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Week before exchange - I don’t want to move

221 replies

shoopashoop · 03/02/2022 04:34

Please help.
I know last minute wobbles are normal. But I feel so panicked and can’t stop crying. I can’t sleep.
We need to move and looked to ages. Moving from a 2 bed terrace to a 3 bed semi with huge garden. It is a completely new area though as prices are ridiculous here. We have visited twice in the last week and it just didn’t feel ‘right’. I’m so scared. It’s harder because we have been in touch with the vendors a lot and they are so lovely.
What do I do?

OP posts:
DaphneduM · 04/02/2022 10:42

You're moving for all the right reasons. It's normal to feel apprehensive when you're making big changes. We moved from somewhere where we'd been for 25 years to an area where we knew no-one apart from our daughter and her family. Changed from a lovely cottage with a huge garden to a bigger four bed house but a tiny garden but in a village with pub, fish and chip shop, village shop and post office and near a bus stop. Major city half an hour away. It's been the best thing we've ever done. You will be fine, honestly, a bigger better house and garden and you will make new friends because of your children. It's normal to be nervous, but I'm sure all will be well. I think you'd actually feel far worse if you did pull out!

ihateliningup · 04/02/2022 11:29

Op when we bought our current house I felt panicked. On paper it fitted our requirements but it wasn't anything like what I had wanted in a property. I was so worried and wondered if we should pull out and keep looking, but we'd been looking for ages.

We moved in and I'm shocked at how much I love it. It's been a great house and really suits us.

How long has the current owner lived there? Sounds like she loves it.

RomComPhooey · 04/02/2022 11:40

OP, the speaker in this TED talk outlines a useful ‘fearscaping’ exercise that you might find useful to get a handle on your worries. You write down all your “what’s the worst that could happen” scenarios and then think about how realistic they are, how you’d mitigate them if they happened and so on. It helps to draw out what is bothering you and whether they are realistic fears. You’re half way to a plan for addressing any issues you might encounter by the time you’ve worked it through. It’s helped take the worry out of making big changes in my life.

www.ted.com/talks/tim_ferriss_why_you_should_define_your_fears_instead_of_your_goals

Notonthestairs · 04/02/2022 11:45

Unless you are able to move within a well known/loved area moving house isn't exciting. It is terrifying.

The key is to research things (baby/toddler/hobby groups) join stuff, welcome new friends, old friends, anything as a temporary fix. Eventually you weed some elements out and embrace the bits that work best for you.

It takes time and effort. And can be a bit of a slog.

We made a very similar move 15 years ago - also a busy road and at that time the most anyone had paid for a house there. But it was the best decision we've ever made and I'm so grateful for it.

whoruntheworldgirls · 04/02/2022 12:07

Has your eldest seen the new house? That helped me, she saw it and got so excited.
I wanted and need to move (wanted a bigger house closer to her school), but the house we bought wasn't what we'd planned (wanted an older house, got a newer one), now i love it, it's light, warm, quick walk to the park, lovely neighbours :-)
I cried leaving my last house, it's where she grew up and we did have a large garden that we all loved, but things are so much better here, we've made friends with parents in her class who we now meet up with at the pub/park, she's got a better social life now as can have friends over/go to friends houses without someone having to drive, plus she can now walk to school and we usually bump into one of her classmates on the way.
Good luck OP.

SunnyUpNorth · 04/02/2022 12:22

Oh sweetheart, I echo the others that half of the problem will be how exhausted you are. Sometimes in that state it can be hard choosing which cake to have in a cafe!

We moved when my dd had just turned one from London to the north west. I had a year of maternity leave in London, did nct, baby classes etc and had made loads of lovely local friends. We also lived in a really lovely flat that we were very emotionally attached to but just wasn’t suitable with kids. We knew moving was the right thing to do but I still felt very nervous about it.

When you have young children it’s such an easy way to meet people. Chat to people in the park, try various playgroups, chat to people at pickup from preschool etc and eventually you’ll find lots of new people in your area.

It sounds like the house and area are ideal for you. Don’t worry about the commute for now if you’re going to be off a while longer. Lots of people end io changing jobs anyway after having children.

Imagine your children playing in the garden - we didn’t have a garden in London and it was a really hot April after we moved here and I remember how amazing it was seeing my tiny dd pottering about naked in the garden digging and pouring water everywhere.

