Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

daughter accused of sexual act..help!!

285 replies

cezzer1 · 13/11/2011 15:02

My daughter, 7, made an inappropriate comment to an older boy aged 9 in the playground in front of her piers. She said "I'm going to bite your willy". She pretended to chase him and inadvertently licked him on the knee. The boy then kept asking her for a week or so to be his girlfriend and kept blowing her kisses, which led to her ignoring him on the playground. 6 weeks later the boys mother wrote in to his teacher saying her son was traumatised by the comments and implied my daughter had licked her son on the genitalia area of his trousers. The school never called me in and simply told me in a brief 8 minute meeting after school, due to the teacher having prior commitments and needing to rush off. I was left in tears. they had dealt with it and my daughter had had to apologise to the boy in front of classmates, although out of earshot and had also had to write him a letter. My daughter was only asked if she made the comment, which she admitted truthfully and if she licked him on the trousers, which she also admitted truthfully. However as an adult I understand the implied behaviour behind this and when it was explained to her people thought she had intentionally tried to lick his genitalia area, she went to pieces and severely broke down absolutely incredulous at the accusation. At 7 she has no concept of the act she is accused of and in her version it was a comment made to look big in front of her friends at a time when her friendship group was experiencing problems, a situation the school have had to monitor and are aware, and the act was a playful chase and the boys genitalia was not touched neither was it intended to be. I was never called to help my child through a serious accusation before she was found guilty of it and I have had to wait four long days before I can speak to anyone about it. This lad has an obvious crush on my daughter having told all his friends "she's his" and this has not been reciprocated, she's only 7, and it took 6 weeks for the lad to come forward, in the meantime he was still pursuing my daughter and obviously not traumatised but possibly annoyed at my daughter's reluctance to return his affections. What are my rights here. She's a gifted and talented register student who has twice been bullied at the school and suffers from an underlying confidence problem, although gregarious to the outsider. I believe this to be the reason for her silly comments of which I do Not condone, but the act she is said to have done I fully dispute both the accusation and the way it was handled and the lack of concern for my daughters well being in all of this. In addition if this becomes public throughout the school, her reputation will be blighted.

OP posts:
cory · 13/11/2011 15:11

I fully understand that your dd did not understand the implications of what she said or did.

But the bit I don't get from your OP is what punishment the school has meted out that is so dreadful and showing lack of concern for your dd. They have made her apologise. They have explained that she has behaved in an inappropriate manner. Isn't that more or less what you would expect for a bit of over rough playground behaviour?

And where does her being g&t come in?

tbh her reputation will depend on whether anyone heard her make the willy comments or not- highly unlikely that the teachers will go nattering on about it in public

anyway it will be forgotten and blow over and she has now learnt that certain areas are private (why hadn't she been taught this?)

cory · 13/11/2011 15:16

Have they said that they are going to take any further action? If not, surely the matter can be regarded as closed? And if they do refer it to Social Services you will just have to explain the background calmly and make it clear that it was a lack of understanding on your dd's part.

catsareevil · 13/11/2011 15:21

It seems a little odd that she says that she threatemed to bit him, but broke down when it was said that she had licked him on the trousers?

Is there more to this situation than you have posted? I'm finding it hard from your OP to work out what happened, and what specifically your issue is with things?

cezzer1 · 13/11/2011 15:24

She was made to apologise in class for an act she did not do. The lad involved had told his mother she had touched him in the genitalia area, which she did not. The teachers asked her if she touched him on the trousers, implying the genitalia area..they never asked her where exactly or even why. Given the seriousness of that accusation, I should have immediately been called into school. I would have if she'd been fighting. She touched him on the knee, there was no intention to do what she was accused of. I have no problem with her punishment and apology for the comment. There I'm in complete agreement, but the act was the serious matter and she was given no chance to fully understand what she was admitting to. That's my problem. Kids talk and this will get out and she now feels completely ashamed and devastated by this matter. My feeling is that this has been handled really poorly and unfairly. The lad took 6 weeks to accuse her of this and in the meantime continued to seek to play with her. hardly the actions of a traumatised child. I have to finally meet with the school tomorrow to have my say and was wondering if anyone had any solid and helpful advice.

OP posts:
MindtheGappp · 13/11/2011 15:25

She sounds very precocious to talk about biting his willy and the licking his leg.

Where does this come from?

TeamDamon · 13/11/2011 15:25

What are your rights with regard to what? Your daughter behaved in an ill-judged way and has been told off - but you seem to be turning it into a right drama!

How would you have felt if the situations had been reversed and your daughter had told you that this boy had made inappropriate comments to her and licked her? I am sure you would have expected the school to deal with it, just as they have dealt with your daughter.

By the way, how on earth do you inadvertently lick someone on the knee?

KatieMiddIeton · 13/11/2011 15:27

I don't understand the need to get a 7 year old to publicly apologize for an incident that happened over 6 weeks ago. It seems designed to humiliate rather than achieve anything constructive.

