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daughter accused of sexual act..help!!

285 replies

cezzer1 · 13/11/2011 15:02

My daughter, 7, made an inappropriate comment to an older boy aged 9 in the playground in front of her piers. She said "I'm going to bite your willy". She pretended to chase him and inadvertently licked him on the knee. The boy then kept asking her for a week or so to be his girlfriend and kept blowing her kisses, which led to her ignoring him on the playground. 6 weeks later the boys mother wrote in to his teacher saying her son was traumatised by the comments and implied my daughter had licked her son on the genitalia area of his trousers. The school never called me in and simply told me in a brief 8 minute meeting after school, due to the teacher having prior commitments and needing to rush off. I was left in tears. they had dealt with it and my daughter had had to apologise to the boy in front of classmates, although out of earshot and had also had to write him a letter. My daughter was only asked if she made the comment, which she admitted truthfully and if she licked him on the trousers, which she also admitted truthfully. However as an adult I understand the implied behaviour behind this and when it was explained to her people thought she had intentionally tried to lick his genitalia area, she went to pieces and severely broke down absolutely incredulous at the accusation. At 7 she has no concept of the act she is accused of and in her version it was a comment made to look big in front of her friends at a time when her friendship group was experiencing problems, a situation the school have had to monitor and are aware, and the act was a playful chase and the boys genitalia was not touched neither was it intended to be. I was never called to help my child through a serious accusation before she was found guilty of it and I have had to wait four long days before I can speak to anyone about it. This lad has an obvious crush on my daughter having told all his friends "she's his" and this has not been reciprocated, she's only 7, and it took 6 weeks for the lad to come forward, in the meantime he was still pursuing my daughter and obviously not traumatised but possibly annoyed at my daughter's reluctance to return his affections. What are my rights here. She's a gifted and talented register student who has twice been bullied at the school and suffers from an underlying confidence problem, although gregarious to the outsider. I believe this to be the reason for her silly comments of which I do Not condone, but the act she is said to have done I fully dispute both the accusation and the way it was handled and the lack of concern for my daughters well being in all of this. In addition if this becomes public throughout the school, her reputation will be blighted.

OP posts:
MindtheGappp · 13/11/2011 17:46

crystal,

The point of reporting is that somewhere along the line any pattern can emerge. For example, if there are incidents at school, they can be logged. If there are further incidents at Brownies, they can be logged. If the child goes to the doctor with worrying marks, they can be logged.

Instead of each contact putting it down as an isolated incident, all the brains together can form a pattern, even with tiny titbits of info (such as an odd word in the playground).

There have been high profile CP cases in recent years where isolated incidents were not joined up, and suspicions were not followed through. The current CP reporting systems are meant to avoid this.

mrz · 13/11/2011 17:46

MindtheGappp I'm afraid you are being very naive and I really hope you are able to remain that way

DownbytheRiverside · 13/11/2011 17:47

'Somewhere in between there are those people who think it is something on the continuum of normal but worth keeping a weather eye on. It is something pretty easily monitored by building a relationship with the child.'

Agree.

LunarRose · 13/11/2011 17:47

And actually whether you talk about it with the child and then you don't report it you are doing far worse by the child that not talking about it with the child and reporting it.

MindtheGappp · 13/11/2011 17:48

It is my decision to make, lunar, which is why I would not report a Y10 who said 'fuck'. To ignore this is making a judgment, which I am sure others would also make.

OhDoAdmit · 13/11/2011 17:48

amazed and disgusted?

Children get giddy and silly because they are children.

If a grown up threatened to bite someone's willy and looked like they meant it, you might have a point.

Or if there were other red flags and this was not a one off incident.

I have a lot of CP training in various settings and this is not ringing any alarm bells for me at all.

One of my DSs goes to a special school. There are lots of silly, inappropriate words being flung about. Whilst it is entirely sensible to keep an eye on this stuff and to discourage it, it would be ridiculous to treat every incident as a potential CP issue.

MindtheGappp · 13/11/2011 17:49

Next post, lunar...

If my colleagues had similar suspicions, I would absolutely get to know about them because I talk to my colleages. We actually do discuss pupil concerns at coffee time and in meetings. That might be just my school though.

mrz · 13/11/2011 17:53

So you are happy to share concerns in the staff room but not to speak to the designated CP officer/teacher? Is he/she not a colleague?

