Week before exchange - I don’t want to move

[shoopashoop]

Please help.
I know last minute wobbles are normal. But I feel so panicked and can’t stop crying. I can’t sleep.
We need to move and looked to ages. Moving from a 2 bed terrace to a 3 bed semi with huge garden. It is a completely new area though as prices are ridiculous here. We have visited twice in the last week and it just didn’t feel ‘right’. I’m so scared. It’s harder because we have been in touch with the vendors a lot and they are so lovely.
What do I do?

Moving is terrifying. Even if you’re moving to the loveliest most perfect house in the world, moving day is a wrench and then you go to bed thinking “This isn’t my house!” It takes me about 6 months to feel settled and “at home” – the same way it takes about 6 months to bed into a job. The anxiety is normal.

I would write down all your fears on paper – stops them going round and round in your head – and a pro/con list. Seventeen miles isn’t far, it’s just new.

I think you just move. You've already committed. It's not like you have to stay there for the rest of your life if you do hate it, it's not a prison. I think you are just making up reasons subconsciously because you feel emotionally attached to your current house that is not suitable for your needs anymore.

What I think is important here is your worries are around leaving your house and area. You don't particularly have worries about your new house, other than location. It's normal to be said about the change and to take a while to adjust.

Moving with young children is helpful for making friends. Also your DD will settle, probably quicker than you! Longer term thos sounds great for your family, but give yourself time. Try to look at it today though open eyes. I bet there's a lovely park they will enjoy etc.

I think you move and you give it 12 months and if you're not settled you put the house up for sale. I don't really think this constant second-guessing serves anybody. It'll be fine.

OP the house sounds wonderful. And with scope to make it bigger later is perfect. Houses like that don't come around often so congratulations on getting it.

Daft suggestion but would a bit of distraction time on Pinterest planning how you'll decorate help you fall more in love with the place?

And from what you're saying it's the unfamiliarity with the area that's bothering you rather than the area itself being bad?

As a seasoned long distanced commuter you'd be surprised at how quickly you get used to it. Assuming it's not become an impossible or overly complex journey then I'm sure you'll adapt.

Any chance you can get a nap in today? I know it's a cliche but getting a decent amount of sleep is so important to feeling rational about things.

I strongly believe that the area you live in is one of the most important things. If the area doesn't bring you happiness, I'm not sure the house will.
I know it'll be a difficult time, but do you really have to move? You say you have two bedrooms, could the two children not share? I've had five houses, the last move being a year ago. I've always lived in the best possible area even when the house was tiny or, as it is in my current one, an absolute dump!, it makes all the difference.

I disagree with those saying don't move because of the area. I'd say don't put an offer in because.of the area but you have thought this through and made a rational decision that it is the right house. What you are feeling now is irrational, but completely normal, fear of change, especially because the change has been forced on you (moving out of area because of price)

And as for that crazy post about not moving to a three bed, your children get their own rooms this will make such a difference, especially to your eldest, and think of the garden in summer.

@shoopashoop

Gosh thank you for the kind replies. I managed an hours sleep and have woken up with my heart racing, so it helps to read people have felt the same. It is the location - but I’m not sure if that’s just because it’s different to here. And it’s 17 miles away. Not necessarily terrible. I just love it here and will miss it so much. I just got a sense walking down the street that I didn’t like it. We have a 2dc (youngest 6 months) so we can’t stay here and we looked for so long. It’s just a lot of change at once. My eldest will be starting school, further from family, we don’t know anyone there. Worrying about the commute when I return to work. The house itself is lovely and we are getting so much more for our money. The footprint is SO much bigger to answer PP and there is scope to extend. It has a really ‘wow factor’ garden that the children will love. The vendor said herself she wondered if it was the right thing to sell it and will shed a tear when she leaves. But is this just a line? Argh I don’t know I’m all over the place.

Have a look at the way you describe your new house. It sounds gorgeous. Other people in your situation will be moving into the area for similar reasons - growing families, needing more for their money. And you'll probably find each other and make friends. This is how areas flourish.

You don't have a feel for it yet because it holds no memories. But in six months time, when you walk down the street you'll know which cafe does the best coffee, which shop owner is friendliest to your DC, and there's the hedge where DC were wowed by cobwebs covered in rain or the muddy path where they saw a hedgehog for the first time etc etc. The area will warm up once you have lived there a while.

We moved last year and I loved our previous house and the area, but had to move (it was a rental). I felt like we offered on this house because it was the best we could afford with house prices rocketing and that I would never love it like I loved my old house.

Now I never think about where we were before or the other house. I love it here and there's so much more of a community here and we fit in so much better. I would never have believed it.

It’s because it’s not ‘yours’

It will be fine, it will become ‘yours’ and you will look back and wonder why you had these thoughts.

I hear you.

We moved five years ago for schools to a much bigger house. I was gutted to be leaving and had huge doubts even on the day.

In the lead up, a week before, I wanted to pulll out. The vendors were horrible so we had no ties, they had pulled some nasty moves. However, we had secondary school admissions looming and had no choice really. It was such a wrench to go. I was in tears.

It took me a long time to adjust.
Now, I love the house. It was the right move.

I still miss my old house and often wonder if we shouldn't have extended instead. However, this is s better area, the kids have lots of space snd the house increases far more in value than our previous one.

for you OP.

I have just moved myself after major wobbles, not over the area but something to do with the house. My move turned out fine, but it was something I had to work through in my own time. It is a very big thing to do.

