Four year old refusing school start, considering homeschooling and feeling overwhelmed

[Anonymous23458d]

My son is 4 and has just started school. He has been in for two days, but today he absolutely refused to go in.
He hid under his bed, screaming and crying, saying that he hates school and begging me not to send him. The last two mornings have also been incredibly difficult. On both days, he was crying and clinging to me, and the teacher eventually had to pull him off me while he was screaming. It was absolutely heartbreaking.
When I collected him after his full day, he looked so pale and exhausted. He complained of a headache and honestly looked like a shell of my usual happy boy. I spent the entire day worrying about him and found it really difficult to function.
He did attend preschool for around five months. Before starting preschool he was always a very sociable, confident little boy. He loved being around other children. But something happened one day at preschool where he said that a girl/friend had left him out, and after that he completely changed. He started refusing to go and would cry for the entire day while he was there. I eventually took him out because he never seemed to settle back into it.
Since then, he has essentially been at home with me and his little brother for the last few years. He is still a very sociable child. He has friends outside of school, goes to the park every day and sees his friends there, and also sees his cousins regularly. So it's not that he doesn't enjoy being around people – he seems to struggle specifically with being separated from me and being in a school environment.
The teacher has suggested that if he refuses to get dressed, I should just bring him in his pyjamas, but I honestly don't know if I can go through another morning of him being physically pulled away from me screaming and crying. It feels absolutely awful.
I'm now wondering whether homeschooling might be the right option for him. I had hoped to start picking up some of my self-employed work again, but at the moment that doesn't seem possible. Obviously I also worry about whether taking him out would make things worse in the long run.
I know some people will say that because I took him out of preschool previously, he may have learned that if he refuses enough, I'll eventually take him out, and that I'm not helping him build resilience. I completely understand that perspective. But at the same time, I don't want to force him through something that is genuinely causing him this much distress and potentially break his confidence or spirit.
He keeps saying things like, "Please don't send me, Mummy. I'll be good. I hate it." It absolutely breaks my heart.
Has anyone experienced anything similar with their 4 yo?
I'm feeling completely overwhelmed and would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through this. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

This does sound quite normal tbh esp if been at home with the the last few years

as hard as it is for you , it’s better for the child for you to go asap and let teacher settle your son

clinging and wailing to you makes it harder for the teachers to calm the child down

is he crying whole time or does he calm down /enjoy after a while

if you can leave your youngest in childcare / or say now they are going to nursery and mummy working so he doesn’t think missing out

Talk about a drip feed. Are you surprised he is finding it hard when for years you've used school as the threat if he's naughty? Did you start speaking about it more positively before he started??

So we have a clear distinction in our school of those who have been either in the preprep / childcare previously and those few who just started this week. It sounds tough OP and I do feel for you.

It’s a very clear distinction in the kids behaviour- even at 4! I know they are so young but I will go against the mass here (with a hard hat on if needed) you can’t fall at the first hurdle.

Its been 2 days and you’ve said you used school as a threat… you need to re frame it and just get him in the routine if going.

My LO hated nursurey drop offs and hated room transitions, she’s been in nursery since 10m and got over it quickly. 4 years old and not in a setting that has been positively prepping them for the great wonders of starting school might just mean it takes a little bit longer for him to settle. Keep trying and keep school light and a way for him to meet new kids, make friends and learn about everything! A positive attitude at home might help you here 💗

I think I’d be a bit concerned that when the teacher sees a distressed child suffering with anxiety, their answer was to shame it out of them. Making him go to school in his PJs!! He’s not a naughty teen that refuses to turn up or figure out time management, he’s a 4 year old
struggling with being away from his mum for the first time. I don’t know how you see a distraught child and your thoughts are that they’re being manipulative or calling the shots.

if you’re not working what if you just collect him at lunch each day, so he knows he only has to make it through a few hours. Maybe have him off every Friday too so he has 3 days to decompress. It doesn’t really matter what they’ve offered because he doesn’t have to be there. They’ll probably try and make you feel bad though. I’d try to reinforce that he’s safe, you’re not sending him because he’s bad, you’re sending him so he can learn lots of new things. Acknowledge how he feels but also tell him of the positives of school.

This. Just take him in.

I think two days is much too short a time to make any decisions about pulling him out or defering or home education. You need to be positive about school for a start and give it a chance to work out. It is better to just say a quick goodbye and let the adults settle him. They will be used to reception children being a bit upset at the beginning. DS cried for the first fortnight and then went in happily and enjoyed it.

Talking that back seems key here. A lot of people don't like apologising to a child, but it's definitely easier than 13 years of homeschooling!

You could also play up the differences between preschool and primary school, e.g. all these new friends, a big playground, a lovely teacher, whatever you think would get his attention.

@Youcancallmeirrelevant ive not threatened him for years. I said it after April a few times. I feel immensely guilty for it there's no need to be so judgmental. When ive been overwhelmed with both boys and no support ive said it in the heat of the moment and apologised after. It has been extremely hard having them both with me fulltime whilst trying to sell a house with so many issues and other personal issues going on.

