I’m pregnant…. And I’m having an abortion

[xxmumof2]

Handhold please.

I’ve just found out I’m pregnant (not sure how far along yet) and I’m completely in shambles. This baby was not planned whatsoever. I take the contraceptive pill but I am completely dosy when it comes to taking it. I suppose you could say it’s my own fault I’m pregnant, but I really could do without hearing that right now - I already know that.

I have 2 children, a 6 year old boy from a previous relationship, and a toddler who’s just turned 1 with my current partner. Our living conditions are not the best as it is, we are living in a 1 bed flat with 2 kids, however we manage with this (just about). The idea of having another child in here is just ridiculous - my 2nd child was already a push, but again, we manage with this.

in addition to living conditions, I also had premature rupture with baby 2, at 24 weeks, which led to weekly hospital visits, induction at 37 weeks, and I developed sepsis and had to stay in hospital. I’m lucky my baby made it to 37 weeks - most babies with this are very premature and unwell, which I was prepared for during diagnosis.

The chances of the same thing happening to me in this pregnancy would be high. I don’t want to get sepsis again and possibly leave behind my 2 boys I already have. I don’t want to be terrified 24/7 of my waters breaking early and having a poorly baby.

For the last 9 months, I’ve been receiving help and treatment for extreme generalised anxiety disorder and some depression. I’m currently going to CBT and taking Duloxetine. I had ongoing chest pain which I’m waiting for heart echo results for, but when going to a&e and speaking to the cardiac specialist, nothing was found to be wrong with it so far - It’s looking very much like it’s brought on by anxiety. I also suffer severe panic attacks.

If you add all of these things together, it would be completely unreasonable to have another child. My mental health has never been gleaming, but I am able to cope well taking care of the 2 children I have now - However, my mental health took a horrific dip after birth with my 2nd. I’m only just starting to get a bit better and minimise the amount of panic attacks I’ve been having. I know having another baby would make these worse, and it wouldn’t be fair to the baby, or to the children I already have.

In the same sense, I’m completely shattered and upset that abortion appears to be my only choice. Looking at my 2 children now, I couldn’t imagine life without them, and I would always wonder who this child would have turned out to be. I take things very hard and I’m worried for the state of my mental health after realising I am going to have to abort my baby. I don’t know what to think. Please can anyone give me some advice? I feel sick.

If it helps at all, I think you’re being very sensible. I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation.

Thank you. I think it would be incredibly selfish to have a child that I wouldn’t be able to support financially, emotionally or housing wise. The kids I have now are well taken care of, healthy and happy and I do everything in the world for them. I’m also thinking of those two - I don’t think they’d want to see mummy having more mental health struggles because I’ve had a new baby, it just isn’t fair. It breaks my heart nonetheless.

I agree that you are being sensible with your circumstances. Take care 💐

You are doing the right thing. You have two already. Enjoy them x

I think you are being sensible. I would do the same and - I don’t want around sound like a cunt - but we’re pretty comfortable and I would still make the same choice.

Thank you so much everyone. I know it’s the right thing to do, for the sake of the baby, myself and my current kids. But I’m still sat here in tears, some feelings of guilt and some plain upset I have to get rid of my own child - Is this normal? To feel upset and grief even though your choosing to get rid?

Oh you poor mite. I do think you are doing the most sensible thing for you and you family but this doesn't automatically mean you're going to be doing a jig about it. Allow yourself to grieve (within reason) but don't guilt trip yourself - you know why you are doing this.

One thing I will say - if you forget to take your pill, talk to your GP or family planning about alternative forms of contraception so that you don't have similar problems again.

And sending a hug as well as hand-hold.

Agree with @MedievalNun. You need some more reliable contraception.
FWIW, you are making a very sensible decision for you and your existing children.

You have really thought this through and having been through an abortion myself, yes you do sometimes dwell on what could have been but I always look on the fact that I made the right choice at the time and wouldn't be where I am now if I hadn't. My situation could have been shattering right now and I could easily have never managed with being a young parent like some do. Look at what you do have and what you want in the future. When you look at your children, remind yourself you are also making the right choice for them because your health is the right choice for them. Hand hold op you will get through this and you are being sensible and brave right now and making the right choice for your family.

This happened to a friend of mine a couple of years ago, she knew a third would send her past her coping abilities mental health wise.
It was a difficult decision but she does not regret it now, feeling sad and wondering what may have been is entirely normal in these circumstances.
you could access some counselling via your GP if you think you need it xxx

I agree that it sounds sensible, and in your existing children’s best interests.

You're making the right decision for your family, you know that.

Doing the right thing for the right reasons doesn't mean it's easy... take care x

Me too.

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation, as well as your health issues. With all of that, I think an abortion is very sensible, and you really don't have to justify it to anyone else.

But from now, please make sure you're better with your contraception - perhaps consider sterilisation, or for your partner to have a vasectomy? It sounds like pregnancy is a major risk for you (and any baby) so you need to make sure that you don't conceive again.

Good luck

You are doing the right thing. Continuing this pregnancy could take a mother away from two little children, what you are doing is the best thing for your family.

Your second pregnancy sounds so scary. However, you do not need to explain your reasons to anyone for not continuing with the pregnancy.

You are doing absolutely the right thing. You are thinking of your family, your need to care for them, your own need to care for your physical and emotional health.

We make the best choices choices based on the facts that we know, and what you know at the present time is that your family will not sustain another child. It is all any of us can do.

Take care of yourself and I wish you well.

Did you ever have a de brief after your second pregnancy and birth? You can go through the notes with a professional and they can help you risk assess based on the cause of what happened before if you feel that may help ?

Having this baby could put my life at risk and, to think of my kids, particularly my 6 year old (as he’s older, understands more and has had his mum with him for 6 years) for me to not be here anymore because of it, would break my children’s hearts, especially the eldest child. There’s no guarantee I’d have premature rupture again, or how it would go next time around, but it’s still a risk to take, a risk more than someone without previous rupture would have. I’m only 25, I can’t risk my life even for the sake of my own self at this age. I hope I don’t sound selfish.

Of course you're not selfish! You are very sensible and wise, op. I truly believe that once the dust settles, you will be very content about your decision. Obviously, it's not something you'll be "happy" about, but you will know that it was absolutely the right decision. Please allow yourself to feel any emotion you need to. They are all to be expected.

I think you’re doing the right thing. Be kind to yourself but after I’d think about long acting contraception such as the coil or the implant, then you have 3-5 years or zero worry about contraception which helps when life is busy xx

Op you sound very wise and very practical. You are doing the right thing. And it's OK to feel some grief and pain, because it's a painful thing to go through. But the risks for you and your two children are too high

I wish you all the best, and agree that you should a) get it sorted ASAP and b) get some long term contraception sorted.

Xx

I aborted my 3rd child based on problems in my previous pregnancies, 2 very premature births and I just couldn’t put myself or another baby through that again. So I’ll send my sympathies to you, and also agree with others that I think you’re being sensible and not selfish at all.

I won’t lie, it wasn’t an easy decision but it was the best for my family.

I know it's not popular, but I just want to mention that open adoption is a possibility if that would make you feel better.

I wouldn’t be able to give my baby away once I’d given birth - I know for a fact I’d change my mind about adoption and want to bring it home, so that’s not an option for me.