Four year old refusing school start, considering homeschooling and feeling overwhelmed

[Anonymous23458d]

My son is 4 and has just started school. He has been in for two days, but today he absolutely refused to go in.
He hid under his bed, screaming and crying, saying that he hates school and begging me not to send him. The last two mornings have also been incredibly difficult. On both days, he was crying and clinging to me, and the teacher eventually had to pull him off me while he was screaming. It was absolutely heartbreaking.
When I collected him after his full day, he looked so pale and exhausted. He complained of a headache and honestly looked like a shell of my usual happy boy. I spent the entire day worrying about him and found it really difficult to function.
He did attend preschool for around five months. Before starting preschool he was always a very sociable, confident little boy. He loved being around other children. But something happened one day at preschool where he said that a girl/friend had left him out, and after that he completely changed. He started refusing to go and would cry for the entire day while he was there. I eventually took him out because he never seemed to settle back into it.
Since then, he has essentially been at home with me and his little brother for the last few years. He is still a very sociable child. He has friends outside of school, goes to the park every day and sees his friends there, and also sees his cousins regularly. So it's not that he doesn't enjoy being around people – he seems to struggle specifically with being separated from me and being in a school environment.
The teacher has suggested that if he refuses to get dressed, I should just bring him in his pyjamas, but I honestly don't know if I can go through another morning of him being physically pulled away from me screaming and crying. It feels absolutely awful.
I'm now wondering whether homeschooling might be the right option for him. I had hoped to start picking up some of my self-employed work again, but at the moment that doesn't seem possible. Obviously I also worry about whether taking him out would make things worse in the long run.
I know some people will say that because I took him out of preschool previously, he may have learned that if he refuses enough, I'll eventually take him out, and that I'm not helping him build resilience. I completely understand that perspective. But at the same time, I don't want to force him through something that is genuinely causing him this much distress and potentially break his confidence or spirit.
He keeps saying things like, "Please don't send me, Mummy. I'll be good. I hate it." It absolutely breaks my heart.
Has anyone experienced anything similar with their 4 yo?
I'm feeling completely overwhelmed and would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through this. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

If you delay him starting school you need to use that year to put in the work to get him used to being away from you and coping with it.

If you take him out, at least put him in nursery or something so he can get used to a structured environment away from home.

School is not just for learning maths, it teaches social skills resilience etc

I would speak to the head and negotiate mornings only until half term. Maths and phonics is done in the mornings, so he won't be missing tok much. He gets used to going every day, but you don't have to worry so much as he's just there for 3 hours a day.

He's going to feel uncomfortable and have some anxiety. That's ok. It seems like you cant cope with his anxiety or any unhappy feelings and want to immediately sort it out for him (e.g pulling him out of nursery) but that will harm him in the long run

Yes I’d try a lovely preschool for that year x

Also, @Anonymous23458d its a huge change for you as well.

My ds has just gone into year 1. He is a December birthday, so on the older side and I was honestly desperate for him to start. I wasn’t much enjoying having him and DD home together and felt ready to begin the next adventure.

For the first month I felt weirdly unsettled. I felt the communication was non existent; there were what felt like endless complaints from the school about parents parking inconsiderately (which I never have but there were so many of them it started to feel quite hostile!) I missed DS’s nursery and the teachers there and I missed DS, even though he’d driven me nuts the year before!

I had to remind myself that if I felt uncertain and not quite welcome and like I missed ds, he probably felt it even more and that really helped me understand him.

It didn’t last; I love DS’s school now but it did take longer than I thought to adjust, for us both.

What will pulling him out until 5 do to his confidence when he has to start Year 1, friendships have already developed, all the other children know about school rules etc and he's completely lost?

Or missing big gaps of Reception if he starts after the term he turns 5 and again with friendship groups, school rules and gaps of learning.

Or if he loses his school place and has to start somewhere completely new with new faces?

Or if he cries and stomps his feet and begs not to go again because that seems to have worked so far?

At some point, if OP doesn't want to homeschool then he does actually need to go to school and OP needs to be firm. It's been 2 days for gods sake.

I think this is a bit of a 'thing' for many parents these days - they are fiercely defensive of their child's 'rights', and ultimately the children know this and are pushing back.

It's only been two days so you either put it off a year or you persevere. Your DS will see when you are weakening so you must show, not unkindness in the mornings, but a complete surety that him going to school is what's going to happen and nothing else.

I messed up with my DS when he started; I thought we were only allowed in the classroom on the first day, when actually it was accepted for the whole first half term! I dropped DS at the door on Day 2 and he got upset and then proceeded to do so for about two weeks. He also had to be left crying and I felt wretched, but he got over it.

Ultimately, there are loads of things that children would prefer not to do that we, as parents, have to override them on, and do so in confidence that we are acting in their best interests. Dentist, injections, school etc.

I would advise you to get stronger and more resilient yourself, and keep going. Once he knows you won't be changing your mind he'll be OK. Remember that change and flopping around with decisions can actually distress a child more than giving them boundaries.

He’s still quite young. I went at four and while I was academically ready, socially it was just too much for me. If you can afford to take more time off, I’d hold him back a year.

Thank you , I did. A one off falling out at preschool and a “threat” from a stressed mum are unlikely to have triggered this in isolation. More likely is a reluctance to leave mum and sibling, especially if there is an unsettling situation ongoing but op really needs to identify what is behind it and how she can make going positive. Those suggesting a return to preschool may well find that choice is limited if any would take a rising five. Did he go to any settling in sessions, do his out of school friends go to the same school?

