‘Should’ we move out of SW London

[coco123456789]

We live in a lovely leafy part of South West London. 3 kids and our house has 4 bedrooms so we do technically all fit. The garden is tiny but it is quiet at least. We love where we live but there is such a huge impetus to move because kids ‘need’ more space. Has anyone decided to sit firm and stayed in their little London homes with a growing family? Or has anyone made the move out to Surrey and think that in hindsight they should have stayed? Kids range between 3 and 9.

I guess it’s never nice when you make a choice for your kids that many people perceive as being a bad choice. But we are educated people, we know that if it doesn’t work for them then we move when the need arises or make a change.

I totally understand and I feel the same, it’s daft but it’s the perceived implication that you aren’t doing what’s ‘best’ when you have the means to do it. Every time another family leaves I get a pang, but we love it here.

I grew up in a leafy village just outside Oxford, went to exclusive private schools, had a big garden & garage. I had an awful childhood though it's the people and most importantly your parents that make you happy as a child not privilege.

It was also awful as a teen as the fast road had no footpath and quite dangerous to walk along plus the buses were rubbish.

We now live in a market town in Oxfordshire and just moved but stayed within the centre of town so that our children can walk everywhere, they also go to the local schools because we want the kids to be part of the community rather than separate from it. Also how well someone does at school is usually directly attributable to how supportive & encouraging their parents are.

I would stay were you are.

What can happen sometimes with those who move out is, after the initial honeymoon period, the DC are no longer interested in the metaphorical tennis court, the London friends who said they’d visit are too busy to come and you lose touch, you don’t make many new friends, and you’re exhausted by the commute. Yes, the DC do fine at the leafy comp, but the DC of friends who stayed in London do equally fine, or better, at their London schools - even those schools that people moved to get away from.

Same as @Sickoffamilydrama I few up in leafy Surrey with a detached house, garage and private schooling. Incredibly privileged although, crucially, I didn't know it at the time since there was no diversity in my realm of experience. I had a crap childhood and teenage years were full of drinking, drugs and boys taking advantage in the park because there was nothing else to do. Awful. Parents were a taxi service but if they weren't available I was stuck as there was one bus every 2 hours! I want my DD to grow up in London to experience all walks of life and have access to so much more. Don't move!

That is a really pertinent comment about not realizing you were privileged. I really struggled at uni as I was so used to my surrey bubble and I grew up thinking we were poor as we didn’t stay in hotels on holiday and only lived in a 4 bed house. I was also very judgmental about people’s accents etc. I am not proud of that, but that is what I was like as that is what I knew. My parents always led me to believe that we weren’t well off either as they could see how well off other people were and were paranoid about it.

What I have noticed is that , up to 6 years of age, for children a garden of any size would do.

Between 6 and 11, maybe 12, many children, but not all, would really enjoy a large garden to play sports.

After that, kids tend to give much more importance to being able to go out independently than to having a large garden.

@coco123456789
It seems to me you’re in danger of not realising you’re privileged now. You have a house with enough bedrooms, with three loos and two bathrooms, and a garden, in London. You are top of the pile even now. It’s just that possibily you know lots of other people with the same setup and therefore you don’t see it.

@ParentOfOne

What I have noticed is that , up to 6 years of age, for children a garden of any size would do.

Between 6 and 11, maybe 12, many children, but not all, would really enjoy a large garden to play sports.

After that, kids tend to give much more importance to being able to go out independently than to having a large garden.

Exactly.

The thing is, living in London, many - most - children won’t have any garden at all, because they live in flats. They may have access to a communal garden. A garden of your own of any size is a privilege. But thankfully, there are lots of parks and playgrounds and commons around.

@daisypond I think you are right and that is what my husband says. I think it’s because we are at a state primary where 70% of kids go private for secondary and our house is small compared to many we know. But I guess that is the UK property market. Some people paid £300k for their houses 10 years ago, some people paid £1m last year. So some are mortgage free and some are mortgaged to the hilt like us! It’s strange but I guess it is like that everywhere unless you live on a new build estate and then you probably have people who bought at a similar time for a similar value.

