Private school on relatively low income

[mummynoodle]

(This is not just another private v state debate - I've read many and don't think we need another!)

I'm wondering if anyone who has sent their DC(s) to private school (particularly prep/pre-prep, less so secondary) on a low/average salary can talk to me about their experiences?

DD is almost 4, so will be starting Reception in September. We have been looking at both state and indie schools, and we are very heavily leaning towards a pre-prep/prep school that we really love the look of. We're not keen on our state options, don't really feel like they suit DD and have only really liked one after visiting them which we feel she is unlikely to be offered a place as it is small (15 places offered) in a large town and we are not particularly close geographically.

We've spent hours going over the fees, the extra costs, every pro and con you can think of. We've factored in the increasing costs each year, lots of new uniform as she grows, sports equipments, music instruments etc. We can afford the private school but equally we are aware it is a lot of money to spend on our income (£25-30k each). For full transparency, we are separated and the plan is for myself and exDP to pay 45% each and my parents to pay 10%. We started putting money aside in Aug/Sept and have the first term's fees saved. We will not enrol her in the private school without at least one year's fees saved in advance as feel it would be silly to do so without a buffer to be kept in case of emergencies.

If you sent your DC to private school on an average salary, do you feel like you made the right decision? Did they stay in private education? What did you/your DC miss out on because you couldn't afford it?

Not every man goes onto having more kids if theyve already made commitments to their existing child.... I don't think my ex is an anomaly in that he commited to doing the best for DD and has done.

Not every man goes onto having more kids if theyve already made commitments to their existing child.... I don't think my ex is an anomaly in that he commited to doing the best for DD and has done

If course not every man does. But many, many do and you, as the ex, has no say in that.

Only a fool would put so much faith in their ex that they won't have future dc that they make long term plans based on that fact.

Not every man goes onto having more kids if theyve already made commitments to their existing child....

I think you are deliberately misinterpreting my posts. I didn’t say it was guaranteed that either parent would have more children. I said it was a possibility. A possibility OP should think through now.

you and your ex have both stayed committed to covering school fees and that is fantastic. Neither of you have remarried someone who has been allowed to question this financial commitment. Additional children haven’t come along which has put a strain on affordability.

running two households is expensive and finances are tight. All people are saying is OP should think about the what ifs and chat them through with her ex.

Currently there is a child who the OP can give a great opportunity to. Why would you put the needs of children who potentially will never exist over one you have now?

In terms of the comment that neither of us have met a partner who questions our financial commitments to school fees, if someone came along who didn't respect my decision on how to spend my money on my child, I wouldn't be with that person very long.

Again you are being selective about how you interpret comments! I said no partner has been allowed to question the commitment.

you are trying to start a fight and no one else is playing😂.

all people are saying is talk through with the ex partner what happens if new partners and more children come along.

would I marry someone who lived a very restrictive life in order to pay school fees? If it meant I had to wait her significantly lower my standard of living or subsidise them then no I wouldn’t. New partners and more children might not be on the cards for either. But it’s good to air this stuff now before commitments are made.

Currently there is a child who the OP can give a great opportunity to. Why would you put the needs of children who potentially will never exist over one you have now?

That's not what I said. I said Only a fool would put so much faith in their ex that they won't have future dc that they make long term plans based on that fact.

Considering the tight margins here, it doesn't take a genius to surmise that with another child to support, the ex would be unlikely to be able to continue to pay the same towards the fees. That would mean removing the child from school.

Failing to consider the very realistic possibility of the ex meeting someone in future and that you'll have to rip your child out of their school as you can't afford it, is what makes the op a fool.

Things change, yes. Shit happens, you can't plan for everything. BUT a responsible parent doesn't start their dc in a paid for activity - whether that's private schooling or horse riding lessons or a local tennis club - unless they're fairly sure they can maintain the costs.

The op isn't sure, there's no way she can be. She's keeping her fingers crossed and ploughing ahead whilst singing LA LA LA and hoping her ex is happy to keep paying.

She's setting off down this path knowingly - it's foolish, naiive and very unfair on the child.

