Got pregnant too soon after having a baby now don’t know what to do … help

[Peaches92]

Hi everyone
I will start by saying that I got pregnant very early into my relationship and at the time my bf didn’t want me to go ahead. I obviously did and my daughter was born in June and is everything to me. Obviously bf came round to the idea and loves her but he doesn’t live with me and only really sees her maybe once a week and is not exactly a full time dad. He has 2 older children and didn’t exactly want to do it all again. Our relationship hasn’t been the best as he and I disagree on a lot and he would rather do his own thing than include me or our daughter in plans. Anyway , before I moved to my 1 bed flat I couldn’t stay here for a few nights as I didn’t have a bed so we stayed at his for maybe 3 nights. We had broken up at this point so I felt a little awkward about it all. Long story short, because I wasn’t expecting to be intimate with him as we hadn’t been for many weeks and we weren’t together I wasn’t taking any precautions and he didn’t either and one thing led to another (initiated by him). I didn’t really think anything of it but then worried a bit when period was late. I spoke to him about it and he said ‘we won’t be having any more kids I’m telling you that now’. I ended up getting a test thinking it would clear it up and to my right, surprise I’m pregnant.
Honestly I was disappointed and he walked straight out and said I’ll have to sort myself out. He said he would message me later and didn’t so because I was upset I went to my mum’s with my daughter.
My problem is I don’t know what to do, I am in a 1 bedroom flat with my 5 month old and not working, and bf has made it clear he wants me to get rid of it which I don’t really agree with. I was never against more children but didn’t think it would happen this soon (I know I was silly). Although I wish I’d been more careful I don’t think I could bring myself to do anything to stop this but he is very angry with me. I’m also worried about obviously needing a bigger place eventually and what will happen. Thanks for reading and any advice would be appreciated

She has a job, she's on maternity leave.

PLEASE read the thread.

She has a job, she's on maternity leave.

But the OP says that whilst she thinks she could take another maternity leave, she doesn't think she'd be paid so how could she support herself? Is the man who barely sees his current child really going to look after 2 babies for 15 hours a week?

How very sad. Poor kids.

I'm not arguing with that, was just pointing out that the snobby comment wasn't accurate.

I'm thinking that the OP currently actually wants to keep sleeping with this particular man because she is still referring to him as her 'bf', willing to sleep with him even if they are 'broken up', and he is the father of her child.

My point was more that if she chooses to pursue that for her own pleasure, to be aware that it is primarily a leisure activity rather than the foundations of a happily-ever-after.

I was then cynical that one additional motivation behind continuing to sleep with him on that casual basis in the near future might be that he is already there, willing (and she obviously fancies him and wants to) whereas finding someone else and forming a sexual relationship whilst already pregnant or looking after two young babies would be a lot of faff/very hard to do logistically - she has a lot of things to be sorting out right now, joining the dating scene would be another one.

Once she has passed the initial hump of things like advanced pregnancy, initial sleep deprivation, etc (esp. if the older child starts nursery) I fully agree that, as for many women with two children, other dating options will become readily available - and tbh the bar of "being a better option than the current partner as described in the OP" is very achievable.

Well he’s already a crap dad and that is very unlikely to change.
If you keep this baby you need to have a solid plan to fulfil both your children’s needs. Crap dad needs to provide financial support at the absolute minimum.
If he can’t or won’t support you financially; then unless you can earn something reasonable I’m not sure you should bring another child into the situation .

Please don’t bring another baby into this awful situation. Need to put your own feelings aside and do what’s right.

In your far from ideal circumstances i would have the baby as you already have to deal with him as a co-parent. Nothing stays the same for ever and you are not destined to a life of misery in a one bed apartment. People have survived worse. 2 small children is very hard work but on the plus side they'll be into the same things at the same time.

