‘Should’ we move out of SW London

[coco123456789]

We live in a lovely leafy part of South West London. 3 kids and our house has 4 bedrooms so we do technically all fit. The garden is tiny but it is quiet at least. We love where we live but there is such a huge impetus to move because kids ‘need’ more space. Has anyone decided to sit firm and stayed in their little London homes with a growing family? Or has anyone made the move out to Surrey and think that in hindsight they should have stayed? Kids range between 3 and 9.

I have no doubt that people will leave the school so I wouldn’t be staying for their friends as such. The children who they go to secondary with will be the ones who stayed. So many people go to schools all over the place - we looked at a place in surrey renowned for the amazing state school but the owners said neither their kids nor the neighbour’s went there, they all went private!

If no one else that you knew had moved, would you be considering it? It doesn't sound like it. I would give it a year once things have returned to normal (or whatever the new normal is) and then reassess.
I don't think committing to a life changing decision in a pandemic is necessarily the best idea

Stop looking on Facebook. You are comparing yourself with others and that is causing you unhappiness. You obviously have so much to be thankful for and I think a healthy dose of self-acceptance is needed.

Once you start doing more outings as a family you'll be out of the house more and won't feel the need to drastically move so much? Maybe

OP It sounds as though it’s a decision that’s mixed up with secondary schools, too. We know people who are happy with their choices in both local state schools and the local private schools, so if you have the option (via income or potential bursaries or musical aptitude places or selection or whatever) perhaps you should have a look at the local secondary options and only after that make a decision on whether to move? Y4 is a good time to start researching, and then you can take your DC with you in Y5 to open evenings etc because leaving it all to Y6 won’t work if you’re looking at the grammars (applications close much earlier than for other state schools).

Thanks - we’re not looking at private. That’s one of the reasons we wanted to move really, to get away from the endless conversations about schools and the 11 plus. We don’t want to go down that road.

@coco123456789

Thanks - there is stuff we could do to our house. We never had any inbuilt carpentry done (it’s Victorian so crying out for alcove units!) as it’s expensive and thought this wasn’t our long term house. We could do that for wardrobes and in living room. We could get rid of garden shed as it takes up loads of space and just accumulates junk. I suppose I feel guilty that we are selfish to stay because DH and I love London life, cinemas, coffees and brunch, theatre etc whereas are poor kids aren’t growing up in a large house.

The alcove units I put in our Edwardian semi last year cost £1,000 so not as expensive as you might think. A local carpenter installed them, one side has 6 large shelves, plus a huge storage cupboard at the bottom, the other side has space for the TV and 4 large shelves. Similar to this image, and it makes a huge difference to the room.

Glad you started this thread OP, it’s been helpful for me too. I know what you mean, we are also SW London and it does seem like there is a bit of a mass exodus going on. And inevitably you do wonder if you are missing a trick.

In reality though there are many more staying here, or perhaps moving fairly locally (Tooting/Streatham) to get a bigger garden. The ones moving out to the countryside are just more noticeable, not more numerous.

Of course it’s easy to lust after the big houses and gardens on FB or Rightmove. But you have to look past the pretty pictures and consider whether that day to day lifestyle is what you want.

The commute for example - it’s made a big difference having DH home for bathtime in lockdown, a big commute would put paid to that. But also I would hate having to drive everywhere. I love being able to step out of my house and see other people walking by, and walk to shops or the park. I love walking the school run. I wouldn’t actually want acres of garden, it’s a huge responsibility. My DC don’t really love country walks, or tennis. They are London kids and want sushi and playgrounds And then once they are teens they don’t use the garden anyway, are bored and you are into being the taxi of mum and dad to the nearest town. By contrast I grew up in SW London and it was great as a teen, amazing things to do, we went everywhere by bus or tube from age 13 and got the bus to school. Great for my parents too.

In summary - we are staying.

The one big issue which I agree with you on is secondary schools. It seems a bit of a nightmare. Hopefully all these leavers will reduce the pressure on places though!!

