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daughter accused of sexual act..help!!

285 replies

cezzer1 · 13/11/2011 15:02

My daughter, 7, made an inappropriate comment to an older boy aged 9 in the playground in front of her piers. She said "I'm going to bite your willy". She pretended to chase him and inadvertently licked him on the knee. The boy then kept asking her for a week or so to be his girlfriend and kept blowing her kisses, which led to her ignoring him on the playground. 6 weeks later the boys mother wrote in to his teacher saying her son was traumatised by the comments and implied my daughter had licked her son on the genitalia area of his trousers. The school never called me in and simply told me in a brief 8 minute meeting after school, due to the teacher having prior commitments and needing to rush off. I was left in tears. they had dealt with it and my daughter had had to apologise to the boy in front of classmates, although out of earshot and had also had to write him a letter. My daughter was only asked if she made the comment, which she admitted truthfully and if she licked him on the trousers, which she also admitted truthfully. However as an adult I understand the implied behaviour behind this and when it was explained to her people thought she had intentionally tried to lick his genitalia area, she went to pieces and severely broke down absolutely incredulous at the accusation. At 7 she has no concept of the act she is accused of and in her version it was a comment made to look big in front of her friends at a time when her friendship group was experiencing problems, a situation the school have had to monitor and are aware, and the act was a playful chase and the boys genitalia was not touched neither was it intended to be. I was never called to help my child through a serious accusation before she was found guilty of it and I have had to wait four long days before I can speak to anyone about it. This lad has an obvious crush on my daughter having told all his friends "she's his" and this has not been reciprocated, she's only 7, and it took 6 weeks for the lad to come forward, in the meantime he was still pursuing my daughter and obviously not traumatised but possibly annoyed at my daughter's reluctance to return his affections. What are my rights here. She's a gifted and talented register student who has twice been bullied at the school and suffers from an underlying confidence problem, although gregarious to the outsider. I believe this to be the reason for her silly comments of which I do Not condone, but the act she is said to have done I fully dispute both the accusation and the way it was handled and the lack of concern for my daughters well being in all of this. In addition if this becomes public throughout the school, her reputation will be blighted.

OP posts:
mjinprechristmasfrenzy · 13/11/2011 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MigratingCoconuts · 13/11/2011 16:40

Its not OTT is it does catch an abused child and mrz is right, these are not the teacher's decision to make. They are duty bound to pass it on and leave decision making further up the line with someone who has more information to go on.

Sadly, the fact that we don't personally experience abuse doesn't mean that it isn't going on.

In this case, however, I think the best posts were the ones about op needing to explain to dd that her comments were inappropriate and that its easy to see why the boy thoughtshe was trying to lick his willy. Your dd needs to learn where the line is. She might not have meant it, but thats not really the point is it?

mrz · 13/11/2011 16:44

It's why regardless of personal feelings every incident has to be taken seriously and can't be dismissed as toilet humour

TravellerForEver · 13/11/2011 16:45

I agree but then when someone is making you uneasy because she/he has said something you don't like, you don't then spend quite a bit of time looking for that person. You tend to avoid him/her, just as the OP's dd did when the boy was chassing her and she didn't want that attention.

IMHO there is some learning to do on both sides, the boy and the Op's dd.

KatieMiddIeton · 13/11/2011 16:48

I think it is sensible to document it on the CP register and the way to handle a one-off incident that appears to be toilet humour is to treat it as toilet humour. Usually telling off; not pleasant, people getting the wrong idea etc etc.

In my previous work life I had a reporting duty, not CP but same reporting and investigating principles. I and my team were expected to report anything suspicious. We were not expected to investigate it and no sanctions were made against those involved (we weren't allowed to even let on we'd noticed anything suspicious) but we had a legal obligation to report. It was then up to someone else to investigate. CP register doesn't look any different to me.

MindtheGappp · 13/11/2011 16:50

cory, I wouldn't take action with everything a child says. As I have said, I would file some info away. If there was a worrying pattern forming, then I might take it further.

I don't think eating poo is a child protection issue, although I am very willing to being enlightened.

mrz · 13/11/2011 16:53

TravellerForEver unfortunately a three year old can be an abuser as his victims discovered ... he can also be the victim of abuse

istilllovelassie · 13/11/2011 16:53

Mrz I'd stop spending your nights crying and concentrate on doing a proper job. Your over reaction and over sensitivity dont seem to fit with the kind of person I would hope would be employed as a CPLO. Neither does does posting totally unrelated unsubstantiated links to inflame the situation.

Mum1369 · 13/11/2011 16:56

Just wanted to say (cezzer appears to have gone for a glass of wine..good call!) hope all goes well with the meeting with the teacher. Be calm but be firm. Focus on how this can be fixed, not what has already passed. I think you will find that the teacher really didn't see it as a huge issue and dealt with it (therefore) by not consulting you first. She should not have dropped this on you then ran...unforgivable. But, take a deep breath and focus on next steps. By the sound of it they are quite happy / fond of your daughter, turn it into how they boost her confidence and get her past this. And good luck, sorry you have had such a hard time

mrz · 13/11/2011 16:57

It was not my intention to inflame istilllovelassie

mummytime · 13/11/2011 16:59

I have had friends who are social workers, and from what they have told me and I have learnt in CP training; if you have a child of 3 who is an "abuser" you almost certainly have a child of 3 who is "abused".

