Four year old refusing school start, considering homeschooling and feeling overwhelmed

[Anonymous23458d]

My son is 4 and has just started school. He has been in for two days, but today he absolutely refused to go in.
He hid under his bed, screaming and crying, saying that he hates school and begging me not to send him. The last two mornings have also been incredibly difficult. On both days, he was crying and clinging to me, and the teacher eventually had to pull him off me while he was screaming. It was absolutely heartbreaking.
When I collected him after his full day, he looked so pale and exhausted. He complained of a headache and honestly looked like a shell of my usual happy boy. I spent the entire day worrying about him and found it really difficult to function.
He did attend preschool for around five months. Before starting preschool he was always a very sociable, confident little boy. He loved being around other children. But something happened one day at preschool where he said that a girl/friend had left him out, and after that he completely changed. He started refusing to go and would cry for the entire day while he was there. I eventually took him out because he never seemed to settle back into it.
Since then, he has essentially been at home with me and his little brother for the last few years. He is still a very sociable child. He has friends outside of school, goes to the park every day and sees his friends there, and also sees his cousins regularly. So it's not that he doesn't enjoy being around people – he seems to struggle specifically with being separated from me and being in a school environment.
The teacher has suggested that if he refuses to get dressed, I should just bring him in his pyjamas, but I honestly don't know if I can go through another morning of him being physically pulled away from me screaming and crying. It feels absolutely awful.
I'm now wondering whether homeschooling might be the right option for him. I had hoped to start picking up some of my self-employed work again, but at the moment that doesn't seem possible. Obviously I also worry about whether taking him out would make things worse in the long run.
I know some people will say that because I took him out of preschool previously, he may have learned that if he refuses enough, I'll eventually take him out, and that I'm not helping him build resilience. I completely understand that perspective. But at the same time, I don't want to force him through something that is genuinely causing him this much distress and potentially break his confidence or spirit.
He keeps saying things like, "Please don't send me, Mummy. I'll be good. I hate it." It absolutely breaks my heart.
Has anyone experienced anything similar with their 4 yo?
I'm feeling completely overwhelmed and would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through this. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

No advice OP, just solidarity! My DS is also 2 days in to reception, and our situation is similar. If the TA didn't take him off me, he literally wouldn't have gone in. It's leaving me wrecked.

However, mine has done 3 days a week at nursery since 1, and we've only ever spoken about school as being a treat. We've referred to it as "Big Playschool" . But he still hates going in.

Stay strong, I'm hoping that all the posts here talking about their kids settling in after a few weeks can apply to us too.

Parenting isn't about stopping your child ever feeling distressed. This is life, there will always be distressed. It's about teaching them that they can manage most daily challenges, (that aren't genuinely threatening) manage those feelings, and be okay.

I really don't think that your 4 year old is making an informed decision after 2 days in school that he hates it. I would normalise it with him. "Of course it feels a bit strange and scary; it's the first time you are being a big boy away from Mummy. Lots of the other boys and girls will feel worried and be a bit sad at first, too. But nearly everybody soon settles in and finds that there are lots of good things about school, like friends, and the playground, and lots of good toys, and learning to read. Let's keep on being brave and I will be there every home time with a lovely snack."

Yes my daughter was the same though she was 5 so I couldn't defer a year. Like others have said he doesn't legally need to attend until he is 5. I have such mum guilt after them ripping my daughter off me. I wish I'd felt like I could say no. Now I know I didn't need to put up with that as it also goes against how I believe she should be treated. She did a year in reception and we then took her out to home educated her. Im self employed and home ed her too. It can be exhausting and stressful but also worth it in many other ways. What I found concerning about your post was that he looked physically unwell etc. And was a shell of himself. I've seen so many kids come out to be home educated who are totally burnt out and traumatised by the current state of the school school system. I know it works for many kids but it also doesn't work for many others, particularly ND kids.
I'd advise you to look at your options, visit education otherwise. Know your rights. Maybe he just needs more time and he can try again in a year. Also I'd recommend looking at home education options in your local community, go and meet people, take him to groups etc. So if you do decide to home ed he has friends already. I'd also recommend reading anything by Dr Naomi Fisher and podcasts like stark raving dad. Good luck

My daughter was exactly the same and in the end I took her out.
We’ve got a teacher tutoring her at the moment and she said she felt exactly the same with her own son and deferred him for a year. I really wish I’d tried that with my daughter.
She’s 6 now and we’re about to give school another go 🤞🏼
I really hope you manage to figure out what feels right for your little boy. It’s so hard when they’re that distressed and you’re trying to work out whether to push through or listen to what they’re telling you.

