My son is going to private school and I feel weird when people ask me where he's going

[Bluueberrryy]

Son is starting school this September. When I chat to other mums in the parks or softplay etc we end up chatting about them starting school soon and inevitably someone asks 'whereabouts is he going?'

I always feel awkward like I'd be bragging, but then weird if I lied.

I'm from a lower middle class background and went to a state comprehensive where success and doing well was something to take the piss out of. Perhaps that's made me weird about this.

Anyone else?

When parents of DS’s class heard he was going to private school they all said ‘oh good, it’s what he needs’. The only people I had to be careful around were my colleagues in a comprehensive school where I taught. It was even worse when he got a place at Cambridge. Don’t worry about other people. do what is right for your child.

How odd. My comprehensive school teachers were pleased for me when I went to Cambridge.

Did you really have to "be careful" around your colleagues or did you just have to try very hard to avoid the temptation to boast shamelessly about your clever son? There is a difference, you know.

Plenty of my friends kids go to private schools and have lovely homes and cars. I honestly am in no way jealous. They have been fantastic friends to me and I am grateful to have them in my life.

However, I struggle with folk discussing their local shit school and moving because 'they want the best for their child' and are willing make the sacrifice.

It irritates me because I want the best for my children too, but I don't have the money to make the 'sacrifice' in the first place.

And what sacrifice exactly? No big holidays (check) no cool car (check) no big house (check). I'm already doing that and we still can't make ends meet.

But absolutely have no problem with people who are honest and say they can afford a private education and have chosen it for their child.

But absolutely have no problem with people who are honest and say they can afford a private education and have chosen it for their child.

Me neither. I might make different choices for my dc but I have absolutely no issue with others doing what they think is best for their kids. Some of them will no doubt have excellent reasons for their choices. As it happens, we could afford private if we thought it was worth it, but I don't think I would resent it even if we couldn't. Most people are used to the idea that different people live off different budgets, and that's just a part of life.

Some people have ideological issues with private schools. I understand those issues, but personally I think it would be hypocritical for me to judge people for paying school fees for their dc when I quite happily pay for other opportunities that I think my dd will benefit from. Life isn't a level playing field, unfortunately, much as I wish that it was.

Where I take issue is with the parents who clearly feel superior about their decision and/or their ability to go private. Even worse than that is the faux embarrassment that they talk about when it's actually very clear that they really just want to boast about their perceived superiority. Nobody is interested!

@Minimalme
I agree with you. People with high incomes are able to have choices and at least are honest about it. I dislike people who can afford private rubbishing state schools. Someone said earlier that a school had no outside play equipment. That’s just not possible for EY children. When some parents talk about state schools I sometimes think they have never visited one. I don’t know a state school where there is no music available. At least not near me. The Government expects 30 minutes of physical activity a day. The ambition is 60 minutes a day. A poster said schools did 30 minutes a week. There’s plenty of evidence parents have no idea about state schools. By all
means be pleased about a private school but being very poorly informed about state schools mean parents don’t compare accurately.

@Mumwantingtogetitright I absolutely agree with you.

My friends who send their kids to private school wouldn't dream of telling me that they 'wanted the best for their kids' simply because they know that I want that for mine too.

One of my closest friends is very good at maths and after Uni went to work in the city. She made a load of money, worked bloody hard and chose to send her kids to private school.

I studied a creative subject, did ok-ish in a public sector career then had to become a full time career for one of my kids who is disabled.

Our financial situations couldn't be more different but she knows that her kids go to private school because of the path life offered her, rather than because she worked harder or made better choices.

Personally I do judge someone's choice to send private. I just strongly oppose their existence. But I wouldn't dwell on it nor strike up an argument.

Not to jump in, but mdh2020 is talking about her colleagues at a comprehensive school. Not her son’s teachers at a comprehensive school.

I’m sure her son’s teachers are absolutely thrilled.

Of course it's not bragging if someone asks you a question and you answer truthfully.

My comprehensive school teachers told me not to apply for Oxford as it’s not for “people like you.”

It struck me as a strange thing to say, as they knew that academically I was more than capable. Fortunately I didn’t listen, but they really wanted us to know our place.

Wait, so are people not allowed to do anything that gives their child ‘an advantage’? No sports clubs? Music lessons? Theatre trips? Scouts? Mustn’t let my child join a choir; it might give them cultural capital!

