Private school on relatively low income

[mummynoodle]

(This is not just another private v state debate - I've read many and don't think we need another!)

I'm wondering if anyone who has sent their DC(s) to private school (particularly prep/pre-prep, less so secondary) on a low/average salary can talk to me about their experiences?

DD is almost 4, so will be starting Reception in September. We have been looking at both state and indie schools, and we are very heavily leaning towards a pre-prep/prep school that we really love the look of. We're not keen on our state options, don't really feel like they suit DD and have only really liked one after visiting them which we feel she is unlikely to be offered a place as it is small (15 places offered) in a large town and we are not particularly close geographically.

We've spent hours going over the fees, the extra costs, every pro and con you can think of. We've factored in the increasing costs each year, lots of new uniform as she grows, sports equipments, music instruments etc. We can afford the private school but equally we are aware it is a lot of money to spend on our income (£25-30k each). For full transparency, we are separated and the plan is for myself and exDP to pay 45% each and my parents to pay 10%. We started putting money aside in Aug/Sept and have the first term's fees saved. We will not enrol her in the private school without at least one year's fees saved in advance as feel it would be silly to do so without a buffer to be kept in case of emergencies.

If you sent your DC to private school on an average salary, do you feel like you made the right decision? Did they stay in private education? What did you/your DC miss out on because you couldn't afford it?

I wouldn't do it without at least trying state primary. What is it that you didn't like about the ones you viewed? If they're all a much of a muchness I would send her to the nearest one so she'll have a chance of friends in her street etc. She may very well love it.

You’d be better off moving to a better school area. Me and my ex earn £180k between us and we can’t afford to send our child to a private senior school so I’ve no idea how you can on £25k each. Aren’t most schools £20k a year?

I work in private school sector and honestly you are wasting money till they are 11 or actually 13. Have a tutor from early on, work less, spend time with them, read to them, walk with them, enjoy them. You will have emotionally balanced healthy kids that will go on to do well. Work on possibly mending the relationship with DD’s dad. Financial stress is not going to help things. Move if you have to get to a decent neighbourhood if your school options are rubbish. But don’t stress yourself out just because society is geared up that way. I sent my kids to state and they are well balanced, happy, super bright and have great EI. A big school teaches them GCSEs yr in yr out, over and over again, they have loads of people to choose to befriend. Have faith.

It won't be possible in those salaries, but you could save for secondary - it's more "value for money" in secondary.

I wouldn't do this as you can't afford it on your own. To be honest, I think most people would like to send their dc to private schools but most people can't afford to do so.

I think when you have a tiny dot of a three year old child you can't imagine them being in a class of 25 and it's much more palatable to send them to a nurturing private school.

You can't afford it. You are going to make the next eighteen years very difficult for yourself by trying to afford it.

I am worried that she may feel inferior surrounded by wealthier friends. Eg in the holidays are they all going to be jetting off around the world whilst we pop down the road in the caravan? (We love our holidays in Nan & Paps camper van, I am not suggesting that there is anything wrong with this myself, but can see how to a child it might not seem as exciting as somewhere sunny and exotic!)

Contrary to what Mumsnet tends to think, there are stacks of families in private schools that are prioritising paying school fees over lifestyle. There are lots of rich kids for sure but also plenty of families that don't have lavish lifestyles.

Can you afford to live out with paying the school fees? Luxuries, holidays, extra curricular activities, nights out with friends? Mortgage rates increasing?

private schooling is a huge commitment

Does the maths work? Say £12k a year at primary. So your share is £450 a month before you've bought uniform, clubs etc. You must be taking home max £2k a month. So unless your rent or mortgage are super cheap that doesn't seem to leave much for anything else?

I do this, have done for some years. Our school isn't big on extras - uniform, expensive trips etc and the fees are probably on the lower end so that makes it possible. I do consider it worthwhile, and once I take into account school lunches, swimming lessons, after school clubs etc I don't think it's much more expensive than what I would be spending anyway. Depends so much on your school really.
Do have a back up plan in mind in case it all goes wrong!

I truly cannot believe on your salaries you are even considering this.
I would send then to state primary and maybe consider investing £500 per month or something into a stocks and shares isa so that when they’re 11 you’ve got a lot more money saved up and you can send them to private school then. In the meantime you can afford days out, holidays, clubs which is also what makes a childhood great

given finances are so tight you need to be sure neither you nor your ex will have more children: if your parents were born in the seventies then I assume you and your ex are still relatively young. New spouses and step kids, and more biological children for either you or your ex will make this difficult.

do you have siblings? Can you parents afford to do the same for more children too?

I went to a primary school in an incredibly wealthy area - not private but may as well have been. My parents clearly felt inferior and I was always the poor one. Had my parents handled it better it might not have been as big a deal - but it was awful feeling embarrassed by my clothes and our house. I remember one girl coming round and being horrified that there was only one bathroom and refusing to use it becomes my dad had just had a shower!! I remember another telling me I was poor because we only had one holiday a year.

That's the rough maths I did too. Op can you honestly live from month to month - mortgage, utilities, phone, TV licence, food, car, clothes, presents - on about 1400 a month? Not to mention private school uniform and any other extras.

And fees will go up - inflation rises as well as fees increasing at each key stage most likely. How much are the fees?

This. My DC goes to a private school. I am pregnant, so we are saving already for the baby to go too. Lots of people at our school do not have pots of money. Some do, but it is mostly populated by MC parents who work hard at providing everything. Plenty do not go on holiday, or have flash cars (some do not have one), there are children who do not do after school activities etc.

