Private school on relatively low income

[mummynoodle]

(This is not just another private v state debate - I've read many and don't think we need another!)

I'm wondering if anyone who has sent their DC(s) to private school (particularly prep/pre-prep, less so secondary) on a low/average salary can talk to me about their experiences?

DD is almost 4, so will be starting Reception in September. We have been looking at both state and indie schools, and we are very heavily leaning towards a pre-prep/prep school that we really love the look of. We're not keen on our state options, don't really feel like they suit DD and have only really liked one after visiting them which we feel she is unlikely to be offered a place as it is small (15 places offered) in a large town and we are not particularly close geographically.

We've spent hours going over the fees, the extra costs, every pro and con you can think of. We've factored in the increasing costs each year, lots of new uniform as she grows, sports equipments, music instruments etc. We can afford the private school but equally we are aware it is a lot of money to spend on our income (£25-30k each). For full transparency, we are separated and the plan is for myself and exDP to pay 45% each and my parents to pay 10%. We started putting money aside in Aug/Sept and have the first term's fees saved. We will not enrol her in the private school without at least one year's fees saved in advance as feel it would be silly to do so without a buffer to be kept in case of emergencies.

If you sent your DC to private school on an average salary, do you feel like you made the right decision? Did they stay in private education? What did you/your DC miss out on because you couldn't afford it?

For those saying you can replicate the experience of private by topping up with outside activities, really? You MIGHT get comparable grades with extra tuition. OR a few extra achievements. But there's no way you can equal all the things a private school offers (and negate all the bad things about state school too). Because guess what, private school kids are doing extra activities outside of school AS WELL. Some are doing 2/3 activities a night and at weekends. And tutoring! YES, lots of private school kids getting tutored on top of regular school too. So it's pointless to measure on these terms. It's not just about how good private is. It's also about how BAD state is.

It comes down to culture for me. No amount of after school activities can outweigh the crap learning culture, poor relationships (with burnt out teachers), low aspirations, poor attitudes, uninspiring surroundings and general lack of joy that comes with 6 hours a day of state school. That stuff seeps into your bones. And it's depressing.

That's a huge generalisation @yourenotmyrealdad

The generalisations on this thread are almost cartoon like.

One poster read into the OP's question this: "Is there also a sense of status attached to this aim? Having a little girl in a boater and wool blazer in the doorstep photo graph instead of one in a polyester dress and cardigan".

Can you get more patronising ?

This! I don’t know a single child in any of my 3 DCs classes (private) that don’t have at least 2 extra curricular activity.
It really cannot be compared.

Also bear in mind a lot of private schools aren’t actually that good. There’s one by me that tells a good story but its exam results are only very slightly above the local state school. Yet it’s £20k a year. Plus uniform. Plus lunches.

I work with lots of people that went to private school and we all do the same jobs (I didn’t go). I’m not saying if I could afford it that I wouldn’t send my daughter but I certainly wouldn’t scrape and ruin my life to do it. I agree with other posters that have a parent/s interested in education and giving life experiences is the most important aspect.

2-3 activities a night and extra tuition. Doesn’t sound like much of a childhood to me….poor things

For those saying you can replicate the experience of private by topping up with outside activities, really? You MIGHT get comparable grades with extra tuition. OR a few extra achievements. But there's no way you can equal all the things a private school offers (and negate all the bad things about state school too). Because guess what, private school kids are doing extra activities outside of school AS WELL. Some are doing 2/3 activities a night and at weekends. And tutoring! YES, lots of private school kids getting tutored on top of regular school too. So it's pointless to measure on these terms. It's not just about how good private is. It's also about how BAD state is.

Honestly - and I say this as a private school parent myself - this highlights very well one of the huge downsides of private schools. The hothousing. The competitive parenting of sometimes precocious, but often also rather obnoxious, kids. (Not everyone is like that, any more than kids at state schools are all from deprived backgrounds. But it’s there, especially at the academically selective schools.). My DDs have all this stuff: music lessons, LAMDA, clubs etc. But what really matters in life is being able to learn. To think critically and to think for yourself. To know what you’re good at and what you’re not. And, ultimately, I think most schools (private or not) fail at this; private schools just spend a fuck of a lot of money on astroturf and offer a peripatetic tuba teacher and a lacrosse squad. Having grade 5 cello isn’t some magic talisman.

(Someone is going to come back to tell me that their school offers a wonderful co-curricular programme where they focus on current affairs and broadening the kids’ knowledge. My DD’s school does this. My DD is actually interested in politics, so we talk about it a lot at home, but various magazines, listen to the news etc. She comes home genuinely aghast at how sketchy her teacher’s knowledge is of this sort of thing. It’s really not all that….)

I love to, but I wouldn't. cause I can't afford it.
I won't forego everything for it.
I won't scrimp on everything else just for the school fee.
that is not worth it.

Most of my friends around me are quite wealthy.
And they don't send their children to private schools.
They mostly live in a 700-800K house or cash buy a house.

every time when I have thought about "letting my kids to private schools", this comes to cross my mind, and I think, they don't even do it, why would I, this thought is very silly!!

have you actually costed the whole journey from reception through to A levels? people forget the costs ramp up significantly as the child gets older so you may be better saving up for when they are more likely to actually need more intensive learning ie. when your child is older...if money is tight is it really necessary to pay now for private? is private for reception/early primary really necessary when most parents are fully capable of supporting their child's learning at this stage? Also are you both ruling out having any further children? it can be difficult being in the private system and having to take them out because you can no longer afford it.

