Got pregnant too soon after having a baby now don’t know what to do … help

[Peaches92]

Hi everyone
I will start by saying that I got pregnant very early into my relationship and at the time my bf didn’t want me to go ahead. I obviously did and my daughter was born in June and is everything to me. Obviously bf came round to the idea and loves her but he doesn’t live with me and only really sees her maybe once a week and is not exactly a full time dad. He has 2 older children and didn’t exactly want to do it all again. Our relationship hasn’t been the best as he and I disagree on a lot and he would rather do his own thing than include me or our daughter in plans. Anyway , before I moved to my 1 bed flat I couldn’t stay here for a few nights as I didn’t have a bed so we stayed at his for maybe 3 nights. We had broken up at this point so I felt a little awkward about it all. Long story short, because I wasn’t expecting to be intimate with him as we hadn’t been for many weeks and we weren’t together I wasn’t taking any precautions and he didn’t either and one thing led to another (initiated by him). I didn’t really think anything of it but then worried a bit when period was late. I spoke to him about it and he said ‘we won’t be having any more kids I’m telling you that now’. I ended up getting a test thinking it would clear it up and to my right, surprise I’m pregnant.
Honestly I was disappointed and he walked straight out and said I’ll have to sort myself out. He said he would message me later and didn’t so because I was upset I went to my mum’s with my daughter.
My problem is I don’t know what to do, I am in a 1 bedroom flat with my 5 month old and not working, and bf has made it clear he wants me to get rid of it which I don’t really agree with. I was never against more children but didn’t think it would happen this soon (I know I was silly). Although I wish I’d been more careful I don’t think I could bring myself to do anything to stop this but he is very angry with me. I’m also worried about obviously needing a bigger place eventually and what will happen. Thanks for reading and any advice would be appreciated

You need to get a grip of the situation. The real situation.

He is not your boyfriend. It's clear you want him to be, as you refer to him as this even now. He's not. He's a man that has nothing to do with you, barely sees a child that he didn't want, and had sex with you, one off, because frankly, he knew he could.

I absolutely know you'll claim that as harsh, but you need to wake up and see this isn't harsh, but an accurate reflection of the situation, and the version you are trying to paint, is not.

You need to get over this man. As PP says, gently, two "oops" pregnancies are not common. Possible, sure, but not common. Children are not the way to keep him in your life.

The only thing you need to be thinking about, is how do you feel about being a single mother of two children, for the rest of your life. Because unless you meet someone else, that's what you'll be. And this can be utterly fantastic, if it's what you want. It won't be if you are kidding yourself this is the way to tie this man to being around you.

Whilst he may be paying you something, which is nice, I'll pretty much guarantee there won't be any 15hrs childcare from him when you decide to keep a second child he doesn't want to be involved with.

It absolutely takes two to conceive. Then it's entirely down to one whether that baby materialises to raise for the next 18yrs, and that "one" can entirely ignore the other parents wishes. In doing so, you need to take accountability that you are having this child in the full knowledge you are prepared to raise this child alone. He, likewise has a choice. To raise the child, or not. He can't make you have it/not have it, any more than you can make him actively raise the child.

Please, please, think long and hard about this x

It's great that's your opinion. I am also absolutely pro choice.

So that means I support the OPs right to make that choice for herself based on her circumstances and beliefs and mental wellbeing. Telling a woman she's wrong to have an abortion is as bad as telling her shes wrong to not have one. It works both ways.

Op what support do you have around you? Do you have family etc nearby or would it be feasible to move to an area that's cheaper where you do have a bit of support or where a bigger house would be more attainable? Are you in the type of job where you could transfer or find something similar elsewhere?

Lots of people manage with small kids in tiny houses (myself included.) You just need to sit down and do a bit of problem solving, are there any parenting programmes in your area that would offer free childcare/ do you have someone who could provide that or financially would you be able to afford it and maintain work? You just need to take a bit of time and try to get your ducks in a row while doing counselling and giving yourself space and grace to decide on the right course of action.

