Got pregnant too soon after having a baby now don’t know what to do … help

[Peaches92]

Hi everyone
I will start by saying that I got pregnant very early into my relationship and at the time my bf didn’t want me to go ahead. I obviously did and my daughter was born in June and is everything to me. Obviously bf came round to the idea and loves her but he doesn’t live with me and only really sees her maybe once a week and is not exactly a full time dad. He has 2 older children and didn’t exactly want to do it all again. Our relationship hasn’t been the best as he and I disagree on a lot and he would rather do his own thing than include me or our daughter in plans. Anyway , before I moved to my 1 bed flat I couldn’t stay here for a few nights as I didn’t have a bed so we stayed at his for maybe 3 nights. We had broken up at this point so I felt a little awkward about it all. Long story short, because I wasn’t expecting to be intimate with him as we hadn’t been for many weeks and we weren’t together I wasn’t taking any precautions and he didn’t either and one thing led to another (initiated by him). I didn’t really think anything of it but then worried a bit when period was late. I spoke to him about it and he said ‘we won’t be having any more kids I’m telling you that now’. I ended up getting a test thinking it would clear it up and to my right, surprise I’m pregnant.
Honestly I was disappointed and he walked straight out and said I’ll have to sort myself out. He said he would message me later and didn’t so because I was upset I went to my mum’s with my daughter.
My problem is I don’t know what to do, I am in a 1 bedroom flat with my 5 month old and not working, and bf has made it clear he wants me to get rid of it which I don’t really agree with. I was never against more children but didn’t think it would happen this soon (I know I was silly). Although I wish I’d been more careful I don’t think I could bring myself to do anything to stop this but he is very angry with me. I’m also worried about obviously needing a bigger place eventually and what will happen. Thanks for reading and any advice would be appreciated

You have to be real here. You will likely end up a single parent to 2 kids. You will have you and 2 kids in a one bedroom flat sure you can apply for council housing but you may be surprised how long the list is and actually there will be others considered more in need and you could be waiting 2-5 years for even a 2 bed just because overcrowded doesn't mean you get the next available house. You've mentioned you don't work, how do you plan to pay for these kids? Babies are expensive. I would like to know why you didn't get the morning after pill? I'm sorry I'm just being honest. I have one kid I'm a single parent I could not afford another one nor fit another one in my home so I take great care to not get pregnant. Perhaps the time isn't right but if you want this baby of course that is down to you but just be aware it will be difficult simply in the housing situation alone.

It’s the OP’s decision though. Not yours or anyone else’s.

Yes but she posted on here asking for people's views. No-one forced her to do that. People are posting what they would do in her position and the majority are saying they would terminate for very sensible reasons. She can choose to ignore all their views but she will have to accept the consequences of her decision as described by posters.

@SaltyGod makes some very good points.

I’d hate to be the children how embarrassing that’s how you were brought into the world.

Please don't ever say this about a child. There is no embarrassment to being alive, however it came about!! Good grief some people on here this morning!

Agreed. That is dreadful.

One of my friends is the product of her mum having had a fling with a married man and then he disowned her.

Why on earth should my friend harbour any negative feelings about herself for that? It wasn't her fault.

I can't believe actual mothers would say such a thing about children. It's usually the child free that get told they're uncaring for children but quite the contrary.

My point is that some of the comments on here are awful and completely unnecessary. I shouldn’t be surprised it is mumsnet after all but jeez.

Where does it say she has a 2 year old?

There are worse things in life than having a (second) baby. Do what's right for you and what you can live with going forward.
Don't consider your exbf's reaction - it takes two to tango, he was happy to have sex with you without contraception. The decision to progress with the pregnancy, or not, is now your decision not his because you are the one that will live with the consequences either way.
I hope you have a strong support network around you.

There’s a huge difference between having 1 or 2 children.

How is she going to afford to live if she can’t get a second lot of maternity pay?

Whose going to look after her first child when she’s giving birth to her second?

How is she going to juggle the waking nights with 2 young kids?

How is she going to juggle getting them both ready in the mornings, to be able to go to work and paying childcare for 2 kids?

Where does it end?
If she has this baby then what happens next time she gets pregnant?
If having 2 is no different to having 1, then having 3 or 4+ should be no different.

