Cannot decide if we want our son to attend a private school or not

[Londonhoneycake]

I am 43 and attended a state school, although it was in a fairly middle-class, well-off area. My husband is 47 and went to a private school. We have two boys, aged 9 and 7, and we have started looking ahead at secondary schools for our eldest. We’ve attended open days and open mornings and met with heads of schools, but we’re still unsure whether to send him to a state school or go down the private route.

We aren’t wealthy. We could afford private school fees, but only just, and because of that my husband’s parents have offered to help with the costs. I’m not sure how I feel about that, whereas my husband is very much in favour of it.

I’d really like to hear from parents who weren’t completely sure either. We have good state schools nearby, some within walking distance, and I feel our children would benefit from attending a “normal” local school. My husband strongly wants them to go to a private school, but I’m conflicted because I disapprove of a system that reinforces inequality and gives children advantages purely based on their parents’ or guardians’ wealth.

I want our children to be educated alongside the majority. I also work closely with an education think tank, much of which focuses on strengthening state education, so it would feel quite hypocritical to send my children to private school given the values that underpin my work.

We were in a slightly different situation in that it was me who wanted our DS to go to a private school and my DH who didn't (for context, I went to private school and he went to state), but we found a private school that would be perfect for our son. He has SEN and had a tricky primary journey so my husband agreed to give it a go and he's in his second year now and it is the best decision we ever made. My husband is a total convert and openly says we will do the same for our daughter (if we can afford it!) when she hits secondary age, even though she doesn't have SEN. I hope that helps!

I don’t want to start an argument I just want to hear other views I know this can be a quite a big topic for people.

I want my children to be around everyone because only around 7% of the UK population is privately educated yet privately educated children are disproportionately represented in positions of power and influence across almost every sector. They dominate many elite professions and leadership roles despite being such a small minority of the population.

I think you would be mad to chose private if you can only just afford it and you have decent state options within walking distance. Completely forgetting the moral arguments against private school, it sounds like it’s just not a good (or affordable) option for your family.

If you're not sure and you have local good schools, I'd go for the local school. You could use the saved money for other things - sports clubs, drama class, music lessons, which privates often do better at than state schools, because thry have more resources. If the local schools weren't good, I'd say go private.

I assume you are looking at secondary which starts year 7/age 11 (might be different if you're in a middle school area like Dorset); some privates start at year 9/age 13, so you could reconsider if things aren't working so well.

What does your son think about the schools you've seen?

There's no definitive answer. It depends on the schools, it depends on the child. No one school will suit every child, whether state or private.

As a teacher who has worked in the state system my boys are going private all the way through. I hate the inequality and I would love to send them to state school but I value them more than my morals and unfortunately the state system in England is terrible

I wouldn’t take a stance on this based on the principle. For me, it would depend on the exact private school and the exact state schools. I know some private schools that I think offer a substantially poorer education than some state schools. where they really don’t represent the cost. Or that is much for muchness.
and then of course there are some that are brilliant.
but depends what you have available

If you can only just afford it I wouldn't as sounds too stressful. Fees go up the older a child gets. Though I'm a fan of private if it won't impact your family finances too much.

You shouldn't choose private school in your situation. You can't afford it, and relying on family members to fund it will probably end in resentment and arguments.

Paying for 2 children to go through secondary school is a huge financial ask. have you considered what happens if your husband's parents suddenly decide to stop paying or need the money for themselves?

Even if they are easily able to pay for your children to attend the school until they leave, you need to consider how you will feel about them having a hold over different parts of your life. There's a good chance they will feel entitled to have a say in your life or the choices you / your children make, because they pay the school fees.

Dulwich College is one of the schools we looked at because my husband went there, we liked it a lot, our son enjoyed visiting the school. The school is definitely worth the cost and it would be a great fit for him. We can afford to send him there on his own but not our other son. I feel as though it would be unfair for one to get the opportunity and the other not to.

My husbands parents have said they want to pay for it so both kids get a chance but I’m just not sure that’s a good idea.

You’re right it’s a huge cost. His parents have said if we decide not to take the money they’re going to add it to the kids inheritance anyway that they can have access to when they’re 25.

And what is plan B if grandparents can’t carry on paying? Mine are state and it’s fine but their mates at private have a whole different level of extra curricular and enrichment. But I love that all their mates are local and it’s walking distance. Money goes on other things

I went to Private Secondary but DH did not
He never saw the need for them as he went to an excllent Comp that had only just converted from a Grammar. When we started looking at Secondary for DD DH realised the HUGE difference between the 2 Private schools we visited and the 2 State schools. Even the "good" Comp was not great and we had been pushed out of the Catchment for that anyway due to the building of around 1000 new homes .
We had no fixed view on Private or State as a principal but we just chose the best option for DD, which luckily we could afford. If we had had a good State option we probably would have taken it.

