How to raise this bizarre situation with the teacher?

[Carrrrot]

I’ve name changed.

DS is in Y2. A few weeks ago he came home to say that it was the teacher’s birthday in a few weeks time and that they were going to have a party but only the well behaved kids would be invited. Bit odd but I didn’t really think much of it / assumed he’d misunderstood. Over the next few days he tells me,

That three children are invited and everyone else will have to watch from outside the classroom
That she’s told the class she would like perfume and chocolate as presents
That he needs to be really well behaved to be invited (there are no behaviour issues generally, he’s fine)

He’s a pretty reliable reporter but it all sounded so odd.

Today it’s come up on the class WhatsApp (obvs) and ten or more parents have reported the same from their kids. Some are in tears in the evening stressing out about being excluded from this party or being told off and jeopardising their chances.

One mum, God bless her, approached the teacher today, who replied that it was a joke and that the kids should ask her if they aren’t sure if something is a joke. Which is unlikely, because she’s quite a stern figure and I can barely imagine most of the parents talking to her like that, let alone a six year old.

I think there’s quite a lot wrong with all of this and would like to speak to the teacher somehow but don’t know where to start. Any ideas? It just seems like awful, divisive behaviour.

If multiple children are being emotionally distressed to the point of tears and anxiety of course it is a safeguarding issue. It's potential emotional abuse. Not enough info at present to conclude that is the case but the concern is justified.

I read this a felt sick; this a bullying from someone in a position of authority please get all the other parents together & ask for an urgent face to face meeting with the head teacher immediately; as a teacher you do not hold birthday parties for yourself & you sure as hell don’t pick your favourite pupils & ostracise the others to the point that they are in tears in the evenings about it; that’s a disgraceful abuse of position. I applaud all of you for yourself control; I’d have been in & torn her & her party to shreds before now.

Yes very strange indeed but I can't see a safeguarding risk? SLT will already have wind of it I'm sure, primary schools are little bubbles where everything is known. It will be in the process of being dealt with. X

No, OP is reflecting on the incident and canvassing the opinion of other mums. 🙄And for an incident like this, entirely appropriate to go directly to SLT.

Ahh, the teacher who struggles to construct a grammatically correct sentence!

You too need attention if you think this teacher is behaving sensibly.

Anyone else more worried about the comment of “don’t tell your parents!”? Any adult encouraging a 6/7 year old to keep secrets is really quite dangerous!’it’s manipulative at best and a huge safeguarding red flag

God this is shocking behaviour. You all should as a parent group report it to the head and also write a formal letter collectively to the chair of Governors. Do not do this singly - you will need to act as a parent body on this. This woman cannot be allowed to tyrannise the class like that. I’m equally appalled at the absolute lack of awareness of the child teacher dynamics which make ‘asking if something is a joke’ an utterly unreasonable assumption on her part. She needs monitoring and further training asap.

Safeguarding flags waving like its hurricane season !

None of my colleagues would dream of behaving like this, it’s ridiculous. Monday morning, go straight to her and ask what’s going on and for her to explain, if you don’t get a straight answer go to the HT/DHT and explain.

Sounds like a school from the Wicker Man island !

Sorry but no. They’re six, it’s a poorly judged and bizarre joke, not age appropriate at all. If the teacher had taken some action to correct the children’s misunderstanding of her ‘joke’ when the first parented spoke to her, fair enough but she didn’t so time to escalate it.

I was the designated safeguarding lead in my school. This is a potential safeguarding issue. It needs to be drawn to the attention of the headteacher so that they can decide on how best to take this forward. Parents should not put themselves in the position of speaking to the teacher. This allows the teacher to cover their tracks, if there is indeed a problem here. Even if said in jest, the teacher needs to be made aware that this was inappropriate.

If it was all a horrible misunderstanding, someone in the right job would be upset and worried that they’d stressed out the class and would own the mistake and apologise/address it with the class. Her response doesn’t demonstrate any insight or reflection. It’s bizarre.

Wow - how bizarre. The party thing is just weird and I could accept it was a poorly judged joke. But making 6 year olds feel that they have to hide things from their parents or get into trouble/be judged and blamed in front of their friends is really dangerous and shocking. When you say she said 'Bob, Tim and Jane' went home and complained, did she use Fred Bloggs type pseudonyms like that or did she actually name and shame the specific children to the rest of their class?!

