Got pregnant too soon after having a baby now don’t know what to do … help

[Peaches92]

Hi everyone
I will start by saying that I got pregnant very early into my relationship and at the time my bf didn’t want me to go ahead. I obviously did and my daughter was born in June and is everything to me. Obviously bf came round to the idea and loves her but he doesn’t live with me and only really sees her maybe once a week and is not exactly a full time dad. He has 2 older children and didn’t exactly want to do it all again. Our relationship hasn’t been the best as he and I disagree on a lot and he would rather do his own thing than include me or our daughter in plans. Anyway , before I moved to my 1 bed flat I couldn’t stay here for a few nights as I didn’t have a bed so we stayed at his for maybe 3 nights. We had broken up at this point so I felt a little awkward about it all. Long story short, because I wasn’t expecting to be intimate with him as we hadn’t been for many weeks and we weren’t together I wasn’t taking any precautions and he didn’t either and one thing led to another (initiated by him). I didn’t really think anything of it but then worried a bit when period was late. I spoke to him about it and he said ‘we won’t be having any more kids I’m telling you that now’. I ended up getting a test thinking it would clear it up and to my right, surprise I’m pregnant.
Honestly I was disappointed and he walked straight out and said I’ll have to sort myself out. He said he would message me later and didn’t so because I was upset I went to my mum’s with my daughter.
My problem is I don’t know what to do, I am in a 1 bedroom flat with my 5 month old and not working, and bf has made it clear he wants me to get rid of it which I don’t really agree with. I was never against more children but didn’t think it would happen this soon (I know I was silly). Although I wish I’d been more careful I don’t think I could bring myself to do anything to stop this but he is very angry with me. I’m also worried about obviously needing a bigger place eventually and what will happen. Thanks for reading and any advice would be appreciated

It would be very silly to continue with this pregnancy.

I think bringing a baby into this mess would be unfair on the child and unfair on your daughter who is dependent and vulnerable enough as it is.

^ This. I think you need to grow up and really think about what is best for your daughter and maybe that means putting your own feelings aside. He's already got 3 children to support, realistically how much CM would you get, presumably not enough to cover two lots of nursery fees for when you do go back to work?

Yes he's a fucking dickhead and it's half his fault blah blah blah but that isn't going to be much consolation to your daughter if she has to grow up in poverty because both her parents screwed up.

Why are you still calling this man your bf?
he cba with your daughter and has unprotected sex with a fertile woman then cries about her getting pregnant, blaming her like he had no part in it. Is he stupid? He’s made at least 4 children now, surely he’s figured out how it happens. He doesn’t take responsibility for any of his actions and he treats you terribly. You’d be better off on your own.
you clearly don’t want an abortion but this situation is ridiculous, at least get rid of this idiot. Stop having unprotected sex with men who have demonstrated they are poor partners and poor fathers and figure out a plan for how you can make this work if you want the second.
go see citizens advice or something and see what benefits you can get, make sure he’s paying you as much as he would be if you claimed cms, and figure out what would happen at your job. You owe your dd to act responsibly now and make sensible decisions going forward.

You say you were planning on him having the baby for 15 hours when you go back to work, but also that he's not there for the baby. Will this be reliable for you? Or should you be looking at reliable childcare so you can work. If you're only working 15 hours I imagine you'll qualify for the free childcare hours which will help.

If it were me, I wouldn't be able to bring a second child into this scenario. But having said that I don't know if I could physically terminate so it's a hard choice. If you do have the second baby, you need a plan in place to be 100% physically and financially responsible for both of them, without relying on him. Doesn't sound like you can.

I think some posters are pushing for abortion a bit too hard here!! It’s the OP’s choice let’s remember that. I’m sure she’s a brilliant mother and she is working just on Mat leave. Just because he’s rubbish doesn’t mean she must abort!!

You are currently unemployed, and in your current state, unemployable.

This is a disgusting thing to say to or about any woman. In fact, it's misogynist.

Being pregnant is not in a state, she's not "unemployable", and she's as entitled to go back to work at the end of maternity leave and then have another, or if the first runs into the second, to have two in a row, as anyone else.

I note that you realised later that she is employed, that isn't the point. Show some respect.

Just because he’s rubbish doesn’t mean she must abort!!

She needs to do what is best for her daughter so that at least one parent is making her their priority. Unless the OP has huge amounts of money available (unlikely since she has a child and is in a one bedroom flat) having two children is going to be financially a struggle, especially when she goes back to work.

