Four year old refusing school start, considering homeschooling and feeling overwhelmed

[Anonymous23458d]

My son is 4 and has just started school. He has been in for two days, but today he absolutely refused to go in.
He hid under his bed, screaming and crying, saying that he hates school and begging me not to send him. The last two mornings have also been incredibly difficult. On both days, he was crying and clinging to me, and the teacher eventually had to pull him off me while he was screaming. It was absolutely heartbreaking.
When I collected him after his full day, he looked so pale and exhausted. He complained of a headache and honestly looked like a shell of my usual happy boy. I spent the entire day worrying about him and found it really difficult to function.
He did attend preschool for around five months. Before starting preschool he was always a very sociable, confident little boy. He loved being around other children. But something happened one day at preschool where he said that a girl/friend had left him out, and after that he completely changed. He started refusing to go and would cry for the entire day while he was there. I eventually took him out because he never seemed to settle back into it.
Since then, he has essentially been at home with me and his little brother for the last few years. He is still a very sociable child. He has friends outside of school, goes to the park every day and sees his friends there, and also sees his cousins regularly. So it's not that he doesn't enjoy being around people – he seems to struggle specifically with being separated from me and being in a school environment.
The teacher has suggested that if he refuses to get dressed, I should just bring him in his pyjamas, but I honestly don't know if I can go through another morning of him being physically pulled away from me screaming and crying. It feels absolutely awful.
I'm now wondering whether homeschooling might be the right option for him. I had hoped to start picking up some of my self-employed work again, but at the moment that doesn't seem possible. Obviously I also worry about whether taking him out would make things worse in the long run.
I know some people will say that because I took him out of preschool previously, he may have learned that if he refuses enough, I'll eventually take him out, and that I'm not helping him build resilience. I completely understand that perspective. But at the same time, I don't want to force him through something that is genuinely causing him this much distress and potentially break his confidence or spirit.
He keeps saying things like, "Please don't send me, Mummy. I'll be good. I hate it." It absolutely breaks my heart.
Has anyone experienced anything similar with their 4 yo?
I'm feeling completely overwhelmed and would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through this. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

Also many children won’t be diagnosed with SEN needs until later into their schooling so it’s hard to discount that as a cause (although it may not be a SEN issue)

My middle son was like this for nursery, but I had to work so he had to go.

take him in. Drop him off. Walk away.

he got used to it.

We have had a few ups and downs but honestly in the early days, the only thing getting my DD into school was talking about the lunch. Agree a lot with previous posters, the longer the preparation time they have, the better. If the school will allow him to do half day settle sessions that may be a good way of easing him in.

If you wait until he's 5 he will already be behind on what they're teaching, so could make the experience harder for him. Plus he'll miss a chunk of what is the most fun year of school, year R is basically play and they spend the rest of school reminiscing about how much fun it was.

You're doing great, I understand the wobbles and it is hard as a parent but in this situation his crying is a protest about something he's finding difficult, rather than a reflection of any actual bad experience.

That’s a really good idea

Your get better information and support about educating other than in school from some of the face book groups like HEFA Home Education for All. Mumsnet is not pro other education. Trust yours instincts and pulling him off you is not right. My child found school very challenging but even in primary we had a variety of ways to ease the transition into the classroom none of them involved pulling them off me. We didn’t end up in HE until 12

We had this with DS at nursery, we handed him over screaming for a couple of weeks before DH said he never wanted to do that again and we decided it wasn't right for him. He has additional needs and the nursery wasn't making the right adjustments. We found a better setting and I was able to come in with him for an extended transition. We delayed his school start by a year and when he did start the transition was carefully planned. He did half days for the first term and I went in with him for a short period in September to help him get settled.

If your DS is summer born you could start him a year later and give him another chance at preschool. I felt strongly that my DS wouldn't be able to manage school at just turned 4 when he hadn't at that point settled well at preschool.

You don't have to let them peel him off you if you don't feel it's right for him. Some children do recover quickly, some don't. You can discuss other ways with the school if you feel school could work with the right transition.

It’s horrendous but you made a rod for your own back unfortunately.

The part where @Anonymous23458d says that her DS says ‘He keeps saying things like, "Please don't send me, Mummy. I'll be good. I hate it." It absolutely breaks my heart.’ is strange

Where has he got the idea that school is associated with not being good? I think you need to reinforce the fact that going to school isn’t a punishment. He can have fun, make new friends and learn lots of new things there. And that you’ll always be there to collect him at the end of the day.

