My son is going to private school and I feel weird when people ask me where he's going

[Bluueberrryy]

Son is starting school this September. When I chat to other mums in the parks or softplay etc we end up chatting about them starting school soon and inevitably someone asks 'whereabouts is he going?'

I always feel awkward like I'd be bragging, but then weird if I lied.

I'm from a lower middle class background and went to a state comprehensive where success and doing well was something to take the piss out of. Perhaps that's made me weird about this.

Anyone else?

If dd was struggling and/or lacking in drive/motivation, and I thought that q private school would help her to do better, I would move her in a heartbeat. I'm lucky because I don't need to

I agree - although I'd add that I would consider private as one option only, and would also look carefully at other state schools and tutoring as valid alternatives.

Tutoring doesn’t solve everything.
It doesn’t solve the fact that a child is totally ignored because they are quiet and the teacher is busy dealing with other children disrupting the class.
it doesn’t solve anything about the culture within the school (can’t be seen as a nerd- having high hopes for uni is bad because any university like Oxford, durham ec.. are crap)
its doesn’t stop a child who is doing well to be out next to those who aren’t or who are disruptive. And the disruptive child to be basically a bully (think insisting the cleverer child is doing all their work, stabbing with a compas if not happening etc…)
Thats Wo mentioning the fights, drugs etc… of course. (I mean dc1 is STILL, 4 years on, refusing to go to the loo at school because toilets were where ‘drugs happened’. And it wasn’t safe)

Other state schools around? Well there are none (that one WAS one of the best and oversubscribed in the first place!).

So yes in some part of the U.K., you have choices on where to send your child. You have grammar schools and standard state schools. You have naice schools with great ethos. Yes I’m sure it happens.
But in RL you also have areas where you have no choice. And it would be nice for posters to sometimes actually acknowledge this is the case.

Just answer them in a simple way. Most won't care about the answer.
One or two might have had a similar idea about going private. One just might come back and ask you how you applied or later how the child is settling in.
Those might be 'genuine' questions. not just small talk.

Fwiw if I was going from my own experience where I live, I would have no hesitation saying that private schools are always better.

Now I read MN and have discovered all those nice areas with great schools that I didn’t know even existed (because the schools around me were outstanding so the logic would be that all outstanding schools are like this right?).
The idea that posters must be stupid if their experience doesn’t match someone else experience of state/private school downs help either tbh.

Exactly. Rather than making assumptions, you would evaluate all of the options and choose the best one.

@SirChenjins we only have 2 that they could have attended and the other one is worse than this one, my nephew was at the other school and his mum moved him within a week of him being there. The options near us are really poor for those who have no choice.

I sort of feel you are taking this very personally. The whole point is that different schools suit different children, and that if a child isn't in private school it isn't necessarily just because the parents can't fork out the money.

If you really want to know what I believe private schools can't give to children:

• teachers who have actively chosen to work in the state sector (I can outline why I think this is important if you really want but I won't here for the sake of being succinct).
• a sense a level playing field. The many children who excel at state school have no sense that their achievements are in fact down to privilege rather than their own talent
• a realistic sense of diversity, in its truest sense of the word.
• An advantage when it comes to applying to Oxbridge etc.

In my own children's case there was just no point in private school. They excelled in state AND we could fund all the extra curricular activities they wanted to do. There is no way we would still be going on ski holidays now they are adults had we sent them to private school- we couldn't have afforded to go skiing every year as well as fees. Plus things like the horses etc.

Both my children have gotten to where they are now under their own steam, and are very rounded and grounded individuals. we are very proud of them.

BUT as I've said before, state school suited our children, and that was our choice, but it's not objectively the best choice for all children.

I do acknowledge it.

I acknowledge that some kids struggle socially and do better in smaller, more nurturing environments.

I acknowledge that some kids struggle academically and do better in an environment where they are given more help.

I acknowledge that some kids are quiet and liable to get ignored, and will do better in classes where the teacher can give more individual attention.

I acknowledge that some kids are easily led/easily distracted and will do better in an environment where the disruptive kids are weeded out at an early stage.

I wonder if you acknowledge that some kids will excel and thrive both academically and socially in any environment, and that a private education might actually be a totally waste of money for those kids?

An advantage when it comes to applying to Oxbridge etc.

You think private schools can’t give an advantage here….?

