Private school on relatively low income

[mummynoodle]

(This is not just another private v state debate - I've read many and don't think we need another!)

I'm wondering if anyone who has sent their DC(s) to private school (particularly prep/pre-prep, less so secondary) on a low/average salary can talk to me about their experiences?

DD is almost 4, so will be starting Reception in September. We have been looking at both state and indie schools, and we are very heavily leaning towards a pre-prep/prep school that we really love the look of. We're not keen on our state options, don't really feel like they suit DD and have only really liked one after visiting them which we feel she is unlikely to be offered a place as it is small (15 places offered) in a large town and we are not particularly close geographically.

We've spent hours going over the fees, the extra costs, every pro and con you can think of. We've factored in the increasing costs each year, lots of new uniform as she grows, sports equipments, music instruments etc. We can afford the private school but equally we are aware it is a lot of money to spend on our income (£25-30k each). For full transparency, we are separated and the plan is for myself and exDP to pay 45% each and my parents to pay 10%. We started putting money aside in Aug/Sept and have the first term's fees saved. We will not enrol her in the private school without at least one year's fees saved in advance as feel it would be silly to do so without a buffer to be kept in case of emergencies.

If you sent your DC to private school on an average salary, do you feel like you made the right decision? Did they stay in private education? What did you/your DC miss out on because you couldn't afford it?

You aren’t and my Mum could help if needed but I would never rely on it unless they gave me the money upfront to be invested or similar
Sorry OP, I just don’t think it’s a good idea

We sacrifice an awful lot to send ours to private. However, we are only sending them to private for years 7-11. I would start saving your money for secondary where it matters more and is more expensive

@Remaker I'm sure there are a few very rich families at my children's private school but they are certainly not the majority. Most of the kids seem to live in very ordinary houses like us. A few go on very fancy holidays but most go away for a week or two to Europe in the summer. Lots go camping or to Eurocamp.

My friend and her brother were in this position for secondary school. It wasn’t great, to be honest, they felt absolutely enormous pressure to succeed because they knew their parents couldn’t really afford it and were sacrificing a lot to send them to that school. Both kind of crashed and burned a bit in the end and certainly didn’t come out with higher results or resulting better degrees or careers than those of us at state school.

It sounds like you are very young so maybe your ex and you will get much higher salaries in the future. I still don't think it's worth being so stretched. I thought you were going to say you and ex earned double your current income. That would still
be low for private.

IS the £30k each gross? That's a very small salary to live on after deduction of tax then fees.

Absolutely no one thinks private primary is worth it.

Consider how damaging it will be if you have to pull her out. If youre willing to do that to her you may as well send her to the state option for infants then move her in juniors.

I'd put an amount into savings between you now for an education fund.

It doesn't sound viable. Instead invest in great extra curricular activities that enrich your child's life.

Can I offer a different perspective? (I apologise if this comes across as insensitive, but I’ll offer it as some food for thought which might help with your own decision.). My kids go to private school and the money isn’t significant for us. And it’s fine. Fine as opposed to neither good nor bad. And, yes, it’s probably “better” than the state alternative in terms of facilities, class sizes etc. But if we’d believed the marketing hype, we’d have been very disappointed. And I can honestly say that, if money were an issue at all, we wouldn’t send them.

I’m absolutely convinced that private school isn’t the huge advantage people think it is; it’s a symptom rather than a cause. The real, core advantage comes from having affluent parents who care about education. (They’re not limited to private schools of course, it’s just that almost all the kids there have those parents by definition.). And you’re clearly in that category of parent. So if funds are limited, I’d argue that you’d get far more “bang for your buck” by spending that money on, say, extra tutoring, cultural activities, sporting clubs (or whatever your child’s interests are).

The other thing that I’ve noticed is a definite correlation between the enthusiasm for the advantages of private school and difficulty paying the fees. There’s a family at my DD’s school who are pretty openly struggling with the finances; to hear the mother talk about “state schools”, you’d think they were like some sort of Dickensian workhouse. But it’s the same as you don’t find people who’ve spent their life savings on a Caribbean cruise slagging off the food and the itinerary; they’ll be telling you about their “holiday of a lifetime”. Because the psychology of it is too difficult otherwise.

Sorry OP but you definitely can’t afford it on 40k-60k. I’m assuming that’s net, too. Don’t do it. Use the money to move house to a better catchment area.

