Private school on relatively low income

[mummynoodle]

(This is not just another private v state debate - I've read many and don't think we need another!)

I'm wondering if anyone who has sent their DC(s) to private school (particularly prep/pre-prep, less so secondary) on a low/average salary can talk to me about their experiences?

DD is almost 4, so will be starting Reception in September. We have been looking at both state and indie schools, and we are very heavily leaning towards a pre-prep/prep school that we really love the look of. We're not keen on our state options, don't really feel like they suit DD and have only really liked one after visiting them which we feel she is unlikely to be offered a place as it is small (15 places offered) in a large town and we are not particularly close geographically.

We've spent hours going over the fees, the extra costs, every pro and con you can think of. We've factored in the increasing costs each year, lots of new uniform as she grows, sports equipments, music instruments etc. We can afford the private school but equally we are aware it is a lot of money to spend on our income (£25-30k each). For full transparency, we are separated and the plan is for myself and exDP to pay 45% each and my parents to pay 10%. We started putting money aside in Aug/Sept and have the first term's fees saved. We will not enrol her in the private school without at least one year's fees saved in advance as feel it would be silly to do so without a buffer to be kept in case of emergencies.

If you sent your DC to private school on an average salary, do you feel like you made the right decision? Did they stay in private education? What did you/your DC miss out on because you couldn't afford it?

@mummynoodle I say do it. Education is the best investment you can give your child. A house, a car, money etc can be taken away. But not a a good education, that can never be taken away.

Given that your parents were born in the 70s I’m assuming you are young. Do it and use it as a way to motivate yourself to earn more money. Make sure you’re working hard, aiming for promotions, on the look out for better paying jobs etc.

So do it :) The same goals, dreams, ambitions you have for your child should be applied to yourself. Send her to the school and in the meantime improve your job prospects. Say you’re on 30k now, in two years aim for 40k. Take up cheap courses on coursera (or learn skills on YouTube if you just) and constantly develop yourself to improve your financial situation and consequently your child’s future.

I, personally, can’t think of a better investment than a child’s education :)

I don't think you can afford it in the longer term.

Just read your post about moving to a better area - yes it will cost you money short term but you'll accrue much better value in the long run. The house is an investment that can both MAKE you money and SAVE you money. Unlike school fees which just spend your money.
No brainier surely?
If your parents are willing to help ask them for a bridging loan to move to a better area.

Agree @Schlaar.

I think it's odd that your DD is only 4 why do you feel she would not be suited to your local school? Do you plan just to have 1 child OP? Same for your ex.

I think you would be better off saving and then discussing again at the end of primary school. There's no guarantees your ex will pay.... so would you just get the school fees? What about general child maintenance?

I wouldn't, because I would rather my child was average / above average income in a state school than the poor child at a private school.

I also think there's a good chance this arrangement will break down in the future re fees. What if your ex has a child with someone else and can no longer afford the fees?

I am not trying to ask if other people think I can afford to send her there/should on my salary.

You're not asking this but it's pretty important part of the situation because unfortunately, the answer is no. There's no point wondering if she'll feel left out or struggle to make friends, because you can't afford to send her in the first place.

I don't mean this unkindly Op but please reconsider. It would be much worse for your DD to attend this school for a year or 2 and then have to move because circumstances have changed, and one or more parts of those paying the fees can no longer continue to do so.

I'm also surprised that the school have said they can't feed her. You've only been to look around, so it's very early on to be given such a blunt answer. We've had some pretty complex children, in terms of dietry requirements, and have always managed to cater for their needs.

I don't have experience of private schools but I am pleased to tell you that my clever, studious 15 year old ended up at the lowest performing school in our town.

He is doing so well and I think he'd have found private school very intense. He likes to make his own choices and form his own opinions and I think there is a huge value in learning alongside your community.

At my son's school there are very few pupils who come from money and my son feels more comfortable with being around people like him.

You isolated one part of my much longer, considered post.

You seem very certain in your partner’s equal commitment to your daughter’s fees. I hope you’re right.

I doubt OP would be able to afford the extra curriculars if 45% of both her and her ex’s salaries are going on fees.

You must be bonkers.

Couple of years down the line when your ex meets someone, then there's a baby, then boom, oh so sorry, I can't afford it any more. Then you'll have to rip your DD out of a school she'll probably love. It could happen at any time, without notice.

It's short-sighted bordering on irresponsible. Pull your head out of the sand.

Two things spring to mind. One positive, one negative.

Positive - you would very likely qualify for a means tested bursary based on income levels. Note that’s not the same as a scholarship. Get in touch with the school asap and ask about that.

Negative - based on GPs being born in 70s, I’d guess ex is quite young. What he’s happy to do now vs when he has a second family, which is almost inevitable given age unless he’s a lot older than you, is a concern. I’d be wanting to be sure you can pay fees without his contribution. Hence pushing the bursary route.

Oh and extra curriculars are a big thing. There’s a lot that’s free but paid things that everyone does is about another 25% on top.

@Mikogirl i think you’ll find the biggest investment you can give your child is love and your time. A private school education but a mum working 24/7 chasing the next big promotion, doesn’t sound like living the dream to me. There’s (much much) more to life than big careers and money.