Sometimes it helps to also remind yourself it doesn’t have to be permanent. Yes it costs to move but if you don’t settle you can always sell and move on.

Hope you get a bit of rest x

MaverickSnoopy · 04/02/2022 12:26

I think its normal to have a last minute wobble. The first house we brought was a 2 bed new build and we were thrilled to move in. However it never felt like a "real" house, more like a dolls house. We were desperate to buy a bigger house and after 5 years decided to sell. Our 2 bed never really felt like home.

I vividly remember making an offer on a 3 bed and getting it accepted to be over the moon. A week before exchanging I was bereft. Everything suddenly looked so wonderful. I pushed my feelings aside and ignored them. We moved into the 3 bed and it was awful for the first week. I remember a neighbour coming round and shouting at us as we parked in the wrong place and the local takeaway was appalling. I cried every day.

We've been here 5 years now and we've outgrown it but can't afford to move. I've never loved this house but I'm so glad we moved in. It got us out of shared ownership and one day we'll stand a chance at buying a bigger house and hopefully our forever house. We'd never afford the rental prices, nor would we afford to buy now so we made the right choice and I don't have any regrets. I initially didn't like the area but I've realised how much we have right on our doorstep that we didn't have before. Sometimes you just have to go with it.

shoopashoop · 04/02/2022 13:29

Thanks for taking the time to reply.
@RomComPhooey I am definitely going to look at the TED talk this aft.
I have driven past the house again this morning. Also went to school etc and places we might go.
Don’t know if the sunshine helps but I feel slightly better than this morning.
My DD came to view the house with me first and over it. The owner is lovely and it just has a lovely homely feeling about it. Need to hold onto that.

OP posts:
shoopashoop · 04/02/2022 13:30

Also I’m well aware I sound completely bonkers. What is wrong with me!!

OP posts:
SpidersAreShitheads · 04/02/2022 18:09

@shoopashoop I've been lurking but I completely understand how you feel. I'm in the process of trying to find the house to buy but we DESPERATELY need to move. Staying here isn't an option. It's overcrowded and awful - but I love my house. I'm autistic and suffer with anxiety and I'm shit with change. Just the fact of everything changing makes the world feel weird and unpredictable and I don't like not having a safe and familiar place to retreat to.

Moving will be exactly what everyone needs, but it really is going to take a huge toll on me and provoke enormous anxiety. It's ridiculous, it's just a pile of bricks. But anxiety and logic don't go hand in hand. And in your case, you've got all the exhaustion and the hormones of EBF too. Of course, you're wobbling back and forth.

If this helps, you are doing the right thing. You can't stay where you are. You have everything you need - and that will be going with you. Just keep reminding yourself of that.

I found a tool on the MIND website really helped with my anxious thoughts. I don't normally bother with things like this but I found this really, really effective for helping to keep a sense of perspective. It takes 60 seconds to do - give it a go. It might help you when the idea of moving seems too enormous to contemplate. Hugs.

www.pixelthoughts.co

shoopashoop · 04/02/2022 18:30

@SpidersAreShitheads thank you, that’s really sweet of you.
I think the market is particularly bonkers at the moment so we have to go easy on ourselves!
I really hope you find somewhere soon. I have found reading these stories over and over really helpful if you ever need to come back to it

OP posts:
shoopashoop · 04/02/2022 18:31

@SpidersAreShitheads I love that tool! Very effective

OP posts:
OakPine · 04/02/2022 20:35

There is nothing more miserable than living in a practical, large house which is exactly what you need, but which you hate.

The new house is not for you, get your solicitor to pull out, and keep looking.

Don't make offers on houses you are not bothered about.

Marshmelllo · 05/02/2022 08:26

@OakPine

There is nothing more miserable than living in a practical, large house which is exactly what you need, but which you hate.

The new house is not for you, get your solicitor to pull out, and keep looking.

Don't make offers on houses you are not bothered about.

Yes, this is kind of what I thought, too.
RitaFires · 05/02/2022 09:01

Hi @shoopashoop, I hope you're feeling better today.