@coco123456789

Thanks - we’re not looking at private. That’s one of the reasons we wanted to move really, to get away from the endless conversations about schools and the 11 plus. We don’t want to go down that road.

From what I’ve read, there is just as much if not more 11+ chat and obsession in most of the home counties!!

Don’t buy into all the schools chat. I did, and wished I hadn’t, as it stressed me out so much. Mine are older now, at university and first job stage. Even the children who went to the “less desirable” schools ended up at the same universities as those who had gone off to independents. And if you’ve got three loos and two bathrooms, that’s loads! We’ve only got one bathroom and no extra loo. The pull of being in London for a teen or 20-something is amazing. No tennis court in the world makes up for that.

@minipie - I was going to say exactly the same about the fact people are actually moving locally. I’m in Balham and most of the people I know who are moving (including us) are going to Tooting or Streatham for a little more space. I could have written your post. My kids are definitely more playgrounds and sushi, plus for everything else there’s Richmond Park!

Wow - glad to find others feeling the same way as us.

The shelves look perfect!

My kids didn't 'need' space in the garden as much as they appreciated and enjoyed the huge realm of opportunities that were open to them as London teens.

Please stop looking at Facebook, what you don’t see is the building resentment of the person that has a crippling commute and then is a slave to taking care of the large garden, tennis court and whatever else on the weekend, on top of driving everywhere for school sports and minor groceries. People I know who have upsized further out complain now, at first it was a novelty and the property made them appear rich, but the truth is that now they can no longer afford to move closer to a smaller, but suitable property. Time is precious and what you have now in a nice friendly street sounds perfect. Children also mainly stop going in the garden to play by 10 years of age because sports are at mainly at venues. You have it good already OP.

I wouldn't move in your position OP. Especially not to Surrey. If you move anywhere, move to Hampshire But seriously, I think many Londoners will regret moving to rural areas. What I would give for amazing public transport and museums and parks on my doorstep.

Apologies in advance as not read the whole thread, but I think what you're going through I really common. We're in a different part of town, zone 2, small Victorian terrace with almost non-existent garden. My DC are 12 & 10. We've just made the decision to stay rather than move to zone 4, because we really love our area. DD1 is in an excellent (comp) school so we no longer have secondary worries (and I 100% get your reservations about the horrendous 11+ arms race).

DH and I both grew up in outer London/ just outside and neither of us have ties to where we grew up any more. We both hated being so far out of town as teens and both, fortunately, agree we want to stay in London. But so many people up sticks when the secondary years loom that it's extremely hard not to have a big wobble about whether you're doing the right thing for your family.

The main thing is it's your family not theirs. I think the way you're feeling is completely normal, not sure I know anyone who hasn't had those conversations with their OHs at some point.

FWIW we're about to spend the mortgage money we would have used to buy a new house on extending into our side return instead so we all stop falling over each other in the kitchen!

I think a lot of this is tied up with other people moving and also the schools question.

The first thing that strikes me is your house is fine. You have 4 beds and 2 bathrooms and 3 loos and a garden. You have a very decent family house and are not in the position lots of people who move out are, which is being in either flats or very small houses. You like your area and it works for DH getting to work and you like London. These are all good reasons to stay.

People might move for reasons that don’t really apply to you...their houses are too small, or they have shed loads of money perhaps which mean they can buy a vast pile in the country, or because their kids won’t be able to do well in the schools they are likely to get.

Schools is the issue to really think about. It sounds like you have good schools available to you locally and you are happy with them. Don’t look for reasons to be dissatisfied. If you are happy with local schools you are very lucky. Lots of children will do really well at such schools. Check the data for high/middle/low achievement in entry and see if there are plenty of children similar to the profile of your kids and see what the results are like. See if the school uses some setting. Yes, Comps will always be more mixed. That is true, but lots of kids do really well in them. Consider if being in a more mixed environment is a problem in your eyes or is a positive. Some people are horrified at the idea and want to cosset their child, but lots don’t. Many people who are truly comfortable in London embrace diversity, but those who aren’t happy with diversity often move out. If you are happy with the schools, your house and everything else sounds like you’re good to stay.