Unless OP is in Scotland or he's a summer born, I don't believe you can just decide to hold him back and he'd go to Year 1.

Traumatising him every morning is not a good way to get him to school so maybe defer for a year if he is just 4. How upsetting for you both.

@Anonymous23458d I agree with others, the issue is that you have used school as a threat, somewhere he will be sent if he is naughty.

Also your OP said he had been at home with you after refusing preschool for "a few years" but as I suspected, you meant "a few months" (this is where some posters confusion comes from, understandably). So basically six months ago he was unhappy at preschool, having never been away from you, and you told him you would send him back if he didn't behave; and now you are wanting him to go to school all day – his reaction is totally understandable.

There's quite a bit of work for you to do on why school is great, why he will enjoy it, all the things he will learn and the friends he will meet. Start to big it up and I am sure things will improve. All the best to you all.

It's been two days! He has not gone to nursery or pre school so has not had the preparation for school other children have. His behaviour is normal.

Unless I’ve read the thread wrong, the OP said this once, around two and a half years ago. I really don’t think it’s the cause of this. It’s more likely simply that he’s not used to being away from mum and needs a bit of time to adjust.

Four year olds are very good at kicking up a huge fuss at transition time then being absolutely fine five minutes after the parents have left.

I know how hard it is to see your child distressed but as a parent, it’s your job to do the right thing for your child went when it’s difficult. Yes that means handing them over to school even when they’re kicking at screaming. He will be absolutely fine but it could take a few weeks to get used to it. The main thing is consistency. You need to show him this is his life now.

I'd be more concerned if he is miserable or quiet in the classroom all day, as opposed to just struggling with the transition to school and separation from you in the morning.

Did he know any of the children in his class before starting? I would set up some playdates or do some playground trips with other children in his class outside school so he starts building friendships, which will then help him to settle more easily into school and find it less stressful.

My older DC is not a fan of school but does enjoy seeing his friends everyday. When he is going through an unhappy/problem phase, I find that it is often sorted by really working on friendships out of school in a one to one scenario.

Crikey

It is interesting how things have been turned on their head. Many years ago parents were criticised for sending their children to nurseries and it was seen as unhealthy for the child's emotional development.
Now parents (especially mothers) are criticised for not sending their children to out-of-home settings from a tiny age as if they are going to become reclusive loners for life with no social skills ... this is equally bonkers.
A lot of the pro- nursery and early school arguments arise from necessity rather than choice and the tactic of trying to scare others into thinking they must do the same or their child will be unable to socialise is inaccurate and inappropriate and total nonsense.

If someone does not need to get back to work quickly then let them make the choice to delay school or home school without criticism and scaremongering, just as others should be able to make the opposite choice.

Give parents the freedom to do what they feel is right for their child. There are arguments both for and against both stances.

I get so tired of parents who try to scare others into thinking they are damaging their child by sharing home life with them till the moment they feel it is right.

It has the feel of training a dog with rigid rules as to when and what the child should be conditioned to.

He's not going to be more ready for school by you taking him out again. And when he looks back, do you think he'll thank you for home schooling and not just telling him to get on with it so he can get on with learning and making friends? This is the age he learns how to make friends. Don't deny him the opportunity and set out more problems in the future. Listen to his teacher, rip off the bandaid. It's not about your feelings. It's about what's best for him. Many four year old struggle for a while to say goodbye. But then they have a lovely time. And of course he looks tired - it's September and he is finding it particularly tiring because he's not used to being in a class of little people. But soon he will get used to it. You need to be strong for him.

In England if they are young in the year(April bday onwards) a delay into the next cohort to join Reception might be possible but usually this is agreed before the child has started. Alternatively you can delay the start until later in the same school year/csa and keep the place but missing a chunk of Reception and the social introduction to school might not be helpful longer term.

This

The year makes a huge difference - especially to summer-born boys. Its not old-fashioned; 4-year-olds are too young for a formal school setting. Reception has increasingly become more and more formal, with the last term being the transition to Year 1. 4-year-olds should really be learning through play x

I agree with the teacher, you need to drop him off and get out of there quickly. The longer you stay the more likely he will think either you're going to stay or he can convince you to take him home.

Lots of preparing him for school, putting a timetable up on the wall and making it clear this is the expectation, he will do XYZ, you will walk to school and he will go in nicely. And you'll pick him up after break. Then you can work up to full days. And every time you pick him up bring a small pack of sweets or something as a reward for going in nicely.

I've been so surprised by the response on this thread. Don't let him dictate, etc. He has to go to school, as you say. If he doesn't need formal schooling at 4, then why shouldn't he at home and attending playgroups, preschool etc? Earlier isn't better.

Yes, I had this with my child in reception. I had to preserve because I have to work, and yes, the teachers had to grab him off me to actually get him in…something I’ve seen every year since. He settled after a few weeks. Have the teachers actually told you he’s been screaming all day long at school? Most kids are pretty exhausted by starting school for the first few weeks…he’s coming out drained, maybe he’s tired?

He’s only done 2 days (sorry if I’ve misunderstood this). I really don’t think you’ll be doing him any favours by throwing the towel in after 2 attempts. My child is now in year 3 and he absolutely loves school despite the rocky start.

Because OP seems to want to send him to school and children start Reception at 4? Depending on his age, if OP pulls him out now for a year, he may then miss Reception completely and starting Year 1 with no Reception may also be difficult for him to adjust to.

If he's summer born then OP does have more flexibility but it has only been 2 days and some children need more than 2 days to settle. Especially with little nursery/preschool.