There are some really horrible, judgemental and deeply misogynistic comments on here, please ignore all that nonsense. Never ceases to depress me how utterly cruel some women can be to other women.

I won't even get into the nasty pieces of work who seem to think you can only have children if you work.

OP have the baby if you want to keep it. But ditch the man. He’s not a keeper.

Telling a woman she's wrong to have an abortion is as bad as telling her shes wrong to not have one.

^^This

Men like this need vasectomising - but he will carry on getting women pregnant - men like this get off on it.

They think it makes them virile, but the reality is they probably have a lot of sex with younger women who get pregnant very easily, and who may believe that a baby may ''bring the errant man to heel''.

It rarely if ever does.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos
Well given the history, perhaps it'll remind her next time she puts herself in such a situation.

Maybe OP needs to make the choice based not on what she wants but what is best for her daughter and the unborn child. Funny that people don't actually think about what's in the children's best interest. In this case a termination seems like the obvious solution

I'm sure she's really glad to have you to point that out to her whilst emotional about decisions she has to make now.

Most of us are able to learn from our history on our own, judgemental and condescending comments about things in the past when she's asked for help on her current situation aren't useful. If you can't be kind and helpful, don't say anything.

You really need to be hardheaded about this, not soft and fuzzy.

Sit down and run the numbers. What will it cost you to put the DC into childcare and return to work (because him doing 15 hours a week for free is not going to happen, and in your heart you know it. And he is for sure not going to have both of them)? What will that leave for you to live off after rent and bills are paid? What benefits might you be eligible for? In that calculation, you'd be wise not to count on seeing much in the way of child maintenance - he should pay it, no doubt, but look up the statistics for how many fathers pay nothing at all some time.

I'm not sure that 15 hours of work a week is going to cut it. You might either need to work FT, or not work and live off benefits until you can access free childcare/school. Are you willing to go ahead with the pregnancy if that is the price of it? Can you cope mentally with raising two children on very, very little, watching every penny, no buffer, no treats?

Based on her circumstances means based on her families welfare too, i think it's a bit cruel you'd suggest that op wouldn't take her kids welfare into account - to me that's clearly a given and the entire reason why she's in conflict with herself about this.

But let's not forget that if op really struggled after an unwanted abortion (she's already said she personally doesn't agree with it) she felt forced into, that would impact on her child as well. None of us really know the ins and outs of ops circumstances other than the little she's posted on here. My sister has two kids in similar situation and she's been fine because she had good family support which allowed her to study and have free childcare and move up her career ladder and into a bigger house. Which is why I was asking the op about her circumstances to find out more.

Hi thanks for your questions and being polite unlike some on here. The reason I said 15 hours is because 1 I wouldn’t want to go back to work full time and not see my daughter and possibly other child and 2 because of universal credit it works out better working only a little bit or they deduct it from your benefits. My parents are really really supportive so I am lucky there and they said they might help when or if I go back to work.

As for the living situation , I am private renting a 1 bed flat which me and my daughter share a decent sized bedroom , the council helped me find this place and although I am supposed to need 2 bedrooms, because she is young they said this place is adequate for now. I’m not sure what my landlord would say about another child and if I would qualify for a bigger place if I had another baby as where I live it’s very difficult with housing and there is a shortage.

As for maintenance, baby’s dad did help me furnish my flat and did help with things for my daughter etc. But no exact maintenance set up ie like a weekly amount or something. And since I told him the news I’m pregnant again which was Tuesday afternoon he left and I’ve not heard anything from him since. I have not tried to get in touch with him and I won’t. I’m very disappointed but I don’t think he will be having much or any involvement whatever I decide to do in this situation.

Hi OP how are you getting on?

I've literally been homeless, is there any need for the condescending questions?
And Are you implying that just because op accidentally got pregnant a second time that she must be some kind of idiot who will go on to have 15 more kids?

Just read your post I hope you're okay OP. Keep posting for support. I hope your partner sees sense and if he doesn't then get rid and block.

I hope you have a good family or friends that can support you.