My son is going to private school and I feel weird when people ask me where he's going

[Bluueberrryy]

Son is starting school this September. When I chat to other mums in the parks or softplay etc we end up chatting about them starting school soon and inevitably someone asks 'whereabouts is he going?'

I always feel awkward like I'd be bragging, but then weird if I lied.

I'm from a lower middle class background and went to a state comprehensive where success and doing well was something to take the piss out of. Perhaps that's made me weird about this.

Anyone else?

It's you who has the problem. Other mums jealousy or comments should be water off z ducks back. Who cares? Don't feel judged. Move the convo on to next topic.

Definitely me who has the problem. Trying to figure out how I can just feel normal about it.

Pretty sure it's a big deal to exactly no one where I send my son to school!

I'm just weird about it for some reason

I think it's a you problem. If I asked and someone said the local private school I'd say "oh nice". I wouldn't see you answering my question as a brag.

I feel the same when I tell people that my son is starting private in September but I find the more people I tell the easier it gets. And telling myself that no one really cares where he goes to school anyway! I think it helps if I tell them that I also went to private school and then they go "Ahhh I see"

I think it helps if I tell them that I also went to private school and then they go "Ahhh I see

Really?! I think this is far weirder. I wouldn't bat an eyelid if someone said their child was going to a private school...I would think it's really strange if they felt the need to tell me they went to one too.

What?

mine was privately educated throughout, no one batted an eyelid and no one would have given a shit where I was educated, what an unusual thing.

Sorry I mean that I went to the same school! If that makes more sense?

This! I wouldn't think anything of a child going to private school, so I wouldn't worry about that OP

But I'd think a parent who was desperate to tell me about their own private education was too hung up on the past and/or trying to make a point about being a different class from me.

They're just asking, it's a perfectly normal question. They don't really care. Why would they?

The more you disclose the easier it gets? And there's a lightbulb moment for people when you disclose that you were privately educated too?
This is delightfully nuts 🤣🤣🤣

The only reason I tell them I was privately education is because I tell them that I went to the same school he is going to. Is that weird? It isn't random people in the street I am telling! It is actual people I know 😂

Totally understand. have one already at an independent school and one DC starting there in September and I'm still embarrassed if people ask me. I know it's my issue, it doesn't matter. But solidarity!

Who knew it was such a source of shame?!

They're asking
You're telling
You're waiting for judgement
They don't appear judgemental
But you don't know, they might be silently judging

Yeah, I get it-this is such a British minefield of awkwardness!

Don't worry, OP, just move the chat along. Whichever school he goes to, you will still find clarks shoes a bit crap and plastic water bottles you get in September always break. There's plenty everyone still has in common.

I never ever ask where their child is going to school, so I can never seem like I'm bringing the subject up to then brag.

It's the possible silent judging that I don't like! So awkward

@Bluueberrryy
I think you have imposter syndrome. You are feeling this school is above your station in life. It absolutely is ok to make a choice that’s best for your DD.

I do understand your doubts. I told one parent DD1 was going to a private secondary school but DD enthused about it a lot to anyone who would care to listen. This resulted in me being questioned as to why we rejected the girls’ grammar nearby. I suddenly got invited to meet mums for coffee (to explain our decision!). I just decided it was easier to say exactly why we preferred that particular school for DD. If you are not asked why, don’t say anything. I would not have talked to anyone about our decision but it’s very difficult when they ask you why your DD isn’t going where their DDs are. They had invested in tutoring and we hadn’t.

In some areas loads of DC will go private. Where we live, the only ones that do are the ones who don’t get the 11 plus. Most who choose private primary do so to get coached for 11 plus!

I would say: don’t doubt yourself. Know why you have chosen the school you have and continually remind yourself as to why it’s best. You can spend your money as you wish. If lots go private, few will judge you. It’s normal. Where you are clearly not following everyone else, like us, it’s more difficult. You will find, if your DD is the only DD going to this school, that these mums might drift away from you but you will make new friends. If you like the school after she’s started you will feel more relaxed.

I know what you mean, I have had a range of reactions to ours going to private school, including "its alright for some" and "have you won the lottery!" (we're not wealthy at all but this is how we choose to spend our money).

I also never want to feel like bragging so I also avoid asking others too to avoid the question back but you cant lie if they ask you. Ive even had family refuse to talk about the kids school, they'll ask about all other aspects of the kids but never comment on anything to do with school.

The funny thing is if you turned up with a ridiculously expensive car it would be 'cool' but the fact we spend our money on education seems to be a sour point.

Oh I totally get this. I come from a very working class, single parent (literally where is our next meal coming from) background. I've had stigma all my life, including having 'big ideas' about doing A Levels and going uni.

My kids are at London private schools.

I completely understand the feelings you are talking about. It's a completely alien world to me too, and I feel quite private about it and who I tell. I work in a sort of public sector role where this is not the norm as well, and no one at work knows. It not shame, I'm proud of all that I and my kids are achieving. But I don't like to discuss it and the choices I have been able to make

''The funny thing is if you turned up with a ridiculously expensive car it would be 'cool' but the fact we spend our money on education seems to be a sour point.''

This!! We don't spend our money on cars, clothes, latest mobile phone or holidays! But there seems to be an incessant need to explain this part of my life

I know how you feel, sort of.

DS and DD are both at Oxford University.

When I'm asked I say which Uni they are at and then throw in that they both think they were switched at birth.

I feel embarrassed as if I'm showing off, which I'm really not!

whiteroseredrose

Hey? Your kids going to Oxford University is nothing like paying for private primary education.

I thought OP was embarrassed telling people that her DC were going private in case they thought she was showing off.

Just saying DH and I feel like that.

I can relate @Bluueberrryy. I grew up WC and am now considered MC but suffer from a massive case of imposter syndrome. We've sent DC to private and I cringe when I have to disclose the name of the school- I feel like a right wanker! But, I know it's me and not the person im telling.

It's because the UK has social issues with people that push their children to do their best and people with the money to choose to do it. To put it simply, we often like to tarnish 'try-hards'.

It's one of the many reasons I think ~50% of private schools will close their doors over the next 10-30 years.

I relate. I’m comfortable with our decision to go private and it’s the right thing for our child but I notice a negative response, along the lines of ‘alright for some’.

Its their issue and I can’t control their reaction.