I’ve known people move out for schools. Some had children who were academically weak or had special needs that they wanted met. They felt their kids might sink in a large Comp and that they wouldn’t get into the selective London schools, so they moved out for a wider range of less selective schools for their particular children who they thought just wouldn’t get into a school they liked and would work for them. If your children are robust and doing well, and if you’re not interested in independent school or state grammars, you can avoid all the 11+ conversation and be happy you are in catchment for a good school. If you need to do more research into local schools to reassure yourself they really are okay, then do it. Speak to some current parents too and not just those with kids your age who have already decided the schools won’t suit them.

And as you know yourself, it’s easy to feel that when lots of others seem to be doing something, you can feel you’re missing out or missing something. It is a case of working out what matters for you and identifying where the reasons they want to go don’t apply to you. You don’t sound desperate for a huge garden....unless you want to do lots of gardening or think the children will spend all their time out there, you’re right that open spaces like parks are better anyway for playing, especially beyond when children are small. If you don’t yearn for country life, but enjoy city life and walking everywhere rather than going in the car, then staying sounds right for you.

You are actually very lucky. You already have a decent family house and good local schools, a walk to work and enjoy city life. You don’t NEED to move. You don’t really sound like you want to either, but if you do want to, it sounds like you can. And you’re right to consider it now because with a 9 year old, time flies and if you’re going to do it it’s better to do it in time to apply for senior school. Unless it’s always been part if your plan, or you love Surrey or dislike London, or the schools are a major issue, you sound like you’re in the right place, but only you can weigh all those reasons people go (and stay) and work out which apply to you.

@coco123456789

We would consider Bath or Oxford, but that DH commute would go from 15 mins to almost 2 hours each way. Is that worth it for a bigger house. He would only have to do it 3 days a week. But I think we have been spoilt without the commute until now. Should he be taking a commute on the chin so that his kids can live in a bigger house? I know many do.

You sound quite bonkers to be honest This is all about some mystical life of dreams when you have a great life already with enough bedrooms and access to all facilities of london You want to put dh on a long commute to ger a private tennis courts ? Just why?

Why??

Sorry to slightly derail this thread but where is SW london are you? It sounds amazing!! I'm looking to move to SW from East but I never know which area to look at which has good links into central London but still has the green spaces etc.

I would echo others who have said you shouldn’t under-estimate the impact of a commute on the individual who has to do it, or on the wider family in lots of indirect ways. If your DH walks to work in 15 mins, the impact on his life of daily commute of over an hour door to door is significant and has to bring huge huge benefits and offset serious disadvantages of where you are now. But you don’t mention any serious disadvantages, but instead. 4 bed house with 2 bathrooms in a location you like.

Is it the case that really you do want the massive country pile and the tennis court or acre of garden does actually appeal to you? It does appeal to some people and some will move from a decent sized famiky home to get it. But usually it’s about other things too like the schools or family proximity, or disliking city life. The move you talk about is a huge one if someone still needs to work in town so it has to be worth it and especially if the burden will mostly fall on one person, that’s something that need careful consideration and buy-in from both parties.

@coco123456789

We would consider Bath or Oxford, but that DH commute would go from 15 mins to almost 2 hours each way. Is that worth it for a bigger house. He would only have to do it 3 days a week. But I think we have been spoilt without the commute until now. Should he be taking a commute on the chin so that his kids can live in a bigger house? I know many do.

I don’t think so personally

A commute like that is a killer

But we live in SE London and have no desire to move out

Declutter the house as if you were moving. Then make a list of what you could do to improve what you have.

It sounds like the grass is always greener. It's not!

Btw I know it’s not as glamorous but the dc have always done tennis here in London, join them up

I think it’s a shame to look at images of grounds with tennis courts and make someone do a two hour commute to get the picture version