23 weeks pregnant found out father is married

[Soconfusedandsadx]

NC for this but I've been on mumsnet a while.
I'm completely heartbroken.
I had no idea.
I am 22 weeks pregnant and received a message last week from my partner's wife!! Someone messaged her and told her her husband is having an affair and all about me.

He admitted it all and has chosen her. We weren't living together but we do work together and I was really happy being part of a couple. We spend lots of time together. I am in love with him and he says he is with me.
Turns out he is still married. He told me he was separated. 😢
I don't think I can continue my pregnancy alone. And the baby will be a reminder of what I have done and what he is.
I can have an abortion this week but I am on the cusp. I have been to Marie Stopes and had my initial consultation. I know the baby's sex and I have chosen a name. I can feel the baby moving.

I don't think there is an easy answer to this but I don't think I can have this child.
I am so angry and so sad and just feeling so stupid. I don't know what to do.
Please no horrible comments. I'm broken.
How can I have this child in this situation? I am already a single mum to three children from my now ended marriage.
I can't stop crying. I can't see a way out. I don't want to abort but mentally I am not strong enough to carry on with this pregnancy now. I don't think mentally i am strong enough to abort.

I was meant to have my abortion prep today and my surgery tomorrow but I've caught covid from my kids and they cancelled my appointment so now it's Thursday for my prep and Friday for surgery.
I'm under the care of my GP and I am also scheduled to see the perinatal mental health team next week as I have long standing mental health problems.
I've got to put my three children and myself ahead of this baby but I feel broken.
If you've got this far thank you for reading. I'm not sure if I have even posted this in the right section. Please feel free to report and ask to move if so. Thank you.

@Soconfusedandsadx I've sent you a message. x

Not the same, but I had severe morning sickness too and then lost my job at 7 months pregnant. I was a mess. I spoke to a mental health specialist midwife and she really helped. I really think you should access this service if you haven't already because a late term abortion will be traumatic. You have to give birth.

It sounds like you have real life support and your older 3 children's father is still actively involved so you wouldn't have all 4 children all the time. Could your family step in and help you too? Would you claim child maintenance from the shit man who lied to you? He should pay up. Moving to a different department sounds like a good solution too.

I understand it would be complicated but I think anything the process throws at you will be easier than the alternative. I am sure that people familiar with the process could guide you on how to explain things to your own children.

Sorry if I have missed it but what meds are you withdrawing from? I withdrew from citalopram once to try and conceive, had a huge mental health relapse and then ended up conceiving and being pregnant while taking Sertraline. As I mentioned before I had a very late loss but that was due to a separate medical condition I didn’t know I had.

I think your mum is on to something. Pregnancy hormones, shock and heartbreak, meds withdrawal….it’s a lot. But at some point down the line your hormones will settle, your meds and mental health with stabilise and you won’t be shocked and heartbroken over this dishrag of a man. And that will be the you that has to live with everything. It’s forever, so I would try not to worry too much about the short term issues like explaining to people, even though I completely understand that.

Hi again

I'm really worried you're also feeling so pressured by time constraints that you're not making an informed decision based on what you really want to do - you need counselling now not after the event . Xx

Thank you. Xxx
It's such a hard choice. I don't want to have an abortion but it seems the only way I can see a way forward at the moment. I'm barely sleeping. I'm so scared of what having a new baby will entail. I've never had to do it alone before. Some people have rubbish partners who don't do anything but my husband was very hands on. He would always help out with night feeds and do all the nappies. Let me have a lie in. Take the kids out by himself. I used to get a lot of comments about how good he was. He is a good dad. I'm at a huge low ebb as I miss him terribly at the moment. He was always my rock, until things went bad.
My children are 13, 10 and 8. They are my life and the only reason I can carry on some days.
They deserve better than such a poorly mum. I worry that whatever the outcome of this is, I'm totally screwed and my life is ruined. They will be the ones who suffer here. I just love my children so so much.
I really hope your pregnancy continues as well as possible and I'm so sorry you went through a crap time xxx

I am in the system for perinatal mental health but not due to see them until next Tuesday which is also the day I'm booked in for abortion prep. 😔
I wouldn't be contacting him for any support for the child, I still love and miss him terribly. I'm at home by myself and I imagine him with his family. My family would help and support me with my baby and I have a couple of good friends. I am also accessing early help support for my mental health and for my children.
Marie Stopes have booked me in for counselling but can't do it until after the procedure.
I've been crying all evening and haven't eaten, I'm not in a good way. 😟 desperately tired but at the same time don't want to sleep because I have to wake up and remember the situation I am in all over again. I'm not sleeping well anyway xx 😢

