Abortion at 16 weeks

[Mondaysunny]

I’m currently pregnant. Don’t live with my partner, got pregnant quite early on. I lost my job a few months back and have stuggled to get a new one. I’ve applied for benefits but there’s a shortfall of around £500 between what I’ve got coming in and out.

My partner says he will provide anything me and the child needs in terms of food and clothing etc - anything maternity related but he won’t help with the shortfall of £500. He is a high earner and can afford this but doesn’t feel like it’s his responsibility.

I’m so stressed. Don’t know how I’m going to pay my bills going forwards. I’m applying for jobs but realistically there’s a limit to what I can do and I’m due to give birth in April. If we were to split up he said he’s give me £1k a month to cover our needs. But I don’t want to be a single mum. I have an older child who is 13 and his father has been so toxic for the ten years we have been apart.

I don’t feel like I can afford to be pregnant. It’s limiting my work options and stressing me out to the point I wish I don’t wake up in the morning.

I am still within the time limits of abortion and I’m considering it. It will mean the end of our relationship but I feel like the conversation we just had about him not helping me has already set the end in motion. I have been in two kind about the pregnancy from the start as we got pregnant after 7 months of being together. We spoke to being a family and he’s been generous so far but only with meals out and things that benefit him or to do with the pregnancy. He doesn’t think he should help me outside of that when he has more than the means too which is what bothers me. We don’t live together, but he has plans to rent/buy a place for us. Until then, I still need to afford my bills which I can’t do atm. If I wasn’t pregnant I think my options would be wider and I wouldn’t feel such stress. I also dread being a single mother again to a toxic man. He hasn’t been toxic so far but I can see indications he can be.

Has anyone aborted at 16 weeks? Or what would you do in my situation?

If the father is going to rent/buy a place for you both then would that alleviate the pressure of the financial shortfall? Please don't make a decision when you can't see the wood for the trees. I've seen women on the pregnancy forum share their experiences of deeply regretting abortions made when they felt overwhelmed and frightened. Does the father fully understand how stressed and worried you are about the shortfall? Can you give him the opportunity to provide more assistance by being more open about how worried you are with him?

Have you looked into charities or community organisations that might offer support or financial assistance whilst you are waiting to move in together? My church asks us to recommend people we know locally to receive financial support, the recipient's don't need to be members of the church to benefit. I would encourage you to fully explore all options and ask people in those types of organisations (churches, community groups, charities) for help because you never know how people are connected to each other and whether you could be referred into a support network that you never knew existed by simply speaking to the right person.

It isn’t yours, either. Not that this seems to have stopped you.

You don’t know her any more than I do. She sounds very unsure of
continuing the pregnancy, yet you’re not attempting to dissuade her from doing so based the trauma that absolutely could result. No, invariably that only seems to apply to abortion.

Op’s experience is just that - hers.

It is your decision but the emotional impact of a termination will hurt you afterwards and I am guessing everything feels hopeless just now. Please talk to a therapist about this. Abortion at 16 weeks is also tough. Wish you well.

I'm sorry i can't read to the end - no time - wanted to comment ...

I would think of your existing child first and foremost OP.

Then know that it's your choice and nothing to feel guilty about either way.

I had a surgical abortion and it was fine.

💐

No. I have taken from the op she is apprehensive about making the decision. At no point does your comment regarding an abortion being a straightforward easy choose have any baring on the op. She has been very open she is struggling because she knows it makes sense but she’s emotionally involved.

No one cares that you have zero emotion about an abortion. A lot of people don’t.

You have zero guarantee of support from this man. Only mandatory cms but even then he could stop working etc. Uou barely know him. Promises he says mean nothing .
You are 500 short a month. Where does that leave you and current ds? What can you cut? Speak to someone CAB etc .
You need to be able to support you and current child before having another.

I actually hate this. Abortion is 100% the better option then adoption. For mum and baby. I say that as someone who tends to think our Abortion law should be lowered to 12 wks

I think speaking to someone is a good idea- a termination at 18-20 weeks (which is what this will be once you have gone through all the steps) is a massive thing that could even be inpatient based on whether you go down the surgical or medical route. I know of a very close friend who has gone through this and although she does not regret her decision the whole thing was very traumatic and a lot more difficult and physically invasive due to now far along she was. I think some of these comments are very simplistic and you need to have proper consultation of whether this is what you want as it is massive thing that you cannot undo.

Get rid of the nobhead first of all, regardless of your decision.

Have a think about what you would get via CMS (bearing in mind he seems the type to try and wriggle out of that). Look at all your options re housing - is there a cheaper option? Look at the benefits calculators to work out exactly how much you’d get after the baby is born - it may be worth seeing if you can speak to advisor as these calculators are sometimes not entirely accurate especially if you make an error somewhere.

I mostly just cannot fathom that a man could make his partner feel so financially at risk that she’s considering aborting a baby she would otherwise, it seems, want. I have nothing but ill will to men like this.

It is a foetus that relies solely on OP for that. It cannot survive without OP. How DARE you put all this on OP. Are you going to cover her £500pm shortfall? Are you going to help raise this child and provide for it as well as the already living and sentient child?

Either way you’re a single mum.

Sorry if you said and I missed it - what do you have in the way of nearby family? Friends?

Given that even now before a new baby you’re not managing your bills, I think you need to look at your outgoings as well, perhaps someone knows a good organisation you can contact. Otherwise I find MN can be quite helpful if you start a thread and detail every single bill and how much, people can give advice on where you can cut down. Sometimes you have blind spots on things you’re overspending on. You could change name for a new thread so it’s not linked to this one if that makes you feel better about posting it. Or, if there is such an organisation that would give you advice on your budget, I’m sure that would be the better option.

It just seems so odd he'll give you £1k a month if you split up but not £500 if you are together.

The emotional and financial impact of an unwanted baby would be even worse. The reason OP feels conflicted is people who use emotive terms like 'killed a child'. These people have an axe to grind.

What kind of axe do you think they have to grind?

Okay op. Do take care of yourself and keep us updated as came back to check on your decision

I still think you should abort op. I think that this man will leave you a single mum. He has shown you who he is.

Like you said, youre nearly free and have your life back.

Whatever you do, please do it for you, and not for him or anyone else. And act quickly - its not a pleasant thing, but neither is the alternative for you, it sounds

Best of luck 🩷 xx

What do you think? A religious, evangelic 'pro-life' axe.

There's no point in arguing folk's opinion on abortion at this stage of pregnancy. It's legal and OP needs to make the decision what she thinks is best for her and her future.

You need to look at the facts which are - he's showing signs he could be toxic. Baby or not, he needs to go.

Secondly, do you WANT the child? If yes then having an abortion might not be the right decision. People find a way of finding a way when they need to.

If you don't, then you don't.

But try and see them as separate issues..
Sending you strength and hope xx

An abortion at 16 weeks would be very traumatic. The baby is very formed at that age and can feel pain. I wouldn’t end a persons life for the sake of £500 a month. Can you reach out to any charities who can help?

Yes but everyone cheering on the abortion aren’t really considering the effect it can have on her afterwards. Abortion regret is a very real thing and it’s crushing.

Well, it is killing a human. What else is it doing? It’s ending the life of a baby that would otherwise be born and live.

It is aborting a foetus.

Think of the unborn baby. I’ve never understood abortion for convenience.

This.