Abortion at 16 weeks

[Mondaysunny]

I’m currently pregnant. Don’t live with my partner, got pregnant quite early on. I lost my job a few months back and have stuggled to get a new one. I’ve applied for benefits but there’s a shortfall of around £500 between what I’ve got coming in and out.

My partner says he will provide anything me and the child needs in terms of food and clothing etc - anything maternity related but he won’t help with the shortfall of £500. He is a high earner and can afford this but doesn’t feel like it’s his responsibility.

I’m so stressed. Don’t know how I’m going to pay my bills going forwards. I’m applying for jobs but realistically there’s a limit to what I can do and I’m due to give birth in April. If we were to split up he said he’s give me £1k a month to cover our needs. But I don’t want to be a single mum. I have an older child who is 13 and his father has been so toxic for the ten years we have been apart.

I don’t feel like I can afford to be pregnant. It’s limiting my work options and stressing me out to the point I wish I don’t wake up in the morning.

I am still within the time limits of abortion and I’m considering it. It will mean the end of our relationship but I feel like the conversation we just had about him not helping me has already set the end in motion. I have been in two kind about the pregnancy from the start as we got pregnant after 7 months of being together. We spoke to being a family and he’s been generous so far but only with meals out and things that benefit him or to do with the pregnancy. He doesn’t think he should help me outside of that when he has more than the means too which is what bothers me. We don’t live together, but he has plans to rent/buy a place for us. Until then, I still need to afford my bills which I can’t do atm. If I wasn’t pregnant I think my options would be wider and I wouldn’t feel such stress. I also dread being a single mother again to a toxic man. He hasn’t been toxic so far but I can see indications he can be.

Has anyone aborted at 16 weeks? Or what would you do in my situation?

I don’t think they make enough fuss about. It can be absolutely traumatic.

It’s a life. It needs more thought than, ah fuck it I’ll just get rid.

The op is torn. Theres a reason she’s not gone through it already. To be fair the op is now having a weekend break. She’s in no rush, she’s actively looking for him to give her hope.

“All the help with childcare that’s available” clearly from someone that doesn’t access said plentiful childcare. News flash - there isn’t much help. Still.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Sounds like it may be a matter of time before you guys would split up anyway tbh and leave you high and dry.

To be honest, if you're not together, no he shouldn't pay your bills, he should contribute to the child and nothing else. It's so early days in your relationship I would say that you cannot rely on him 100% to do even that and for that matter alone, no, the baby doesn't seem like the right idea this moment in time.

Whatever you decide to do OP, go easy going forward and be kind to yourself.

No, it doesn’t ‘need’ any more thought than the woman in question sees fit to give it.

It can be traumatic, and it can also be very straightforward with little to no emotional repercussions. It can be anywhere in between those two. Hell, the same goes for childbirth, and adoption.

Your 13yo has GCSEs in the next 2 years, put them first as they deserve, you are potentially putting them thru some very turbulent times. I get this is a very hard decision but to me it’s a no-brainer. Your “partner” will possibly not get better and will eventually start to resent you once baby is here and they discover babies aren’t all sunshine and rainbows everyday

Yes. And we’re talking about the op who does not seem like the get rid type with zero emotion going into it.

This isn’t your soap box. You’re talking about yourself and your feelings.

It's only traumatic because of patriarchal nonsense and it being framed as a bad thing to do.

It's an absolute no brainer. We're not in Arkansas, thankfully.

Hi OP, I'm not going to advise on your situation, but I did have a tfmr at 16w a few years ago so thought I'd share my experience.

I had a medical rather than surgical and physically it wasn't too bad - a bit of cramping then that was it. Took a while though, was in the hospital by 8:30, 'delivered' about 4:30 and didn't leave until 10ish, though that might be different if you go to a clinic. My physical recovery was ok as well.

I would say that if you do get it done medically check you can 'deliver' there rather than at home. They let us see the baby (sorry, I can't think of him as anything else) afterwards and that broke me, even though continuing with the pregnancy was very unlikely to have a good outcome.

Wishing you the best whatever you decide.

In the situation you describe i would abort. It doesnt sound like proceeding with the pregnancy is in your best interests.

There's no guarantee the boyfriend will give you anything at all, he can say whatever he wants but then do nothing.

Your decisions should be based on lone parenting, you haven't been dating this man long and have been in crisis for months. Your son and then you must be priority.

You are now telling people if they are allowed to feel traumatised or upset at the idea of an abortion?

If you were a man saying that is that ok? Or would you argue a woman can recognise her own emotion?

Call a pregnancy choices charity like BPAS or Marie Stopes and arrange for counselling ASAP. The latter were very helpful and kind to me. Take it from there

He sounds both selfish and controlling to me @Mondaysunny and it doesn’t sound like a good idea to continue the pregnancy. Or the relationship, regardless. Please look after yourself.

Nope not for me, couldn't kill a baby just because

Don't tell him.

years ago I wrote a piece about the father's rights re abortion. How bloody naive I was.

I woukdbt bother with the conversation @Mondaysunny . You know exactly how much he is going to "help". He's already demonstrating that to you. His words are irrelevant. His current actions speak louder.

Personally, I wiuldbtxwabf to do tge newborn bit or tge single parent bit when you've gor a 13 year old. I also wouldn't want to inflict another arsehole man on my current child.

I think you need to have councelling before you do anything. You need to be sure but whatever you do you need to do it quickly. I dintvthink a gender scan is going to be helpful if you decide to ebd the pregnancy.

I was going to suggest this too x

Do what YOU need to do. Forget the judgement from anyone, this is YOUR life. I would absolutely be considering the same given the circumstances. But as above, you need to act quickly at this stage, good luck x

He doesn't sound like a good dad. If you decide to keep the pregnancy make sure you have your eyes open to how little he's going to be involved and how transactional and conditional his involvement is. This would not be good for a child. What you do has to be your decision, either way. It's ok that it's impossible to make a perfect decision - whatever you choose you will sometimes wonder about the path not taken. You would not be unreasonable to choose abortion if that's what you feel is right. Especially as you have to consider the needs of your older child too. But you'd equally not be unreasonable to make the opposite decision. Either way, be kind to yourself, give yourself the dignity of understanding that you are in a position where there's no clear correct answer and it's ok to just do the best you can.

giving birth and signing a baby away for adoption isn’t something most people do willingly

I would also suggest looking at adoption. Not because it'd be easy, but because there are no easy choices available to you and you need to decide on which option is going to be the least traumatic for you.

I'm assuming that the option of asking family to help you out until you get back on your feet isn't available but if there's the chance that may be an option I'd look there too.

think of whats best for you. Personally if i were in your shoes I would get rid of this man, of the pregnancy and live my best life. If he aks just tell him "you lost the baby, had a natural abortion etc..."

Let me guess you were on the pill and it failed?

Why is it always the same posts on here, from silly women who get pregnant after a few months of being with someone who is very similar to their toxic ex 🤔

Better that than a judgemental arsehole with an empathy bypass