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23 weeks pregnant found out father is married

477 replies

Soconfusedandsadx · 18/09/2023 10:25

NC for this but I've been on mumsnet a while.
I'm completely heartbroken.
I had no idea.
I am 22 weeks pregnant and received a message last week from my partner's wife!! Someone messaged her and told her her husband is having an affair and all about me.

He admitted it all and has chosen her. We weren't living together but we do work together and I was really happy being part of a couple. We spend lots of time together. I am in love with him and he says he is with me.
Turns out he is still married. He told me he was separated. 😢
I don't think I can continue my pregnancy alone. And the baby will be a reminder of what I have done and what he is.
I can have an abortion this week but I am on the cusp. I have been to Marie Stopes and had my initial consultation. I know the baby's sex and I have chosen a name. I can feel the baby moving.

I don't think there is an easy answer to this but I don't think I can have this child.
I am so angry and so sad and just feeling so stupid. I don't know what to do.
Please no horrible comments. I'm broken.
How can I have this child in this situation? I am already a single mum to three children from my now ended marriage.
I can't stop crying. I can't see a way out. I don't want to abort but mentally I am not strong enough to carry on with this pregnancy now. I don't think mentally i am strong enough to abort.

I was meant to have my abortion prep today and my surgery tomorrow but I've caught covid from my kids and they cancelled my appointment so now it's Thursday for my prep and Friday for surgery.
I'm under the care of my GP and I am also scheduled to see the perinatal mental health team next week as I have long standing mental health problems.
I've got to put my three children and myself ahead of this baby but I feel broken.
If you've got this far thank you for reading. I'm not sure if I have even posted this in the right section. Please feel free to report and ask to move if so. Thank you.

OP posts:
PinotPony · 20/09/2023 19:06

Your GP has given you beta blockers because your anxiety is through the roof. That speaks volumes.

I know it's hard but you really need to listen to your body and your own mind. Not suppress those feelings. Not force yourself to do something because somebody else has persuaded you it's the right course of action.

I'm concerned that you are viewing the abortion as a way to just go back to your old life and forget about this guy and your broken heart. You can pretend it never happened. But I honestly think you're underestimating the psychological fallout of an abortion at such a late stage.

Raising a child without its father around is fucking tough. It wouldn't be anything like your other kids. But many women do it every year. It doesn't ruin their lives. From a practical point of view, do you have the resources to raise a fourth child? Have you got the support from friends and family to manage?

I feel for you. Please keep talking it through with your loved ones. Whatever you decide, you'll need their support. x

Inthedeep · 20/09/2023 19:15

@Soconfusedandsadx I couldn’t read and run, your situation is heartbreaking and I feel so so sorry for you.

I’m so cross on your behalf that you haven’t been able to access any emergency counselling to help you before having to make your decision. You are being so brave and whichever decision you reach, know you have done your very best for your family.

The decision is yours and only yours to make, don’t let anyone sway you either way. Go with your gut and your heart. Whether you keep the baby or not, I really hope you can access support to help you over the coming week and months.

You are extremely brave ❤️.

JudyEdithPerry · 21/09/2023 09:16

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

WorkingOnMyMindset · 21/09/2023 10:38

You are in my thoughts and prayers today@Soconfusedandsadx xxx

Voraxaraptor · 21/09/2023 13:03

Thinking of you. X

HungryWisdom · 21/09/2023 13:32

What a heartbreaking situation 😞 so sorry you’ve been put through this, what an absolute bastard he is.

Hope you are ok today, whatever you decide 💐

justwantobeamum · 21/09/2023 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Sparklecats · 21/09/2023 21:58

Been thinking about you on and off all day OP. I hope whatever has happened that you have love and support around you right now. You will get through this and feel strong again. Please be gentle with yourself and reach out for as much support as you can. Sending you huge huge hugs and praying for you that you get through this time xo

LucieLemon · 21/09/2023 23:01

I can relay my experience of supporting a friend through a late term abortion, she was 23 weeks. For a bit of background, she had 5 children and the youngest was around 12mths old. Her partner was on the scene but was not supportive of the pregnancy, didn't think they'd manage another baby and financially things were very tight. She was not as set on ending the pregnancy and I think that's why she'd left it as long as she did, in the hope he'd come around.

She had the procedure over 2 days and she said that went as she expected and how it had been described to her. The staff were lovely and supportive throughout.

Afterwards she did struggle immensely with hormones, grief and guilt. That's not to say she made the wrong decision or would change it if she got the chance but she was unwell for a good while. She started having regular panic attacks and was given antidepressants and propanalol for anxiety by her GP. I would say it's taken a good 2 years for her to get back to better health. She now seems a lot more at peace with the past and the decision she made, but doesn't really talk about that period and I respect her wishes on that.

