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daughter accused of sexual act..help!!

285 replies

cezzer1 · 13/11/2011 15:02

My daughter, 7, made an inappropriate comment to an older boy aged 9 in the playground in front of her piers. She said "I'm going to bite your willy". She pretended to chase him and inadvertently licked him on the knee. The boy then kept asking her for a week or so to be his girlfriend and kept blowing her kisses, which led to her ignoring him on the playground. 6 weeks later the boys mother wrote in to his teacher saying her son was traumatised by the comments and implied my daughter had licked her son on the genitalia area of his trousers. The school never called me in and simply told me in a brief 8 minute meeting after school, due to the teacher having prior commitments and needing to rush off. I was left in tears. they had dealt with it and my daughter had had to apologise to the boy in front of classmates, although out of earshot and had also had to write him a letter. My daughter was only asked if she made the comment, which she admitted truthfully and if she licked him on the trousers, which she also admitted truthfully. However as an adult I understand the implied behaviour behind this and when it was explained to her people thought she had intentionally tried to lick his genitalia area, she went to pieces and severely broke down absolutely incredulous at the accusation. At 7 she has no concept of the act she is accused of and in her version it was a comment made to look big in front of her friends at a time when her friendship group was experiencing problems, a situation the school have had to monitor and are aware, and the act was a playful chase and the boys genitalia was not touched neither was it intended to be. I was never called to help my child through a serious accusation before she was found guilty of it and I have had to wait four long days before I can speak to anyone about it. This lad has an obvious crush on my daughter having told all his friends "she's his" and this has not been reciprocated, she's only 7, and it took 6 weeks for the lad to come forward, in the meantime he was still pursuing my daughter and obviously not traumatised but possibly annoyed at my daughter's reluctance to return his affections. What are my rights here. She's a gifted and talented register student who has twice been bullied at the school and suffers from an underlying confidence problem, although gregarious to the outsider. I believe this to be the reason for her silly comments of which I do Not condone, but the act she is said to have done I fully dispute both the accusation and the way it was handled and the lack of concern for my daughters well being in all of this. In addition if this becomes public throughout the school, her reputation will be blighted.

OP posts:
altinkum · 16/11/2011 12:20

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prh47bridge · 16/11/2011 12:47

Lovefruitsandvegs - You clearly haven't understood what has been said about child protection procedures.

An incident is reported to the CPLO (a designated teacher at the school) and logged. An incident such as this would not be reported to anyone outside the school. The information is locked away. If there are no further concerns relating to the child the information about the incident will be shredded within 12 months. It does NOT "always remain there". It CANNOT "destroy the future of the child".

I really don't understand why some posters see logging incidents as over the top. Do you think that logging absences is over the top? How about logging lateness? Both of those things are logged in the school's attendance register. Do you think logging attendance is more important than logging child protection concerns?

TravellerForEver · 16/11/2011 13:16

altinkum, Thank you for that comment.

I also do have a problem with labelling a 3yo as an abuser.
A 3yo isn't an abuser. He/she might have hurtful actions but if this is the case and to the levels implied by the word 'abuser' then that child is as much a victim as the other child. That child needs help.

altinkum · 16/11/2011 13:16

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TravellerForEver · 16/11/2011 13:19

I also don't think it helps anyone to label a child at age is this way, not the child and not even the victim.

altinkum · 16/11/2011 13:39

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mrz · 16/11/2011 17:27

So what do you call a child that abusers another child altinkum? and by abuse I mean annal and vaginal penetration using objects

mrz · 16/11/2011 17:29

abuses

NormanTebbit · 16/11/2011 23:18

I think Altinkum is talking about the age threshold of criminal intent (correct me if I am wrong Altinkum)at the moment it is set at 10, if I recall correctly, and between 10 and 14 there are certain tests to show criminal intent is understood by child.

So I guess calling a child an abuser presumes they know what they are doing.

Anyway this is an odd thread.

TravellerForEver · 17/11/2011 10:00

mrz I call that child a victim.

