Got pregnant too soon after having a baby now don’t know what to do … help

[Peaches92]

Hi everyone
I will start by saying that I got pregnant very early into my relationship and at the time my bf didn’t want me to go ahead. I obviously did and my daughter was born in June and is everything to me. Obviously bf came round to the idea and loves her but he doesn’t live with me and only really sees her maybe once a week and is not exactly a full time dad. He has 2 older children and didn’t exactly want to do it all again. Our relationship hasn’t been the best as he and I disagree on a lot and he would rather do his own thing than include me or our daughter in plans. Anyway , before I moved to my 1 bed flat I couldn’t stay here for a few nights as I didn’t have a bed so we stayed at his for maybe 3 nights. We had broken up at this point so I felt a little awkward about it all. Long story short, because I wasn’t expecting to be intimate with him as we hadn’t been for many weeks and we weren’t together I wasn’t taking any precautions and he didn’t either and one thing led to another (initiated by him). I didn’t really think anything of it but then worried a bit when period was late. I spoke to him about it and he said ‘we won’t be having any more kids I’m telling you that now’. I ended up getting a test thinking it would clear it up and to my right, surprise I’m pregnant.
Honestly I was disappointed and he walked straight out and said I’ll have to sort myself out. He said he would message me later and didn’t so because I was upset I went to my mum’s with my daughter.
My problem is I don’t know what to do, I am in a 1 bedroom flat with my 5 month old and not working, and bf has made it clear he wants me to get rid of it which I don’t really agree with. I was never against more children but didn’t think it would happen this soon (I know I was silly). Although I wish I’d been more careful I don’t think I could bring myself to do anything to stop this but he is very angry with me. I’m also worried about obviously needing a bigger place eventually and what will happen. Thanks for reading and any advice would be appreciated

FGS don't have another baby with this useless bloke.

If you don't want an abortion don't have one, but do get rid of this useless bloke and concentrate on yourself and your babies.

Work out the finances , make sure you're getting everything you can benefits wise. I don't really see two babies as any harder than one especially with a close age gap (I'm a single parent.)

If he didn't want any more kids he should have thought of that before he jumped into bed with you, he must have worked out how pregnancy occurs by now. You need to consider what is right for you, in terms of whether to continue the pregnancy or not. In practical terms, can you apply to your local council/housing association for a bigger property, and have you put in a claim for child support from him for your oldest child?

This. I can't believe you'd even consider it. You have no job and no space for two children. I think you need to do what's best for your daughter. Also, get the injection to prevent this happening again.

Don’t bring another child into this dysfunctional set up. It’s not fair.

First dump him
Second work out what to do with pregnancy- it takes two ro tango,and you were both stupid. You'll manage if you keep the baby , and also manage if you decide it really isn't right.

This man is not a boyfriend, and it's not a relationship. He's a waste of space and you deserve much much better.

He does help me financially already I have to give him credit there, I just feel a bit stupid this has happened and he fully blames me and takes no responsibility for it

Honestly for your sake and the sake of your 5month old, you need to think about aborting this pregnancy.
You made a silly decision to have sex unprotected and now you need to make a hard decision.

People will come along and say you will manage with 2 very young children on your own, but in reality you will scrape by being very miserable.

Focus on providing for your existing child.

1 I do have a job I’m on maternity leave. And 2 I’m not a bad mother and I do everything for my daughter I just feel if I didn’t go through with it I’d feel bad for the rest of my life and not be able to forget about the baby that could have been

Why is he angry with you when he wasn't bothered enough to use protection? He's just as responsible for having or not having children as you are. This guy will never add anything positive to your life, he's selfish and takes no accountability for his own actions and behaviour. He's effectively gaslighting you and placing all responsibility on you. He's shown he's not able to be who you or your child need and you can't depend on him in a pinch. He's very angry with himself but is taking it out on you so he doesn't need to deal with it. He is a walking red flag.

If you don't want to have an abortion or give the baby up then don't, it's your body and your choice. But do get rid of this guy and give yourself the chance to find someone who will step up and be the partner you need and deserve and who will actually be a role model to your kids. And do go through cms to get him to pay his share. Do you have family support who can help you through the next steps, who could help you with childcare etc?

I would also agree that regardless of what you decide then get yourself booked in for the coil or implant etc as soon as you can so you're protected without needing to think about it.

