Private school on relatively low income

[mummynoodle]

(This is not just another private v state debate - I've read many and don't think we need another!)

I'm wondering if anyone who has sent their DC(s) to private school (particularly prep/pre-prep, less so secondary) on a low/average salary can talk to me about their experiences?

DD is almost 4, so will be starting Reception in September. We have been looking at both state and indie schools, and we are very heavily leaning towards a pre-prep/prep school that we really love the look of. We're not keen on our state options, don't really feel like they suit DD and have only really liked one after visiting them which we feel she is unlikely to be offered a place as it is small (15 places offered) in a large town and we are not particularly close geographically.

We've spent hours going over the fees, the extra costs, every pro and con you can think of. We've factored in the increasing costs each year, lots of new uniform as she grows, sports equipments, music instruments etc. We can afford the private school but equally we are aware it is a lot of money to spend on our income (£25-30k each). For full transparency, we are separated and the plan is for myself and exDP to pay 45% each and my parents to pay 10%. We started putting money aside in Aug/Sept and have the first term's fees saved. We will not enrol her in the private school without at least one year's fees saved in advance as feel it would be silly to do so without a buffer to be kept in case of emergencies.

If you sent your DC to private school on an average salary, do you feel like you made the right decision? Did they stay in private education? What did you/your DC miss out on because you couldn't afford it?

I think it’s unrealistic to expect to pay school fees from day to day earned salaries. Honestly, most people at private school will have either support from wealthy relatives (and I mean significant support, not just 10%) or a decent fund of money put aside (I’m talking min £100k) I’m not saying it’s impossible to do otherwise but it’s such a risk! Are you really willing to put your DD through a possible change of school further down the line. Although you say it would be more expensive to move areas at least you would then we paying your mortgage on a capital asset- at the end of the day you’d have a more valuable house?

Sorry- I should have added that the third option is a significant bursary, but that’s unusual at primary level.

I’ve never heard of primary/prep bursaries. I do know of one educational charity whose I’ll contribute to the final terms fees of a prep if a parent is significantly struggling. But that’s it.

It doesn’t sound like OP is in a situation where she needs a bursary anyway

@YomAsalYomBasal Thank you for sharing! This is very much my thought process - once I've paid for breakfast and after school clubs (or possibly a childminder as I start work long before the breakfast clubs start!), things like ballet/gymnastics/swimming etc there really isn't a huge difference between that and the private school fees!

I see families making huge sacrifices to send their children to prep school - I am a Head of one.

This seems very tight on your income and I’m not sure it would warrant this level of sacrifice for me.

if you need before and after school care you may find you have childcare costs and lunch costs which may offset some of it.

on another note DH and I were born in the 70s and our daughter is in Reception so I feel really old reading your parents are the same age. 🤣🤣🤣

I wouldn’t do it. If I did, I think a good prep class s just and good, if not better than a private secondary school as it lays the foundations of confident children, which in this world means a great deal.

I often think the advice here to just wait and send them to private in year 3 or later is dangerous depending on the area. Certainly where we are it's unlikely you'd get a place between 5 and 11 at the best private schools and you'd have to tutor very heavily for the 11 plus for years in advance because that's what everyone else does, so being naturally bright isn't enough.

I know everyone always says there are loads of ordinary families at private schools who scrimp and save but talking to my friends who send their DC private those families seem few and far between. And it’s not like you can instruct your children to only befriend the poor people! My friends all joke their DCs have an innate ability to become best friends with people who have helicopters, yachts and 4 houses LOL. Depending on your child’s personality it can cause real issues when they feel inferior to their friends. And personally I want my kids’ feet firmly on the ground, realising that living in a pleasant home with enough food, nice holidays and a decent if not flash car makes them incredibly fortunate.

I thought the school decides if you can afford it? That is how it works here. You can apply (fee to apply) they look at your finances and could turn you down. They don't want people to move halfway through schooling. You may think you can afford it bit they may think otherwise

So basically, your joint income is 60K and you get 10% reduction in fees from DC's grandparents?

We didn't have the grandparents help and we sent DC at reception private, on that income level.

We thought, if you wait for year 3 for 7+ entry, that's when all the middle class parents who use outstanding primary schools as free pre-preps join the mix and your DC will be competing with their offspring. You also have parents moving their DC around from pre-preps at 7+.