@LimeBasiandlMandarin if private school kids already do this many activities during school, is there really any need for two or three activities outside school? When do they get time to just chill and do nothing? Maybe get bored and do a few things for themselves?

I've sent all of my children to private school from nursery through to sixth form.
Try to only listen to people who are talking from a position of knowledge about current private schools. There is a lot of prejudice and a lot of outdated ideas.

I'd actually say the opposite of others. Send them private from as early as possible because if you leave it till 11 they risk not fitting in.

You could gamble that your salaries will increase over time, and take the pressure off.

If the gamble doesn't pay off and you can't afford it, then you can do what several families I know have done - obviously they always wanted to live in the countryside/Orkney/the Outer Hebrides and the local school there is so good ;)

Are before and after school clubs included in these school fees then? That's not usually the case. When we looked into private schools, the before and after school clubs are a lot more expensive. You had to pay (a lot) for extracurricular classes as well, or is the plan that she would just stop these? Even uniform is a lot more expensive at private school.

Really, it is how you perform at secondary school that influences your future life much more so than primary school.
If you saved school fees from now until she is 11, you'd have enough for her secondary education and still be able to afford all those luxuries that you're worried will make her stand out from her friends.

I imagine that you and your wealthy friends might feel differently if the State option was very bad.
I wish we hadn’t had to pay for Private, it shouldn’t be necessary, but since we were able to we felt it was wrong to send our DC to a school that even people who worked there told us to avoid

Mine fitted right in in Y7
If that’s not the case it’s not the right school for them

Private school mum here- I would say on your joint income and with those circumstances you are bonkers to even consider it. Our income is well into six figures and we have the lovely big house etc, but believe me- we are poor in comparison to the vast majority of other parents.

If I were you I would look at moving to an area with better state schools.

What you are proposing just sounds too difficult.

@LimeBasiandlMandarin you seem to be letting your bad experience of one state school extrapolate to the whole sector. There are plenty of excellent (or even just "good" state schools where none of the things you describe exist.

There are also private school children who aren't tutored and don't do activities out of school. Your experience is not everyone's.

DH is a high earner and I'm a low earner. We looked at private briefly but decided that we'd rather offer the DC extracurricular activities such as holidays, music lessons etc. We are fortunate to have excellent state schools locally.

You sound absolutely determined to do it and dismissive of anyone who suggests it's not feasible. You are determined that you can stretch it. And maybe you can. But what happens if you have another child. You absolutely cannot afford to send two private on that salary. So what do you do then? Make your older one change schools or explain to the younger one that they don't get the same opportunity? Same goes if your ex has another.

I'm also wondering about sustainability. I'm guess that you have to pay 1k of a 2k income on the school fees by the time they are in secondary or before?

Can you really live off 1k? Paying rent or mortgage and bills, food, clothing, transport? Children can be expensive. They can need new shoes every few months apart from anything else!

Taking her out of school because you just can't afford it any more would be highly disruptive.

Or do you have savings? In which case it's not about average income?

My exDH and I agreed to send our DS private. He agreed and was happy to pay. He then met someone else and decided he didn't want to pay anymore. Unfortunately it does happen 😕

Honestly I would hold fire. My dd is at private primary but that's because she has educational needs and was struggling in the state class of 30. We would never have moved her otherwise.
I earn c. £100k and her father puts a bit in and it's a struggle. And it increases come senior school.
If your child can go to state they will do just as well in all probability. Once you're on the private train it is very hard to get off....

Have to agree on this perspective on primary.

I went to private school and there was a big difference between those who had been there from reception and those who joined at 11+.

It is a huge amount of money and I understand why people do secondary only, but I don't agree that primary is a "waste of money" as many here are saying.

Personally, I would love to send mine private all the way through, from reception, but I'm pretty sure we can't afford it. We earn more than you and private around here costs in the region of £16k per annum. We do have more than one kid though.

It's still a number of years away so I don't know if we will send them at 11+.

I would like to, but have all the same reservations that you have.

Ultimately I agree with pp on here that the money would be better spent on holidays, hobbies, extra-curriculars, and less pressure to work so more time spent at home with them, so that is probably what we will do.

Thank you for all of your responses! I will try to clarify some things!

You sound absolutely determined to do it and dismissive of anyone who suggests it's not feasible. You are determined that you can stretch it.

I can completely understand how I may be coming off as being dismissive - but that’s because I am not trying to ask if other people think I can afford to send her there/should on my salary. That wasn’t my question! I was looking for other people who had sent their children on lower incomes who could clarify whether DD would feel left out/not good enough and struggle to make friends. I thought I had made this clear in the OP, but apologies if I didn’t!

Yes, I know that it may seem silly on our salaries, but we do not wish to consider our local state school as an option. They can’t even feed her for goodness sake, as they said that her dietary requirements were too difficult! We will be applying for other state schools to see where she gets into, but geography is not on our side and we’re quite sure we know where she will end up.

Is there also a sense of status attached to this aim? Having a little girl in a boater and wool blazer in the doorstep photo graph instead of one in a polyester dress and cardigan?

Oh gosh, I think I’ve been caught out. Yes. I want to spend all of this money just so that DD has a slightly nicer school uniform. How did you know?!

🤦🏼‍♀️

You clarified that bit of my post. But not my question about subsequent children...

What is so bad about the state primary options?
If you can just about afford primary, you won't be able to afford secondary.
A smarter move would be to spend 7 years saving for secondary if you're keen on private option. Better return on investment. In reception you'll be paying a lot of money for them to be playing in the sand like their state school peers..... which is OK if you can easily afford.