People put faith in relationships all the time. Even if you’re married with a household income of 200k, your husband can leave you for another woman and start a new family. You can get an illness and lose your job. There are so many Ifs in life…given that OP can secure financial backing it’s worth giving it a shot and working towards a higher income. What’s the point of worrying about the possibility of future kids when there very well could not be any on the horizon. Why should this child lose out on a life changing experience.
Also Doesn’t sound like she has to pay mortgage?
Not sure if there are grammar schools in her area but if so a prep school would give the child a better shot than a state school.

People put faith in relationships all the time.

But OP's relationship with her ex has already broken down. That makes it an entirely different situation to that where they are still together.

Their joint income is still too small! Whether other Dc come along or not! It’s too small now. Most people at private schools don’t think holidays are luxuries. They pay the fees and have holidays! Certainly one a year. They don’t manage on £1000 a month. There’s no budget here for “extras” such as music or uniform. It’s really not just a case of paying fees.

Also great teachers exist in state schools. The evidence suggests small classes don’t convey any advantage. It’s quality teaching that conveys advantage. You won’t find that exclusively in private schools. The op was worried about a small issue at the state schools. It’s better to sort this out than pretend a couple of average income parents can afford private school. There are not bursaries for 4 year olds. It’s living in a fool’s paradise.

I don't think that myself having faith in DDs Dad to continue paying is foolish of me or unfair on her - he is her Dad. He is just as much interested in the private school as I am, in fact I'd say he's even more so! I am not asking him for any money, he suggested himself that we could split the fees like this.

Of course there is always a chance that myself or DDs Dad might have more children, but we also might not, and I'm going to spend my/DDs entire life thinking that we shouldn't do xyz because one day in the very distant future there could be siblings!

Just to re-iterate: I have not written off state schools. We are considering private school as an option because we are not happy with our local state options. We are still applying for state schools and will make our final decision when we know where she has been offered a place.

We are still applying for state schools
This is good as you can't afford private school.

You might not think him committing to her education despite you two being separated is unrealistic, but what is realistic is that even with the greatest will from him, he can’t afford private school fees, and to an even greater extent than you can’t. He can’t pay £400 a month (plus, as fees increase) on fees when his income is only £1,700 a month. He’d be leaving himself no buffer for emergencies or any kind of lifestyle changes, which will ultimately result in him having to admit that he can’t keep up with his contributions. And then where does that leave you, whose finances aren’t much more generous?

Another clarification - I'm not sure why people think I'm making the figures up, I don't have anything to gain from doing that!

My salary is a bit over 30k, I do a few hours of overtime every week (usually time a half, so a nice boost!) and often a few training events per month (again, paid), so I take home roughly 2.3k/ month. And again, I only work 4 days a week so there is plenty of opportunity for me to earn more, before I even start thinking about promotions etc! I hope this explanation is satisfactory!

I know it's not a huge salary, but we have more than enough money for the life we have. My outgoings are low, because I have spent the last 10 years making sure that my monthly outgoings are as low as possible. Yes, I have a mortgage. Yes, I pay into a pension/life insurance etc. I'm not daft! 😂And yes, we spend roughly £30/week on food. It's easy to batch cook for 2 people (and we have no pets or anything to feed!)

I am confident that we can afford to send her to private school. I appreciate the concern of anyone who thinks we can't - I understand that DD starting private and having to move to state wouldn't be ideal. I have been over the numbers a hundred times with DDs Dad.

My concern is that DD will feel left out because we're not loaded! We can afford holidays, weekends away, meals out etc, just not to the scale that I am assuming many others at indie schools can.

Honestly @EverybodyDance, there is really no need for you to be so hostile. I am not interested in your opinion on whether or not it is affordable, as that was never my question.

there will be more wealthy people at private school that there would be at normal schools.

affordability is a huge stretch for you so she will likely be at the bottom of league in terms of lifestyle - this won’t be immediately noticeable. But birthday parties, play dates, holidays etc will all bring this into focus.

you will need to be aware of this and ensure you build her resilience and self esteem.

in my primary school I started to notice it much more intensely around P5. I started to get embarrassed about where I lived, my birthday parties always seemed disappointing, my parents always looked uncomfortable. I didn’t have all the tutors my class mates had. I didn’t have the jet skis and holiday homes and multiple changes of clothes.

it still impacts my self esteem if I am honest:

I don't think people think you are making it up per se but I do think you are wrong when you say you can afford private school on your incomes. You just can't because your incomes are not anywhere near high enough.