At 4+ the field is a bit clearer. By Year 3, your child (in any decent prep school) will be about 1 to 2 years ahead of state primary, if they are very bright, the school will accelerate their learning, so the 'value' is right there already.

These years are vital (4 to 11) and small classes, close attention from teaching staff, opportunities with a wide range of music, sport and lots and lots of school trips are so invaluable.
Yes, it will be hard, yes you’ll have to juggle things big time, yes most people will think you are mad.

Sending them to pre-prep at 4+ gives you options. ALL prep schools will have children whose parents are scrimping and saving, between now and 11+ who knows what your financial situation will be, but you're in the game so to speak. It also means your much more likely to get them into a grammar after years of prep school.

I know one set of parents at my DC’s school, dad has 2 jobs and mum had 2 to cover fees and keep a roof over their heads. Many will say they are mad, others like me would say tenacious. You can hope for bursaries and scholarship, but you have to assume that help wont come and come up with a plan - it sounds like you're doing that.

I won’t lie, sending DC private on a modest income , its really tough, and not for most parents, but it provides a strong example for your kids, they'll never forget, and it teaches them that with sheer gumption and insane hard work you can do anything in this life.

We had to move DC out of private to state primary due to unforeseen circumstances- at that point I found that the state school was now BETTER for them than the private one.

But while there, there was a big mix of families, some very wealthy and "spendy ", some wealthy but quite frugal, others on very strict budgets. I try ink it depends on the type of private school.

But - and this is a big but - there were LOADS of additional expenses we had no way of knowing about before. Author visiting school and signing copies of books? Fee for book. Excursion? Fee. Activity on school grounds? Fee. Special lunch? Fee. Etc, etc, etc.....

THIS.

I'm one of them.

Mumsnet world thinks 60K is a paupers income. The top preps in London may cost around 20K+, but plenty of brilliant prep schools in London outer suburbs are much cheaper than that, less than 12K a year.

On 60K prep is affordable with those sort of fees, the problem is senior school fees, but the OP can apply for grammar and scholarships/bursaries, obviously if the only offer is from a top private senior school no scholarship, bursary and fees are 25K, the DC cannot attend.

Saving for senior school on a modest salary isn't do-able when its going to cost you 100K just to get you from Y11

Although this isn’t one household with two adults pulling in £60k. The £60k has to support two households. At the moment I assume the dad is single - that mighty change.

so two mortgages, two sets of utility bills, two cars etc etc. that make a big difference.

If your parents were born in the 70’s I’m assuming you’re in your twenties? We put our eldest into an independent school in our mid twenties. We were just starting out with a new business & things were going ok. We were only having one child & could manage. It was late 2009 & Fees were 6.5k a year.
We now have four children & Fees at reception point are 13k. You are very young and your circumstances will very like change.

We have seen many families come and go because the commitment is immense. Lots move to state & are much happier when they do. Blazers are £80 in one size & £100 in the next. It’s always something & you can never really put a stable figure on it.

Holidays are very long too. 9 or 10 weeks in summer. That’s a lot of childcare to pay for & a lot of time to fill if you can’t go on holiday for weeks at a time like other families.

I would really really think about it. I personally wouldn’t if we had to massively sacrifice elsewhere. There is so much you could do with the money.Reception to year 2 is infants and will be lovely anywhere you go. That’s a good few years to see how it goes and reassess.

@LolaSmiles I can't imagine we're the first parents who have been offered help from grandparents in paying school fees!
Of course you're not, but there's a big difference between a single household on slightly higher salaries than you with some help from grandparents, and two adults living separately on your salaries, running two households and then grandparent contributions.

With the cost of living increasing you and your ex will have not very much at the end of the month or float for urgent spending (eg boiler breaks, car has a bad MOT).

It's probably doable for you if the cost of living doesn't go too high and neither your or your ex enter new relationships/have further children, but it is tight.

I’d really try and just go for secondary. You could then save a few years’ fees as a buffer. Can a bad primary be that bad?

This depends how competitive entry is - you find out number of places and applicants and each year (roughly) and get her in before it gets tricky.

At our private school, I do not know of a single parent with a helicopter, or 4 houses, or a yacht. The ordinary families are by far the norm. There are some obviously wealthier, but no super rich people at all that I know of. It just depends on the school.

