Please don't 'baby' your children

[pineapple95]

Where do I start?

Parents of my y3/4 class routinely carry their children's bags in, take their lunch bags to the hall, hand in letters and money, put their reading diaries and spelling books in the right places on the right days, linger in the corridor chatting ... for goodness sake MAKE YOUR CHILD LOOK AFTER THEIR STUFF!

7-9 year olds can carry bags and remember books. Don't baby them. Even 3 year olds can carry their bags - don't be that parent who mollycoddles their children.

It's amusing to read snotty posts telling teachers not to tell parents what to do but then telling teaches what their job is. Hypocrisy anyone?

It is our job to teach, you're absolutely right. It's not our job to dress 30+ children or tell 30+ where to put what when they already know. At the age of 7 children should be able to manage these things for themselves (SEN always excepted).

So much of my time in the classroom used to be taken up with stuff that wasn't teaching. For example. If your child cannot tie shoelaces then buy them velcro shoes.

Gosh, our school is hard core. Left at the gate from day 3 of reception. Notes/forms go into book bags. I normally put them in a strong envelope with summary on the front and everything gets to the right place. I do carry their book bags to and from school but they are those stupid ones wth the Velcro closure that loses its stickiness after 4 weeks. I just shove them all in a big bag which j can sling over my shoulder.

What zzzz said ^^ The wonderful and nurturing Primary dd attended encouraged parents in before school for twenty minutes to read and play and learn with their children. It was called family learning time and seemed to build strong relationships between school and home, happy parents and happy children.
FWIW I carried all my children's bags at one point or another and funnily enough now most of them are older and independent with their own homes and lives they carry my bags when we go shopping so hopefully I taught them kindness and consideration by modelling it when they were younger.

I understand the need to develop independence, organisation and self reliance in children as they grow older however I love taking my child (9 to the classroom, giving him a kiss and waving goodbye). He enjoys the reassurance and gesture. Children like adults need guidance reassurance and support and a healthy balance between the two is something many parents work out intuitively.

Hmm. Going back 16 years but when dd was in reception the children had:

Book bag
Water bottle
Packed lunch
PE kit twice a week
Show and Tell on Mondays

Rucksacks not allowed. The two reception staff complained that parents heloed them. They were 4 I suggested they put plastic crates out for lunch and bookbags (bookbags went in a plastic crate). Their response "and who do you expect to take out the crate and then lift it"

They also complained the dc were too slow to get dressed and parebts didn't help. No shit Sherlock, most 4 year olds struggle with buttons and a tie. Simple answer there - give reception and Yr1 a polo shirt or stop moaning - I wrote to the head about thaf.
Helped form my view of primary teachers

Parents didn't help by the way by letting their dc wear leggings and tops and fleeces - before they started school and weren't making them oractice their buttons and ties in the holidays

"If a parent hasn't taught a child to wipe his or her own bottom or change clothes, do the parents expect the teacher to do all that for that child and forget about the job he or she is supposed to be doing and the other 29 children and the reason they are in school?" Yes I've had that request this week. Apparently the child is holding "it" in at school because mum cleans them at home and it's becoming a problem.

Facilitate routines in your classroom, and the spaces outside, where children are able to be responsible and organise their own arrival to school then? It sounds to me like the parents have very little faith that their children will be assisted and so they think they need to go and assist themselves.

This isn't solely down to the parents, you create the situation at school so if you don't like it then change it. They'll soon get used to it and you'll be doing them a favour. I don't think parents particularly enjoy fussy drop offs, it's much nicer to just drop and say bye knowing that you're child is safe and secure.

I have a fiercely independent child who never needed any help with anything from 3. I was discarded as early as possible on the school run. But then this child informed there would be no more nappies at 2 and half and never had an accident. I never wiped her bottom as she did not help. Once she was out of nappies she dressed herself.
Though perversely she had one KS1 teacher who didn't get her because she was so independent. 'I don't understand her she never needs any help'.
Still fiercely independent and self sufficient.

