My son is going to private school and I feel weird when people ask me where he's going

[Bluueberrryy]

Son is starting school this September. When I chat to other mums in the parks or softplay etc we end up chatting about them starting school soon and inevitably someone asks 'whereabouts is he going?'

I always feel awkward like I'd be bragging, but then weird if I lied.

I'm from a lower middle class background and went to a state comprehensive where success and doing well was something to take the piss out of. Perhaps that's made me weird about this.

Anyone else?

It may not be jealousy OP. I could send DC to private but chose not to because morally I am against private education. My reaction wouldn’t be jealousy

I've received similar responses so now I keep it vague

'She goes to a school in Nearest City' and I don't elaborate further with randoms at the park etc.

It's your business, you don't need to explain yourself to anyone. (I went to a grim state school and whilst I love my children's school I do still feel an element of judgement from some people)

You think a large % of private schools will close because numbers will drop do to people not wanting to be labeled 'try hard'

Well, it's an interesting view which I doubt will come true.

Our school has an ever extending waiting list, and our state schools are seeing shrinking class sizes at 8+ due to people leaving for independent schools. Which I suppose is a win win, smaller classes in state and those in private who want to be

I know what you mean. I went to a private school and I’m really embarrassed about it. I never tell people when I meet them. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy it don’t appreciate my education but the term privately educated child throws up certain imagery in people’s heads that can be so far from the actual truth. Apart from my education I had a very normal, not at all privileged upbringing which feels nothing like the stereotype in people’s heads. The nastier people can be actively unpleasant about it too. It’s best just left unsaid.

The majority will say something non-committal and will probably think something along the following lines -

• nothing, it won't be of interest to them


• oh nice, wish I could afford it


• I'm morally opposed to private education


• oh here we go, state school isn't good enough, yawn yawn

I found that if I was asked locally which primary my dc were going to and I mentioned random small prep school there was just mostly 'where's that?' because they hadn't heard of it and then when you say it's a small private school near blah then you just carry on with the conversation.

Fact is your dc are going private and you have ponyed up for it (and have the ability to pony up for it) and you just have to own that.

But surely you just say the school name? I wouldn't know the names of the most local private schools to me so I'd just say "oh I haven't heard of it. Where's that?" And then they'll say an area name and I'd still have no clue it's a private school.

I get this.

I went to state school. My daughter goes to a prep. I find it slightly awkward when asked where she goes to school but all you can do is style it out.

I don’t think people are bothered. If the state schools in your area are good, people might be a little curious about your decision but it’s no big deal.

I find it awkward too, I never ask where a child is going because I don't want the question back!
I'm a hypocrite because morally I don't like the idea that some kids get an advantage over others, but at the same time I can afford it and it's what's best for my children so I do it.
I've only once had a negative comment, as far as I can tell no one else even cares.
I despise having long conversations about it though because our DCs school is so much better than the local state schools and when you start talking the difference is huge, in opportunity's, class aisles, extra curricular, sports, online learning, iPads etc...

Lol. Why wouldn't you give your child the best education you possibly could. For some spurious moral reasoning.

I do just say the name. If you're from where I am you'll know the school from just the name.

It’s ‘better’ because you’re paying for those things to be available on one site. Many parents who use state schools prefer to pay for these to be delivered in different settings outside the classroom. Probably better to think of it as different rather than (a generic) better or worse.

@purpleboy
Hmm. You don’t have morals. When you choose something that’s so diametrically opposed to your beliefs, you have abandoned your morals and are obviously not worried about anyone else. At least I was honest. All this faux concern for others is just rubbish.

By the way, having lots of things in independent schools doesn’t automatically make your DC more successful. Or happy.

I find it immoral to not give your children every opportunity you possibly can.

I didn't send my kids to private school but would have felt the same as you I think, OP.

I think parts of the UK have a kind of reverse snobbery thing, where people who are doing well for themselves are looked down on. Can be the same with living in a nice area, or being too intelligent, or having a professional job. Irrational though it is!

Op it’s definitely thing. I get weird responses sometimes and it’s not even a private school my dc go to, it’s just an academically selective grammar school. It’s a little weird in the area we’re in, it’s in a very deprived part of the uk with generally very poor state schools, then this one outstanding grammar which (subscription wise) is one of the hardest schools to get into in the uk. We’re in a predominantly white area but 80% of the pupils in this school are Asian (most have had early tutoring). I’m not even bothered about the reactions when I get asked about my dc’s school, they worked hard to get there, but I’ve had more than a few people respond with something like ‘oh, very posh’ and then give me this weird kind of tight smile which doesn’t quite reach their eyes 🤔🤷🏼‍♀️

They are only asking maybe if your kids will be at the same school and if you will have that connection. After that truly no one cares less!

Now who’s judging?

I do just say the name. If you're from where I am you'll know the school from just the name.

Then there'll almost certainly be other children going there too

Yeah, nobody cares, OP. They're not really interested in what you're doing with your kid.

I think your problem lies in the assumption that people would think you are bragging. That suggests an underlying belief that sending your kid to private school is actually something to brag about? Do you think that it makes you a better parent or something? Or that it will make your dc superior in some way? [Hint: it doesn't and it won't.]

It's foolish to assume that everyone would send their dc to private schools if they could afford it. Plenty of us have other reasons for not using them. In our case, private would have been a waste of money as we were confident that dd would do just as well in state and we wanted her to be exposed to a more diverse range of people. Others will have different reasons for their choices. Of course, there will be some who would use private if they could, but it's ridiculous to assume that everyone would want that for their kids.

Just tell people where your ds is going and stop overthinking it. Nobody else gives a shit.

I guess try to change your mindset that private school is better than state? Then it won't seem like a brag.

How about you assume at the start of every conversation that the parent you are speaking to has also made an informed decision about where to send their child and why. Ie if they had wanted their child to go to private school, that's where they'd be going.

You seem to be starting from the presumption that they want to to send their child to private school too, but can't.

That's not the case often enough. We could have sent ours to private but we wanted them to be taught by teachers who had chosen to work in the state sector, and we wanted them to have a broad range of friends. We also would have been stretched so probably would have missed out on the skiing holidays, trips abroad, sports etc that we were able to do.

Most parents make informed choices, own yours and let others own theirs.

If people vocally disapprove of an educational system that perpetuates inequality, that’s an excellent thing.

OK, you're sounding very smug now. You clearly think that going private makes you a better parent. That's probably coming across in the way that you're talking to people, and they're reacting negatively towards the weird puffed up pride that you're projecting about your choice of school for your ds.

I presume that this stems from some sort of deep insecurity on your part, OP. I don't know what that's about but try not to pass it on to your ds. He won't thank you for it.

I am second generation immigrant, I grew up in one of the most deprived areas in the country - generally no one had any reaction that my daughter was going private school.
No one cares.