Much sympathy OP. One thing I haven’t seen mentioned here is to keep talking to him about WHY Children have to go to school. Because it’s not all fun and especially not for him right now, but it is important. Talk about the books he’ll be able to read etc, whatever his interests are. Acknowledge his feelings and offer rewards, whatever will help him but make sure he understands that he will be learning important things and that later, once he’s over this new scary bit, he’ll get to do lots of fun stuff.

Just read that you used the threat of going back to school as a "punishment" to keep him in line. So now he sees school as something that signals he has been "bad", hence I now see the reason for him saying that he will be "good" if he can stay home.

This was a bit of a cock up on your part. You need to tell him it was silly of you to say that, school isn't a bad or horrible place, most teachers are kind, most of the other children are nice, and most people find lots of things that they like about school.

Trust your instinct and listen to your child. He is only four and in such distress. He isn’t even school age. If you want him to go to school at least wait until he is five. If not then home educate. Join the HEFA FB group and learn about home education. The UK school system leaves much to be desired, to put it mildly and many home ed children are thriving.

I think that's a good idea. If you take him out completely he might find it even harder to join the class at a later date.

He's only 4..I think it's too young for school really.
I would not be too worried about dropping off and crying but I would be worried as it doesn't sound like he's happy once there...can you speak to the teacher about that? If it's the transition there should be ways to support him.

I had issues with my son and he was 5. I still feel bad about the time I handed him over forcefully (only that bad once) but the teachers made a real effort to support him and settle him and he was happy (mostly) once he got there. I did also send him in clothes that weren't school uniform and one time in a pushchair and I dressed him at gate. I also held his hand walking in a lot longer than others. We got there eventually.

This behaviour is absolutely to be expected if he has not really attended any kind of setting before - it's not a reason not to send him to school.

Additionally, if you have a one year old and have found it overwhleming having both at home, how much homeschooling are you really going to be able to do?

I'm sorry you and your son are having to go through this. Using school as a threat against bad behaviour and him saying he'll be good to stay at home sounds like he thinks school is a punishment and a place for bad children.
Could you start to talk positively about school only? He will pick up on any distress you have too. Can you role play with him on dropping him off and picking him up. Bring treats on pick up if he has any friends who go to the school maybe you could ask to walk the journey in with them so he's not going in alone? Ask the teachers for their schedules for the day so you can talk him through it ahead of time so he knows he has to expect circle time, playtime, phonics, lunch etc, and then home time. You could give him a little trinket/reminder of you so he keeps it in his pocket and connects you and him during the day. If he is later born in the year then he doesn't have to be full time at all until the term after he turns five. Maybe ask the school for a longer settling in period. He does a hour, then two, then to lunch, then after lunch etc, so he gets used to longer days there. You could try flexi-schooling too but I think that maybe dirruptive when they start doing phonics. I think if you pull away from school now and home school you should look at local groups and start exploring them before you pull him out of school as I think most home schoolers do a lot of research about what is available and if it's right for their child and the family. Most home schoolers locally have one parent who solely looks after the kids and their education so you'd have to consider if your self employed work and mortgage/rent could cope with that. I know it's sad right now but i think some positive talking about school, you being excited for him and having a longer settling in period may help solve it.

Not necessarily
By 5 he may be able to cope better

For some children they settle after a few days but for other children being pulled of their parent only reinforces that school isnt safe

This doesn't resolve by forcing into school daily and can cause trauma which makes school even more scary and difficult to enter.

@Anonymous23458d my one child was like this. Preschool made them actually unwell due to anxiety. We also removed them because of the impact it had on their health.

We tried school but this was also difficult - we continued to send them for years. They became a shell of themselves..I knew in my gut that forcing them in was wrong and not helping their school anxiety but we were under a lot of pressure to get them in.
We now home ed because the damage to child's wellbeing was huge. We are several years down the road and in many cases have our bubbly child back but they still get stressed if we go past the school. They are able to explain more now and I feel so much guilt for how long we put them through this.

It is worth trying shorter days - maybe 30 minutes and then pick up but the school.news to be on board so that if child thinks it is 30 minutes then it needs to be 30 minutes. We would have the teacher tell child this but then refused me to collect as they were 'fine now'. But child wasn't fine as the were in a fawn state. This only reinforced to my child that school and teachers couldn't be trusted.

