My son is going to private school and I feel weird when people ask me where he's going

[Bluueberrryy]

Son is starting school this September. When I chat to other mums in the parks or softplay etc we end up chatting about them starting school soon and inevitably someone asks 'whereabouts is he going?'

I always feel awkward like I'd be bragging, but then weird if I lied.

I'm from a lower middle class background and went to a state comprehensive where success and doing well was something to take the piss out of. Perhaps that's made me weird about this.

Anyone else?

Not at all, I actually said above that I might well have used a private school if my dd had been a different child. If you bother to read my posts, you will see that I have also acknowledged that some children would benefit from smaller classes, more attention etc. Naturally, parents will choose the best fit for their children. And for some of us, that is a state school.

I do absolutely believe that private school fees would have been a waste of money for my daughter. Not because I think all private schools are the same - I'm well aware that they're not - but because I'm confident that a state school will more than meet her needs, that she will thrive and excel in that environment and that she will benefit from being in the diverse environment that our local school offers.

Funnily enough, not all state schools are the same either.

The question is OP, are you happy with your choice of school for your child? that’s all that matters. Have you weighed up the pros and cons of choosing a private school, I come from a low ses background and if I were to send my child to a private school it would be big news to my family and to my hometown friends, I would definitely be called a snob etc (not that I care). Paying for school seems insane to me but I blame that on my background. If your background was anything like mine you must have had good, thorough reasons that made you choose a private school since it’s not something that you had experienced growing up.

If I could afford private school I’m not sure I would choose it, I worry that my children would only know rich people, another worry is that private schools often don’t have resources for SEN and therefore my child wouldn’t be mixed with neuro diverse children which I’m not ok with. Also, what if my child was neuro diverse? I know a child with ASD who got kicked out of a private school after a few days, he isn’t aggressive just not terribly academic or conforming. Sad for them really.

It’s just not for me but you need to be confident in your reasons for choosing this school.

Funnily enough, not all state schools are the same either

Well, exactly.

Which is why some parents can’t confidently claim that their local state school would more than meet their child/ren’s needs, and/or that they would thrive and excel in that environment

Trainane How do you come across so many private school parents if they all live in a private school bubble?
I’m sure you enjoy telling them how awful you think they are.

Yes, and I haven't actually denied that. I am not one of those posters who has said that parents are wrong to choose private schools if that's what they think it's the best fit for their kids. In fact, I have repeatedly said that we all do the best that we can for our kids, so I'm not really sure why you're directing that point at me in particular.

Do I think that an awful lot of parents waste money on private schools because of the erroneous assumption that private will be better than state? Absolutely, I do. However, I also fully accept that some parents will choose private for perfectly logical and considered reasons. That might be because there genuinely aren't any good state options in their area. It might be that their child struggles socially and/or academically and needs a smaller environment/more individual attention. It might be because their child lacks drive and needs to be in a pushier environment surrounded by more ambitious peers. It might simply be that the parents find it easier to have all of the extracurricular stuff under one roof rather than having to facilitate it outside school themselves. It might be because a particular school offers something that caters to a particular child's strengths or interests. There are plenty of reasons why people might make a perfectly rational choice, and I have no issue with those at all.

My issue is with those who assume that private schools are always the best option simply because they are private, and with parents like the OP who are smug about their choices and think it somehow makes them better than everyone else.

My issue is with those who assume that private schools are always the best option simply because they are private, and with parents like the OP who are smug about their choices and think it somehow makes them better than everyone else.

I think everyone has an issue with those types of parents - there really is no debate!

Fair enough. Unfortunately, I've seen a lot of parents like that on MN over the years - and quite a few in RL too. There are quite a lot of them!

What about be proud of this?

I'm proud of the fact that my dd is kind and considerate. I'm proud that she is honest and hardworking. I'm proud that she tries her best to help others. I'm proud that she constantly pushes herself outside of her comfort zone. I'm proud that she puts 100% into everything that she does.

I don't feel proud of the fact that she is clever, though. I was clever too, and never saw it as something to be proud of. It wasn't a virtue, I was just lucky that academic work came so easily to me.

Nah!!! I was just happy my DC got by. I didn’t measure them against lofty standards. Didn’t have the time or inclination to think about this stuff. Or write about it on MN regarding how great my parenting is. Anyone who thinks their DC are this close to perfection (snd clever too) is a big time up themselves in my book. For what it’s worth, most DC are perfectly nice people.

I would not judge you negatively for sending your child to private school, we opted against it for many reasons, but you obviously feel it is the better option for them.

There are pros and cons to private and state schools , so I do think you need to acknowledge that it's not private is best, it can be you think it's best for your children but not a blanket private is best.
You are in a privileged position to have that option, providing you acknowledge that privilege and you are not telling other parents their choices are lesser than your own, crack on.

You acknowledge the problem is your own in you very first posts, so I would work on that. You don't want to hold this embarrassment and pass that on to your child whilst still sending them to the school.

