I’m pregnant…. And I’m having an abortion

[xxmumof2]

Handhold please.

I’ve just found out I’m pregnant (not sure how far along yet) and I’m completely in shambles. This baby was not planned whatsoever. I take the contraceptive pill but I am completely dosy when it comes to taking it. I suppose you could say it’s my own fault I’m pregnant, but I really could do without hearing that right now - I already know that.

I have 2 children, a 6 year old boy from a previous relationship, and a toddler who’s just turned 1 with my current partner. Our living conditions are not the best as it is, we are living in a 1 bed flat with 2 kids, however we manage with this (just about). The idea of having another child in here is just ridiculous - my 2nd child was already a push, but again, we manage with this.

in addition to living conditions, I also had premature rupture with baby 2, at 24 weeks, which led to weekly hospital visits, induction at 37 weeks, and I developed sepsis and had to stay in hospital. I’m lucky my baby made it to 37 weeks - most babies with this are very premature and unwell, which I was prepared for during diagnosis.

The chances of the same thing happening to me in this pregnancy would be high. I don’t want to get sepsis again and possibly leave behind my 2 boys I already have. I don’t want to be terrified 24/7 of my waters breaking early and having a poorly baby.

For the last 9 months, I’ve been receiving help and treatment for extreme generalised anxiety disorder and some depression. I’m currently going to CBT and taking Duloxetine. I had ongoing chest pain which I’m waiting for heart echo results for, but when going to a&e and speaking to the cardiac specialist, nothing was found to be wrong with it so far - It’s looking very much like it’s brought on by anxiety. I also suffer severe panic attacks.

If you add all of these things together, it would be completely unreasonable to have another child. My mental health has never been gleaming, but I am able to cope well taking care of the 2 children I have now - However, my mental health took a horrific dip after birth with my 2nd. I’m only just starting to get a bit better and minimise the amount of panic attacks I’ve been having. I know having another baby would make these worse, and it wouldn’t be fair to the baby, or to the children I already have.

In the same sense, I’m completely shattered and upset that abortion appears to be my only choice. Looking at my 2 children now, I couldn’t imagine life without them, and I would always wonder who this child would have turned out to be. I take things very hard and I’m worried for the state of my mental health after realising I am going to have to abort my baby. I don’t know what to think. Please can anyone give me some advice? I feel sick.

@HowDoYouExpectMeToGrowIfYouWontLetMeBlow im sorry to hear of this and I hope your children are doing well now - Did you feel sad about the abortion at the time? I feel like I don’t have a right to be upset as I’m actively choosing to go for an abortion.

That doesn’t take away the risks to life from pregnancy though

Given that the OP has said this:

I also had premature rupture with baby 2, at 24 weeks, which led to weekly hospital visits, induction at 37 weeks, and I developed sepsis and had to stay in hospital. I’m lucky my baby made it to 37 weeks - most babies with this are very premature and unwell, which I was prepared for during diagnosis.

The chances of the same thing happening to me in this pregnancy would be high.

Then your suggestion @Creepyrosemary is really bad advice.

It’s the sensible thing to do, another baby would be unfair on your existing children and you. Could you get the coil so you don’t have to go through this again?

As you know, the OP knows adoption exists, so it’s not kind or helpful to post this.

If you don’t approve of termination, don’t post.

Apart from that, it wouldn’t address her health concerns, and neither is it likely to make her feel better - giving up a child you’ve given birth to is gut wrenching.

It sounds like you've made the right choice OP. But please make sure you're on a form of contraception that works for you once your abortion is taken care of. The implant or injection would save you having to remember to take a pill and will guard against this situation happening again.

I felt sure about my abortion but still cried and felt devastated. Part of that was shame about getting myself into that situation, guilt, hormones etc etc it's complicated, of course it's difficult. Be kind to yourself xxxxx

Alternatively the OPs partner could decide to save her from a lifetime of chemical or mechanical contraception and possible future failure, and have the snip.

I didn’t find the suggestion of adoption very helpful, quite insensitive and as other posters have said, it would still pose a massive risk to my health so wouldn’t really help me with that part? In terms of getting another form of contraception after the abortion, that will be number 1 priority for me once the abortion is done. At the moment, however, I was looking more for advice on my emotional state.

My children are older teens now, and perfectly healthy 😊

I was extremely sad, I felt guilty, I felt regret, but I knew that the chances of another prem baby were high, therefore I made the right decision.

You have every right to be upset, you will grieve and that’s ok. You have to put your health and your family first.

Wishing you all the best OP x

I’d look into LARC contraceptives for afterwards OP. - Long Acting Reversible Contraception - things like the implant, a coil (hormonal or copper) or the injection.
It sounds like an abortion is the right decision for you and your family right now and that’s fine. It’s fine to feel whatever emotions the situation brings up. You might well feel a confusing mix of sadness or guilt but also relief. More abortions are requested by women who are already mothers than by women who have not had a child before. Often for reasons similar to yours. Space, time, money and health risks. Be kind to yourself. Sometimes all the decisions are painful and we can only choose the least bad option.