Thank you xxxx

I was on venlafaxine, a dose of 225mg. Also lamotrogine, 400mg.
The rational part of me is telling me that pregnancy hormones, medication cold turkey/withdrawal, and shock and heartbreak is all contributing hugely but I can't see past it. The only way I can see is to have the abortion and try and claw back some of my life. I know my judgement is so flawed and clouded and I just wish I hadn't been so sick and I wish I had been listened to when I told them I could feel myself becoming unravelled because of med withdrawal. I was being sick up to 20 times a day and it only started to subside a couple of weeks ago. I tried to restart my meds but they made me violently ill even with the doctor supporting me to try and increase again gradually. The doctor told me to wait for perinatal to tell me what to do but now I think it's all too late anyway.
I'm so sorry for what you have been through also xx

I 100% agree with this. The time constraints are sending me into a mad panic.
I did call the crisis team last weekend when I was rock bottom and I have been having daily GP calls but my GP is on holiday for a week and she won't be there until after my surgery is booked for. She expressed concern about my judgement being poor at the moment. I just want all this to go away. I am so scared. Got counselling booked now but they can't fit me in until after the surgery. I am on an emergency list if there are any cancellations before 😔 xx

Gosh you’ve been through it OP, I really identify with times when you just want to be out of a situation but can’t see any good way out.

Looking back on yourself in better times, what do you think that you would have done? I do worry this is a decision that by necessity has to be rushed and that at a time when you aren’t thinking that clearly it seems like some kind of way out. But that it isn’t, if you know what I mean. It’s a lot.

I apologise if this is inappropriate but have you considered going for a scan at all to see how things are going, see your baby…I know it might sound like the wrong thing to think about but it’s only the truth of how things are.

I think perinatal ought to see you as an emergency I really do. Your hospital should have an 24 hour antenatal assessment unit where you can turn up and they could probably summon some relevant people.

You will be stronger in time. You might be surprised what you can do if you end up as a single mum, or if you give your baby for adoption. I think giving a couple a chance to adopt and your baby a chance to live would be something you could feel really proud of. And it gives you a bit of time. Then all you need do is take it day by day while you stabilise a bit. I wish you could access the help you need…is there any chance of a private appointment or of someone ringing the midwives to put pressure on them?

I promise you that the feeling love for that man and the missing him will pass. They will not always be there, I absolutely promise. He will become an irrelevance, especially if having nothing to do with his child. Sounds like no great loss to the child frankly, he is a selfish coward and no role model.

I'm so sorry your in this position, it truly is awful and what your saying about not sleeping and such I can really relate to, it makes it hard to even function at that point. I promise it gets better. It might be worth seeing if there's anything they can prescribe you to help you relax and sleep, I know one of the meds I had a few months back they will prescribe during pregnancy in severe cases (I think it may be diazapam but I could be wrong). I can tell from your posts how much you love your children so please don't be too hard on yourself, I was the same and when I have bad days I still feel guilty around my little boy. But he knows he's loved and that I try my best, I keep reminding myself of that and it helps x

So sorry you are having to go through this, it just isn’t fair that you have to make such a difficult decision and he gets to walk away.

Sending you love and the hope that everyone you see for whichever decision you make treats you with kindness.

I really feel for you, what a horrible situation. But I agree with others that it doesn't sound from the recent updates as though you're in the place to make a decision right now that would be rational and in keeping with what you would decide in a calmer moment. Maybe carrying on and keeping the option of adoption open would give you enough time to be able to get counseling and think through all the long-term opportunities and consequences. Also, it might help if you were to talk to an adoption agency to actually find out what that would entail, what the process of priority for kinship care would look like in your case etc.

Don't let anyone pressure you either way, we're not the ones going through this.

If you can't get pre-abortion counseling, you could consider something like Samaritans to just talk and get everything out. They obviously don't advise what you should do, but neither would a specialist pregnancy counselor.

Good luck. And best wishes to get better from the covid too.

@Soconfusedandsadx how are you planning on getting home after the surgical procedure? If you’re having a GA I’d be very surprised if they discharged you to travel home on your own. You also need a responsible person with you for the first 24hrs because of the effects of the anaesthetic.