I don't think you should have an abortion as you clearly don't actually want to and would feel traumatised/reminded of it by your daughter for the rest of your life.

I also think that tbh, you are currently in a bad situation with one baby - so if you want more than one child total, you may as well have this particular second one so that the period of your working life taken up by looking after very young children is compressed and your daughter has a close-in-age sibling with the same father - you already have all the baby stuff and that will help you get them both into nursery and you back to work to support them most efficiently, looked at across the next decade or so.
Their father is not going to be any use to you in this, which sucks - but you know this already so you can approach it all as a single mother without any false hope. If you keep in touch for parental contact (recommended) and even the odd date night, cool (you may choose the dating for your convenience as meeting other men with two babies would be basically impossible), but he is probably not seeing this relationship as seriously as you are hoping. Realistically you should be thinking of any ongoing sexual relationship between the two of you as a hobby of yours rather than your life plan.

You should definitely get very very good contraception on the first day it is possible - I'd suggest the implant, as you can then ignore it for several years (other than thinking about STDs if you get a new partner) and don't have to have anything ready if you spontaneously have sex.
DO NOT have sex without contraception again and create a third child - you can't afford one at this point in your life in either resources or time, it would bring no additional benefits to the other two and would definitely make life worse for all three of you.

I also agree with what @SleepingStandingUp said.

And it's entirely up to you if you have a termination or not, I agree that some people are pushing termination a little too much on this thread and some are coming across as very judgy. I think they are for the most part just trying to get you to make your decision either way, with all the facts about what you and your daughter's situation will be financially and practically, and to see that this partner is not good for you at all. It's not a good idea for you to continue the relationship, and he needs to step up to his responsibilities but realistically he might not whether that is for the one child or two (or rather, 3 or 4) and his Child Maintenance would be split 4 ways so of course that will probably mean less child support for each child, unless he's a high earner.

If you are in the UK there are independent counselling services which are pro-choice who will be able to help you work through your options - please contact a suitable organisation as soon as you can for professional help to work through all this and they will be able to help you look at your full personal situation and your thought processes.

And rest assured there is help out there for you if you do decide to go ahead with this pregnancy and become a single mother to two little ones even f their Dad doesn't step up in any way, and as someone else said, more people will be helpful and supportive than will judge you. You can still make a success of things, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It'll be hard(er), but you can.

you may choose the dating for your convenience as meeting other men with two babies would be basically impossible

Goodness me, you are suggesting she keep sleeping with this man occasionally as she'll be incapable of meeting any other (decent) men because of having two children?

<scratches head>

OP don't listen to the above. Plenty of women with two children, including young ones, close together or even twins, go on to have a good relationship with a decent man subsequently. Although do take it slowly, get truly comfortable with yourself first, and not rush to introduce a new man into the child(ren)'s life - be sure he's a good one!

If you live in the right jurisdiction, this page should help you work through your maternity leave rights and finances. Do read through it ASAP and then get help from Citizen's Advice or another local agency to see what more general rights to money and other help you can access. For example where I live there is a big scheme via a charity to get help with donated baby equipment, clothing etc. (which you may need if your daughter hasn't finished with her cot, or the seasons are different for the clothing).

https://maternityaction.org.uk/advice/pregnant-during-maternity-leave/

These may also be useful:

https://www.bpas.org/abortion-care/considering-abortion/advice-and-counselling/

https://www.brook.org.uk/your-life/making-a-decision-about-a-pregnancy/

Note that your third option hasn't been floated yet on the thread, and that is that you consider putting the younger child up for adoption. Of course, you might not want to do this, but it's worth discussing every permutation with a professional, as by ruling out what you don't want to do methodically you will get to the right answer for you.

I've not see this one before, it looks quite new, but also may be of use (note they are pro-choice, it's a space to talk about it, not to push you into it):

https://www.abortiontalk.com/ (the line is open Monday and Wednesday evenings, so if you want to talk to them this week it'd need to be today)

No one can really tell you what to do about this second baby.
Whilst it's easy to blame him for this, you knew how he'd reacted with the first baby and knew that he's a loser. He should have taken precautions if he was so against having another baby and perhaps even refrained from having sex with you. However, him initiating sex, doesn't remove your responsibility and I'm sorry to say, but you're both ridiculous for making a second baby.

