Abortion at 16 weeks

[Mondaysunny]

I’m currently pregnant. Don’t live with my partner, got pregnant quite early on. I lost my job a few months back and have stuggled to get a new one. I’ve applied for benefits but there’s a shortfall of around £500 between what I’ve got coming in and out.

My partner says he will provide anything me and the child needs in terms of food and clothing etc - anything maternity related but he won’t help with the shortfall of £500. He is a high earner and can afford this but doesn’t feel like it’s his responsibility.

I’m so stressed. Don’t know how I’m going to pay my bills going forwards. I’m applying for jobs but realistically there’s a limit to what I can do and I’m due to give birth in April. If we were to split up he said he’s give me £1k a month to cover our needs. But I don’t want to be a single mum. I have an older child who is 13 and his father has been so toxic for the ten years we have been apart.

I don’t feel like I can afford to be pregnant. It’s limiting my work options and stressing me out to the point I wish I don’t wake up in the morning.

I am still within the time limits of abortion and I’m considering it. It will mean the end of our relationship but I feel like the conversation we just had about him not helping me has already set the end in motion. I have been in two kind about the pregnancy from the start as we got pregnant after 7 months of being together. We spoke to being a family and he’s been generous so far but only with meals out and things that benefit him or to do with the pregnancy. He doesn’t think he should help me outside of that when he has more than the means too which is what bothers me. We don’t live together, but he has plans to rent/buy a place for us. Until then, I still need to afford my bills which I can’t do atm. If I wasn’t pregnant I think my options would be wider and I wouldn’t feel such stress. I also dread being a single mother again to a toxic man. He hasn’t been toxic so far but I can see indications he can be.

Has anyone aborted at 16 weeks? Or what would you do in my situation?

I would not delay any longer and have the abortion. Ask him to pay for you to have it under general anaesthesia, he will probably be relieved to pay a one off cost.

I’m going to say abort too. In your circumstances.

The longer you leave it the worse it will be. If you are going ahead do it quickly.

I had a surgical abortion under general anaesthetic at 14 weeks. It was absolutely fine, and afterwards just felt like period pains for a few days.

Extremely unhelpful.

'Destroy that life'

Anything maternity related except the maternal person having shelter or heating? So not everything then at all. Sounds like he wants to split tbh.

I would get rid of the man before I got rid of the baby. I find it strange he won’t help with the £500 shortfall but has said he will give you £1k a month if you were to split up. Does that mean the relationship isn’t that great if that’s been discussed?
I do sort of agree that your bills and £500 shortfall is not his responsibility because you’re not living together or sharing finances. He has offered food and clothes for anything pregnancy or maternity related so he is willing to help with what he thinks is his responsibility.
Money aside you need to decide do I want another baby? Things usually work out so start with the main thing the baby, are they wanted or unwanted?

Have the abortion, tell him you miscarried and dump him. He's not your partner and you definitely aren't a team.

Sorry are you offended at me calling the baby she would clearly see fully formed and moving around inside her on a scan ‘a life’

In your situation I think that I would not continue with the pregnancy and I would not stay with him either. Neither sounds like it’s the right thing for your circumstances.

Yes much more helpful to just tell people to do whatever seems easier at the time, regardless 😑

Enough with the moralistic 'destroy a life' bullshit.

This. It is no-one's business but yours. In your best interests, and those of your 13yo. Get it over with, and end the relationship as well.

Wishing you the best. xx

It sounds like the relationship is over either way with his attitude so I would press ahead with the abortion.

It’s almost like there is a place for both sides of the argument!

The op said she has considered it multiple times, she has not gone through with it for a reason.

Abortion is not the only answer. It’s one answer.

100% this OP.

I’m sorry you’re in this shit situation - I’ve had an abortion, I can’t even remember how far I was tbh. I had a suction termination under sedation. My hormones went a bit wild afterwards but once that passed I’ve never regretted it. Your priority has to be your existing child and your MH.

But it is a life? It moves; it has a heartbeat; it is alive! We die because our heart stops so how can something with a beating heart not be alive?

Just because something doesn’t align with your worldview doesn’t make it not true.

Surely if somebody is going to choose an abortion they should be aware of what exactly they’re choosing.

I started the abortion booking process a few hours back as you can request one online but they start with a consultation. I thought it would make sense to do this whether I’m sure or not so that I don’t delay things any further. We are currently on a break away atm and back tomorrow. Before then I’m going to establish once and for all what help he intends to give now. I’m very aware that when you’re no longer with a man, his desire to help is even less. Our conversations between now and when we are back/my consultation will be the deciding factor. Funnily enough when I was in the middle of writing my last update, I got an email about a potential part time role I can do from home. Regardless, I’d still want to know my partner will support my when I’m at my lowest.

Im halfway through my pregnancy - that doesn’t sit lightly with me. For the majority of the time I’ve thought I was keeping it and I’d be a mum again. We were going to book the scan to find out the gender as soon as we got back.

This is a misogynistic attempt to pressure a woman who is a desperate situation. This foetus, if allowed to come to term, might well destroy the life of the OP and her existing child.

It's the only answer in this case. People make far too much fuss about abortion.

Be aware that if he’s knows you intend to abort, he could promise you all the support in the world with no intention of actually following through. Once you’re beyond the legal limit, you’ll be stuck.

He’s shown you who he is. I wouldn’t personally complicate my life further by continuing the pregnancy.

Would adoption be an option OP? It doesn't have to be only keep vs abort? I appreciate "just adopt" isn't necessarily straightforward either but I can never get my head around why abortion is very socially acceptable but people are a bit shocked by the prospect of adoption. Of course the decision is entirely yours, but maybe consider it as a 3rd option.