I can't help you still sorry, but I'm still here, following your story from afar, and sending you love and hugs. Your story has touched me so much, I wish I could help. You are a strong, brilliant Mum, you can get through this. Please try to keep this in mind during these dark days.
💕

Sweetheart you need counselling BEFORE you go through with this not after - you need to be sure . Not try and sort damage limitation. You aren't sure - please be sure . Xx

I can only echo what previous posters have said - the counselling needs to happen BEFORE hand not afterwards ..
I feel that now you are feeling pressured as almost at the 24 week mark it’s next week or never .. but you don’t sound as though you really know what to do and I’m worried you are feeling you have no choice but to just go ahead .

you are grieving the loss of a relationship where you were duped by a very cruel man .. you are distraught and rightly so but I’m worried you are feeling that this is the only choice and that after a few days you’ll be back to normal .. but you really won’t .. I’m sorry .. This IS your choice .. but I’m feeling that you are not really in the place to make an informed choice at this moment

medication cold turkey/withdrawal

You shouldn't have stopped venlafaxine suddenly. Surely your doctor did not advise this?

@Soconfusedandsadx I’m so sorry and grieved for what you’re going through. I’m so sorry too that Covid has complicated this time even further, and prolonged your agony.

It’s possibly unusual, but if you decided to ahead with the pregnancy could the baby be fostered for the first few months, at least until it is sleeping through the night?

Agree with the PP that the Samaritans would be better if nothing else available.

Gentle hugs, best wishes and love to you. Try to rest. xx

@Soconfusedandsadx

Sorry this indecision is still going on for you. Just to comment on what you have said…

I really am very depressed. Still not 100% over covid. I'm so sad my limbs feel heavy. I can't sleep. I'm exhausted and I can't see a way forward. I can't eat properly.

Common symptoms of covid

• Depression
• Muscle aches
• Insomnia
• Fatigue
• Anorexia

I think you need to stop putting down all of the above to the situation you are in and realise you are ill.

You are pregnant, therefore you are vulnerable and any symptoms you have will be much more pronounced than a typical person.

I realise your situation is very difficult and distressing, but you’re also ill right now and that may be clouding your judgement.

Use the extra time you have now to research supports that could be put in place for you in the event you have the baby. And to try and get counselling of any description.

I think you owe it to yourself to do this. The decision you will make without experiencing support now and understanding what it would be in future could be radically different.

The woman you would be if not suffering from covid and unsupported could be one that could cope.

I’m so so sorry that you are going through this. I agree with other posters that you are most probably not in a position to make this decision with sound judgment.

I’m amazed that the perinatal mental health services are unable to fit you in, in this situation, tbh. Do they know the full story - about the time constraints etc? If they do then this is utterly appalling care.

Look, only you can make this decision. And I dont think anyone could blame you (and you should never blame yourself!) for having the pregnancy terminated. But I have to say I think if I were in your position, I would find the adoption route easier to live with later in life than a late term abortion. Especially one you are not sure about and haven’t been adequately supported in, and of a baby you have bonded with.

I’m so sorry sweetheart. I hope you can find some peace at some point whatever you decide xx

I think it’s awful that Marie Stopes will only offer you counselling after the procedure. Have you tried contacting BPAS? Or if your GP is away, is there another GP at the practice you could talk to? I think you need someone unbiased.

You sound utterly overwhelmed at the moment, but you won’t always feel that way. I’m glad to see that you have supportive family and friends. ♥️

I’m horrified you aren’t being offered counselling before such a major procedure .. and I absolutely do not think you should have to make a decision in such a short time frame with NO counselling .. this is shocking .. I don’t want to try and sway your decision but you’ve gone through nearly six months of your pregnancy and up until you discovered the truth about your ex were you happy to be having this baby ?
Im very concerned about the major emotional fallout you may experience if you terminate at this stage without being able to make a properly informed choice ..
You will be exhausted from covid .. also withdrawal symptoms from anti depressants are horrible and will seriously skew your thinking .
Im surprised you haven’t been out on sertraline as this is fine to take in pregnancy …
You’re baby could be fostered if you feel you cannot cope .. You won’t always feel like this I promise .. the memories of this awful man will fade .. I promise you .. rushing into a major decision like this is not the answer in order to get over him