I think that it is quite tight for us sometimes, in terms of the choices we make to finance everything, but we earn more than you. It is hard to say without knowing your fees etc, but I do think you are making life very challenging. Maybe that is worth it to you. It is worth it to us and I do see advantages to private primaries. Especially when I talk to state school parent friends. Our local school is not good, and local friends confirm that to me often. So we are glad we made the choices we did.

@LolaSmiles I can't imagine we're the first parents who have been offered help from grandparents in paying school fees!

vaguely similar situation here but we are married to one another & have no parental help with fees. We earn a very average income. Maybe high end of average.

anyway - we did like you have done, did all the sims. Factored it all in. Didn’t factor in a recession and Covid. Didn’t factor in cost of living and a recession. How could we have known?

fees At our dc school go up about 3-5% a year. No problem. Next year they go up 40% - NOT A TYPO. FORTY PERCENT. We did not factor that in. It has very happened in the history of the school.

now of course, I await someone coming on to say ‘YABU, of course you should have allowed for a 40% increase in fees + recession + global pandemic’ but I confess we did not.

so I guess what I’m saying is - unless you pay the entire education up front on day one (which does happen believe me, we have 3 friends who have done this) - you simply never know.

DH runs an education consultancy and I help.

There’s a few questions I have as I’m unsure of this:

1. is private school the preference because you don’t like the other schools?
2. if yes to 1) then is your aim for better results?

The worrying thing here is that there is so little transparency amongst parents at private schools. Unless it’s simply because you like a school that happens to be private and are not worried about results, any school worth its weight has a strong results and secondary feeder etc. if your plan is a private secondary (how on Earth will you afford that?) or a grammar school - you need to be aware that most parents private tutor. There will be parents on here claiming to be MC and prioritising education and it all being “normal” but that is a little bubble that’s been created to protect their feelings. It isn’t true.

The experiences and connections at private schools are the main draw, being the poor kid at school will, I promise you, be something your child is aware of. It isn’t nice. They’ll miss out on experiences and extra clubs and joining their best friend skiing in the winter and visiting their family home abroad in the summer.

99% of our tutoring enquiries under 11 years old are parents with children at private schools. Tutoring is expensive.

Bear in mind fees regularly go up by more than inflation annually, plus in increments as they progress through the school. Extras were often around 10% but it will vary what is included in the basic fees (books, wrap around care, lunch, clubs, swimming, music lessons, dance, outings and in school visits etc ). Grandparents paying is not that unusual, it can be for tax reasons or to advance inheritance.

@Jenny3412 This is all very valid, thank you for your input. I know that at the end of the day wherever she is, she will succeed. The local school is rated "inadequate" by Ofsted and I know that's not the end of the world but I have spoken to many parents/ex parents and no one has a good thing to say about it. Their results are incredibly poor, no extra cirriculars, can't provide meals for dietary requirements, not a safe area etc.

I have considered moving to an area with better state schools but I think that, financially, it would actually make me worse off - it would definitely add £££ onto my mortgage per month and on top of that I would have to pay for breakfast/after school clubs etc.

Not sure about mending the relationship with DDs Dad though, I think that ship has sailed 😂

@CloudPop This is good to know, as it's exactly what I'm worried about!

If you have a mortgage then something you possibly haven’t considered, for example, is that when it comes time to remortgage, you’ll be asked to declare any ongoing financial commitments - school fees being one of them. If you’ve committed a significant portion of an already low income to school fees, that’s going to seriously affect your ability to remortgage because you’ll be considered financially overstretched. I wouldn’t put even education above your child having a secure home.

I agree re add ons. Our DC school fees include everything. Breakfast club is ‘free’, as is a 35 min homework club. Lunch clubs are free, so is all sport except external tennis. Swimming is of course included in the school day so no extra charge. Private Music lessons are extra, DC do not learn an instrument because we cannot afford it.

I'd honestly not do it so young. Try at the best state school you can and all of you keep saving as if you were paying fees, see how you can cope with it. And then your child may settle fine , otherwise move them in about year3/4.or straight from date to secondary as I did with mine, lots do this and you'll know much more then about your child's needs.
At independent school there are some super wealthy parents but most are normal and you'd not know one way of the other (or frankly care) I do not pay for lots of extras at all .

DD is almost 4, so will be starting Reception in September. We have been looking at both state and indie schools, and we are very heavily leaning towards a pre-prep/prep school that we really love the look of. We're not keen on our state options, don't really feel like they suit DD and have only really liked one after visiting them which we feel she is unlikely to be offered a place as it is small (15 places offered) in a large town and we are not particularly close geographically.

What is so bad about the state schools on offer that they wouldn't suit your DD, and why do you think a private school would suit her better?

I think you are mad to think about it and need to be realistic. Your circumstances may change. Partners too. Either or both might want a second DC. Parents get sick.

@2pinkginsplease I am confident that I can have some luxuries whilst paying the school fees e.g. going on holiday, but possibly not abroad (or at least definitely not abroad every year). Most of the activities that DD already does (gymnastics, ballet, swimming, football) can be done at the private school, either included in the fees or for less than what I am currently paying. I have also factored in paying for musical instrument lessons and one or two clubs.

I am already paying more than my share of the school fees in nursery fees, and have done since DD was small, so I am not worried about going without, rather worried that the other children at the school with have so much more.