There are ways to solve this without moving into the countryside. We moved from zone 2/3 to zone 4/5. Our old area was nice, but stabby areas were just a short bus ride away. Garden was tiny. Secondary schools a very mixed bag (if you even managed to get in..)
Now we have a big garden with a driveway. A town centre in (just about) walking distance, another town centre a short bus journey away.
Lots of lovely parks and woods. Twenty minutes drive to the countryside. Fantastic secondaries on our doorstep, and grammars within reach. Yes, the train station is a bit further than in our previous area, but still manageable. The area is very green and pleasant.
I couldn't live in the countryside, I want to be able to walk to places and want to easily get into London. But I wanted a big garden. Not just for the kids but also for ourselves. It's our happy place, I wouldn't want to miss it!
OP, is there no middle ground for you?

Also, to elaborate on what @Puffthemagicdragongoestobed said, we know a couple of families who bought houses in the area of Wandsworth Common close to the railway tracks. There are a few roads there with largish houses but huge gardens. I'd never buy near the tracks, but they say the garden is so big that the tracks are not that close, and with good triple glazing they don't hear the trains that much - they say it's better than being on the Richmond flight path. Of course being near the tracks attracts a price discount, so that was a way for them to get a big garden without moving to the middle of nowhere.

Honestly just hang on there until your DC starts at the secondary school and you'll look back and wonder what all the fuss was about. There's such a mania about 11-plus, indies, competition for school places etc, especially in that part of the world, but as soon as it's passed, you see through it all and see that your kid - and other kids - are the same as they ever were and the vast majority will be absolutely fine in any half-decent school let alone an outstanding one. Stay put and try to chill. Your kids are who they are regardless of house size or school crapola.

And indeed there's a lot to be said for a more mixed environment giving them a better education than a rarefied bubble where tennis courts and private ed is the norm. Like, what are you wanting them to learn about life?

I too advise you to hang on in there. My DC went to comprehensives in London. I wobbled too and got very stressed about it. The children that went to less desired schools still did just as fine/well and went off to great universities- if that’s something you are thinking about in the future. You will not have blighted your DC’s life chances by staying in London and sending them to local schools. Staying in London may actually heighten their life chances.

Can’t believe how positive this thread has been! I was expecting a lot of people to say they had wavered but finally gone to surrey and never looked back, life is amazing etc. I guess for many it is. Found out this morning yet another friend is moving and she said she couldn’t wait to ‘escape’. Guess that tells me all I need to know. I am trying to justify the reasons to go, not looking to escape!

If you decide to move, and I think it sounds like you shouldn't, have a very clear idea of what you want/need wherever you decide to move to.

We moved mainly for family reasons (otherwise would have loved to stay in London) but we had conditions about where we moved to.

We definitely didn't want to be in the money obsessed areas (Weybridge, Esher, etc.). Walking distance to a mainline station, shops and pubs.

We have ended up in a lovely big village, with a very friendly and active community. Voted Remain, mainly Lib Dem councillors 5 minutes to the station (just over 30 minutes to Waterloo). On the way we pass a Co-op, greengrocer, fishmonger, butcher, bakery, newsagent, etc.. 10 minutes or less to walk to 4 pubs. So you can do it without losing too much.

But yes, it sounds to me like you should stay!

Would you mind saying where that is Hannibal - sounds like the absolute dream?

There's a tradition that we don't tell people on the internet what a lovely place it is! I'll send you a PM.

Many gentrified parts of zone 1-3 London are quite homogenous. The good comps have catchments of 0.5 miles and identikit £1.5m terrace houses surrounding it.

That said you get not much more in some parts of Surrey.

I just wanted to chip in and say I totally get the whole school dilemma. I posted here a while ago about whether we should move. One local school has been awful and that’s the one we would get. It’s improving but it takes time. Locally people are quite scathing about it and I hear people moving / thinking of moving to avoid it all the time.
I still have at least three years to decide what to do. Part of the issue for me has been the perception that the school we will likely get is inferior and we would be settling for second best.
The whole thing is ridiculous as we’ve still got ages, the school may be on the up further. It may still be the right environment for our child’s personality etc. But I can’t shake off the idea that we won’t have done the best for our children by not moving for the ‘better’ school.
This thread has been massively helpful on getting perspective and I just wanted to say I get how you feel about not doing something everyone else is.

I’m a Londoner considering moving out. After reading this thread (particularly @WombatChocolate’s wonderful post) I’m now having major second thoughts!

In my experience, re schools, people tend to not want their local school. And yet, strangely, that may be a school that others in other areas want.

We have decided we are staying. We all love living here. Watched location location from the other night and realized how lucky we are! If school is awful and they suddenly go off the rails then we can think again. But I love the fact that they are not snobs and that they love our little house. They have never complained about our garden!