@Holly60 not taking it personally at all. For the simple reason that I personally don’t care if the school is private or state. That’s because I’m not British and this hang up about private schools vs state schools goes way over my head.

i DO have an issue with the attitude of some MNters who think that if they can do X and Y (like changing school, find one with great ethos, get a good tutor etc etc) then everyone else can. That it’s just a question tutoring and putting the effort of taking the dcs to after school activities rather than expecting the school do that for them.

Because really that’s not where the issue is. See my comment above.

Fwiw the idea that state schools give a realistic sense of diversity.

Where I live, the population is mainly white (about 80% I think, maybe more). At our private school there is about 40% of students that aren’t white with many people with different religions. My dcs didn’t have that at their state school. Actually they were surrounded by other pupils who were racist/xenophobic instead.
They did have the chance to mix up with lower income families but didn’t have the chance to mix up with families with much higher income.
So I’m not sure that you can actually say that being at state school did give them more of ‘a sense of diversity’.

Interested to see what you mean about teachers who have chosen to work in the state sector. I have a few friends who are teachers and they don’t seem to have ever made that sort if separation so I’m intrigued.

@Bluueberrryy Private schools are not diverse. End of. Yes (some of the) parents sacrifice a lot for their kids to go there, and good for them. But let’s not pretend they don’t have that level of high disposable income in the first place to even consider it - financially we are not talking diversity in abundance.

Before you shout me down as leftie or jealous…my kids went to private prep then state grammar (itself not without controversy granted). Both kids would tell you whilst prep was lovely and fun, state school has prepared them better for life beyond school and outwith an incredibly non diverse bubble.

But why do we have money?

Wasn't just handed to us. So how is it unfair?

As you say, all parents want the best for their kids. Some happen to be fortunate enough to be able to afford more than others. I don't think that's anything to be embarrassed about. Most of us probably try to do whatever we can within our means to give our kids the best start in life.

What I do think is a bit embarrassing for people is the blind assumption that private schools must be better because they're so expensive. But that's a separate issue.

Why do youthink you have money?

I know why we have money.

I don't think it's unfair for us to send our children to private school.

If they're weird about it you won't know them in a years time. But at this stage that happens anyway. You just gravitate to school mums and some people fade away regardless of where you're sending your kids.

Why are you puzzled? As @Notaneffingcockerspaniel says so eloquently, it's because you are choosing to take part in a system that gives your child an advantage simply because you have money. You are choosing a system that is less diverse, exclusionary and inherently unfair. That's why I judge.

And no, OP you are not a better parent than me, who chooses NOT to send my child to private school. And you're certainly not a better parent than all of those people that have no hope in hell in affording a private school

OK. So you know then that you have money because of a combination of hard work and plenty of good luck. Unfortunately, there are lots of people who put in the hard work but don't get the good luck. Do you think that's fair?

FWIW, I don't actually have any issue with you spending your wealth on things that you think will benefit your child. I do exactly the same thing, I just don't think private school fees would be money well spent in our case.

We are both incredibly lucky to have been able to make that choice. It is not fair that others don't get the opportunity to make the same choices.

I really don’t think this thread is helping you, OP.

You’ve obviously got some chips on our shoulder and this thread is bring that out.

Our DC are at private school. Some of their friends are. Some aren’t. Some friends have one child at private and one at state. It is what it is.

Make your peace with your decision and get on with life.

In your shoes I would be embarrassed as well. But that’s because I believe private education is fundamentally unfair and divisive. I’d go so far as to say that it’s not much better than segregating school kids by race as they used to do in parts of the US.

But that’s just my belief. If you can in all good conscience send your children to private school then own your decision.

Wasn't just handed to us. So how is it unfair?

^ surely you understand that most people from under privileged backgrounds don't have anything to inherit, are disadvantaged by structural inequalities and have absolutely no chance of earning the money to send their kids to private school if they wanted to.

This thread is doing you no favours.

This thread is doing you no favours.

No, but it's becoming increasingly clear why the OP is getting negative reactions from people when she talks to people about her ds's school.

I was privately educated (mostly) and now I teach in a private school. I’ve had all the comments even though, like you, I’ve always just been answering the question. You just have to shrug it off because you’re doing what’s right for your DC. Kids thrive in different environments. Try telling a room full of state school teachers that you teach in the private school 😂