Hi: I think your pregnant now . So there’s no point worrying about how it happened or why it happened or whose fault it is.

I have crap parents - but life was joyful due to my siblings. I now have two under 2 and I bloody love it . I love watching them together.

I think you should dump this man as he is an absolute twat but if you want another baby then have it. Have a full sibling for your child. You still have deal with this bloke anyway for Dc1 so it makes no difference.

I think babies are a blessing and as you are already pregnant and already have a baby with this man i think if you want the baby you should Have it xxxxx

I just want to address the point that if you do decide to terminate, it won't hurt the baby.

Other than that it's entirely up to you, please remove him from the equation entirely and think carefully about both options and outcomes and the effect they'd have on you and your first daughter. Unfortunately I don't think either will be easy, but you will have support x

OP do you really want to be a single parent to 2 kids?

Where’s it going to end?
You’re going to keep having kids and be a single parent trying to juggle a social life, a job, all of your kids, trying to date etc it’s just not worth it.

Do you not want to find someone who genuinely likes you and want to be with you?
Imagine planning a baby with someone you love who is excited for the news that you are pregnant.

OP you should have a termination (I don’t say that lightly) and then move on with your life.
Concentrate on being a mum and making your new flat a nice home.
Make sure you try and socialise with other parents as much as possible and then when you are ready, start dating men who want to be with you.

You cant really believe he will take your daughter for 15 hours a week when you go back to work?
Seriously?
Whatever you decide to do about this second pregnancy you need to get rid of him.
You are already a single parent... surely you have worked that out ?

I’m a practical person so I’d consider the practicalities to see if it were possible:

• can you fit two cots in your bedroom?
• when your elder needs a bed, is there space?
• can you afford 2x nursery fees? (I wouldn’t count on him doing 15hrs whilst you work)
• can you afford a 2 bed flat?
• what if you were admitted to hospital during the pregnancy, do you have someone (not him) to look after your elder whilst you’re giving birth?
• how could you cope if you needed a section, are there stairs in your building or a lift
• money: if your second mat leave is unpaid, how will you live?

I know it’s a cold approach but I would look at those practical facts first.

Adoption is an option to consider as PP said

And I agree, this man is not your boyfriend. You are a single parent.

She's already a single parent and will already be juggling all of those things as a parent of 1, having another child won't make much difference at this point especially as they're close in age so this period of her life will be compressed.

It's actually quite mad how everyone is telling her to abort despite the fact it's clear from her follow up posts that that would probably traumatise her and she'd be thinking about the child forever

So you already have a 2 year old and a 5 month old?

In your position i would not continue your current pregnancy, focus on your little ones.

OP I'm not going to push you either way as I believe you want this baby, however, you do really need to consider some of the details before making the final decision

1. The obvious one is finances. I'm going to guess you're not in a high flying career based on you living in a 1 bed flat with your daughter. As you're already aware babies cost money; clothes, equipment, bottles (or pumping equipment if breastfeeding), and then as they get older it's toys, activities, extra curriculars. You need to look at your earning potential and see how much you'll be spending on one child, then multiply it by 2. You can reuse some equipment, maybe some clothes. And you'll be entitled to some financial help as well such as Universal Credit. Also make sure CMS is claimed at the correct rate - don't agree to a private agreement as it sounds like he would try to get out of paying for a second child which he didn't want.

1. Housing - you do need the space to have 2 children. It's fine sharing a 1 bed when they're small but eventually they'll need their own room to go into. Look into the costs and availability in your area

1. Childcare- realistically your ex is not going to be reliable childcare for the baby you have now for 15 hours a week. Does he not work himself? You say he only really sees them once aweek and that he doesn't make much of an effort so you would be better off sorting out something more concrete with either a nursery or childminder. Childminders tend to be a bit cheaper if you can get one and most accept free hours/ you can claim back a portion of the costs through Universal credit. But again, you will have to multiply this by 2 if you have another baby.

She's already a single parent and will already be juggling all of those things as a parent of 1, having another child won't make much difference at this point especially as they're close in age so this period of her life will be compressed.

Most people space their children so that they are only paying for one set of nursery fees at a time. So does this 'compression' method assume that the OP will give up her job and live on benefits for a few years? She only works 15 hours so unless it's very well paid how is she going to afford 2 sets of nursery fees?

It’s the OP’s decision though. Not yours or anyone else’s.

You need to prioritise your existing children im afraid how will you pay for and house both children? They come first!!!