We would never have gone Private though if we couldn't pay ourselves

Taking money from ILs will change your family dynamic as you will have to be ‘grateful’ to them. The children will be under pressure both to perform as well as be grateful to grandparents. It’s not my cup of tea but some people do take up this option. But it should only be done if you can afford the fees yourselves but GP would ‘like’ to pay as a means of passing down inheritance. So if they choose to stop you could continue regardless.

If you have decent state options then the gap between those and private might not be huge.

I think that’s what I’m worried about is the family dynamic I don’t want to have to be “grateful” to the all the time. We have a good relationship now I don’t want any resentment.

We have very very good schools near us walking distance and direct buses too. We are in south west London, there’s a lot of really good stats schools, we will probably stick with that.

Unless your child has special needs and if the state offering is decent I don’t think I would embark on that if it would compromise your life and would hurt financially.

Just come out the other side of state two happy well balanced dds with lovely friends and great academics. I genuinely don’t know what private school would have added that would have been worth the massive outlay.

We would only have considered if the state options were bad or a child became long term unhappy. Neither applied to us. It’s a very subjective decision though.

I'd forget about how the schools are funded, think about which schools will suit each of your sons, and then decide from there.

We looked at 8 school, 5 state and 3 independent. Ds had taster days at a few of them, and we agreed on the best one for him.

I do not honestly see why you would not send your child to a private school if it would benefit them long term? So what if private educated kids do better - good for them!

I cannot afford private now, but I will find the money when mine are due to go because the state schools are awful and I want to give them the best leg up in life, and I strongly believe private is the way!

We could only just afford private primary. I was relived to get the kids into state school for secondary. All state schools we used (the kids attended a mix of state secondaries - including grammar, comp and supposedly failing free school) were fine/good - and the kids did well. Socially I think they benefited from being in state.

DH and I were both state educated and we had long discussions whether we wanted our girls to go private. I was uneasy about them having a narrow social group but tbh their social group was already far more middle class compared to my own, due to hobbies like music and swimming (activities my parents could never have afforded).

We were still undecided at the start of year 5 so we started tutoring to keep dd's options open - most kids aiming for London schools will have been tutored so you'd need to start soon too unless you make the decision now that you'd definitely rule out private.

In South London you have access to decent grammars (although only 5% of secondary pupils attend a grammar so not the place to go if you want your dcs to be around everyone) but definitely worth looking at those for a cheap option. We are north inner London and geographical rules mean that grammars aren't an option for us.

What swayed it for us were the interview days which dd really enjoyed, and dd meeting some current pupils at the prospective private school, through her music group. They had so much better provision in music and sports resources. She is also undiagnosed ND, and we felt she needed smaller class sizes to thrive.

We're fortunate that we are able to afford it for 2 dcs and we are still able to pay for holidays etc as we've made good investment decisions. I would be a little wary of depending on GPs as it would be disastrous if they were unwilling/unable to contribute at a critical point eg GCSE years.

I’ve been to both and no way would I send my kid to private school - but then we have amazing state schools around us.

Some of the reasons for private aren’t what they seem on the surface.

Our local state school performs better than the three private schools around us. Why would we waste the money?

And unless the are big enough finding enough kids for sports teams can be challenging.

It’s the age old lie that middle class parents believe that private is always better and it isn’t. Sometimes it works better for some.

No one hires a kid because they went to private school - send your kids to state.

OP, if your PILs are prepared to help you to afford Dulwich College, and you think it’s a good fit for your DSs, I’d bite their hands off.

I wasn’t sure at all, OH was very pro private education. We had tours of local schools, I was still a bit unsure.
We went for it (DD’s needs weren’t being fully met in state school and our catchment secondaries weren’t great) and I have to say, 3.5 years on, it’s been the best decision. It’s been the absolute making of her.
Definitely do your sums though and think about the impact of GPs paying and build in some sort of contingency if things were to go wrong and have a really honest conversation with them :)

I went to a state primary and also sixth form, but the 5 years of private secondary were absolutely life-changing for me.
It was mainly in the ethos and culture in the school, where nerdiness/cleverness was encouraged! I was no longer afraid to put my hand up, I was no longer bullied for being clever, in fact there was no bullying whatsover.
Just a bunch of kind nerds, supportive teachers and we all really flourished . This is why private school children bloom in their confidence, they learn to debate and speak in public and there’s an environment where everybody wants to learn.

I am still grateful to have gone to a state primary school and will always be able to make friends from all walks of life. But I truly loved my private secondary experience ; the opportunities cannot compare (in my experience).

Someone would have to pay me to send my kids to private school. And then I’d still say no :-)