My son is going to private school and I feel weird when people ask me where he's going

[Bluueberrryy]

Son is starting school this September. When I chat to other mums in the parks or softplay etc we end up chatting about them starting school soon and inevitably someone asks 'whereabouts is he going?'

I always feel awkward like I'd be bragging, but then weird if I lied.

I'm from a lower middle class background and went to a state comprehensive where success and doing well was something to take the piss out of. Perhaps that's made me weird about this.

Anyone else?

Your post is unnecessarily rude.
I am concerned some children get an advantage over others, I don't think it's fair, but choosing not to give my children an advantage when I can, is doing them a disservice and doesn't do anything to benefit anyone else.
I owned I'm a hypocrite for those reasons. I'm happy with my decision to do the best for my child, it doesn't mean I can't still feel it would be fairer for all children to access the same opportunities.

It’s ‘better’ because you’re paying for those things to be available on one site. Many parents who use state schools prefer to pay for these to be delivered in different settings outside the classroom. Probably better to think of it as different rather than (a generic) better or worse.

A lot of people I know can't afford to give their children these opportunities outside of school, so yes I'm paying for the privilege but I also know that many can't. But I do think it's better, not just regarding paid activities, but small class sizes, pastoral care, wraparound childcare, online learning, sports lessons, school speakers, the list goes on. Obviously I am only speaking for my children's school compared to the local state school. Not that private is always better than state.

I understand this point of view.

I don't agree with the concept of private education, and I want a system that is fair for all children. However, I wouldn't have hesitated to send dd private if I had actually believed that she would get a better education that way, because she is my priority. I accept that that makes me a bit of a hypocrite, but I confess that I value my dd's wellbeing over and above my political beliefs.

As it happened, we felt that she would be better off in the state sector so we didn't have to make that choice, but I understand why some parents choose private if that's what they think will suit their dc best. If dd had been a different child - e.g. less confident/less bright/less self-motivated - we might have made a different decision ourselves.

As a pp said, most parents try to make the best possible decisions for their kids, taking a wide range of factors into account. The problem is when one parent starts feeling all superior because they assume that everyone else would have chosen what they did if only they had been able to. It simply isn't that simple.

Wow. I can understand now why you think that people are silently judging you, because you obviously judge them.

As previous posters have said some of us don't send our kids to private school because either we don't agree with it because it perpetuates the class divide or because they would rather their kids mixed with more of a range of people, or whatever.

A friend did the math it was cheaper than nursery wrap around care here

I'm well aware a lot can't afford it outside of school - I said many, not all.

I'm glad that you caveated your 'it's better' with 'I'm only peaking for my child's school'. The things you describe as 'better because it's private' are available in plenty of state schools (class sizes aside, perhaps) but if they're not available in your local state schools and you can afford them then it makes sense to pay for them in one place.

I get it @Bluueberrryy . People judge despite what MN is saying. I’ve actually lost a friend because of that. That’s because around here child at private school=entitled twat.
it’s not even about unfairness or being above your station, whatever.

So yes I’ve been feeling uncomfortable saying it too.
But when it comes down to it, it’s about feeling comfortable in yourself about the about choice you’ve made. And it’s clear from your posts that you know why you’ve taken that decision and that you are happy with that. Hold on to it!

I've jad responses ranging from "thats an amazing school, she's so lucky I'd send my dd of I could" "good school" " how much are the fees?" "I'm really hoping DD can get a scholarship as I'd love her to go" and "oh"

@SirChenjins yes absolutely I can only compare with what I know personally. My nephew is at our local school, they get 30 mins of sport a week, (we get 5 hours plus after school sports) no matches (we get 2 a week), no library (we do), the playground has no equipment in it (we have numerous playgrounds plus sports equipment), They had 1 worksheet a week during lockdowns, accessed online, some kids didn't have access to any devices (we got full online learning and all kids have a school iPad) they offer no music lessons (we get specialized music lesson plus options to pursue a particular instrument) etc....
It's like night and day and I feel so guilty about the difference between the 2 schools, but I feel I wouldn't be doing the best I can for my DDs by sending them to the local school.

So you're helpfully comparing your chosen independent school with the local sink school, for maximum effect...

I know some kids at private schools who I consider to be entitled twats, but only the ones who actually are entitled twats. I know plenty of other privately educated kids who are, you know, just nice normal kids. It isn't the school itself that leads to the judgment, it's the attitudes of some kids.