It isn’t just about you though is it. A second baby is not going to benefit from being born in these circumstances and neither will your first-they deserve better. You owe your daughter the best start possible and that doesn’t include you being pregnant and then having another baby to look after. It means giving her your undivided attention and financial resources.
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I don't know. The older baby will have a sibling. They'll have each other. I know not all sibling relationships are good but this one might be.

I was never against more children but didn’t think it would happen this soon (I know I was silly).

As gently as possible 2 oops pregnancies is a bit of a coincidence. I wouldn't be surprised if you're happy he is lax with contraception and you seem to carry a torch for him. He's an awful father to your first and if he didn't step for the first he won't for the second.

How will it be with work if you take a second maternity leave or don't come back from the first one?

You're getting some posters telling you what to do and that's not fair. It sounds like you don't want to abort. As many others have said if you want this baby then do. If you don't that's also ok. But they are absolutely right this man is a drain on you when you need to concentrate on yourself and the babes. A 1 bed is fine for now. Either put them in the bedroom and get a pull down bed for the lounge (there's so good links on previous posts) if you need your own space or have all of you in one room and a big pax type wardrobe (room or lounge) it's doable and you can absolutely manage. Join some mums groups - as you can tell from here most of us won't judge and will help if we can. Don't be scared to ask for help from virtual mum friend strangers. It's hard. We know this. This man though, sounds like dead weight. You have no obligation to him. Best of luck. Xx

Thanks for your comment, I definitely didn’t want this to happen. On top of how he’s not been there much for my daughter, I’m only just getting over the effects of the first pregnancy on my body and it’s finally got easier with her sleeping etc. But I just feel if I don’t have it I’ll be thinking of it like my daughter and always wondering what could have been and if it hurt the baby. I’m going to give it to the end of the week to decide what to do as on the test it’s only 1-2 weeks so it’s still very early. As for mat leave I think I can take another one but it wouldn’t be paid, I was planning to go back in Feb and him to have her for the 15 hours I work per week to help me.

Your priority has to be your existing child.
You are currently unemployed, and in your current state, unemployable. The relationship is going nowhere and it is only a matter of time before you will need financial independence to provide for your kid.

Ahh just seen you ARE working - that is something.

IMO, don't prioritize what COULD be a child over what IS a living child.

Don't let him emotionally blackmail you into aborting if you don't want to. He may even come around to it like he did the first child. I'm just adding perspective seeing as most posters here are telling you to abort.
Circumstances will most likely improve, I grew up in a one bed me and my sibling shared a room and the lounge had our parents sofa.

Your situation sounds really tough OP, but it sounds like you're determined to do the right thing for your little one, which shows how strong you are.

Yes, it was silly to have unprotected sex, but it wasn't solely your fault.

I think you should do whatever you feel is right for you, but I would definitely assume that you'll be doing it without his support.

*sofa that extended into a bed

I'm sorry to say but that was super irresponsible of you both. What an awful situation you're now all in.

No-one can tell you what to do but ultimately consider the reality of this. Even a functional, wealthy, 2 parent household would struggle with a 2nd child so soon and you think you'll be able to raise them both and share a bedroom with both and financially support them both?

I think bringing a baby into this mess would be unfair on the child and unfair on your daughter who is dependent and vulnerable enough as it is.

You do not have to give a man credit for making a financial contribution to raising his child.

It's important you understand this and get some support with raising your standards and expectations.

You didn't ejaculate into yourself.

Point this out when he's next a dick about it.

He could have

Not had sex
Withdrawn before he came (no fool proof and he's clearly an idiot)
Used a condom
Had a vasectomy
Talked to you about the MAP.

Instead he got laid and didn't care.

He doesn't get extra credit for providing financially for the kids he made. If you go ahead, he had to provide for them both.

But please stop having sex with him. You deserve more

Do what's right for you.

I fell pregnant quite soon after having my first and went straight ahead with an abortion. I was only just figuring out motherhood and wasn't in a place to raise a second child so soon. I would have a serious think about the realities of having two kids because it's hard. I have friends who had a second child and regret it despite being in a relationship, big enough house, etc. Kids are so expensive too - can you afford nursery for two children when you go back to work?

Yeah I don’t think the “he might come around to it” holds up when he’s only seeing the one he already has once a week.
This isn’t really a boyfriend, is it? It’s a man who has sex with you and leaves you.
You’re going to have regrets whatever you do.