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daughter accused of sexual act..help!!

285 replies

cezzer1 · 13/11/2011 15:02

My daughter, 7, made an inappropriate comment to an older boy aged 9 in the playground in front of her piers. She said "I'm going to bite your willy". She pretended to chase him and inadvertently licked him on the knee. The boy then kept asking her for a week or so to be his girlfriend and kept blowing her kisses, which led to her ignoring him on the playground. 6 weeks later the boys mother wrote in to his teacher saying her son was traumatised by the comments and implied my daughter had licked her son on the genitalia area of his trousers. The school never called me in and simply told me in a brief 8 minute meeting after school, due to the teacher having prior commitments and needing to rush off. I was left in tears. they had dealt with it and my daughter had had to apologise to the boy in front of classmates, although out of earshot and had also had to write him a letter. My daughter was only asked if she made the comment, which she admitted truthfully and if she licked him on the trousers, which she also admitted truthfully. However as an adult I understand the implied behaviour behind this and when it was explained to her people thought she had intentionally tried to lick his genitalia area, she went to pieces and severely broke down absolutely incredulous at the accusation. At 7 she has no concept of the act she is accused of and in her version it was a comment made to look big in front of her friends at a time when her friendship group was experiencing problems, a situation the school have had to monitor and are aware, and the act was a playful chase and the boys genitalia was not touched neither was it intended to be. I was never called to help my child through a serious accusation before she was found guilty of it and I have had to wait four long days before I can speak to anyone about it. This lad has an obvious crush on my daughter having told all his friends "she's his" and this has not been reciprocated, she's only 7, and it took 6 weeks for the lad to come forward, in the meantime he was still pursuing my daughter and obviously not traumatised but possibly annoyed at my daughter's reluctance to return his affections. What are my rights here. She's a gifted and talented register student who has twice been bullied at the school and suffers from an underlying confidence problem, although gregarious to the outsider. I believe this to be the reason for her silly comments of which I do Not condone, but the act she is said to have done I fully dispute both the accusation and the way it was handled and the lack of concern for my daughters well being in all of this. In addition if this becomes public throughout the school, her reputation will be blighted.

OP posts:
sabrinathemiddleagedwitch · 13/11/2011 15:44

The public apology is odd.

She did say she was going to bite his willy and she did lick him. She says on the knee, he says on the genitals, perhaps the truth is somewhere is the middle but if someone says they are going to bite your genitals, and the puts your mouth near your genitals then you are within your rights to draw a conclusion from that.

Being on the gifted and talented register does not give you extra 'rights' you have to be head of the IMF for that.

If he is still bothered about it 6 weeks later then that is up to him. Its unreasonable to tell people, especially children, that if they are uncomfortable about something then they must tell straight away. The school can hardly say "Oh, somebody touched your willy, well it was weeks ago so we aren't bothered".

cezzer1 · 13/11/2011 15:45

cory I haven't denied she was shouldn't be punished for the comments but the act she did I disagree. Are we going to punish all the younger kids running around lifting girls skirts up in the playground, which happens, all those playing kiss chase. I'm not trying to deny my child did wrong just that the act was not investigated properly and assumptions were made without my being there. In my opinion the boy lied about where she touched him. She said it was on the knee, he has led his mother and teachers to believe it was on the genitalia. In a court of law surely she would've had the chance to defend and explain with me there before she was found guilty.

OP posts:
cory · 13/11/2011 15:45

Katie, it wasn't a public apology: the OP clearly states it was out of earshot of the other kids.

mrz · 13/11/2011 15:46

If the school fails to report it and the other parent decides to then they will be questioned on reasons. Knowing the child and parents isn't an acceptable reason.

cory · 13/11/2011 15:46

"my daughter had had to apologise to the boy in front of classmates, although out of earshot"

rainbowinthesky · 13/11/2011 15:48

I would expect a child who lifted up my dd's skirt to be spoken to at the very least. You are being a little too defensive of your dd- she said she was going to bite him on the penis and then licked his trousers.

cory · 13/11/2011 15:49

But cezzer is any court of law situation actually going to happen? The thing that upsets your dd is that the telling off she received from the school was about an offence she did not realise she had committed. They have not said they are taking further action? Would it not be enough for you to explain to your dd that "yes, I can see that this was very upsetting for you, but the reason for it is this, Miss thought you meant something different and much more naughty, I know you didn't mean this, but I can see how she came to think that, to avoid any future misunderstanding this is what you must do, and then we can all forget about this because it's over now and I believe you"

cezzer1 · 13/11/2011 15:51

I might add she was then asked to write the lad a letter of apology which she had to do while the class watched a DVD and then was questioned by her friends about what she was doing.

And MRZ I'll go and hand myself into social services if it pleases you tomorrow. Jeez!

