Private school on relatively low income

[mummynoodle]

(This is not just another private v state debate - I've read many and don't think we need another!)

I'm wondering if anyone who has sent their DC(s) to private school (particularly prep/pre-prep, less so secondary) on a low/average salary can talk to me about their experiences?

DD is almost 4, so will be starting Reception in September. We have been looking at both state and indie schools, and we are very heavily leaning towards a pre-prep/prep school that we really love the look of. We're not keen on our state options, don't really feel like they suit DD and have only really liked one after visiting them which we feel she is unlikely to be offered a place as it is small (15 places offered) in a large town and we are not particularly close geographically.

We've spent hours going over the fees, the extra costs, every pro and con you can think of. We've factored in the increasing costs each year, lots of new uniform as she grows, sports equipments, music instruments etc. We can afford the private school but equally we are aware it is a lot of money to spend on our income (£25-30k each). For full transparency, we are separated and the plan is for myself and exDP to pay 45% each and my parents to pay 10%. We started putting money aside in Aug/Sept and have the first term's fees saved. We will not enrol her in the private school without at least one year's fees saved in advance as feel it would be silly to do so without a buffer to be kept in case of emergencies.

If you sent your DC to private school on an average salary, do you feel like you made the right decision? Did they stay in private education? What did you/your DC miss out on because you couldn't afford it?

I would have 2 serious concerns about this. One is the stuff your DD will miss out on due to the money needed for school fees, the second is that your ex partner changes his mind about the arrangement. I think with such tight finances, the risk of you needing to withdraw your DD is too high.

I know there are lots of posters on here who would forego everything to put their children through private education, but personally I wouldn't, unless my child had specific educational needs or we were very wealthy.

Coming at it from the point of view of someone who went to private school with a parent on an average income. My mum really scrimped on everything else to afford private school (for context, a much cheaper one than some I see talked about here). The state school we'd have gone to was pretty bad and I think she just saw it as a priority. (Obviously I realise that to have the choice at all is a privileged position to be in). I don't know if those of us in that position gravitated towards one another but I had a few friends in the same position.

In terms on what we missed out on, holidays, anything other than the cheapest clothes, basically anything much more than essentials. I think sometimes being at private school can make you feel like you are missing out compared to those with wealthy parents who can afford it with ease, when you see all the stuff they get. Honestly I don't feel any worse of for having missed any of that stuff - I actually feel I have a far better sense of the value of money than some friends (from private and state schools) where families didn't need to watch money at all.

However I think from my circle I know a few people, my sister included, who were not very academically minded and achieved only average results with all the extra help you get. I think if my sister hadn't had that extra help she may have struggled to get the results to be able to do the degree she wanted, which has directly led to the job she's now doing. And I also have a friend who was dyslexic and got a lot of extra help. I got on ok academically and was able to do more subjects than I would have at state school, which helped me get into uni a year earlier than normal.

If I could afford to I would send my kids to one. It really wasn't easy for my mum, but I think doing that has meant my sister has a lot more opportunities open to her than if she had not received the extra help and got poorer results. Obviously depends on the individual schools (both the private one and the state one they would otherwise be going to) but I would want to give my kids the best chance I could of them getting good results and the opportunities that come with it. Honestly I think if academics come easily or you can't do them at all it makes less difference, but I think it can make a big difference for kids in the in between category. In an ideal world all kids should have the same opportunities, but sadly that's not the world we live in.

Have you looked at bursary options? Some private schools offer partial financial support up to more than your joint incomes.

What happens if your ex decided to have another child or through other circumstance can no longer afford the fees? Or your parents can't afford due to care needs etc?

If I were you I'd save the money you would pay in school fees and use it for a house deposit for your DD in the future.

I went to private school local, good yes, then had a very bad time at first state secondary ( merging secondary and grammar to comprehensive), first 15 months.
Think would have been less bullied going to state primary, moved to then different secondary state very happy

Save your money for year 3 onwards, the EYFS KS1 curriculum is basic and you aren't getting the most for your money, ie small classes when taking GCSE subjects etc.

At the risk of sounding brutal about this, you need your parents to contribute to school fees for 16 years for this to work. Are you sure that they will still be alive in 2038?

Way too many moving parts here

The child’s father might get made redundant, choose to take a lower paying job, get married, have more children, get ill or die

The grandparents may need to find health/ care costs or decide to blow their money on a round the world cruise or die

As others have said your child will miss out on a lot if there’s no other money after paying school fees

Having educated 2 kids privately from Nursery to A levels I feel I can say with some authority that it is not typically worth it for primary school years. There’s more of an argument for value added at secondary. Given that you might decide to collectively invest on behalf of your child and revisit the question when they are coming up to secondary school

@Luncheonmeatsandwich your ex partner changes his mind about the arrangement

I don't really think this is a concern - if we we're still together I wouldn't be considering that the fact that we could separate one day would be a consideration for what school she goes to. He has offered to help pay and is happy to do so - this is a decision that we have been thinking about together.

What happens if your ex decided to have another child or through other circumstance can no longer afford the fees? Or your parents can't afford due to care needs etc?