Thanks everyone for advice. I have been very upset and as people keep pointing out yes I feel very irresponsible but what’s done is done. I don’t know what I’m going to do but I came on here for some kind of support from anyone not to be shamed and be told things like they feel sorry for the children. I am barely holding it together today as it is and I’m doing my absolute best for my daughter but this is difficult especially being so lonely living on my own and with her dad disappearing. I am going to speak to my doctor and health visitor and get some counselling before I decide what to do and try and make my decision soon. I appreciate the advice but I’m not such an awful mother as people have been making out my daughter is a very happy child and has everything I can give her even if I don’t have lots of money and a big house I try my best I really do. And as for the comments about me not working I used to work 35 hours a week right up until 2 weeks before I had my daughter and I’m now on maternity leave but I’m not someone who has been on benefits their whole life. I regret asking anyone anything on here as it’s made me feel even more sick with worry than I already did before but thanks for the few people who have been non judgemental

@Peaches92 ignore the people telling you off for the things you are aware you've done. Listen to the good advice. There's a post I saw earlier with links to BPAS etc. Look at those places. I know they seem to be recommending abortion, but that's not what they are. They are family planning style organisations who can offer you free (and fast) counselling to help you decide what's best for you, whether you then take up their options for treatment is up to you. Do what feels right. And work out how to do it the best you can.

Abortion is NOT murder.

FFS.

I really don't get the "I'll be thinking of what could have been". Every time you have a period you're losing what could be half a person. If you had had sex a different month you wouldn't have your daughter, you'd have a completely different child.

Right now there's no baby. There's an embryo with no ability to think, and a living child who needs you. Personally I think having another child in your current situation is extremely selfish and not in your daughters' best interest.

Please don't play around with chance in the future. Same goes to the awful dad. It's not fair on your child.

OP you might not be a bad mum but your ex is a bad dad.

This is something you have to think about because your kids have to live with it.

I just hope you’re not thinking of having this baby to try and rekindle this relationship, as that’s not going to work.

Take your ex out of the situation.
Can you cope as a single parent on your own with 2 kids?

You say things are difficult enough as they are and that you are lonely etc but this is all going to get worse by having another baby.

If you decide to keep the baby then that is ok but take a few days to decide what’s best for you, your current child and the new baby.

@ every word of this is true

I have to ask why you didn't take the morning after pill? It's readily available. You had unprotected sex with a man that you knew absolutely didn't want to have more children. He was utterly irresponsible sleeping with you without protection. We have a fail safe available to us ( something so many women across the world would kill for) and it's unfathomable that you didn't use it. Why?

How is this helpful?

He's angry with you?! Did you force his dick into you? He sounds totally and completely and utterly and eternally horrible and a massive waste of human life I know you want another child but I really would cut your losses here.. you need as little dependence on this man as is possible

No, you don't need to ask that.

It's none of your business and is of no help to the OP.

Whatever you decide about this pregnancy, stop dating this loser! And wise up on contraception.

Well I think you can count the feckless bloke out of your life if you have the baby or not to be honest. He’s not really around now is he… Stop sleeping with him!

You need to make a list of pros and cons of having another child. How you’ll manage financially if you decide to keep the baby, childcare if you work, do you have any family support? you’ll need to get your name down on the housing list, find out about benefits you can claim and work out if you can afford it. When you can return to work etc. Make a practical list first at least.

It’s a difficult situation as you already seem attached. Your hormones are all over the place. Seek professional advice, no one here knows what you are going through. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time on here.

I fell pregnant with my second when the eldest was 5 months old. Our relationship was rock solid and having 2 that close together threw a bomb in the middle of our relationship that very almost destroyed it. Financially, it's costing us 1700 a month for them to go to nursery 4 days a week.
It's hard juggling them even with 2 of us. I know there are people who have the same gap and manage alone but I can't imagine how hard that would be.
At the end of the day it's your choice and only you can make it. I would imagine you will be doing it without the father though as he sounds like a complete waste of space.
Good luck OP I hope it works out for you.