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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

23 weeks pregnant found out father is married

477 replies

Soconfusedandsadx · 18/09/2023 10:25

NC for this but I've been on mumsnet a while.
I'm completely heartbroken.
I had no idea.
I am 22 weeks pregnant and received a message last week from my partner's wife!! Someone messaged her and told her her husband is having an affair and all about me.

He admitted it all and has chosen her. We weren't living together but we do work together and I was really happy being part of a couple. We spend lots of time together. I am in love with him and he says he is with me.
Turns out he is still married. He told me he was separated. 😢
I don't think I can continue my pregnancy alone. And the baby will be a reminder of what I have done and what he is.
I can have an abortion this week but I am on the cusp. I have been to Marie Stopes and had my initial consultation. I know the baby's sex and I have chosen a name. I can feel the baby moving.

I don't think there is an easy answer to this but I don't think I can have this child.
I am so angry and so sad and just feeling so stupid. I don't know what to do.
Please no horrible comments. I'm broken.
How can I have this child in this situation? I am already a single mum to three children from my now ended marriage.
I can't stop crying. I can't see a way out. I don't want to abort but mentally I am not strong enough to carry on with this pregnancy now. I don't think mentally i am strong enough to abort.

I was meant to have my abortion prep today and my surgery tomorrow but I've caught covid from my kids and they cancelled my appointment so now it's Thursday for my prep and Friday for surgery.
I'm under the care of my GP and I am also scheduled to see the perinatal mental health team next week as I have long standing mental health problems.
I've got to put my three children and myself ahead of this baby but I feel broken.
If you've got this far thank you for reading. I'm not sure if I have even posted this in the right section. Please feel free to report and ask to move if so. Thank you.

OP posts:
JudyEdithPerry · 19/09/2023 09:51

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

TrainedByCats · 19/09/2023 09:52

Soconfusedandsadx whatever decision you make it is your decision no one else's. Once you’ve made the decision, whichever way you go, I suggest counselling to come to terms with the situation you’re in and put any doubts and ‘what ifs’ about the alternative to bed.

I wish you well Flowers

Honeybu · 19/09/2023 10:49

@PinotPony such a wise advise please please OP READ THIS MESSAGE

bemorebernard · 19/09/2023 18:50

How are you doing op? Hope your feeling a bit better from the covid and feel a bit clearer x

Inyournewdress · 19/09/2023 22:42

@JudyEdithPerry

No, that’s really not what’s going on.

Original poster
Soconfusedandsadx · 20/09/2023 14:36

I can't express how much all the kindness means to me.
Well tomorrow is meant to be my abortion prep. I am feeling a lot better physically than what I was and the doctor has given me some beta blockers to help with my anxiety atm as it's through the roof.
I don't think I can go through an abortion at 22 weeks 😫
I have been reading about feticide and about what I would have to go through. I don't think I'm strong enough mentally to do it.
I was talking to my sister and she is of the view that while it would be incredibly traumatic, i could work through it with therapy and it would be less stressful than having a baby with a married man who won't be in his child's life. Less stressful than having a baby that won't have its dad, will just have me. Babies are hard work. When I had my three I was married and had a very supportive hands on husband. She said that in a few days this would all be over and I can work on rebuilding my life.
I wish I could slow time down. I keep trying to envisage my life with a baby and then trying to invisage the aftermath of an abortion where my life can just carry on as normal. But I have a huge mental block and I can't get my mind into either zone.
This so hard. I do appreciate each and every comment and I have read them all xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Soconfusedandsadx · 20/09/2023 14:42

@PinotPony I guess I would tell them that their new sibling didn't make it and something happened pre birth. They know something isn't right as they were here when he just walked out of my home last week.
😔

OP posts:
heldinadream · 20/09/2023 14:44

@Soconfusedandsadx has the hospital not offered you any counselling? You need all the support you can get and the help to come to YOUR decision on this.

Sending you love, for what it's worth. This is heartbreaking.

ThornInMySide84 · 20/09/2023 14:45

@Soconfusedandsadx I think your sister is wildly overestimating how easy it would be to get over an abortion at 23 weeks where it is too late for anything other than feticide. The procedure would indeed be over in a few days, but I strongly doubt you would mentally recover in the same time frame.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 20/09/2023 15:03

Soconfusedandsadx · 20/09/2023 14:42

@PinotPony I guess I would tell them that their new sibling didn't make it and something happened pre birth. They know something isn't right as they were here when he just walked out of my home last week.
😔

I have no words to describe how much I hate this man for not only breaking your heart and leaving you pregnant, but also doing so in a way that involves your children.