@WimpoleHat incompletely agree - it’s not about the school itself , the private school I attended actually in some cases had worse facilities than state schools back in the 90’s, same quality of teaching. Everyone did well because they were surrounded by other people who wanted to do well, and who had parents who values education and pushed and supported them at home with things like reading, no disruptive or unmotivated people in the class to set a bad example or interrupt lessons…

Even with help from grandparents I don’t think it’s financially viable. Out of your combined income you have to fund 2 houses. I effect, you’re a single parent on just above minimum wage.

My DC went private for primary and then to grammar for secondary. Ideally I would have sent them private all the way through but I can't afford it since getting divorced (exH won't help). Therefore I'm fully in favour of private schools but given the huge cost I may have made a different decision at age 4.

A few thoughts for you to consider:

Have you calculated whether you can afford it through to at least age 11? The school's website will usually publish fees for each year group and there is usually a jump for y3&4 and sometimes again for y5&6. So if reception fees are c£12k a year (so c£4k a term) then y3 plus may well be c£15k a year. Then you have to factor in the increase in school fees. In the 6 years my DC were at their last school fees increased by 25% (and that was before the inflation rates as they are now). So if the y6 annual fees now are £15k a year you need to assume they will be at least £20k a year by the time you get there.

If you're in your mid-20s are you likely to get promotions etc? Ie if your salary is likely to go up on a regular basis then the above fees increases can be better accommodated whereas if you're in the sort of job where it doesn't really increase that's more of a problem.

Whatever agreement you have with your exP on fees - make sure that it is in writing, signed by both of you and that it specifies a percentage of the fees and not just a specific amount (otherwise you will end up paying loads more over time). Think also about things such as - if that school turns out not to be right for your DC and you want to move to a different school, what are his thoughts on that. Try and factor whatever you can into an agreement now so it is harder for him to wriggle out of it down the line but equally make sure you have some flexibility if you change your mind. While it may all be amicable now in 5 years time it may be very different.

Is the private school local to you? What is its usual catchment area? Where do most pupils live? One of the difficult things for my DC was not living close by to their friends so play dates always took more organisation and were more difficult.

If you have a reasonable length school run have you calculated the cost of that? Not only the actual fuel cost but wear and tear on the car, time taken etc. I didn't calculate this and the school run although only c20mins each way worked out at c10k miles a year which with fuel costs as they are is expensive.

Is the private school one where there is a mix of parents and plenty of working professional parents (ie not just the super rich)? I assessed this by checking out the cars at school pick up time 😂. If it's mixed your DC will likely fit in more. It was at my DC school and the super rich were definitely the exception.

Have you factored in the much longer school holidays and childcare for those? As they are usually off for a few weeks in the summer before the state schools break up it can be v difficult to find holiday clubs etc and those that are available are expensive (as they're for prep school DC), Christmas and Easter are usually a week longer as well. The bonus to that is you can go on cheaper holidays (if you can afford any...)

The wrap around care in term time is usually a lot better - my dc could go 7.30-6 if necessary and have all meals at school and do their after school activities there so we didn't have to take time out of weekends etc to do that.

For us it's meant missing out on expensive holidays, replacing the car, doing work on the house - those sort of capital expenditures as I haven't been able to save additional money.

Personally I felt it was worth it and my DC were happy at their schools but if I had my time again I would definitely look more seriously at waiting until y3 (especially if you're in an area where they have separate infants/juniors schools and can find a nice infant school for the first 3 years).

Good luck with your decision.

I agree with @WimpoleHat entirely. We were in exactly your situation (albeit on double your income but still knew it would be a stretch). We sent our eldest to private primary, couldn’t imagine sending a tiny dot of a 4 year old to the state primary with bigger class sizes etc. another 3 children on and a financial jolt and we had to pull her out. She now attends state secondary and the other 2 state primary. We have not looked back and wish we hadn’t done it. I do agree that those who can least afford it convince themselves the state sector is like some Dickensian workhouse and it’s simply not true. They also convince themselves that private will push where state won’t which simply own my true. We were sold the nonsense that private school pupils are at least 2 years ahead of state - well that maybe true at a selective senior (because it is selective) but most certainly not a primary.

I think you have decided already and are looking for positive reinforcement but it is a big big mistake on your wages and given you have split from DH. Your child will be absolutely fine at state primary. It is awful having to take them out even if you believe you will always manage. Mine is now thriving but I wish we had never bothered in the first place.

This really.