What I would say is:

1. Pause. You are not doing anything today, you do not have to exchange today.
2. Speak to your DP.
3. Listen carefully to what you feel about the house vs the area - in your heart which matters more to you?
4. Write a long list of what you are scared of - and what you will do if it comes true - could you relocate back? I decided to go ahead because I thought I could stick anything for two years and would move again if necessary. Having that get out route was important for me.

No one else can tell you what to do, and it is very hard. What I do know is that neither decision is actually completely devastating - you are not putting all your life savings on black in the casino. You are buying a house and whilst it is expensive to move, either way you will still own a house and that can be sold in the future.

@chukwe

I wouldn't advice anyone to move from a 2 bed to 3 bed as it's a waste of time and resources as the footprint of both are the same

Instead try and move to a 4 bed not a 3 bed and loft. It'll make a huge difference

That's really helpful 🤦🏻‍♀️

It's all well and good saying don't go to a lesser area but the fact is you don't have that luxury. You can't afford what you need where you are. You took the pragmatic approach but of course it's scary.
To be blunt, what will your children get more out of? How an area feels, it's cafes etc or a nice big garden and a bedroom each?
If it's more affordable then no doubt there will be plenty of other young families.
Try not to look at what it isn't but what it offers. Does it have a park? Can you walk there?
It's change and it is tough in you but this is for the long term good of your family- you know that, it's why you offered but it means saying goodbye to an old and happy chapter. It's a bit like how you feel a few days away from your due date!

OP, in the nicest possible way, you are buying a house that works for you (at least better than anything else on offer that you can afford) because you’ve grown out of where you live. It’s a head decision. Our house before last was somewhere I loathed, and we only bought it because we’d been renting it and the landlords wanted to sell, but there was nothing else rentable for miles around (village with no rental stock), DS was in the village school, and moving away would have caused huge disruption. We knew it would only be for five years or so. We renovated it and sold at a healthy profit, and moved away.

@chukwe

I wouldn't advice anyone to move from a 2 bed to 3 bed as it's a waste of time and resources as the footprint of both are the same

Instead try and move to a 4 bed not a 3 bed and loft. It'll make a huge difference

You have no idea what the footprint is of either property. There are so many variants

I moved from a 4 bed to another 4 bed.
It’s almost twice the size.

I would also add - we are allowed to make mistakes. I get wound up when I think I have to get decisions right. Once I accept I am making a decision with the best of intentions but do not have a crystal ball, the pressure goes off a bit.

This house sounds like a compromise between space and area. That is OK. Almost all of us are compromising, only the absolutely super-rish can get everything they want whenever they want it - and even they are limited by the laws of physics and luck.

@shoopashoop Your new house sounds lovely 😊 The area will soon become familiar and you will soon feel “at home” there 😊

Maybe you could look for some baby classes in the area for your youngest? It could be a good way of getting yourself out there and meeting a few local mums 😊 you’ll meet loads of people quickly through DDs school too!

We have relocated areas a couple of times so I know that feeling of worry about loneliness and not knowing anyone. I was a SAHM too so no job to meet people through. But I absolutely met loads of people, from baby class stuff to nursery runs and the school playground.

It is completely normal to get the wobbles just before moving, you have to concentrate on all the positives. Children always want what is comfortable and familiar especially when they are little, that house is all they have ever known.

When we moved we made the children's rooms the priority so we decorated them in the exact same colour scheme and stickers etc so it felt familiar whereas the rest of the house felt new and different. We have done this twice.

17 miles is nothing, I have moved hundreds. It isn't a plane ride away and you can have people to yours and have a lovely garden party in the summer.

I moved to my current house with doubts, and I massively regret it. The area is nice, good schools etc. but I loathe the house and don't like coming home.
I think it makes a difference as to whether it is anxiety or concrete doubts which are driving you

@Tinkerbellflowers

If it's the area you don't like, then you can't change that. Go with your gut. If you're not sure, then you really shouldn't buy it. Moving house is very expensive.

But the problem with that is that if you are anything like me you will never be sure. There are always unknowns and anxieties. If I didn't do stuff I wasn't sure of, I'd probably be still living in my parents' bedroom

I didn’t like our house - the area felt run down, the house was really grotty (it was a repossession). Turned out to be the most amazing area to live in, & once we did the house up it was lovely too.

Blimey. My 3 bed is double the size of the 2 bed we moved from. Double the number of bathrooms and triple the number of reception rooms.

OP, I've never not felt how you are feeling when moving and I reckon during current strange pandemic times, it's probably worse. It's the upheaval and the unknown. House moves have usually been a head choice rather than a heart choice for me. Last time we bought the only house available in our price bracket, moved areas and schools and dh deployed to the middle east 3 days later. I felt the crushing weight of having done the wrong thing throughout. Realistically, I knew it was the right thing but I felt awful to the point of illness. You know how the story ends though. I, of course, love my house and the area and am doing it up for sale and absolutely dreading it.

Do not message the vendor. We had a purchase fall through on the morning of exchange. She text me to say "My head is all over the place. I'll ring later" and then left us for five hours, sweating.

What I needed was to hear it straight and clinical from my solicitor. However friendly you are with the vendor, remember this is a business transaction.

I had no anxiety or regrets about our move because I'm a bit like that but my DH found it emotional and needed lots of jostling.

On move day, he left with the first load of stuff and collected our new keys. We had organised for him to come back and say goodbye to the old house but he rang me later and said he wouldn't be. He just stayed at the new house and focused on that. I dealt with the movers at our end and mopped my way out. Once he was in the new place and focused on making it ours, he never looked back. It's all the extra space that helps too. It's nice to move up the property ladder. And this doesn't have to be the forever house anyway, OP.

Proceed with the sale. Don't let heart rule. You need the space, you deserve the upgrade. It's just jitters.xxx