I'm so sorry your going through this op

If it's an option I would opt for surgical route, that's just from my experience if you're already feeling distressed by the idea of abortion.

Read up as much as you can beforehand so you know exactly what to expect.

There's lots of supportive threads on mumsnet with people who have been exactly where you are now, reach out if you need too

@Darkmode2 Thank you so much. Do you know where I’d find these?

OP you sound very sensible. I would make the same choice in your situation.

You said you don't feel like you can be sad because you're choosing this option. Of course you can also feel sad! You will have a whole range of emotions and that's normal and doesnt mean it's the wrong choice either.

I agree the post about adoption is insensitive. 🙄

If posters can't be supportive of your choice they should just scroll past.

Try to focus on your reasons and make sure you get lots of support emotionally from your partner and anyone else in your life who supports you.

I made the choice of abortion in my younger years and I've never regretted it. It was the right choice for my very individual situation at that point in my life just as this is for you now. Good luck op.

I think you sound very sensible. Plenty of people keep bringing babies into the world without half a thought of how to house them or any of the other things you’ve considered, so I think you sound really responsible. Just because a decision is hard doesn’t mean it’s not right.

I'm sorry you found it insensitive. I only suggested it because you said you felt guilty about terminating. I thought you were still not 100 percent sure on how to proceed. I was just trying to highlight it because it so often isn't discussed as an option. It sounds like you did decide on terminating. Maybe you can contact the clinic if they can refer you to a therapist? I once had to terminate due to medical reasons on babies side and seeing a therapist specialised in this really helped me.

Can’t sleep because I’m awake thinking about this. I know I can’t have this baby. That doesn’t stop this from hurting though. I can’t stop crying, knowing I have to get rid. So much guilt but also, so many what ifs. I’ve never been through this before and didn’t think it was anywhere near this difficult. Feeling so sad right now.

Hiya, sorry this is so hard. I know this is such a typical MN thing to say, but could you see a therapist? I don't usually suggest it actually but I saw my old therapist for a one off when I was struggling with my emotions about this and it was amazingly helpful. I actually spoke with the BPAS counsellor as well but they were rubbish, maybe that's luck of the draw.

Have you booked an appointment to begin the process of termination? In this country they offered me counseling several times.

One thing that helped me, was to write a compassionate letter to myself to acknowledge that this is a difficult decision, but to also reinforce that I'm making it for valid reasons and to positively value my decision. You can reframe this as knowing what is best for you and give yourself permission to make this choice.

Be compassionate, let yourself off the hook, don't add suffering to your suffering. Do you use Pinterest? That has lots of self compassion quotes, I leaned on that too.

@NutellaEllaElla i have booked my telephone consultation and got a confirmation it will be on Tuesday. I’ve never done this so unsure if counselling will be offered, but if it is, I will be happy to accept it. I’m currently engaging in CBT Therapy for anxiety, and although I will likely tell my therapist what’s happened (as I’m currently identifying triggers), I wouldn’t be able to properly unpack this, as it’s more CBT to cope with the anxiety.

Thank you for your kind words. It’s been a terribly rough night.

If it's BPAS, then they offer counselling. I appreciate your CBT sounds very focused so might not be what you need for this specific issue. If your therapist is experienced enough though, they should be able to pivot for a session or so.

Night time is the absolute worst isn't it? This is a tough time, but also time is a great healer so hold on. Have you got any friends or family you can talk to?

Is your partner being supportive? You are doing the right thing.

@RichardsGear he is very supportive. We both want the baby but unfortunately the circumstances mean we cannot. I’m feeling a lot of grief and struggling to come to terms with this.

@NutellaEllaElla im pretty sure that’s the service, yes. I will also tell my CBT counsellor about this at the next session. My partner is supportive and I have a close friend who has been through the same experience and she is also supporting me at the moment. I have a strained relationship with family so I’m not in a place to disclose this to them at the moment.

@xxmumof2 just checking in to see how you are feeling today? Hope you aren't too bad.

And remember - this is ultimately the best decision for your health, as you've said. Don't let family guilt you, don't feel pressured to go through with the pregnancy and am adoption as that still leaves you with the health issues.

Here if you need a hand hold.

@MedievalNun Thanks so much for checking, that’s so kind of you. I’m really struggling today and I’m also full of morning sickness and fatigue which is making it difficult to even do anything. I have to get up soon as I have deliveries to make and boxes to make up for tomorrow (I run my own business) unfortunately as I run a business solo I’m unable to take any time off. I found a teddy of a bunny rabbit on Etsy as a remembrance for baby loss and I am thinking of buying it as a keepsake to remember my baby.