I'm not on a low income, I'll be straight on that point but if our circumstances changed we would move heaven and earth to keep them in school. My view is that in total the annual cost barely changes from FT nursery to schooling, to uni.

They’ll miss out on experiences and extra clubs and joining their best friend skiing in the winter and visiting their family home abroad in the summer

My kids do free clubs at school and have only done one extra "paid for" club in 6+ years. I don't know anyone who takes another child away somewhere glamorous on holiday (at prep level anyway). There is a very wide range of fees in the private sector -£12k to £30k is quite a range and the lifestyles your children mix with will be in accordance with fees really.
During the pandemic a few days aside my children had full live schooling up and running within days. It's still used for snow days, for contagious illness where the child is well enough to attend a lesson remotely. It's been a fantastic effort by the school and a massive difference to state schools in the area. We've also had fantastic learning support for a dyslexic child which was our primary motivation in the first place.
I would do it. You will utterly question the fees when you see how much time is spent on Christmas activities and you also need to factor in much longer school holidays.... 14 weeks is normal, 16 is not unheard of. But the school day is longer which helps with childcare. We don't use after school care much as that's another £5-7 a day but they finish at 3.50'and a free sports club out to 5 is not unusual.

I wouldn't go private unless it was to a top name private school and definitely only at secondary

Are you not concerned that your ex will meet someone new, have a baby and suddenly this big expense won’t feel as reasonable.

I honestly think you’re better off saving for her to have a house deposit.

Don't do it for primary - not worth it til secondary.

We did this and it was worth it. We have now moved to 'good' state secondary and I am pretty appalled to be honest. We are seriously reevaluating our whole lives around getting back into the private system - or out of the British education system all together. It's just awful. For those who say it's not worth it at primary, they are being very shortsighted. It's not about grades, it's about attitudes to learning, good habits, confidence, being 'seen' in manageable sized classes, access to try lots of different activities, physical fitness, good food, pastoral care, the works. The state system is woeful on all areas, not just academics. We felt like we were winging it through most of the primary years, grabbing bursaries here and there, skipping holidays, compromising on where we lived and the size of our house etc. But at least we knew we were doing our best for our kids. Now it the state system, it feels like whole generations of kids are being let down. If you can. DO IT.

To give you some context here, DH and I earn 150k between us and after a bit of heart searching decided we would rather put the money toward DS’ house deposit than pay school fees from primary. Just imagine 12k per year from 4 ‘till 11 is 84k. If you continue beyond this then it’s another 84-100k. If you invested that money regularly you’d be looking at at least a 2-4% growth over 18 years even with a low growth forecast.

I come from an Indian background. One of the reasons why we tend to do well in the UK State School system as opposed to other backgrounds is because many of us are used to paying for extras. Private tutition, private sports clubs, language / music / dance lessons, girl guides. And all of those extras won’t cost as much as private school and yet will have all the same benefits. Nowadays you can even find Outstanding state schools in Indian areas where the networking is superior to private schools. And yet many white British people see an all-Indian area and don’t even bother to research the schools.

I think that definitely needs to be factored into the "is it worth it?" thought process.

A child who is 3 today is realistically not going to be able to buy their own house without getting a really really well paid job or plenty of financial help from family.

My observation looking round at a range of adults I know is that receiving financial support has adults has made way more difference to most of them than the type of school they went to.

(I've used house deposits as an example; but substitute money for university/training/setting up own business etc etc as wanted)

I would just be aware that in year places come up, so moving her to a more desirable state primary would be an option. And also personally I found it so hard to choose a school when mine was 4, ended up moving him in year 1 anyway as he was unhappy, this is a big commitment to make to pay for her primary education based on not very much information.

I wouldn't do it: Those on full bursaries to public schools can't join in and can be (unintentionally) made to feel terrible. Some will notice the second hand blazers/sports kit etc. Their friends will be talking about trips to Kenya, Borneo and sking trips to Canada. Unless they are pretty hardy and bullish all these things can impact them.

I agree with the pp that say that you can replicate everything except the networking of city type jobs though well selected out of school activities - sports, music, drama, dance most of which will be better if selected specially for your child.

I went to an average (top 100) private school, decent academics, ok extra curriculars (other than good music opportunities if you got good enough) basically no networking.

My DC won't be going private but will get any private tutoring required plus sport and music outside school - assuming they want it.

God, no! The math doesn't work and there are too many uncertainties.