Of course there will be love. As a working mum “chasing a career”, my daughter still gets plenty of quality time from me.

I think there’s other things to consider here, eg if OP has potential to earn more £, if there’s potential for financial circumstances to improve.

My point and belief is education is an investment in itself, but that doesn’t mean if you are a hardworking working mum your child doesn’t get attention from you. Quite a discriminatory view of working so called high flying mothers.

A single mum wanting what she percieves as the best education isn't love??

My Mum and Dad worked like a dogs for us (six in the family) , believe me I felt love.

Really interesting thread. We are considering private for our younger child from Y7, but are still very cautious due to the financial commitment. Our joint salary is more than double the OPs and her ex, but still not sure we can afford it. And I also do worry about us being the 'poor relations', despite having a relatively high income.

DH comes from a family of boarders and was v keen on private schools, BUT has had his eyes opened by our local state schools, which are high performing with good standard of teaching despite bigger class sizes. We are also live in a relatively affluent area, with lots of professional people. I do accept that if you live in area with less good primaries it could be a cause for concern, but I suggest that many may be better than their reports suggest.

Our DD is at a state secondary and doing really well. She has no desire to go private and I think she'll do well wherever. DS though is a different proposition and think would benefit from smaller class sizes. And this is the reason we are considering private.

One of the standout memories I have of DH's parents is his mum calling up the boarding school, years ago, and giving the headteacher, or bursar or whatever he was, a proper going over because DHs youngest brother was not performing. And when you've spent thousands and thousands of pounds at a school I guess you have that leverage. 😵‍💫

I don't have the answers, OP, but as countless others on here have said, I think it might be a stretch for you, and possibly less beneficial at primary than you envisage.

Depends on the issues with state primaries and the reasons why they do not suite OP's DD.
I personally know at least three families where children went to private primaries and grammars or other state secondaries.
Two families moved children from state primary to private. In one family parents discovered that their child did not learn anything over few months in state Reception. Another family moved twins because of bullying.
It is annoying that you pay for your child's education via taxes but then discover that you have to pay for private primary because good schools won't accept you child on religious grounds or an outstanding one has very rough parents hanging in front of its gates.
My DS will go to a small private primary because he is summer born, short for his age, emotionally not mature enough but academically ahead of his age.
I did not want to end up withdrawing DS from Reception and deferring start of the school because he would not settle in a large state primary.

Hi OP.

Start a conversation with the school bursar to see what if any financial assistance might be possible. A huge amount of money is available for low income children to attend private school but it depends on the exact schools in your area.

Many people are telling you that private education is more important at secondary level. This is untrue. By their teenage years, your child is either confident or timid, enthusiastic or a naysayer, etc. Character is formed very young and a bad primary school can crush confidence and academic interest out a child very fast. I moved my DC from a shit state primary to a great prep in year 3, and it took years for my DC to catch up with their classmates in confidence, articulation, and sports.

I would suggest private school up to age 11 then a grammar school if you can find one is best. Certainly way better than a state primary then private secondary.

(I’m sure some state primary schools are wonderful. Unfortunately not near me.)

Another option is to move house to be near a fabulous primary school. One of my friends rented out her home, and the moved into rented accommodation near the school she wanted. She’s been renting there 3 yrs now and plans to move back to her original house soon.

yes, my wealthy friends all choose to live in a very good school area!
I think this is very smart to do so.

Me? no, my next-door school is very very very bad. hope my DC don't fall in that school, but if do, private schools are still not my option. I mean, can't afford mean can't afford.

Our local state schools were really struggling so we had to decide whether to move house (away from a community and home we LOVED) or pay to go private. I have three children ranging from 8-15. We decided to move and although our new house is fine rather than perfect, and I miss our old neighbors, it was the best decision we ever made.

Purely in terms of the finances, it makes much more sense to move to the catchment of a decent state school, as your investment will pay off when you go to sell and there's another family happy to pay the premium for the great catchment area. By pouring your resources into tuition fees, you're making a massive gamble that a) you'll feel that the financial constraints were worth it; and b) you can maintain your income level and relationships with parents and exes to facilitate the continued payment of fees.

I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I'd taken a punt on the private school.

What if they had moved into a “good school area” almost 20 years ago and then due to various factors the “good” school was now a very “bad” school?
We worked out that it was cheaper for us to go Private rather than move house

By “good” school they mean the educated middle class kids go there. If your child’s school is full of the children of doctors /lawyers and business owners it stays a “good” school.

Also if your DD realises that you made lots of sacrifices to just go to a school (and missed out on fun expensive stuff) you can breed stress about having the right career afterwards (parental pressure) or resentment of your choices.

If your income is largely tied up with school fees, then it will be school or extra curriculars - and I'd choose those at least at primary.

People with big careers often have big flexibility. I am senior in my position, almost entirely home based, and spend more quality time with DS because I have a cleaner / gardener etc so can focus on him. I still don’t feel like Private Primary School is a good use of money

That’s true but being in it’s catchment 20/15/5 years ago doesn’t mean you will be when it’s time for your child to go. We were comfortably in catchment for a “good” State Secondary until over 1000 houses were built closer to the school than we were