I was wondering the same thing. I'm sorry OP but sending her when finances are so precarious would be foolish. It's much easier to make the decision now, rather than have to remove her in a few years because one or more of those paying the fees has had a change in circumstances.

@Hakunamatata91 this is interesting to read from someone who has had a similar experience to what DD may have, thank you!

I am worried that she may feel inferior surrounded by wealthier friends. Eg in the holidays are they all going to be jetting off around the world whilst we pop down the road in the caravan? (We love our holidays in Nan & Paps camper van, I am not suggesting that there is anything wrong with this myself, but can see how to a child it might not seem as exciting as somewhere sunny and exotic!)

Like yourself, the state school that DD would most likely be attending if we went down that route is not ideal, hence why we started to consider independent schools in the first place.

@PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister I should hope they'll still be around in 2038 - they were only born in the 70s! Of course they may not be, but in that sense, I may not be either! 😅

Fees only go up as they get older plus inflation. Not to mention the extras. £100 a blazer is not uncommon, literally everything has to be branded, the masses of sports kit and all in it costs £1000s. Then it’s not just about holidays, but how do you tell her that £200 term for after school tennis club isn’t happening even though all her friends are going. Then that’s before you get onto the ex- what if he changes his mind, what if he has more children one day. Not a nice thought but your parents could go on to develop care needs before your DD is 18. It all sounds too tight and too precarious.

What about going state but tutoring and trying for a bursary at 7+ or 11+?

I wouldn’t this is a massive commitment . You are obviously stretching yourself to afford this .
what happens a few years down the line when you both could have another child ?
not nice to be the poor child in a prep school . Also a lot of pressure on child, when you have invested so much .

I would do it from 11+ or 8+ at a push. It's a huge stretch from reception with finances this tight

I agree with @sailingsunshine I'd wait until year 3. Save the money you would be paying over those 3 years and you'll have a bit of a buffer.

Don't do it from primary. Save for secondary. I've done it from age 4 on a salary of under £25k initially and it was bloody hard. We get a bursary now for senior (you don't tend to get them for primary) and earn a little more but it's still hard. £800 for a language trip, £300 for extras all in the same month - plus fees on top. It's literally a money pit!

What are your thoughts on secondary ? it's usually said, and I have some sympathy, that it's more important to pay for private secondary that primary.

I personally think if money is that tight that the grandparents have to chip in, that you would be better moving home to find a better school, than paying. There are so many hidden costs to private schooling, eg the shorter terms so you will have more holidays to consider for child care

How much are the fees?

I can’t see how the figures would be sustainable in the long term unless the fees are very low / you’ve been offered a significant bursary / you’re confident of increasing your incomes. On salaries of £25k-£30k you each have a take home income under £2,000 a month - with the current cost of living, whilst you might have done the maths on paper are you sure you’ve actually factored in whether to scrimping and saving to the extent you’re going to need to will mean just going without luxuries or whether it’s going to mean not putting the heating on and budgeting hard for food?

I did it, by myself with ex's help, but it wasn't a typical choice (husband left when child already in private reception). Ex-H continued to pay half the fees. No bursary/scholarship help in prep, but child secured a 50% (then 30% when I got a better paid job) bursary. However the duel house expenses took their toll. I will be paying for my end of it for some time to come, but child did well and is now at RG uni. And so the money I paid for the school is still being paid to uni support now.

We 'missed out' on holidays abroad, but we went to Butlins/camping/cottages in Britain, so we did have holidays. There were complaints by my child at what other children got given, but I said 'I am raising a decent human being, not a spoilt little git', and this seemed to sink in. Grandparents funded school trips abroad thankfully, or I think my child would have felt left out.

Caveats: I am in the North and so fees are less (probably). This was a day school. Child also secured a scholarship which meant another 1k off over 2 years. This was also the time of cheap credit, so I managed to shuffle things around between 0% credit cards, low 2.3% loans and my mortgage was low 2.44% in a cheap house in the best road near the school, so no travel costs.

All this would have fallen apart in 1) the current financial climate 2) if I had lost my job 3) if his father had reneged on the agreement. None of this was court ordered.

I also had to do a yearly auditing of finances by a company hired by the school, and bi-yearly interviews at my home, in order to prove that we were deserving of the bursary. Which was fair but a bit of a trial.

I am glad that this time is over for me now, because of the interest rates mainly. I didn't miss going abroad because I've never been keen on burning the aircraft fuel, but I think my child felt it when others were skiing/generally doing things in other countries. I always managed to cover lunches/music/uniform/club fees/day trips etc. but you need to factor those in too.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Your child would benefit much more from the cash in the bank to buy a house or start a business. Private school doesn’t really help much, especially considering you won’t be able to afford to take advantage of the expensive extras like trips abroad or sports or music tuition. You may even find that your child is bullied for being poor.

It sounds like financing the fees is relying on too many people, and their circumstances could easily change. Personally in your situation I wouldn't as it sounds very precarious.

I wouldn't. It will put too much pressure on you all and its such a long term commitment for your parents (and you). I'd rather move to be closer to a decent state school than do that. My children went to the most wonderful state school. They do exist!

My concern would come from seeing other threads on MN about having to move children out of private school due to not being abLe to afford anymore. There’s a lot of moving parts here.