But her circumstances aren't your circumstances and our coping mechanisms are all different. She didn't access any sort of counselling or therapy afterwards, and tried to suppress a lot of what she was feeling. She hid the pregnancy from all her family so didn't have any of them to talk to or seek support from. It sounds as though you have a lovely support network around you family and friend wise, that helps a great deal.

Genuinely wish you all the best with whatever you decide to do, either way you will be ok x

justwantobeamum · 22/09/2023 06:15

Ridiculous that mn deleted my comment obviously we are not allowed to speak from experience and instead all tell OP to go and have an abortion and your sister is right you will get over it and your life will be back to normal!! OP, unless your sister has already had this happen (and no an early termination is not the same) she has no idea and I think it’s really unfair of her to try and tell you this will solve all your problems. It is not her that will have all of the emotions and the physical side of this. Either way, you have a long road ahead and will need lots of good counselling. I hope you have been able to access some.

Inthedeep · 22/09/2023 07:04

@justwantobeamum I, like many others read your comment last night before it got deleted. However, respectfully it wasn’t appropriate given that if the OP has decided to go ahead with the abortion, the process would have been already started by the time you posted yesterday evening. If read by the OP and she had/has decided to go ahead, your comments will have caused further anguish at a time she is probably already feeling at her lowest. Yesterday evening was not the appropriate time for your post given the time line the OP was on.

monsteramunch · 22/09/2023 07:43

Inthedeep · 22/09/2023 07:04

@justwantobeamum I, like many others read your comment last night before it got deleted. However, respectfully it wasn’t appropriate given that if the OP has decided to go ahead with the abortion, the process would have been already started by the time you posted yesterday evening. If read by the OP and she had/has decided to go ahead, your comments will have caused further anguish at a time she is probably already feeling at her lowest. Yesterday evening was not the appropriate time for your post given the time line the OP was on.

Well said, exactly this.

Soconfusedandsadx · 23/09/2023 13:48

Thank you all for your replies.
Due to testing positive for covid still, the decision was taken out of my hands again. They've moved it to next week when it is my absolute last chance saloon.
I can't see myself with this baby by myself. I won't be any good at it. I had a supportive husband before, and now I'm rock bottom.
I work with the father of this one and it's so hard.
I spoke to my manager last week and they have said they can move me to another department if I continue the pregnancy. To be honest I feel like just being signed off. But staying at home is no good for me either.
I have been googling a lot and I realise I am extremely extremely depressed. I can't see a way out. This has pushed me to a whole new low. Due to my mental health previously I raised it with a midwife and with the severe sickness I've been having, I told them I was feeling low because of med withdrawal. This was before the huge bombshell. I feel like I wasn't really listened to and taken seriously and now I am at crisis point.
I can't see how the perinatal team can help me now if I continue the pregnancy.
It has been easier to access an abortion than proper mental health support.
I really am very depressed. Still not 100% over covid. I'm so sad my limbs feel heavy. I can't sleep. I'm exhausted and I can't see a way forward. I can't eat properly.
I know if I continue my pregnancy I will feel like this until January, when the baby is due. I have to change offices, I have to go on maternity leave and be all by myself. No job to get up for. No one to hand the baby to at the end of a hard day. No one to take it if it wakes up at night. I will be on my own with a newborn and a father who doesn't want to know it. But I'm dreading an abortion and I'm dreading the aftermath and if I regret it. An abortion is irreversible. But Marie Stopes do offer post abortion counselling so I will take advantage of that.
I think it is probably kinder all round to not have the baby, and this is coming from my thoughts over the last couple of days feeling so mentally poorly. The support leading up to this has just not been there for me and now they're trying to sort it but it's too little too late.
I am just not good enough to be a good mum to my little baby. I'm not well enough to be able to do this for it and for my three children.
I got horrific PND after my middle child was born and I was married then and had a supportive husband! I really can't see a way out of this with a positive ending.
Thank you for reading if you got this far ❤️

OP posts:
Soconfusedandsadx · 23/09/2023 13:58

@LucieLemon thank you for sharing what happened to your friend.
It's so hard trying to find examples of anyone terminating at a later stage due to poor maternal mental health. ❤️
You sound like a good friend. One of my friends who I have been confiding in has never had children of her own and won't come to an abortion with me. But she is there if I want to talk or phone her. I've messaged her now and told her I won't be in contact for a few days now as it's so hard just feeling like a burden.
I know it won't be easy getting over a later term abortion, at first I was excited about my baby but as my sickness has continued and any benefit from my medication has run out I have felt more and more desperate and alone.