I think it's a really bad idea, but I get the sense from your posts that you already have your heart set on it and that you are just looking for confirmation of your choice. As many people have said it isn't worth it for early years and year 1 and 2. Most primary schools can provide a good experience in the early years where learning is play based and where a good, involved parent is also working to help their child with regular reading at home. You have undoubtedly been sold an attractive environment, small classes and no oinks package. This is all lovely, but you will need to count the pennies to pay for it. If you and your ex have more children or have other commitments in the years to come, it will come under pressure. Likewise, more grandkids or care costs could mean that 10% is needed elsewhere. I think that any parent who looks round private and state is going to see a lot that they like in a private school. Most don't look round as they know they don't have the salary. Unless your dd has special needs, I would save any spare cash for tutoring / extra curricular activities when she is older.

I'd aim for senior only. Im on 60k (also divorced) so pay half of dds fees. But senior fees are £5k per term and I pay half that. I've not found the add ons to be much. I've resigned myself to no savings being accumulated over the next 5 years but then I'll hopefully have 7.5k a year that I'm used to not spending. We don't live in a fancy area but I certain feel my daughter fits in with the general population well at her school, and there is little or no looking down on others.

I went to a private school and my parents really couldn't afford it. They actually could when I started but then they had a change in circumstances due to illness and their income fell drastically. It was a pretty miserable experience for me. My parents couldn't afford for me to do any of the extracurricular activities and I was relentlessly mocked and bullied for being "poor". I was made to feel like a third-class citizen simply because my parents didn't earn as much as those of the majority of the other pupils. Think long and hard before you subject your DD to years of being treated as an outsider. I'd consider using the money instead on things like tutoring and value-adding experiences/activities.

So I have experience of this, but for secondary school. I was very ahead of the class in terms of academic achievement in my state primary, and was also bullied there. My parents, with the help of the assisted places scheme and my grandparents scraped together to send me to private secondary school. In terms of friendships and happiness there it was the making of me and I loved it generally. However, I was very aware of wealth and sometimes felt a bit ashamed of my house. Think all my friends lived in huge 5 bed houses in posh areas and I was in a 3 bed semi in a not posh area! So not poor by any means but I was very aware of the disparity and went through a phase where it used to bother me a lot. Because of that, I was never in with the ‘cool’ girls at school, but it didn’t matter as I still found some fab friends there, some of which I’m still friends with now. I do remember a couple of cruel comments by girls about my small house as well! Overall it was a good experience and I did well as I was very academic and managed to get good exam results so ‘fitted in’ that way, but there is that to bear in mind. The private school I went to was more academically focused and not one of the really ‘posh’ ones. If you go to a very posh public boarding school type place the issue around wealth and feeling left out, change you’ll come up against snobs is even greater. Hope that makes sense!

I would be careful. As PPs have said, I would atleast wait until secondary. Have you countered in the price of fees rocketing? The price of trips and extras that in secondary they would feel left out if they missed? If you wanted to do it I would personally spend primary saving then just do it for secondary.

I really don’t see how your income will allow this. Not to belittle it but it’s very meagre when you consider fees can be £3k a term, increasing with each academic year. E
And it’s especially shaky as you’re not with the father of your child.

What happens if he moves on and has a new family, and following pressure from his partner about their money being spent on sending only one of his kids to private school, he then withdraws his half in the interest of fairness to his other children? This is only one example but you seem to have a fairy blind faith in his continued support.

Is there also a sense of status attached to this aim? Having a little girl in a boater and wool blazer in the doorstep photo graph instead of one in a polyester dress and cardigan? That sounds rude but I know of two families who massively stretched themselves for that reason, and had to pull the kids out when they realised what they’d done.

I think, unless you can borrow/have a lump sum from your parents and pay the entirety of the prep school fees in one go, just to create security for your kid, and then spend the time she’s there going without, saving and career progressing in order to afford the secondary level, then you’d be absolutely mad.

I’d move. A house near better schools would probably be a good investment anyway.

If you have a decent State Primary option save Private for Secondary.
At the Private schools I have experience of it’s not so much that there are huge wealth gaps because the kids generally don’t care BUT it sounds like it would be a stretch for you and if your Ex changed his mind or Parents couldn’t contribute you would have to pull your child out of school and if you did you might be limited on the State places available to you

It will be extremely tight on those figures. I would strongly advise to wait till secondary school and save up for fees in the meantime. If you absolutely must send them to the prep, go with state till 8 and save to have a couple of years worth of fees under your belt.