She sounds a bit unhinged. Reminds me of a monologue I use at school sometimes about a conspiracy theorist teacher talking to her very young class. One extract goes like this:
Now are there any questions? Sarah? What is a multinational conspiracy? Well that's when all the governments of the world get together to keep secrets from
the people. The aliens are already among us... The government doesn't
want you to know that you are all going to be fodder for an alien race.
Remember how Miss Graham, your principal, told you that little Johnny
White had to move away? Miss Graham is part of the conspiracy. What
really happened is that the aliens took over Johnny's Mommy and Daddy;
they in turn changed into alien monsters with huge teeth and giant claws.
and started to tear that little boy to shreds. He screamed and screamed...
After they were done, they made a milkshake with his brain. Now are
there any more questions? Oh don't cry. Mikey? You're going to tell on
me? To who? Miss Graham? She's part of the conspiracy. She might suck your brain right out your ear. Any other questions? Christopher? I'm scaring you
and you're going to tell your Mommy and Daddy? Well Christopher...
What if your Mommy and Daddy have already been taken over by alien
hosts? What if they tie you down to the table and start to do experiments on you? Now... You wouldn't want that would you? Okay, now all together now. The governments of the world are involved in a multinational conspiracy with an alien race from the planet Zeon; the ultimate goal of this alliance being the total domination and conversion of every man woman and child into hosts for a future alien race that will use all mankind like cattle for food. Very good. That was
excellent for first graders!

When you say she said 'Bob, Tim and Jane' went home and complained, did she use Fred Bloggs type pseudonyms like that or did she actually name and shame the specific children to the rest of their class?!

The latter. Their actual given names @miniaturepixieonacid .

She also has a habit of giving the kids nicknames which, again, I didn’t love but now feels more significant. Messy Jesse, that sort of thing. Skippy for the kid who doesn’t do his homework. Not all pejorative but some.

@Carrrrot That is really concerning. She's creating an environment where small children feel criticised, unsafe and are set against each other. Do the children like her? Want to please her?

I don't have children so this might be OTT but I don't think I would want to leave a child in her care any more.

Red flag city.

I also hate that nicknamey thing. Awful. Those kids will grow up and have those nicknames ringing in their heads their whole lives, to varying degrees. "Oh, I'm always Messy Jesse". One of my absolute pet hates is forcibly categorising and pigeonholing people into limited roles and characters, especially children.

There always seems to be a little gaggle of girls around her, hugging her and so on. What from the perspective of my older DD’s year I’d call the older more people please-y girls. But again, I now don’t know how to read that behaviour. Maybe they’re desperately trying to keep her onside, who knows?!

My son is pretty indifferent to her, compared to previous teachers. Which is fine in itself, current situation aside.

You do wonder if she was trying to create good behaviour by hinting at a party for the good children...

It's a bit twenty years ago and how she has managed to cause so much upset and offence is astounding. I hope she ends up on some sort of inquiry or performance schedule.

Go straight to the headteacher - this is not right.

This exactly ☝️ teacher is wrong on so many levels . Go straight to the head.

As nobody knows what motivated this strange behaviour, it doesn't matter, that's not the OPs concern.I would suggest, if it doesn't seem right, report it. You don't need to talk to the teacher directly, there no hierarchy here of allowing her first opportunity to explain herself. If you are not happy, go to the head as she's responsible for everything that happens in a school, especially when the problem is a safeguarding issue and this definitely fits. if that doesn't resolve things speak to the Council or Govenors. I've had a lot of experience with adults exerting control over children. It's manipulative and ugly and children should never be in this situation. What she's doing is grooming. Not all grooming is for sexual exploitation purposes, there are many reasons why adults do this but when it's being done by someone in a position of trust, all the more reason to sort it out quickly. If she needs help to realise her behaviour is causing concern, it has to start somewhere but there are people in place to deal with this problem and I can guarantee none of them will be parents of children in her class. As a final note my own son was excluded from a Christmas party by a teacher around 20 years ago, she tried to involve the class by swearing the yr 6 pupils to secrecy and told them if anyone told my son or parents, the event would be cancelled. My son had ADHD, but didn't deserve this, I knew he could be challenging and so did the school but although much better now, he's never forgotten what that teacher tried to do. She left the school pretty quickly after her plans were exposed, she's still fairly young but she never worked as a teacher again Im glad to say. Don't let someone similar give your child adverse childhood experiences that will be remembered for years to come.

I was in primary school 40 years ago, and this shit certainly wasn’t happening, or acceptable then, never mind 20 years later. I can well imagine my DM, or the DMs of most of my friends back then would have been down there having this out with the head immediately. Please don’t try to make this a “this was ok back in the day” type of thing, it would most definitely not have been.

don't let this drop op, it’s frankly unbelievable that anyone would think this was a reasonable way to communicate with children.

The teachers at my kids schools would never make a joke about anything like this she sounds like an utter bellend