I never wanted to be a single mum, and the newborn stage is so gruelling.
Everything I thought I had or thought I knew has been turned upside down.
Perhaps in time and with proper therapy and proper medication, I will heal and be OK.
I wish I could turn the clock back and never got pregnant.
My poor baby. I just can't bring them into this life with me as its mother 💔

OP posts:
heldinadream · 23/09/2023 14:08

@Soconfusedandsadx I'm just so desperately sorry that you are still going through this and that you're so sad.
Can you say why your friend won't go with you? If you were my friend I'd go with you. I don't know if it's even helpful for you to hear that, or if it makes it worse. If it makes it worse I'm sorry.
All I can do is send you a virtual hug, which I feel very, very moved to do.
I hope you get support from somewhere, I really do. 💔

Soconfusedandsadx · 23/09/2023 14:18

@heldinadream she didn't really say why. I think she would find it all too hard. I don't know what she expects an abortion clinic to be like.
She has been single for a long time and has just met someone and is in a good place, I don't want to drag her down with me.
Thank you for the hug 🫂 xx
I'm on hold to Marie Stopes as I type trying to arrange some counselling before Tuesday. 😢 their wait times are so long, they're so busy.
I'm going to have to drive to the clinic which is 1.5 hours away for the prep and then get the train there the following day as won't be able to drive as will have had a GA. This is making me panicky too. I don't have anyone to ask to come with me. It's such late notice and I'm so distraught and ashamed xx 😔

OP posts:
Inyournewdress · 23/09/2023 14:32

I’m so sorry you find yourself in this position OP xx
I have had severe mental health issues myself so I sympathise hugely with that. Realistically it does mean you’ll be making this decision when you aren’t really thinking clearly and aren’t yourself. I worry you will regret this and I don’t think with a history of poor mental health you will have an easy road back from taking such drastic action.

Is there anyway you could see yourself giving your baby a chance by having adoption as a plan? Then you also give yourself the chance to know that despite a difficult situation you brought your child safely in to the world and into a welcoming family. I know it will hurt so much, but the alternative is worse. Then you can also try to access help so that maybe if you are up to it you could change your mind.

Inyournewdress · 23/09/2023 14:33

I mean change your mind before adoption obviously.

Inyournewdress · 23/09/2023 14:34

That wretched man should at least have the decency to resign! I would like some time alone face to face with him!

Mkgmum · 23/09/2023 15:05

I have also suffered from mental health issues and completely understand how isolating and scary it can be, I had a mental health crisis in February and found myself unexpectedly pregnant shortly afterwards. It's been very challenging to say the least. But I also agree with Inyournewdress, adoption may be the kinder thing to do both for yourself and the baby if you feel you could do this. It also gives you time to think things over rather than be rushed into a really difficult decision especially when you may not be thinking as you normally would. Whatever you decide you'll be in my thoughts and prayers op, life can be very cruel. The so called father of this baby is the one who should be utterly ashamed of himself

Soconfusedandsadx · 23/09/2023 15:06

I worry about what I would say to others if I went down the adoption route. I don't know what I would say to my children. Or my family. How do I explain to my kids that their sibling won't be living with us? And wouldn't adoption services try to place my baby with my family, or worse, with his? I'm not married to him and he wouldn't go on the birth certificate. He wouldn't want the baby anyway. 😢
I think he will end up resigning tbh, he always said I was the only reason he stayed at our job, all he does is complain how rubbish it is.

I think some of my colleagues knew he was lying to me and I feel so embarrassed that I didn't know. I have been through an awful few years with my marriage ending, and poor mental health, I haven't been on top form. I guess I was easy to lie to.
😢 😢

OP posts:
Soconfusedandsadx · 23/09/2023 15:08

@Inyournewdress @Mkgmum my doctor raised the concern that my judgement is extremely clouded due to severe sickness and med withdrawal, she said her concern is me making a choice which perhaps isn't the one I would make normally due to being in a severe mental health crisis xx

OP posts:
Soconfusedandsadx · 23/09/2023 15:10

@Mkgmum are you pregnant now? Xx

OP posts:
Soconfusedandsadx · 23/09/2023 15:12

I have to say again that I appreciate so much the kindness I am being shown by each and every person who has replied to my post at such a hard time.
I have read every single reply and I appreciate it all more than I can say ❤️

OP posts:
Mkgmum · 23/09/2023 15:26

As far as I know, if you didn't want the baby placing with family you can request this. It may be worth looking into this at least as an option so your fully informed. I think others would understand, I know a lady who gave her fourth or fifth child up for adoption she was really struggling and wasn't with the father anymore. I don't know her very well but believe she made the decision that she thought was best. I know this is really difficult, but you have to think what you can live with. Others can say what they may but at the end of the day, it's the decision you have to live with and make. I'm not sure how old your other children are so forgive me, but I think you could be honest with them in a child appropriate way if their at an age you can explain. I would consider counselling for them if they are older, I accessed a service for bereaved families and they gave me advice and offered counselling to my son if he ever needed it.

I'm currently 27 weeks pregnant, I had to consider a termination earlier on in my pregnancy for physical and mental health reasons so I really do understand how difficult this choice is x