MindtheGappp · 13/11/2011 17:55

Of course the CPLO is a colleage. There is no point in having someone distant and unconnected to the school.

mrz · 13/11/2011 17:56

Then why wouldn't you tell them?

KatieMiddIeton · 13/11/2011 17:57

Sounds a bit arrogant to me MindtheGappp

Hope the poor OP is ok. I'm not surprised she's not slept after being hauled in and then bundled out in 8 minutes and with an upset child. OP, if you're still about hope you're having a nice glass of wine and have an early night ready for tomorrow. I bet it won't be half as bad as you're imagining.

crystalglasses · 13/11/2011 17:58

Mindthe gapp - I understand the idea behind joined up working but really - this is heavyhanded stuff. Surely a better way would be to make sure the whole school knows that this sort of siliness won't be tolerated.

How long do these records last? Do they follow the children round to secondary school? When do they get scrubbed off - when they've turned eighteen? Or never? If an adult was accused of a sexually related crime would an isolated willy incident at 7 be taken into account?

teacherwith2kids · 13/11/2011 17:59

So your school's procedure would be to collect any concerns mentally, chat about them in the staffroom to see if anyone else has any concerns too, and then if they do, pass the whole 'bundle' on the the CPLO?

Rather than you each passing them directly to the CPLO as soon as they happen?

sabrinathemiddleagedwitch · 13/11/2011 17:59

"it was a comment made to look big in front of her friends"

"my daughter had had to apologise to the boy in front of classmates, although out of earshot"

I know the thread has been sidetracked somewhat but I honestly don't see what is wrong with this 'punishment'. I wouldn't have though it needed a longer than 8 minute meeting.

LunarRose · 13/11/2011 18:00

What teacherwith2kids said

MindtheGappp · 13/11/2011 18:01

well, if they were there, they would know. I tend to share things with other teaching staff and key pastoral staff. I would not make a formal notification to the CPLO for something that is 'potty mouth', but I might mention it subject teachers.

Believe it or not, I don't think the CPLO is some magical catch all for all pupil concerns. She deals with concerns on a much more formal basis. I think all of the teaching staff share the same duty of care and we are also able to make judgments. I happen to know several students far better than the CPLO. If there were a concern, it is more likely that she would come to me for more info.

MindtheGappp · 13/11/2011 18:02

Good questions, crystal glasses. I don't know the answers.

Mum1369 · 13/11/2011 18:02

What mtg said

mrz · 13/11/2011 18:03

or perhaps she'd just file it away and ignore it

MindtheGappp · 13/11/2011 18:04

Tw2K, it depends on the nature of the concerns.

There is no checklist for this in my school. We know our kids, we deal appropriately and do our best for them.

They will never, ever be part of a tick box exercise where no one actually knows them or their situations.

MindtheGappp · 13/11/2011 18:05

Who said anything about ignore?

I hope that is not how you deal with things.

I hope you are not so melodramatic in real life either.

LunarRose · 13/11/2011 18:07

I'm so glad that a child questionable behaviour would be passed round the teaching staff and not notified to the person whose job it is to be notified Hmm

Where was the child protection lecture I missed that recommended this as good practice?

teacherwith2kids · 13/11/2011 18:07

I don't think I ever said anything about a tick box... I work in a small rural primary where every child is known intimately so it would never be that kind of exercise.

I am just trying to make the point that it is a teacher's duty, AS WELL AS exercising pastoral care to all the children in our care, to pass on any CP concerns, however minor, to the CPLO in a timely manner. How can she come to you to find out about a child if you have never told her there are any concerns? It's not a CPLO's job to go round asking 'does anyone have concerns about little Jimmy, is there anything you want to tell me', it is a teacher's job to pass all concerns pro-actively to the CPLO

LunarRose · 13/11/2011 18:08

Sabrina - neither do I. the punishment seems to me to be appropriate and somewhat lenient if anything

Feenie · 13/11/2011 18:09

And most children, in most schools, will not be vulnerable because a single teacher thinks that she knows better than to follow correct CP procedure. Thank goodness.

The tick box thing is a red herring, MTG - you seem to think that reporting concerns precludes any kind of 'knowing your children' or 'doing what's best for them'. We are constantly subject to all kinds of heartbreak to do with CP issues in our school - and I think we do our best for those children by caring for them and by following procedures, not presuming that we are above following them.

You don't piss about with CP issues, fgs. The consequences can be too greatAngry

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