Same with the parents. I know some really lovely people who have chosen to send their kids to private schools for a whole range of different reasons. They're just nice normal parents. Then there are the few smug twats who think that their choice of school makes them better parents. Those are the ones that I judge as smug twats, not all parents who use private schools.

If you're not a smug twat and your child is not entitled, then there will be no reason for me to judge you. If you're expecting judgement before you even tell me where your child goes to school, then that suggests that you have a bit of a complex about it that I would find irritating.

I’ve felt embarrassed with my old friends too but as time goes on I’ve noticed that they’ve done the best they can to get their children advantages - moving to the better areas, tutoring, trying for scholarships. I feel it all comes out in the wash actually

@Johnnysgirl I was talking to another poster in the context of our conversation.
What is it you have a problem with?

Apologies for butting into your private conversation. On a public talk board...
<tugs forelock>

I think you’re going to feel uncomfortable around the people and parents there if you don’t even feel comfortable saying to others what school he’s going to. You need to own it and accept it before this self consciousness impacts your DS’s experience there. You have money, more than others, and you’re paying for something others can’t afford. If you don’t feel comfortable with that then private school isn’t something you should be getting involved it. It’s a long road of expensive uniforms, friends with money, expensive school trips…..

Well, not everyone sees private school as giving their child the best opportunity. I think the private system is hugely unfair, and I also want my children to go to school with a mix of children that is reflective of where we live and society more generally. I don’t think it’s doing them any favours in life to only mix with other rich, privileged children (plus the token poor kid on a scholarship to ease everyone’s conscience) in a bubble totally out of touch with how the vast majority of the population live.

You think people will judge you. Some will, some won’t, but if you’re so convinced that you’re taking the morally superior route then why would you care?

If you’re worried that people think that you may be showing off could you phrase it as you not thinking they are bright enough to succeed at state school and so you’re sending them to private to give them a chance at a better career?

No-one could consider that being boastful.

@Calgarygirl lol you volunteering where you went to school is bizarre if no one is asking you 😂

OP I’ve had my kids in both state and private. No one cares apart from family where they are headed to school-wise. It’s just conversation 🤷‍♀️

No need to apologise, I'm just not sure what point your trying to make? You quoted my reply to another poster as part of a conversation we were having about me specifically comparing my DDs school to my local school. You seem to imply I'm making it up, apologies if I've read you wrong. I was just saying it was in context of the conversation I was having with another poster.

Yes, that does sound bad. Did you look at other, better state schools?

@SlightlyGeordieJohn

My friend is the same as you, her DCs are at private schools and she is always apologising for it

They ask, you tell and conversation moves on, it's you not them

In a similar vein someone asked me what I did as a job, I told them and they asked if they were supposed to be impressed. I was baffled as 1, they'd asked me and 2, it really isn't impressive! financial services

This kind of thing can happen even with other parents at the private school. I was given a lift home one day and the woman said oh is it this house, indicating a modest terrace similiar to hers. I felt a bit awkward saying no, actually it's that big detached house with in and out driveway... the truth was we were probably on the same income but I chose to spend on my home and she didn't. Still felt weird.
I think you feel that by saying your child is going to a private school you are worried that the other mums think YOU are JUDGING them, and that a state school might not be 'good enough' for your own child.
Some people will think 'well la de dah', but honestly you just have to state the fact then move on. You don't have to justify your decision at all.

I think you're right, but I think the OP is worried that other mums will think that she is judging them for using state schools because it's clear from her posts that she is judging them. She has made it very clear on this that that she thinks she is a better parent because she is paying for a private education.

If she wasn't judging and didn't consider her choices to be superior, it would be a complete non-issue.

Worrying about someone who thinks badly of you is pointless.

But in this case your problem is what you think they think. It is so easily done but really pointless. You are almost certainly wrong. If they are judging you that is their problem.

Find a chat or mantra to repeat to yourself when you are overthining it. "My choice of school is not a big deal to anyone else."

In our case we’ve chosen the local state school because we think that they are likely going to be capable of doing well there, and so see no need to hold our noises and try to buy them advantage.

Yet.

My wife and I are both very able academically (I’m a doctor of physics, she has a masters in econometrics) and so know that the chances are that ours will be able to do as well at state school as we did. It also means that we can fill in any gaps ourselves if we need to.

If it turns out that they aren’t up to it, then we may change our mind later, which we’ll do with a slightly heavy heart.