Yes, I'm aware of that. I just don't believe that many teachers would have any issue with a bright kid going to Oxbridge. What they might have an issue with is a colleague appearing to boast about that...especially if said colleague had form for boasting about their child going to a private school. And even more so if - as I suspect from what @mdh2020 said in her post - said colleague perhaps believes that her dc is simply too clever for a mere comprehensive!

I suppose the difference is that these are things which are affordable and open to all - and parents who send their children to them don’t make generalisations about how better these things are than alternatives, or how it somehow makes them better parents, or how they’ve worked harder than others and so can afford it, or how they do it because they want the best for their children. If they did the overwhelming response would be and

Affordable for most, perhaps. Not for everyone.

Most of us probably give our kids some advantages that wouldn't be affordable to everyone. I think it's natural for individual parents to do the best that they think they can for their kids with the resources that they have, and I wouldn't criticise people for choosing private if that's what feels right for them. I just don't think it makes them better parents, and in many cases, I don't think their kids will benefit as much as the parents think they will.

OP, if you think it's bad now, just wait until you have DC at Eton. I have always tended to say "down south", or "a school near Slough".

I would never judge a parent who told me their child goes to a private school.
like others, I feel the system is highly unfair, but I recognise that most parents will do whatever they can to do what they think is best for their children.

I do, however, judge comments like this….
”But why do we have money? Wasn't just handed to us. So how is it unfair?” Because it suggests the underlying assumption that poor people just don’t work hard enough (I’m sure you’ll say that’s not what intended). In fact many people (not all) who attend private schools do have money handed to them via inheritance.

I don’t judge people choosing private schools.
I do judge those who insinuate wealth is linked to how hard someone works.

Totally agree!

Do I have chips on my shoulder, or is this thread confirming what I thought?

No, not for everyone - but certainly many. Comparing private school fees to Scouts membership fees (around £10-15 per month which can be reduced for families on low incomes, with grants available for uniforms) is a bit ridiculous.

Oh, I agree that they're not comparable. I'm not suggesting that they are. I just think the principle is the same - we all use the resources that we have for the benefit of our kids, and there is nothing wrong with that. There is a lot wrong with the structural inequality in our society, and I want that to be addressed, but I would never blame individual parents for doing what they believe is right for their kids.

Some people will disapprove of your ethical choices, I'm sure. Just as some people might disapprove of my choice not to send dd private when we could comfortably afford to do so. There will always be people who disagree with the choices that we make.

However, I'm willing to bet that the negative reactions that you're experiencing in real life are the result of your own perception of having made superior choices being detected by the people that you're talking to. You're not exactly subtle about it.

I also dislike private education on principle, I think it perpetuates inequality and I guess I judge people a bit who don't acknowledge or recognise that or think that every child deserves a chance at a good quality education, not this two tier shit show we have now. I'm also very anti academies.
But I have close friends who send their kids private, they were either born into money or have landed in jobs where they get paid very high salaries (and of course they work just as hard as I do in my worthy but very low paid career!). They're not embarrassed by the fact they have chosen an elite education for their children, they know my views, and we just agree to differ!
So in my long-winded way, if you have chosen private education then be strong with your choice, your good friends will get over their own hang ups and will still love you, and if they're not friends, who gives a shit what they think, like most people in the world couldn't give a shit that I detest the privileged private education PPE toffs back slapping world that has given us the shit show of a government we have now.

God, how I hate this new quotation system.

I agree - but my point in the latter part of my post was that (and I repeat) those parents who send their children to these classes, groups etc don’t make generalisations about how better these things are than alternatives, or how it somehow makes them better parents, or how they’ve worked harder than others and so can afford it, or how they do it because they want the best for their children (because and ). All of those claims have been in evidence on here - when in fact it’s been explained to the OP over and over that her claim that private schools are better than the state system is simply untrue - it’s a subjective and simplistic view

Why are you anti academies @Ihaventgottimeforthis ? Do you mean all academies or just the big multi academy trusts?

Almost all state schools are academies in my county - most were pretty much forced to convert a few years ago. I don't have a problem with the single academy trusts at all, though I'm very sceptical about the big MATs with their expensive CEOs.

Yes, I agree.

About your main point and also about the stupid quotation system!