My son is going to private school and I feel weird when people ask me where he's going

[Bluueberrryy]

Son is starting school this September. When I chat to other mums in the parks or softplay etc we end up chatting about them starting school soon and inevitably someone asks 'whereabouts is he going?'

I always feel awkward like I'd be bragging, but then weird if I lied.

I'm from a lower middle class background and went to a state comprehensive where success and doing well was something to take the piss out of. Perhaps that's made me weird about this.

Anyone else?

I think OP wants it to be a big deal, actually.

Never found it weird if someone said their kids were at private school but I did take exception when other parents told me I was stupid to send them to state school (colleague of exh), non selective school (no state selective schools where I lived but they lived in a different nearby county) or that I should home school because it's better (duh! I have to actually work!). If everyone kept snide comments to themselves the world would be a happier place!

As previous posters have said some of us don't send our kids to private school because either we don't agree with it because it perpetuates the class divide or because they would rather their kids mixed with more of a range of people, or whatever.

This is making a judgement that private schools aren't diverse.

She has made it very clear on this that that she thinks she is a better parent because she is paying for a private education.

I don't think I'm a better parent. I do think, and know, that private schools are generally better.

I apologise about my two snippy posts. I reacted badly to someone bringing morals into it, and another saying 'it wouldn't be jealousy' hinting it would be judgement.

I really don't think I'm better than anyone else. I'm sensitive about this topic and was defensive and argumentative. Sorry.

You cannot seriously be claiming that private schools are as socially, financially and academically diverse as state schools, surely.

Is your apology relating to your last two factually incorrect posts?

Of course everyone makes judgements about the best place to send their children. You have done so. It's just that people come to different conclusions about what is best.

I think you really really need to try to move away from the idea that private schools are objectively 'better' than state schools. That's massively subjective.

If you can do that you might feel less embarrassed as you will be able to recognise that not everyone would make the same choice as you in your circumstances. Then you've got nothing to be embarrassed about. You made your choice, others made theirs.

Well you shouldn't care what people think,

but fwiw I would judge you - I don't agree with private schools and judge people who choose to send their kids there. Like PP I also don't agree with it from a moral standpoint.

But most people on this thread who send their children to private school don't give a toss what I think. And given you think you're giving your child the best start, you also shouldn't care what I think.

My friend’s DC attends a private school that happens to have ‘grammar’ in its name but is not actually a grammar school: it does have an entry test but it is not at the level of the local super-selective grammars.

My friend says she feels obliged to explain the situation if someone asks which school her DC goes to, so that they don’t incorrectly receive the impression that her DC is at a grammar school, eg “DC goes to [name of town] Grammar School. It’s not a grammar school though – it’s a private school.”

She then waits to see whether the person judges her on the mention of ‘grammar,’ or on ‘private,’ or on both! (or neither, of course)

Well that massively depends on where you live.

Where I live, the private school is much better than the two state schools (allegedly outstanding too).
My dcs went to both. There is no mistake, starting with the overall attitude the Op was mentioning right in her OP.

No

Why would you judge though?

I sent my dcs to our local private school because it was better for them.
dc1 went from hating school and wishing to be away from there asap to loving being at school.
dc2 flourished (on the spectrum and he found an environment where he could be himself AND wasn’t forgotten because he is so quiet)

So why would you judge someone like me who found what was the best school for my dcs?
Im a bit puzzled.

It certainly should have been.

Absolutely this.

Well, why don't you feel normal about it?

@SantiMakesMeLaugh but that just proves my point that it's totally subjective. You made the choice that for your children, out of the schools you had local to you, the private school suited them best.

Not everyone would have made the same choice for their children.

There are things that children get from private that state schools can't provide, and there are things that state schools provide that private schools can't.

A private school will not always be the best choice, depending on the child, the school itself, parental priorities, what the other options are etc. etc.

OP… you’re not helping your case by continually stating that private schools are objectively better. It is not the case that all private schools are better than all state schools in all regards for all people.

By failing to see that, you are coming across as judgmental. As others have said, it sounds like you think you’re being judged as thinking you’re superior because you genuinely think you’re making the superior choice.

Know when to back down…

I know how you feel. I try to avoid mentioning DD's school by name as well.

On the morals thing - I totally understand the posters who say that they are morally opposed to private schools and that is why they don't send their children there. I think it's an entirely legitimate stance to take. My view is that, given that Dd was struggling in her state school, it would have been morally wrong for me to allow her to stay in that school when we had the resources to move her into the independent sector. I'm not saying I'm a better parent than people who are morally opposed to private education, but it is also easy to take that moral stance if your child is one who is doing ok in the state sector. It becomes much harder if they aren't.

There are things that children get from private that state schools can't provide, and there are things that state schools provide that private schools can't.

What are the things that state schools can provide but private schools can’t?

Asuuming the Op is still living when she grew up, she has clearly defined the type of culture there is. I personally wouldn’t want my dcs there. Would you?

MN is this weird world where the place is full of grammar schools or outstanding school with great ethos. Maybe it’s time to realise that in RL this is not the case everywhere.

I'm the same, in fact it just happened and I felt so awkward! it doesn't help that in my town there are literally two options for state so people literally ask you "ooh is she doing to A or B?" and it feels odd to say oh actually neither, it's totally my problem but I don always feel like I'm implying A and B aren't good enough for my precious baby!

Private schools might be better than state schools in some areas. And private schools might be better than state schools for some children.

On the other hand, state schools might be better than private schools in some areas. And state schools might be better than private schools for some children.

We have reviewed all of the options in both sectors at each stage of my dd's education, and made choices about which environment would be better for her overall. It wasn't a binary choice between state and private, but an evaluation of which of several schools would suit her best. For primary school and sixth form, it was an absolute no brainer - the state options were infinitely preferable in my view. I hesitated a bit more over the choice of secondary, and might have gone private had dd not got into our preferred state option, but she did get a place in our first choice of school and so there the discussion ended.

It's foolish to generalise to the extent of saying that you "know" that private schools are generally better. It suggests a lack of critical thinking ability and a failure to recognise that what suits one child won't necessarily suit another. The reality is far more complicated and nuanced than you suggest. It is not the sector that makes a school good or bad; all schools have different strengths and weaknesses. Moreover, different children will have different needs that different schools will be able to meet to different degrees.

You have chosen the environment that you think is best for your son. That's what you're supposed to do as a parent, so that's fine. The mistake that you're making is in assuming that the same environment would inevitably be better for all other children too. Leave that judgement to their parents and they will be happy to leave you to yours.

I totally agree with this. If you have a child like mine, who is positively thriving and excelling in the state sector, it's easy to make pronouncements about not wanting to buy unfair advantages. The fact is, I don't need to buy any advantages because my dd already has advantages in bucketloads.

If dd was struggling and/or lacking in drive/motivation, and I thought that q private school would help her to do better, I would move her in a heartbeat. I'm lucky because I don't need to.

I admit I would be surprised if someone I knew sent their child to private. For two reasons:

1. I would be surprised if anyone at my DC's school had a spare £15k a year so unless was a scholarship would be amazed
2. Most people I know enough for them to tell me where their child is going are left leaning and most morally opposed to private education.

I wouldn't say anything but would think that you were pretty loaded!