Your 'figures' are scant. Obviously you don't owe strangers on a forum details of your mortgage and pension or why your ex has no living expenses to speak of.

You just can't because your incomes are not anywhere near high enough.

I understand why people think this, but I am currently paying for nursery, forest school, swimming and gymnastics (both clubs that she can do at the school, included in the fees, so I wouldn't need to continue paying for them) AND putting my share of the fees into savings and financially we are still fine. So when I'm no longer paying for nursery, forest school, swimming or gymnastics, where is all of my money suddenly going to disappear to that means I can no longer afford it?

I will also most likely start working 5 days a week when DD goes to school.

Okay. From my experience of my goddaughter’s private pre-prep; yes, I think the wealth difference between your DD and the other children will be very noticeable, and more so perhaps than at secondary. Most middle-income parents who know that private fees will be stretching their budget prioritise saving up for secondary, when the gap between private and state provision becomes most obvious; there will therefore have a greater wealth mix of pupils, from those who can only be there with bursaries to those of the super rich. However, because of this, and because bursaries at primary age are very rare, the majority of parents who opt for private at primary as well are therefore those who can afford it with ease or relative ease and for whom it isn’t a particular sacrifice. I think your DD is certainly likely to stand out as not in those categories.

I think you should go for it. As she grows older she’ll come to appreciate the hard work and sacrifices you made for her to have a good education - if you make her aware at an early age that she may not have all the frills but she’s there for a good education.

What industry are you in if you don’t mind me asking, do you think there are prospects for growth?

My parents collectively earnt about 35k and I went to private primary school, funded mainly by my grandparents. My parents were self employed, we lived in a flat above the family business and I shared a room with my sister. My best friend lived in a stately home, her dad used to go shooting with the royal family, we’d ride quad bikes around the estate. looking back they were the best memories of my childhood , I loved my primary school and was resentful when I got moved to the local state for secondary.
go for it OP, even at state there will be parents with a ton of money, holidaying in all the places in the world….. honestly just go for it and you won’t regret it!

Hmmm I think you're risking a great deal. I work in private schools. My husband and I are on a joint salary of more than £110k a year, we get a 50% discount on fees for my private school because of my job, and we STILL won't be sending my boys to private prep, as it's just too expensive and not worth it. Possibly secondary. There's no way I'd send them to private prep and then state secondary though. I'd look into bursaries, but I'd also look seriously into state options again. Private schools aren't always amazing by the way, and it's much easier to move from state to private than from private to state...

My parents collectively earnt about 35k and I went to private primary school, funded mainly by my grandparents.

Not quite the same situation then! 😂

@LittleBrenda OP asked for experiences on low income so it’s just that, to sure what your getting at????

Oh and yes, the lifestyle difference will be very apparent. We live in a nice, detached, 5 bedroom house; however, when we go on playdates to friends' houses (these friends will he sending their children to private school next year) I am struck by the different level, and feel like my 1800 sq ft house is small when I get home. A few weeks ago we went to a playdate at someone's house with a proper woodland in the garden, and a separate 'annexe' that is almost as big as long out actual house. If my boys go to state school, they'll realise that they're fairly priveliged, but if they go to my private school, they'll feel the difference straight away and will feel comparatively poor - even though they are very lucky compared to most of society.

@Saturdaydreamingway2355555
It was paying the fees on a low income, not getting others to pay for you! That’s what the post is about. You are not paying the fees.

I still don’t understand why the op doesn’t like the state schools. I’d take a better life in general over continual sacrifice of holidays etc. Parents who care about education are well placed to ensure Dc do well and have a broad education. This might be by spending more time on the curriculum at home or showing DC more of the world or different experiences. Education really is not all about school.