OP posts:
sabrinathemiddleagedwitch · 13/11/2011 15:51

If it was out of earshot I don't no what the big deal is. She did something she shouldn't have done, other child complained (albeit 6 weeks later) she apologised, parent was informed. I don't think you are in a position to dispute the accusation as you weren't there and her actions could conceivably lead to confusion due to her "I'm going to bite your willy" followed by putting her mouth near his willy. She may be telling the truth but so may the boy.

cory · 13/11/2011 15:51

and fwiw our primary school were quite strict on kiss chase, not because they thought their boys were sexual predators, but because lifting a girl's skirts is rude and they needed to learn that

catsareevil · 13/11/2011 15:52

Cezzer

Why do you say "The thought of touching him where she's accused of never entered her head" When in your OP you say she threatened to bite him there?

Does your DD have any difficulties with behaviour?

mjinprechristmasfrenzy · 13/11/2011 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cory · 13/11/2011 15:54

I just don't think you are helping your dd to deal with this by your very emotional reactions. There is some middle ground between accepting everything the school does as right and getting completely worked up.

jenniferturkington · 13/11/2011 15:55

mrz is totally correct, this will have been recorded in the school's child protection file. However, assuming no further things of concern have happened regarding your dd, it is extremely unlikely that the school would deem it necessary to contact SS.

MindtheGappp · 13/11/2011 15:56

I would not refer this to the child protection bods, but I would file it in the back of head. Precocious behaviour...I would not expect a 7 year old girl to ever think about biting a willie or even licking any part of a boy's body (and all my girls have 2 older brothers - they were aware of anatomy at 7 years old but not the sexual implications,and the sexual inuendo of licking). Gosh, I would have been in my 20s when I learned this stuff.

cezzer1 · 13/11/2011 15:59

Exactly Cory, that's my point. If I'd had the chance to last week I'd have done exactly that and I would've slept the last 3 nights. However being dragged in on a whim after school on the school run, told the barest facts and then have the teacher tell me she has to go because she's got a meeting and she'll talk to me on Monday, I haven't been able to discuss it with the school. And be able to reassure my daughter. I called the parent liaison who immediately talked to the headmaster and I believe he is now involved but the teacher hasn't been available so we've all had to sit and stew about this event when an hour's talking and common sense could've rescued the situation. I was left quite literally crying in the classroom by the teacher. And then I find it wasn't all quite what they thought it was however bad it may have looked, there are always two sides to every story and only one was listened too.

OP posts:
teacherwith2kids · 13/11/2011 16:00

I would report such an event to the designated person within the school for child protection - that's my legal obligation under Child Protection legislation. Nothing further would happen unless an observable pattern of incidents built up in the files, in which case that designated person would take the matter further. The designated person is internal to the school.

KatieMiddIeton · 13/11/2011 16:00

Having thought about it a bit more and in the context of the other posts I think maybe you just need to calm down and go and have the meeting. I think it was very unprofessional to call you into a meeting and then dash off without really concluding it and that's why you're now getting in a bit of a state - you're imagining all sorts when actually the school may well just be treating this as a very minor incident.

Wait until the meeting tomorrow to see what happens. Are the school aware of everything including the comments he has made about your DD? You may need to inform them (NB not accuse the boy of anything, just tell them the facts) so they can keep an eye on things.

mrz · 13/11/2011 16:00

cezzer what would you feel if the roles were reversed and the boy had said/acted inappropriately to your daughter?

mrz · 13/11/2011 16:04

MindtheGappp I'm afraid children much younger than 7 can display inappropriate behaviour.

Mum1369 · 13/11/2011 16:06

I do think you should try to play this down now. Your daughter needs to know that it's finished and a line drawn under it. I think it's absolutely right that you speak to the school ( though without your daughter knowing would be better) they need to understand that you are not happy with the way the situation was dealt with, you need to reiterate that you have concerns about her confidence and they need to take that on board and reassure you that they will endeavour to help work on that. In or out of earshot is irrelevant in front of a class of 7 year olds. In my experience all little ears will have pricked up (well the girls anyway) and they would been more than aware that something was afoot. The teacher should have dealt with it more appropriately. Your priority is with your daughter and though you are obviously concerned about the injustice of it, those kind of details really won't matter to her now, she just needs it all to go away.

MindtheGappp · 13/11/2011 16:07

And if they do, I'd be very concerned where they got their level of knowledge from. I would definitely file that knowledge, if not share it with the CPLO.

KatieMiddIeton · 13/11/2011 16:09

Kids lick each other when playing sometimes because it's disgusting and amuses them. Some kids at my school used to give each other wet willies and my friends kids are always licking or threatening to spit on each other when fighting.

I lump it in with finding toilet humour funny. Not something I really understand as an adult but the kids find amusing.

MindtheGappp · 13/11/2011 16:11

Really? I have never seen this before.

KatieMiddIeton · 13/11/2011 16:12

Yup. Especially boys Grin