When I was at school in the dark ages, there was a lot of child abuse which was not reported (and our teachers ignored/were blind to). This is why things should be reported in the correct way.

Mum1369 · 13/11/2011 17:01

Mrz , I'm more than happy to admit my mistakes. But you can't refer to a three yr old as an abuser. It's just wrong. It implies understanding. And surely, if that 3 yr old has exhibited any kind of inappropriate behaviour, then it follows that he has been abused himself ? I do understand what you are saying but the terminology is awful, but perhaps that's the language you have to use to differentiate? (hoping this is the case)

beingarebel · 13/11/2011 17:06

Mrz link is so terribly sad Sad.

Joblerone1 · 13/11/2011 17:06

Failing to report a child protection issue and 'filing' it to the back of your mind would almost certainly be a disciplinary matter. It's not a teacher's decision to make.

One case here

mrz · 13/11/2011 17:06

Mum1369 I'm sorry if the term offends you what would you like me to use instead?

teacherwith2kids · 13/11/2011 17:10

MindtheGapp, when did you last do CP training (just asking because I know you're not in the state sector and so may be trained less often?).

Certainly in the most recent training I went on they were very clear that no teacher should be keeping their own 'filing', either in their mind or elsewhere.

Mum1369 · 13/11/2011 17:11

Doesn't it offend you? I'm really not trying to inflame your comments. It just sounds wrong, doesn't it? What I was trying to say...is that the language you have to use,from a technical perspective to differentiate who is harming who - ie, it's not emotive language that you are using, simply what you are using from a cplo perspective?

MindtheGappp · 13/11/2011 17:12

Not everything is a validated child protection issue. There are grey areas where individuals make judgements.

Please comment on the Y10 who says 'fuck' and tell me that this is a reportable CP issue.

MindtheGappp · 13/11/2011 17:13

Tw2K,

I did CP training in school 2 years ago, at church and with Guides 1 year ago. Your point?

I don't think I ever learnt that we shoud over-react.

beingarebel · 13/11/2011 17:13

I went on CP training just this last week. No teacher should be filing something like that. We were definatly told you shouldn't be thinking about reporting, if you think you might need to report you should report.

mrz · 13/11/2011 17:15

It's very sad and not an idea anyone is comfortable with. We expect young children to be innocent and it's hard to accept but in the eyes of this child's victims and their parents and the court he is a young abuser

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 13/11/2011 17:16

I can't believe that some of you haven't seen/heard of this kind of thing before. Licking is common and just another way kids annoy/gross each other out. To a normal 7 year old saying I'll bite your willy is just stupid talk, toilet talk, and is not indicative of having watched porn fgs. It's no different to them saying I'm going to bite your nose off...

OP - I would be annoyed too at the way this has been handled and I would want them to be well aware of DD's distress at being accused of, and having to own up to, something she didn't understand.

A lot of stuff is taken far too seriously these days and kids just need telling not to be so daft.

LunarRose · 13/11/2011 17:17

I hope OP that you take this seriously and have a proper word with your daughter about appropriate language and behaviour to others. Whether or not she understood in the same context as we do, I don't think matters. I think what your daughter said was still aggressive and completely inappropriate before it even got to the licking stage (regardless of whether it was the leg or genitals)

I am disgusted by teachers thinking that this should not be reported, it absolutely should. It's not up to us as teachers to judge whether inappropriate behaviour is a symptom of abuse, that is why we have the child protection reporting system.

OP can I suggest that going into the meeting at school at this point with criticism of the teacher, the handling of the situation or other student will not be your best course of action right now. I would go in saying your daughter is very sorry about the incident and you have had a firm word with her about appropriate language and behaviour and that you hope to draw a line under the incident. I think go in with the comments on here and you could be making far more trouble for yourself than the incident is worth.

In the end your daughter said/did something wrong, she was punished. time to move on.

MindtheGappp · 13/11/2011 17:20

So, we have a polarised opinion - those who think it is nothing/normal etc etc. And those who think it is masking child abuse.

Somewhere in between there are those people who think it is something on the continuum of normal but worth keeping a weather eye on. It is something pretty easily monitored by building a relationship with the child.

I think if you are the kind of person to see suspicion in everything, it is time to step back.

The OP must be horrified at the implications of this thread. I am sorry about any contributions I have made towards any horror/fear etc. If your DD has too much knowledge of sexual matters, you will know exactly where this is coming from and can put it right. If it is natural rough and tumble, you have nothing to worry about. Mumsnet jury is worth every penny spent.

KatieMiddIeton · 13/11/2011 17:21

Thank god for Chipping and Cory, I was beginning to think I was losing my grip a bit!

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