That is just kicking the can down the road

Not experienced this from starting school but have done in a nursery setting. It takes time they need to adjust to the people and the environment - how long after you leave is he calming down? That’s the big one if he’s ok within 10 mins of leaving then I think this is more of a you issue. You definitely need to talk positively about school an end point is always good- find out what they do at the end of the day so you can say ‘I will pick you up after …’. I also use lots of references like your such a big boy now big boys get to eg ride there bike / play Lego (whatever the things he likes to do) and they get to go on to school your so grown up now. Maybe plan something nice for the weekend or afterschool. When I pick you up we can go to the park or whatever. Good luck it’s so tough for you both but you will get through it !

It's hard when your LO is not settling but this is worth making the effort to resolve. If you do not want to be homeschooling and dealing with refusal for the next 13yrs+, you and DS1 will both need to make an effort.

Apply all the PPs advice and 'tricks' for settling him -
If possible, can his DDad (or granny or aunty or anyone else) take him into school? It's crap and sexist but most DCs do what dads tell them and they don't argue with other relatives; they save their negotiating for mums who are often more susceptible.
promise him a special snack (and deliver) every afternoon - this got my DD1 though the door. Her weakness was crisps...
reassure him that this is what 'big children' do
let him know how boring your day at home will be and promise to be there to collect him (with special snack) at the end.

oh. Crossed posts. No wonder he’s crying. You’ve made it into a scary place that he’s going to as he’s been naughty

poor little thing 😢😢😢

Would you not feel overwhelmed with homeschooling?

Thing is with everyone saying keep him home until 5… it’s just pushing the problem down the road.

Sorry you’re going through such a hard time OP…. However this bit stood out to me It has been extremely hard having them both with me fulltime whilst trying to sell a house with so many issues and other personal issues going on.

This doesn’t sound like homeschooling is going to be the best thing for you, him or your other DC.

He is only 4 now, it will be a lot harder to get him into school further down the line if he gets the idea that he’s not able to go/
can’t cope like all the other children. It won’t be good for his self esteem, making friendships etc.

I think the suggestion that someone made of half days / phased start is good. Maybe ask for a meeting with his teacher to discuss.

I had to physically carry my DS kicking and screaming into preschool a few times at the start, but he did settle. His teachers were very good at comforting him.

There is also a good book called “helping your child with fears and worries”. I listened to the audiobook - it’s very good with practical advice for overcoming situations like this.

and wouldn't he be going straight into Year 1 if that happens? I don't see how that would make things better missing out on Reception.

I would ask for a drop off adjustment. So is he better if he is the first in for example? Or can he go through a different entrance that is a bit quieter and be led in by one adult?
Can he take in a favourite toy? My son used to go in with a different book to show the teacher every day. What about a sensory intervention like ear defenders to tone everything down?

I’d cry my eyes out if he was mine. I have nothing helpful to suggest, just sending you both love and hugs xxx

I'm sorry for you both, what a stress! I haven't read everything so I'm sure others have made this suggestion but could he start building up a few hours a week and marry it up with a reward chart at home? Sticker for getting dressed, eating breakfast etc to reward him for his efforts with small treats or things he likes to eat? I've never done this myself but another mum at school had a lot of success with it for her daughter and a similar issue ❤️

Ok @Anonymous23458d, now we understand the problem you’re going to have to work hard at making ‘big school’ a great thing in your ds’s mind.
Big up the fun, the play, the friends etc.
Make sure your DS understands that he’s not going because he’s been naughty.
A phased start would probably be a good idea as long as you can pick him up as planned every day to build up his trust.
I’d have a reward chart too - for every day that he gets dressed and goes to school he gets a sticker and then he gets a treat at the end of the week (you decide and mark on the chart in advance when he gets the treat - maybe 3 days to start with, then 7, then 12 etc so there’s one each week)
It’s going to take time and effort to win his trust back but it will definitely be worthwhile.

is he able to articulate why he is unhappy? Is there something at school that upsets him, the uniform or is it leaving you? What was the issue at preschool? Would rewarding his cooperation help? When is he five? You could either request flexi schooling or to start later in the year but agree that may simply delay the problem rather than deal with it. You would need a plan to get him in a happier place, even if that involves a SEN assessment to access support.

I think people are overreacting to the OP having once said something a bit unwise. I’ve definitely said things to both mine that I’ve regretted and shouldn’t have said and it doesn’t stick that deeply.

I massively sympathise as I still remember my DD having to be prised away from me at 11 months when she started nursery and it was absolutely awful leaving her crying. If I’d had an alternative, if I hadn’t had to get to work, I don’t think I’d have had it in me to leave her so I understand.

I wonder if it’s worth asking the school for part time hours to build him up to it?

Oh dear. Would we do this to a dog? - drag them somewhere whimpering and yelping? No we would not.

It sounds as though he is just too young. So keep him home for a bit longer.

Those thinking he will settle by half term need to ask themselves what weeks of this might do to his confidence, which is a precious commodity that needs nurturing for the benefit of the rest of his life.

Every child is different. Some will be ready for school young and thrive the3re; others will not.

Those thinking it is "giving in" to his tantrums need to get a grip on what this is doing to his emotional development.

You know your own child - do what you know to be right in your heart.

Read the thread!

If you're so overwhelmed with life that you've threatened him with pre school, you cannot home school properly.

He needs rewards and school needs bigging up. A small reward every day (stickers etc) building to bigger rewards for repeatedly going in. Start with 3 days is a hot wheels, a week is a magazine, 2 weeks is a small toy. Then it becomes routine that he goes to school.

If you take him back home now, you're pushing the problem on a year and telling him that you'll always take him away from something he doesn't like.

What exactly happened in pre school?