It sounds to me like your concerns about the house are driven by stress and anxiety. It is a huge commitment to buy a house and it's understandable that you're worried. I have anxiety too and I think if you let this house go it won't stop the anxiety as your current home will still be too small and the market will still be crazy. If you pull out now and can't get another house as good as this one, I think you'll torture yourself about it.

Of course if there's something tangible wrong about the house that makes it unsuitable then you shouldn't buy it. But it sounds to me like you're exhausted and overwhelmed and in my experience if you give in to those kind of anxious feelings you feel better for a short time and the same anxiety just shifts focus to something else.

GalaxyOnOrionsBelt · 05/02/2022 09:08

@OakPine

There is nothing more miserable than living in a practical, large house which is exactly what you need, but which you hate.

The new house is not for you, get your solicitor to pull out, and keep looking.

Don't make offers on houses you are not bothered about.

This is dreadful advice. Op can't afford to be where she wants to be. She also does like the house when not overwhelmed by emotions.
Calmdown14 · 05/02/2022 09:33

It seems you naturally catastrophise. I get it. I do too.
So it might be helpful to view staying in the same way. With the crazy housing market, if you pull out and stay put the likelihood is that the gap between what you want and what you can afford gets even bigger. Then you'll be looking at worse areas or much greater travel and kicking yourself.
This house does not need to be forever. You may be there for the long haul but for now, it just needs to be the best of the options available to you and it sounds like it is.
If the menu offers three desserts you pick the one you like best, you don't sit agonising that you'd like something that isn't on offer. I agree with the person who said you are mourning what you'd ideally choose and using that to put down what you do have.
Did you ever watch Sex in the City? The episode where Miranda moves to Brooklyn is a good example

sleepyhoglet · 05/02/2022 10:06

Gosh I am feeling the same OP but moving for different reasons. We are selling a detached in a village outside the city for a semi in the city. It has to be a head decision though because with prices how they are, this is the last chance we have of buying a house in the city. Also, although my current house seems great for us on paper and should be better for our current situation I just don't love it like I should do.

shoopashoop · 05/02/2022 10:12

@Calmdown14 I definitely do. My dd is (surprise) quite wary too so I worry on behalf of her. I have just ordered her school uniform this morning and that feels overwhelming in itself.
Also I know practically you are right re the market and I am trying to keep this in mind. Between us buying in August and December there was NOTHING and I mean nothing coming up in the areas we were looking at. A few have come up round here since the start of the new year but they aren’t much bigger than here, crazy prices and demand is ridiculous so we would undoubtedly miss out time after time. And you’re right I would kick myself for not being brave enough to go through with this. We have to do it.
We actually missed out on the house we are buying at first (cash buyers put an offer in there and then) and it was the first one I’d cried over. Then they pulled out due to illness a week later and it came to us. So I’m holding on to that too. Not sure if I always believe in the ‘meant to be’ thing but I’m trying to tell myself this too.

OP posts:
shoopashoop · 05/02/2022 10:13

@sleepyhoglet glad it’s not just me and this seems completely normal! Best of luck to you too. It is particularly crazy at the moment x

OP posts:
Calmdown14 · 05/02/2022 11:03

I find often it's the decision part that is the hardest. In a couple of days when it's all signed and the 'choice' element is removed you'll feel better.
Moving schools is tough but only gets harder as they grow so best to get it over and done with for her sake too

shoopashoop · 06/02/2022 08:02

@Calmdown14 I hoped that was the case. I was a bit better yesterday and threw myself into packing. But this morning I feel like I could have a panic attack and crying again. Not knowing how I am going to cope with this. Everything in my body is telling me to stay...but we can’t. How do I keep myself together throughout this?? I am worried for my children that I am going to crumble. I have history of severe depression and I am going to ring the GP in the morning. But feel so stupid that I thought I could handle this.
If anyone has any practical ways I can keep focused I would love to hear them. I’ve never felt so scared.

OP posts:
Zonder · 06/02/2022 08:34

When are you due to move?

WoodenLegs · 06/02/2022 08:46

I moved last year and felt exactly like you, waking up in the night crying etc.

I now hate the new house and wish I had taken myself seriously before moving.

Our new house is much bigger, the reason for moving from 2 bed, but it hasn't been worth the things I miss iyswim.

Good luck making your decision.

shoopashoop · 06/02/2022 08:51

Oh god @WoodenLegs.
Moving on Tuesday

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