I’m really surprised at some of the replies you’ve had to this Pineapple!

I didn’t see anything controversial in your OP - I would have assumed that raising your children to be independent, organised and responsible is every parent’s aim?

It has nothing to do with “kindness”

As for complaints about “teachers telling us how to parent” What’s wrong with that? Teachers see (and suffer) the consequences of our parenting every day for years and years. Something which might be a small inconvenience at home with one child becomes a serious hindrance in a class with 30 kids - that’s not hard to imagine surely?

You can suddenly decide your kids needs to be magically responsible and organised aged 14 if you haven’t spent the years before building a foundation.

If this thread is an example of the kind of thing you have to put up with from parents Pineapple I’m fairly appalled.

There's absolutely no health benefit whatsoever of letting young children carry heavy bags. It makes health professional cringe and it is proven to be horrible for their backs.

I do judge adults when I see little kids carrying their school bag, their book bag, their PE kit and their sport kit whilst mummy or daddy has their hands in their pockets. Manners and common decency cost nothing.

It's true that my parents were a lot less involved with the school day than I am. The truth was that the classes were much smaller, the teacher knew who we were and had the time and opportunity to treat us pupil individually. I am that old that I remember the primary school teachers dropping off homework when we were off sick and requested a stay at home for longer than 1 or 2 days.

I don't expect teachers to do any of that, I don't blame them for the conditions they are given and the pressure they are under. I am just pointing out that parents realise that their child is only one among 30 and there's no time or will to give him any guidance and there will be only general teaching. Babyish them is not the solution, but you can see why the parents are concerned.

We weren't allowed in the school by year 3 - they lined up in the playground unless additional needs. Lunchboxes were sometimes put in by parents (separate building) only because they were running late!

Thank you to those parents who understand that their children need to look after their own things in school.

Yeah - because it's that simple

I understand my DS needs look after his stuff in school.

I also understand that he needs help to learn how to do that and break the remembering down.

So you may see me taking things out of his bag before he goes in so that he remembers to put them in the right place (otherwise he'll just leave them in his bag all day). You may also see me checking with him what he's remembered at the end of the day, and him going back for whatever he's forgotten.

There's a range of ability at age 7, and plenty of them still find it hard to organise themselves. It's a developmental process, and varies in individuals (not to mention those with additional needs).

To be honest, your OP just makes you sound like a slightly rubbish, judgy teacher. The good ones will recognise that, for every child that's "babied", there are plenty more who are working hard on it and making progress, and need some help along the way from parents and (god forbid) teachers.

The ‘what harm does it do to be kind’ is easily answered - it sets your kid up to fail at secondary school, where it’s likely to cost them a detention or a demerit. Much better to forget your homework at 7yo with a teacher who knows you and will probably just say kindly that you must remember it tomorrow.

At the latest parents evening, my Y6 dd’s teacher said she was ready for secondary school and should have no trouble with the transition. Not because of her academic work, but because she is (now, after years of practice) able to remember her stuff, organise her time and take responsibility for herself and others.

I had a lollipop man tell me I should be carrying ds's bookbag. I didn't say anything to him but if I had it would have been "No, the OT said HE should be carrying his bag as it would help strengthen his fingers". MY hands are strong enough thanks, although a bookbag is not actually heavy and ds can manage it without difficulty.

I do think OP that your school needs to change its policy with regard to allowing parents in. Drop off in the playground should be manageable for the vast majority of children, and gradually learning to manage more and more of their responsibilities should also be achievable for children without any SN.

Our school also does not encourage parents to bring items that children have forgotten up to school as removing the consequences does not teach children anything. (SN excepted).

I wouldn't actually want to be in my child's class doing little things for them "because I enjoy it". I want to do what is in my child's best interests, not what's fun for me. Let them get on with it, it's good for them

PS I completely agree about stuff like sending them in lace-ups if they can't do them, teaching them to do zips at home, etc.

