Page 10 | My son is going to private school and I feel weird when people ask me where he's going

Bluueberrryy · 2022-05-25T13:52:39+00:00

Son is starting school this September. When I chat to other mums in the parks or softplay etc we end up chatting about them starting school soon and inevitably someone asks 'whereabouts is he going?' I always feel awkward like I'd be bragging, but then weird if I lied. I'm from a lower middle class background and went to a state comprehensive where success and doing well was something to take the piss out of. Perhaps that's made me weird about this. Anyone else?

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Walkaround · 06/06/2022 10:25

@gumballbarry - The OP was the one who brought up success and “doing well,” as though it had any relevance to her choice of school. I said people like to think they are doing their best by their children, not using them as status symbols, which is why the OP should not be talking about success and doing well, because they should be utterly irrelevant - that was the whole point of my post… So you really should be asking the OP why she raised them at all, rather than projecting onto me your weird views about other people having to thank people who use private schools for anything.

Walkaround · 06/06/2022 10:51

So, the real question is, why is the OP going on about success and doing well? Surely she is just doing what she thinks is best for her child, like everyone else, not trying to prove she is successful and doing well? The minute she talks about success and doing well and linking that to her choice of school, she is setting herself up for people to conclude her children would only go to state school if she were unsuccessful and doing badly. As it is an emotive subject, it is therefore not surprising if some people find this aggravating. Why feed them this association in the first place? Presumably all she did, like other parents, was look at all the schools available to her and chose the one she liked the best.

gumballbarry · 06/06/2022 10:52

@Walkaround OP never claimed it had any relevance to her choice of school. She isn't talking about 'success' and 'doing well' to people she meets, she knows it's her mindset that makes her want to avoid revealing her DC goes to private school because 'success' and 'doing well' were something to be embarrassed about. That's what this whole thread is about. So for you to say it's best not to think like that isn't helpful.

And you did show your hand by claiming that the decision to go private is 'loaded with emotion'. I.e: irrational.

gumballbarry · 06/06/2022 10:56

Walkaround · 06/06/2022 10:51

So, the real question is, why is the OP going on about success and doing well? Surely she is just doing what she thinks is best for her child, like everyone else, not trying to prove she is successful and doing well? The minute she talks about success and doing well and linking that to her choice of school, she is setting herself up for people to conclude her children would only go to state school if she were unsuccessful and doing badly. As it is an emotive subject, it is therefore not surprising if some people find this aggravating. Why feed them this association in the first place? Presumably all she did, like other parents, was look at all the schools available to her and chose the one she liked the best.

No, that wasn't the question at all. That was a factor in her mind that makes her feel awkward. Go and re-read the original post rather than building a straw man.

Walkaround · 06/06/2022 10:57

@gumballbarry - absolute bollocks. I said choice of school is an emotive subject, not choosing to send your children to private school is loaded with emotion. It’s just as loaded with emotion to send your children to a particular state school, to choose state over private, or private over state. The emotion comes from the fact parents want to do their best by their children and are sensitive to other people’s perceived judgements on whether or not they are doing that.

Walkaround · 06/06/2022 11:00

@gumballbarry - and my point is, this shouldn’t be a factor in her mind or in her conversations with others, and it’s not remotely surprising it makes her feel awkward if it is. So no straw man - that is the cause of the anxiety she was posting about.

gumballbarry · 06/06/2022 11:19

Walkaround · 06/06/2022 10:57

@gumballbarry - absolute bollocks. I said choice of school is an emotive subject, not choosing to send your children to private school is loaded with emotion. It’s just as loaded with emotion to send your children to a particular state school, to choose state over private, or private over state. The emotion comes from the fact parents want to do their best by their children and are sensitive to other people’s perceived judgements on whether or not they are doing that.

You literally said: "Fwiw, sending your child to a private school has little to do with success or doing well, it’s just a way of choosing how to spend spare cash after essentials have been covered, and one loaded with emotion, because everyone likes to think they are doing their best by their children".

Ok, am I to interpret the above as refering to both state and private schools? because it really doesn't look like it. But if that's what you meant then fair enough.

Nap1983 · 06/06/2022 11:23

Holly60 · 26/05/2022 17:48

I sort of feel you are taking this very personally. The whole point is that different schools suit different children, and that if a child isn't in private school it isn't necessarily just because the parents can't fork out the money.

If you really want to know what I believe private schools can't give to children:

teachers who have actively chosen to work in the state sector (I can outline why I think this is important if you really want but I won't here for the sake of being succinct).
a sense a level playing field. The many children who excel at state school have no sense that their achievements are in fact down to privilege rather than their own talent
a realistic sense of diversity, in its truest sense of the word.
An advantage when it comes to applying to Oxbridge etc.

In my own children's case there was just no point in private school. They excelled in state AND we could fund all the extra curricular activities they wanted to do. There is no way we would still be going on ski holidays now they are adults had we sent them to private school- we couldn't have afforded to go skiing every year as well as fees. Plus things like the horses etc.

Both my children have gotten to where they are now under their own steam, and are very rounded and grounded individuals. we are very proud of them.

BUT as I've said before, state school suited our children, and that was our choice, but it's not objectively the best choice for all children.

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This pretty much sums up my view on it aswell. I could send DD to private school, however she is excelling in “normal”. I could afford private school but choose to spend on extra curricular hobbies, holidays and her pony which I think are all important. My dds friend split from the school group and went to private for secondary… she’s now bullied for being Poor (she’s not lol)
and someone mentioned drugs… don’t get me started on drugs in private schools… rife!!

Walkaround · 06/06/2022 11:24

@gumballbarry - yes, I can see from that selected quote how you could interpret it that way. No, I didn’t mean to say choice of school is only loaded with emotion if you are choosing a private school - that just seems like an unnatural interpretation to me. Why would only the parents of private school children find their choices loaded with emotion, when all parents want to feel they are doing their best by their children?