It also sounds like there was a misunderstanding about what happened when questioning her. I would be unhappy that the investigation and punishment was decided without me, as her parent being involved.

I think you need to have a conversation with the school about what they think actually happened, how they handled it and what to do going forward.

scaevola · 13/11/2011 15:28

I'm trying to work out what the difference is between "pretending to chase" and actually chasing, and how you accidentally lick someone during a chase.

I suspect there are further angles to this. Especially as at no point does the school appear to be treating this as a sexual incident. How do you know what the boy told his mother anyhow?

Mum1369 · 13/11/2011 15:28

I understand why you are annoyed and rightly so. Given the time lapse between the incident and the action. The school obviously did not think the letter nor the incident was that serious, which is probably why you were not called in. However, as you say, once the wider implications were explained to your daughter, she was obviously mortified (in context of course). it's a difficult age where some in the class are more aware than others and some are wholly innocent and just starting to understand boundaries/ differences etc
If your daughter was already having confidence issues then I do think the teacher could and should have dealt with this more appropriately, getting your input prior to speaking to your daughter. It's the time delay that has made it more of an issue I think.
I would go back and book some time to speak to the teacher, explain your concerns moving forward and ask her to suggest a strategy for ensuring your daughter can move on from this, and the rest of the class too. A small class on appropriate behaviour, how we should treat each other etc etc. It shouldn't be a long term problem as long as they nip it in the bud now.

catsareevil · 13/11/2011 15:29

She licked him on the knee and 6 weeks later he tells a teacher and they deal with it like this?
Are you sure that you know exactly what happened?

cezzer1 · 13/11/2011 15:31

I would like to add that my daughter IS 7, and therefore doesn't understand the implications of what she's being accused of. To her the trouser incident was a playful grab, she was amongst her piers and everyone laughed. The thought of touching him where she's accused of never entered her head, she made a silly comment and then did a silly playful chase action. I see her do it with her sister. She is by no means perfect but I know when she's lying. And I have been over and over with her the details and on this she remains resolute. I just feel she never had the chance to explain what went on. It's her word against his. She's been truthful throughout knowing punishment was coming so why lie about this. I understand how you can make the connection but i guess my main grievance was I was never called into the school and was told over an 8 minute time slot and then left.

OP posts:
mrz · 13/11/2011 15:32

Without wanting to distress you further but the school should in fact report this behaviour as a concern to child protection

rainbowinthesky · 13/11/2011 15:33

I would be very concerned if a boy did this to my dd. She threatened to bite his penis then licked him on his trousers - I dont see it as a sexual act at all but certainly she needs to know it's inappropriate.

cezzer1 · 13/11/2011 15:34

Mum1369 thankyou, I'm meeting them tomorrow and I too find the gap odd and perplexing. My girl can be a pain in the butt but she's one of the good kids normally so thank you for your understanding.

OP posts:
Mum1369 · 13/11/2011 15:34

Mrz....you've got to be kidding right?

cezzer1 · 13/11/2011 15:37

Trust me my daughter has been punished for being inappropriate but it's the handling and insinuation that I object to. I know how it looks and if we were talking about secondary kids or even year 6's then maybe sexual assumptions could be presumed but we're not. She's just gone into year 3 and he's Year 4.

OP posts:
mrz · 13/11/2011 15:38

No I'm absolutely serious and speaking from experience

cory · 13/11/2011 15:39

doesn't sound a very public apology if they were out of earshot of the other kids

school clearly had to do something as the boy's mother was upset

the time lapse is explained by the fact they didn't know about it, but now it has been raised and they have to be seen to deal with it

the comment she made was inappropriate though obviously not as bad as the other mother made out - but I would have expected mine to have received a reprimand at that age

basically, I think it is now in your hands if this incident is allowed to die or becomes blown up all out of proportion.

cezzer1 · 13/11/2011 15:39

Mrz they should if they were concerned about me as a parent but they're not so please try to keep your comments helpful.

OP posts:
mrz · 13/11/2011 15:42

cezzer it has nothing to do with you as a parent

KatieMiddIeton · 13/11/2011 15:42

That public apology really bothers me. Why? It makes an insignificant event significant, it humiliates the child and blames her. Especially as it's an event that happened weeks ago and probably most children don't remember.

Would it really be referred to child protection just based on that one incident? Obviously patterns of behaviour are different as are extreme incidents but this all just seems a bit of silly playing on the part of a naive seven year old.

Mum1369 · 13/11/2011 15:43

I could understand it,if it was ongoing inappropriate behaviour, but for a one off incident it would seem a bit heavy handed and a waste of resources. Surely the school would have some discretion, given that they know the child?

mrz · 13/11/2011 15:43

or the age of the children involved

cory · 13/11/2011 15:43

all children I know know from about age 4 or 5 (because they have been told) that grabbing private body parts is not permissible and that you will get in trouble for that

they can know that long before they need to understand about child protection issues

KatieMiddIeton · 13/11/2011 15:44

Oh, was there not a public apology? That would make more sense!