As he’s not yet statutory school age, asking for a very gentle settling in period could be a good idea, if your other commitments allow it.

School isn’t compulsory at 4.

phone the SENCo /school and switch to half days until October; we did this and honestly really helped. We were fortunate to be able to.

unfortunately for some children this is the best thing to do

how is he when you are gone?

I have honestly been through this and bribed the shit out of mine. They are fine once left, and realise it isnt that bad

after 2 days, i think considering homeschooling is insaine, persevere!!!!!

As others have said, take him after the other kids have gone in already and have shorter days. A transition object is a good idea and maybe ask another parent to meet on the weekend to let him build some familiar friends.

@Muchtoomuchtodo that is my fault. When he stopped going to preschool back in April, I was at home with a 1 yr old and him fulltime and when he was naughty and playing up I have said to him 'right youre going back to school tomorrow'
I have been very overwhelmed with no support and I've obviously reacted in a bad way and said that which I deeply regret

It’s early days. He’s 4. They are all tired this week. Don’t let him make your life decisions for you.

So you have made school out to be a punishment?

Well of course he's finding school beyond traumatic if you've used it as a threat.

He needs to understand school is a safe happy place and not the horrible thing that takes him away from his family that you've made it out to be. It would be worth letting school know that this is part of the reason why he is finding it so difficult.

We had a period out of nowhere in reception where my son would cry and not want to go in - i agree about the teacher taking them in. I cried all the way home.

He then had a year or so around year 2 (6ish) when he would cry, scream, hide when it was time to go to school but would present ok once he got there according to his teacher. We eventually managed to get him to talk about school and he was finding rough play and all the noise too much. He's been much better recently after lots of talking and making some adjustments (takes a fidget in his pocket, uses ear defenders in music and can stay indoors during play time) - we're awaiting an autism assessment.

Is it worth doing some role play/worry monster stuff with him to get to the bottom of the issue? We found the story "my bag of worries" was a good conversation starter.

I haven’t read the other replies but I have a daughter who was like this at nursery and at school and it’s traumatised me. Them peeling him off you feels wrong because it is wrong. If I could go back in time to talk to me in the past I would say the following. Don’t send him in as normal. Speak to the school and tell them what he is saying, how he is after school and how you are not happy with how drop off is being handled. Ask for a more gentle transition. Perhaps you can come in with him for an hour or so then work up to leaving him when he feels safe. Do not worry about being awkward. Do what is right for you and him. I don’t mean to be rude but just accept he is not “normal” in this regard and needs more help.

Is he doing full days? Maybe starting with half days woukd be better. My youngest would cry, scream and hold onto my leg. I found the best thing to do was to give her a kiss, cheerily say love you see you after story time and leave. The longer I lingered the worse she was. I would hide round the corner and she'd stop crying in less than 5 minute.

I think you need to do what your comfortable with. He doesnt need to be at school till the term after his 5th birthday so you could keep him home. Although. I think t would be nice gor your younger child to get some 1:1 time as well.

I would request half days- collect him just before lunch time. Indefinitely, but with the aim of him staying for lunch (collected straight after) by half term. Poor boy, it sounds v hard, sometimes staff know best, but not always, so I see the difficulty in completing trusting them!

Is it just the 3 of you? Do you have parents who could help you by having your toddler, so you can focus on your little boy at drop off?

Oh dear. That’s a shame, I can understand how it happened in the moment but unfortunately it has probably caused a lot of this issue.
Maybe a frank talk with him to explain you were wrong to say that because school isn’t a punishment- it’s a place to go to learn, make friends and have fun.

Christ you've been using school as a threat! No wonder he's terrified. You need to tell the school that's where this is coming from. You also need to tell him to the best of his understanding that you didn't mean it, that school is a lovely place with new friends.

I was going to offer some advice of things that have worked for us (ND child) and a friend who has real issues getting her child to school but I don't think any of that is going to work given you've threatened him with school like it's a punishment

I do wonder given you have said that if you can explain to school and see if they will let you come in with him for a bit so he doesn’t see it as being taken away from you as a punishment but as somewhere your going together. But obviously you would need to have some childcare for the younger one

Well, of course he's reacting like this because you've led him to believe that he only goes to school if he's naughty.

It's only been 2 days and he has that in his head. No wonder he's so upset. You need to get it into his head now that school is a good place, not somewhere you leave him when he's naughty.

He will adjust, he just needs time and you need to put in effort to undo what you said to him.

The teacher is right. Reception is a rude awakening for lots of children. Take him in and stop letting him call the shots.