This doesn't mean that what said child did was OK or that the other child shouldn't be protected from that. But the perpretator is a child who has been terribly abused himself and is suffering from serious mental health problems.

comedaygoday · 17/11/2011 12:10

Children in this country are not criminally responsible below 9 years of age so a court would not state that a three year old was an abuser. Our age of criminal responsibility is lower than that of many comparable jurisdictions and our willingness to punish and criminslise our children has not had lead to us being a child friendly country or one that is responsive to , or guards against abuse. I am also shocked that a professional dealing with abuse calls a three year old an abuser.

spiderpig8 · 17/11/2011 14:14

I think some of the posters on this thread have absolutely no idea just how prevalent child abuse is.
IT IS NOT A RARITY. Surveys of adults show significany percentages were abused as a childSad

spiderpig8 · 17/11/2011 14:16

It is an emotive word, but an abuser literally means one who abuses.It doesn't mean they have criminal culpability or even knew what they were doing was wrong.Therefore an abuser can be 3 or 103

mrz · 17/11/2011 17:30

Actually TravellerForEver there was no evidence to suggest that the child had ever been abused himself only that from the age of three he systematically abused others and that he continued to do so for a number of years.

mrz · 17/11/2011 17:32

No one has suggested what it should be called when the individual responsible is below the age of criminal responsibility.

TravellerForEver · 17/11/2011 18:47

mrz, if a child feels OK to that, then there is a big with that child. Either there has been abuse, he has seeing things that weren't appropriate for him to see, or there are some major MH issues (esp if said child carried on to do so, I would imagine that SS, educators etc.. were then involved).

I cannot imagine a 'normal' child wo any problems at all doing that.

I do have an issue with the word abuser because of the very strong connotation associated with it. There has to be intend to abuse and I do not believe that a child at that age has that sort of intent.
However, in the mind of people, once someone incl a child has been labelled abuser, it's going to stick to the person. Which isn't good for the recovery of that child.

Elibean · 17/11/2011 18:58

I would totally agree with that. Its normal for a 3 year old to explore his/her own body, and quite possibly others' bodies, but if they were doing so in a specific, or repetitive, or aggressive fashion then there would have to be a reason for it. Not necessarily physical sexual abuse, but some sort of boundary violation.

And I would never, ever label a 3 year old an 'abuser'. They may behave in ways that feel or simply be abusive to others, but they are not aware of others' boundaries. 'Abuser' does imply responsibility, at least in our society.

mrz · 17/11/2011 19:24

I obviously don't want to go into detail but from the age of three this child was most definitely targeting other children.
and for everyone who is offended by the term he was not labelled an abuser at the age of three only a number of years later was the full picture put together

sashh · 18/11/2011 07:05

OK what if it was the other way around

What if your daughter told you that six weeks ago a boy had said he wanted to bite her genitals, chased her round the playground and then licked her knee?

How would you react?

I'd be more worried that it occurs to her to say she will bite a boy's 'willy' than her being made to appologise.

Fairenuff · 18/11/2011 08:23

I have heard a 6 year old child tell a boy she wanted to 'tongue kiss his willy'. Do you think that is just childish nonsense, or would you, as his parent, expect that to be reported OP?

altinkum · 18/11/2011 08:41

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531800000008 · 18/11/2011 09:02

altinkum, how do you know that mrz hasn't changed the age and/or gender when posting to preserve anonymity

spiderpig8 · 18/11/2011 09:51

Cezzer- You still don't get it do you? It is not about your little girl being some sort of villainous sexual predator.It is about the fact that there might be another little girl out there saying similar things who is being made to perform oral sex on her uncle every week.There might be a l;ittle 9 yo boy out there being similarly abused.Do you want them to dismiss their precocuious behaviour as childhoold silliness or do you want the CPO to keep a watching brief?

mrz · 18/11/2011 16:34

altinkum I can guarantee that no one reading what I have said would be able to identify the young person involved. I would suggest you read what I have said. The child was three when they first demonstrated the behaviour but it continued for a number of years .... and yes at that stage he was of the age of criminal responsibility

altinkum · 21/11/2011 11:33

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