Don’t be silly. I think (and hope) that my children don’t need a private education; that doesn’t imply that I think all private schools are the same.

You were happy for your dc to "just get by" and you didn't really care what kind of people they grew into, but you still saw fit to spend thousands of pounds on an expensive education. Right.😂

FWIW, I don't think my dc is perfect at all. She has her flaws, like everyone else, but yes, I'm very happy with the kind of person that she has grown to be. I don't think I'd say that wanting them to become decent human beings is a particularly lofty standard to aspire to?

And no, I don't think my parenting has been all that, either. I've done my best and I've done some things well but I have also fucked up plenty and I sometimes think that dd has turned out well despite my parenting rather than because of it.

I quite agree that most dc are perfectly nice people, regardless of the type of school they go to. I see lots of strengths in dd's friends, and admire different qualities in many of them. I am merely saying that cleverness is not something that I would think to be proud of.... there are other more important things that I consider to be far more worthy of pride.

You were happy for your dc to "just get by" and you didn't really care what kind of people they grew into, but you still saw fit to spend thousands of pounds on an expensive education. Right.😂
Indeed. Strangest arguement for private education I've seen yet.

I’m not ‘being silly’.

And I wasn’t talking to you.

@Mumwantingtogetitright
I didn’t obsess about what sort of people they would be. They had great guidance from their schools and are fine now they are in the big wide world. Everyone has a few bumps along the road but no, I paid £££ for help and guidance and for them to be fulfilled young people. DH and I provided some guidance when needed but they didn’t need much. But I’m not competitive about bringing up the female equivalents of Jesus. Good enough is good enough.

Lol at the female Jesus comment! 🤣

I do actually care about my dd growing up to be a decent person, not in a competitive way at all, but just because I happen to think it's important. Apart from anything else, I think the qualities that I've mentioned - kindness, honesty, hard work, helping others, pushing beyond your comfort zone, giving things your best effort etc - are essential to living a truly happy and fulfilled life.

Fair enough if you would prioritise different things for your dc, but since you mention wanting your them to be fulfilled young people, I'm not sure that we're actually million miles apart in our approach. I'm not buying the idea that you simply didn't care.

I didn’t say I didn’t care at all but I was content they got by without much intervention. I don’t think you can teach being kind either. How do you judge that on a daily basis? It’s a set of Victorian values that schools like to promote. My DDs were just fine. They regulated themselves and I’m delighted to tell you DD1 is a family barrister who does a lot of helping others. But they pay for it. That was a very useful lesson to learn. Know your worth. Have ambition. Don’t be a doormat and don’t let the boys get all the best jobs!

I have been a governor in schools where very occasionally a child showed no remorse after hitting another one. Do you actually think the parents and the school hadn’t espoused kindness as being desirable? Of course they did but some DC are just not wired that way. You only have to look at the prison population to see that. So no, they never had to be paragons of virtue. They had to be good enough. Most parents realise this is fine.

I don't think schools can teach kindness, no. I think they try very hard, and perhaps it helps in some cases, but fundamentally, I think a child has to experience people consistently being kind to them in order to be able to be kind to others. And that mostly starts in the home.

And yes, mine has got by with minimal intervention too - she has been extremely easy to parent in all honesty.

@Johnnysgirl
Why do you think that’s strange? I paid for their education. Paying for kindness, helpfulness, and for them to turn out nicer than other DC simply wasn’t what I paid for. Nor should it be. I’m happy enough that they are ok without me huffing away at them to somehow be better. They are what they are and that’s fine.

Somehow I don’t think the OP is going to come back to this thread. It’s also moved quite far from what it was originally about.

Realistically most people will be entirely indifferent towards which school the OP’s child is going to in September. A handful disapprove of private education but I’ll be amazed if they start lecturing someone in real life.

Hi

Ha ha, fair enough, you’ve proved me wrong.

I hope you have a lovely Sunday.

@Bluueberrryy - Probably better not to explain yourself by saying you went to a state comprehensive where success and doing well was something to take the piss out of - that’s a bit like claiming Eton is a school where the plebs are all laughed at. If you don’t recognise that you have a tendency to think and express yourself in offensive stereotypes, then you only have yourself to blame for your embarrassment. Fwiw, sending your child to a private school has little to do with success or doing well, it’s just a way of choosing how to spend spare cash after essentials have been covered, and one loaded with emotion, because everyone likes to think they are doing their best by their children - doing their best, not using them as status symbols to show how successful they are to have got their kids into a school you have to pay fees for.

@Walkaround if it's just a status symbol then why is the OPs problem that she doesn't like telling other people? And if it's just a status symbol and there's no benefit, surely you should be thanking OP for clearly earning enough to afford the fees (therefore pays a lot of tax into the system), but doesn't use a state school place for her DC.

You're not one of these people who holds the contradicting views that private schools are both of no benefit and also unfair are you?

I totally get the taking-the-piss out of doing well as that was the environment I grew up in. The first of my group of friends to get a job in London was known as 'Frappuccino' for a while after.