It my be that your child will settle with. Mental approach (and no pulling off you by teachers) or it may be that your child isn't ready for school Nd needs more time before starting.
It my be that home ed is a better option for your child

Good luck

He doesn’t need to be in school at 4. He’s not of compulsory school age. If he is summer born you can defer his entry until next year- just call admissions at county council and explain. He can also do half days- this is your decision not the schools. They don’t need to offer half days you can just inform them. Some children are not ready at 4 especially boys. Separation anxiety is normal at this age and usually gets better as they get older.

Hi OP, hope you have a better morning today.
IMO homeschooling sounds like the wrong option for your family - you’ve got too much else going on.
I have taught reception and had tearful drop offs with my dc. Lots of children do it, some for weeks or even months - it’s really hard for the parent but you need to be strong and resilient for him in his long term interest.
You need to be 100% positive about school, not talk about it too much and do what I call the ‘flick and run’, saying ‘goodbye, love you, see you this afternoon’. Do not in anyway present it as optional! Tell him you understand that he is sad and it is a big change, tell him you felt nervous on your first days but you loved xxx, try to think of some funny stories. Do something nice (but lie energy!) each afternoon. And yes he will be very tired.
sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind - letting him decide to opt out at such a young age doesn’t send him a good message.

I don’t think that’s quite what people are saying. Just that some exposure to being away from mum and play based activities in the year prior to school is helpful.

The school doesn’t sound enormously helpful though.

Yes, I believe you have read the thread wrong- OP took her son out of pre-school in April and has used sending him back to school as a threat in that time since then. I can understand how it’s been misread though, as she does refer to him being at home for years in the OP, and does also state re: the threats “I haven’t said that for years”- however I believe this means that she hasn’t been using this threat over a number of years I.e. “I haven’t been saying that over a long period, only recently” as opposed to how some are reading it as “it has been years since I said that”.
Happy to be corrected by the OP though.

OP, as others have said, if you have struggled so much having him at home since you took him out of pre-school, would you home-schooling him really be a viable option?

So then arrange with school that he does just mornings or just afternoons - think OP will just have a bigger problem if she leaves it.

But she said it once @Bernadinetta … sorry (it is still early!)

Anyway, I honestly think it’s more likely to be that he hasn’t been away from his mum much and needs time to settle and find his feet a bit. I do think once we admit sub par parenting on here the sharks start circling (I don’t mean you.)

I told my five year old that I’d send him to holiday club if he didn’t stop arguing with his sister this summer; probably not wise but I don’t think he even remembers now.

I am amazed at those saying to home educated. I am not against home education.
But this child hasn't yet learnt that it is safe to be away from his mum for the day. That lesson has to be learnt. And no it doesn't magically happen at an older age. The op herself sounds like she gets quite anxious.

I think in his case home educating him may just be setting him up for later mental health issues.

Whereas going to school and learning he can have fun away from his mum, will help to build a happy and confident child.

The OP said “I said it after April a few times”

Fair enough. I still don’t think it’s that terrible a thing to say. I think a gradual build up to a full day would be helpful at this stage.

Well we did send our child despite them being distressed but that caused bigger problems that will last a lifetime.
For some people the school environment is the problem

I would do anything to go back and not put my child through that trauma. School buses life long consequences in our case

Forcing a Child doesn't always make them think it's safe to be way from mum. You can not force independence before a child is able to do this.

Imagine having a phobia of snakes. This can be worked on in most cases but forcing you to be in a box with snakes for hours day is likely to worse that phobia as you spend the day in a high state of anxiety.
This doesn't cure your phobia of snakes but will make you anxious and scared knowing that everyday this will happen and the people you should trust are making happen

But snakes are actually dangerous.
Imagine having a fear of buttons. Maybe spending a bit of time each day with buttons would in fact teach you that there is nothing to be scared of. First you read about buttons and look at pictures. You learn how useful they are. Then you start spending time with buttons. You come to learn that you didn't need to be so scared of buttons.

This is exactly how phobias are treated.

I work closely with CAMHS.
Many, many of the teenagers who develop severe agrophobia and end up NEET have parents who allow them to avoid anything uncomfortable, and have a fear themselves of negative emotions. If you are scared to go out, the best thing you can do is.... go out, small steps at first. Feel the fear and do it anyway!

The parents who cannot cope with their child experiencing any discomfort do such damage to their children