How to raise this bizarre situation with the teacher?

[Carrrrot]

I’ve name changed.

DS is in Y2. A few weeks ago he came home to say that it was the teacher’s birthday in a few weeks time and that they were going to have a party but only the well behaved kids would be invited. Bit odd but I didn’t really think much of it / assumed he’d misunderstood. Over the next few days he tells me,

That three children are invited and everyone else will have to watch from outside the classroom
That she’s told the class she would like perfume and chocolate as presents
That he needs to be really well behaved to be invited (there are no behaviour issues generally, he’s fine)

He’s a pretty reliable reporter but it all sounded so odd.

Today it’s come up on the class WhatsApp (obvs) and ten or more parents have reported the same from their kids. Some are in tears in the evening stressing out about being excluded from this party or being told off and jeopardising their chances.

One mum, God bless her, approached the teacher today, who replied that it was a joke and that the kids should ask her if they aren’t sure if something is a joke. Which is unlikely, because she’s quite a stern figure and I can barely imagine most of the parents talking to her like that, let alone a six year old.

I think there’s quite a lot wrong with all of this and would like to speak to the teacher somehow but don’t know where to start. Any ideas? It just seems like awful, divisive behaviour.

I can see that being said as a joke. Teacher plans on having a mini celebration (which probably just consists of handing out a single chocolate or sweet to each child) and says light-heartedly that only well-behaved children will be invited. The present thing could be that a child asked her what she wanted and she answered honestly (nothing wrong with that), or it could be that she's like a dreadful teacher I knew, who actually gave the class a written list of the birthday/Christmas presents she expected, and if a family didn't give her something from the list, she'd punish the child.

I don't think I would mention this to the school at all. It seems a non-issue, unless the teacher really is asking for presents. (I don't see how she could have a party and exclude the majority of the class, so I would err more on the side of it is a joke that has been misunderstood. It's not feasible, practically, is it? Where would all the excluded children go? Who would look after them?)

The teacher’s response to the parent who raised the issue tells you everything you need to know. She “replied that it was a joke and that the kids should ask her if they aren’t sure if something is a joke”.

This kind of dismissive minimising underpins much bullying/abusive behaviour. Doing nothing, or only approaching the perpetrator themselves, normalises it.

If you have no idea something might be a joke why would you ask whether it is one? Why would you question the behaviour of someone who has been presented as a ‘safe’ adult and has considerable authority over you? The idea that it’s the children’s responsibility to interpret her brand of discipline (it appears she is using this ‘joke’ to manage behaviour) in a way that prevents the teacher getting into trouble is absurd. The fact that she’d try this line on a concerned parent suggests she thinks she can gaslight adults into backing off too.

Jokes which can only be interpreted as such by someone with equal knowledge, when told to an audience without that knowledge, are not jokes but a form of power play/ manipulation/ bullying. When the listener is then told what they have heard is ‘just a joke’ the fears / feelings they might have had are invalidated, they feel belittled and small, and they mistrust that person.

Obviously this one incident won’t do any lasting damage to your kids, but it indicates the teacher has, at the very least, extremely poor judgement and is unwilling to take personal responsibility for her mistakes. At worst, she has a fundamental misunderstanding of a teacher’s responsibilities and best practice in her field.

Definitely report to the Head in writing, and ask other parents to do exactly the same. This behaviour has no place in teaching.

I keep telling my DD that a joke is only a joke if both parties find it funny.
Kids crying and getting stressed is not a joke and if she did make it as a joke surely she should be bending over backwards to clarify with the kids.

She sounds like one of those teachers featured in daily mail articles who have been struck off the register for being unprofessional in their conduct

The woman has dry sense of humour. The English do not know what that is?
Making the kids ambitious to behave better? - making the parents angry? Of course. Read the thread about : what England did to her kids

Children need to be able to trust their teacher and believe that what they teach is true and correct and the classroom is a safe and fair place.
This behaviour completely undermines that trust. I would say this is a safeguarding issue and would go to the head with this, not direct to the teacher.

I would bypass the class teacher and speak directly to the headteacher. 6 year old rarely have the emotional capability tonunderstand the nuances of that sort of joke. It sounds more like she has said that to cover her backside.

Well that makes it even worse, what a weird strategy to employ. We had a teacher in our childs primary in year 2, who was fairly new to teaxhing and did some bonkers stuff. Needless to say they left mid term and didn't go back to teaching. I guess not everyone is able to do the job properly. I know I couldn't do it. I would be a rubbish teacher. I guess some people are just not equipped to do it?!

Today she apparently, my son tells me, told the class that the party is cancelled, because "Bob, Jane and Mike" went home and told their parents that they weren't invited, and didn't understand that she was a teacher who likes to tell jokes, and if they are like Bob, Jane and Mike and don't understand things, they should come to her and not tell their parents.

Anyway - will write to someone in SLT. Don't know where to start tbh.

Good grief - she’s really digging in isn’t she?! A quick call to the SLT to give them a heads up is definitely in order here.

Awful behaviour from the teacher, @Carrrrot - writing to the SLT seems like a good idea, and I hope you get a more sensible response from them than from the teacher!

I'm a teacher and I think she sounds like a loon, frankly. I'd definitely be having words with the school, and I very rarely say that.

😟 imagine making sarcastic digs at actual six-year-olds to try and cover for your own bad judgement!

This would make me really concerned about what else she might mishandle, resulting in children being upset.

good luck sorting it OP.

Is she quite young and inexperienced? I’m a secondary school teacher and might have a bit of a joke with my older kids, but she clearly doesn’t understand how literal 6 year olds are!

I've no idea how long she's been a teacher but she's not new to the school and I'd guess at least in her 30s.

I would go bat shit at the comment tell her and not tell their parents. There is no circumstance where I want my child to be told not to bring any thoughts/ worries/questions to me. It’s my job as a parent to help my child navigate the world and would be really concerned with any adult implying not to talk to me.

What a shitbox. Now those kids will be held responsible, for there being no party, by the other kids.

That’s wrong in so many counts.
I think I’d not have any confidence in her judgement.

I agree 👍

After the update I'd 100% complain to the headteacher from a safeguarding POV.

No adult should ever be encouraging a 6 year old to keep things from their parents.

The fact she complained about the three specific children in front of the class and insulted them is really nasty.

This is so beyond a joke that was misunderstood and I literally never had a colleague in all my time as a teacher who would have done this. If I was in another teachers class and overheard this I would report it to the head myself.

I would speak to the headteacher rather than speaking directly to her

Yep a letter to head with angle of concerns around them not feeling they can tell their parents things and also dividing class into 'them and us'. Why is she even rabbiting on about this to them? I teach year 2 and my day is packed why is she talking about parties and her birthday?! This sounds like the beginning of a stanford prison experiment!!

Me too.

This. Go higher than this teacher OP, she sounds deranged. Also trust your child for the truth.

This.

From the original post I thought maybe a y5/6 teacher moved down, not understanding that 6/7 year olds won't understand her 'joke'. Being a bit strange can be an effective classroom management tool in some cases- we had a secondary teacher who talked to a mug like it was his friend- it was funny!

But the 'don't go and tell your parents' stuff is so far out of line and a real safeguarding risk to be teaching children that. Headteacher 100%.