Having 2+ kids as a single parent is way more difficult than having just 1 (which is difficult enough).

I can't speak for everyone else but that was never something I personally considered when I had my children and I believe the vast majority of mothers of young babies/toddlers give up their job and yes go on benefits if there's not a father to be a breadwinner. (I'm sure y'all will hit me with a feminist rant but that's just the reality of most mothers I know)
15 hours of nursery is free from the age of 2 or 3

THIS!
Look after one child well, especially In a one bedroomed place and without a decent supportive husband.

He sounds like a complete waste of space.

One child is much easier to manage as a single parent.

If you don't want to terminate (and as it's your body it's your choice, plus only you really know how you feel about the reality), 2 close together is probably better than 2 further apart. Room sharing is more realistic with kids at the same age and stage but you've still got the opportunity to hand down without storing being a pain.

Nursery fees will be a hit but you'll be out the other side sooner (UC, free hours from 2/3/whenever) will help.

In hindsight having kids closer together would have helped me as with the classic 3 years you have longer paying nursery fees, the 2nd maternity leave doesn't help avoid nursery costs as you feel you can't take the settled child out of nursery plus you'd lose their place, plus the nursery, wraparound, school juggle is difficult too.

I should also add that being skint for a few years may be better for the op then a lifetime of regret about aborting her child. For me personally that would be the case. It's her choice though. Stop telling her the only option is abortion

Early termination is not ''a child'' though.
Plenty of women have terminations as the timing isn't right , especially in the very early stages.

And you could stop pushing the 'lifelong regret' narrative

@Leah5678 most mothers give up work and rely on benefits? Do they? That’s not my experience at all. We must mix in very different circles.

Op - your mind seems made up so you need to do the maths on finances and how you’re going to manage with two children, very likely going it alone. Do you have a wider support network nearby? You’re going to need them.

Did you read all of ops posts? Even the follow up ones. She says herself that she'd probably feel that way. Some people do. Not everyone thinks and experiences things the same way you do

I didn't say "most rely on benefits" I did say most give up work though. Usually the dad is the breadwinner but if not that is what benefits are there for. You may not approve of your taxes being spent that way and that's understandable but don't tell op the only option is abortion

You'd be insane to have another kid with this man. Honestly, lose his phone number, get a termination and concentrate on you and your existing child. Life is hard enough without making decisions to make it worse.

You're right, you can't speak for everyone. I don't know ANY mothers (and yes I know single mothers) who gave up work and lived off benefits. The majority of decent people want to maintain their independence and not depend on the state paying for their children.

Too many people pushing for abortion.

You can make this work if you choose to keep this baby. Yes it will be hard in the initial years but it will get easier (crazy as it sounds its easier to have two than one sometimes)

If you decided not to go ahead with keeping the baby, do you think you could cope with the regret and what ifs? Its very difficult to get past that.

The man has no right to expect anything from you. He has three children already. He knew what could happen if protection wasnt used. So did you.

She gambled and lost. Two oops babies...that was not a mistake.

She chose to have unprotected sex again. He doesn't deserve all the blame.

I dont understand why when he's so unbothered about her she'd think it a good idea to have sex with him again and try and make him be with her. It didn't work the first time

It's done now have the baby or don't but he won't be around.

Do you realise how difficult life is when you’re skint?

Benefits is barely enough to live on and should never be seen as anything but the absolute last option.

If this is what OP wants then she will manage but it will be extremely difficult.

It will also get more difficult with the more children she has.
I understand women not agreeing with abortions but how many children is going to be too many.
This is going to keep happening if OP keeps having sex with this man whenever he asks for it.

This a very hard situation. You and this terrible excuse for a man have both been silly to have unprotected sex obviously, but whats done is done and if you do want to keep this baby then dont feel forced into aborting because you will regret it for the rest of your life. This has to be your decision. As for him, you do need to face the reality that you will most likely be a single mum so it would be a time to work out what steps to take to do what is best only for you and your child/children. Do you have family or friends closeby you can lean on for support? If not is there the option to move closer to people who can support you? You need to take this prick out of the equation and start planning life/finances around there being only you and your children.

If you want to keep the baby, then go for it. It'll work out somehow.