I'm just saying that organisational skills are a bit more complicated, and some parental involvement in breaking those things down doesn't necessarily equate to babying.

I agree with you OP and think parents who mollycoddle their DC are doing them no favours as one day they'll have to learn to look after themselves ... or maybe they'll become those adults who still need their parents to do everything for them?

I do hand money in to the office though, simply because my DC never remember to hand in anything from their bags - it comes back home day after day and would never get handed in if I left it up to them. I also go and search for lost items, because again they never find them and I usually do and I'm not bloody buying new ones when the old ones are just in the wrong locker or left in the changing room.

School uniforms should be straightforward: ties for primary school children are anachronistic and should be outlawed. Long sleeved t-shirts and pull on trousers are perfect for small DC.

Oh lord, I have a full house bingo card already, How are teachers supposed to teach when most of their class are sitting like useless lumps unable to do the slightest task for themselves? And if a child forgets a water bottle or jumper, what’s the worst that could happen? (I’m waiting now for a poster to pop up and tell me that their kid was admitted to A&E with dehydration after they forgot their water bottle....)

Very glad our school has a no parent inside policy - right from the first day of Reception. It is not kind to infantalise your children. Children are capable of far more than many people give them credit for.

Teachers are not Gorgons out to make your child miserable. The vast, vast majority of adults working in school will happily do everything they can to assist a child who needs help; they just can’t do it when about three quarters of a normal class can’t do the basics because their parents think it’s being kind to baby them, and therefore can’t remember where their cost goes, or to remember their homework book.

And whilst you’re at it, for the love that all that is holy teach your child some table manners. The amount of children eating with their fingers and drinking gravy off their plate is disgusting. Yes, I do judge, and no, there is no excuse for most children.

According to my DDs class mums I'm the horrid strict parent becuase I make her do all these things herself!

The ‘what harm does it do to be kind’ is easily answered - it sets your kid up to fail at secondary school, where it’s likely to cost them a detention or a demerit

It isn’t all or nothing though is it.

We won’t get far in relationships if we are black and white, no give and take.

I would rather listen and be sensitive to a child than just take a blanket approach.

That’s because I came from a shitty home where I had to do homework off my own back, with no support, some days I didn’t even have enough bus fare for school because my alcoholic mother had drank it all.

These are still children and are still learning. They can be reminded and taught kindly.

It isn’t kind to do things for children that they can and should do for themselves. It isn’t kind not to teach children the skills they need to do things for themselves. It is kind to gently impart independence as soon as possible.

@pissedonatrain they make cups of tea and coffee and bring them to us in bed in the mornings. At the weekends they cook breakfast for the family, in the evening DS2 always leaves my toothbrush next to the sink with paste on it. They are both very good at shoulder and head massages when I’m tired and they carry shopping bags, ferry stuff up and downstairs, fetch things from the second pantry for DH when he can’t manage the stairs (arthritis), find fun stuff for us in computer games - they rock ❤️

believeitornot I agree - I support, model, encourage, teach methods for remembering stuff, teach skills like doing shoelaces. But that’s different to doing it for them - I don’t carry book bags, they fill in the forms for school for me to sign, they pack their own sports kit on the right days (I check it’s there) etc.

I can see why you would want the opposite of your childhood for your kids - it must be tricky.

My daughter’s nursery insisted that once the children moved to the pre-school room (they had a baby room for under 2s, a toddler room for 2-3 and a pre-school room for 3+) they were expected to say carry their own bags, goodbye to parents at the door, walk in, take off shoes and coat, hang them up on pegs and take themselves into the classroom unaided. Teachers were always on hand to help if it was needed but they preferred for a child to take 10 minutes doing it all for themselves than to have someone do it for them.

I think it’s a great idea, my daughter started Reception in September and from day one has walked confidently into the classroom every day without a backwards glance.