The man's a sociopath. He must be, so string you along for so long. Had he told you three months ago, or better still, not got involved with you in the first place...

I want to rip his balls off and force-feed them to him so that he can never hurt another woman this way again.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 20/09/2023 15:15

From a practical stance, instead of trying to visualise your life with a baby versus one without, find out what your financial and practical situation would be if you gave birth, what you'd be entitled to from the "father" and from the state, what your employer's maternity pay is like. And also make a mental wellness plan, for want of a better term, with counselling phone numbers on it, name and number of a friend you can trust, because whatever you decide tomorrow will be tough on you. This will give you at least practical pros and cons and take your mind off your feelings, perhaps help with the mental block.

And you need to tell your children the truth about him. That he already has a wife, that he lied to you all, and that he left you when his wife found out. Because otherwise they will wonder why he's not come back.

VORE · 20/09/2023 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

hellohelp · 20/09/2023 15:27

I think I would find it ok to go ahead knowing I was raising baby 100% myself, with family and zero input from ex.
God I am so glad you to have your sister to talk to. This would be unmanageable to go through alone

Anotherrname · 20/09/2023 15:27

Soconfusedandsadx · 20/09/2023 14:36

I can't express how much all the kindness means to me.
Well tomorrow is meant to be my abortion prep. I am feeling a lot better physically than what I was and the doctor has given me some beta blockers to help with my anxiety atm as it's through the roof.
I don't think I can go through an abortion at 22 weeks 😫
I have been reading about feticide and about what I would have to go through. I don't think I'm strong enough mentally to do it.
I was talking to my sister and she is of the view that while it would be incredibly traumatic, i could work through it with therapy and it would be less stressful than having a baby with a married man who won't be in his child's life. Less stressful than having a baby that won't have its dad, will just have me. Babies are hard work. When I had my three I was married and had a very supportive hands on husband. She said that in a few days this would all be over and I can work on rebuilding my life.
I wish I could slow time down. I keep trying to envisage my life with a baby and then trying to invisage the aftermath of an abortion where my life can just carry on as normal. But I have a huge mental block and I can't get my mind into either zone.
This so hard. I do appreciate each and every comment and I have read them all xxx

If you're not 100% certain that you want an abortion then don't do it. I don't think many women could mentally recover from having a late term abortion, especially when you want this baby. You won't have all 4 children with you all the time as the dad of the 3 eldest is still involved.

WorkingOnMyMindset · 20/09/2023 15:34

This is the hardest week of your life.

Sending you thoughts and (pro-choice) prayers.

I was once in your shoes (though no other children) and the best advice I was given was to imagine my life in one year’s time.
Perhaps because in one year’s time whichever path you travel will become your new day to day reality.

A curse on your ex-P’s head.

💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

Tessabelle74 · 20/09/2023 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You realise that not every woman feels unbearable guilt over abortion right? Some feel an immense sense of relief and it's not down to YOU to try and make the OP feel worse than she already does!

bemorebernard · 20/09/2023 15:43

Op

You MUST make this decision of your own volition. Please do not be swayed either way by others , listen to your heart and do what is right for YOU . YOUR SISTER ISNT THE ONE GOING THROUGH THIS .

I'm trying to stay totally neutral. This is YOUR decision .

bemorebernard · 20/09/2023 15:44

And yes you will feticide , as the a foetus could be viable at this stage . Another week and you'd be eligible for maternity leave.

bemorebernard · 20/09/2023 15:45

*Will need

AFieldGuideToTrees · 20/09/2023 16:25

ThornInMySide84 · 20/09/2023 14:45

@Soconfusedandsadx I think your sister is wildly overestimating how easy it would be to get over an abortion at 23 weeks where it is too late for anything other than feticide. The procedure would indeed be over in a few days, but I strongly doubt you would mentally recover in the same time frame.

Edited

I agree with this.

I think it's an incredibly difficult decision, and the ramifications are immense either way.

I think if you go ahead, you must get as much counselling as you can because it's not a 6 week foetus, it's 22/23 weeks and having an abortion at an early stage isn't the same as having one at the cut off point, especially if you're not having it for medical reasons.

OP, don't underestimate the amount of support and help you'll need to come to terms with it for however long afterwards.

Tryingmybestadhd · 20/09/2023 16:32

Your sister and anyone assuming you would “ get over it “ never knew anyone dealing with the trauma if a late abortion . My friend destroyed hers and her family life’s with her trauma . Please hun you need to be 100% sure this is what you want or you will never get over this . You do not need to do it if you don’t want to , that baby has you it doesn’t need a father

bemorebernard · 20/09/2023 16:33

I had a TFMR late and it absolutely killed me .
I knew I was doing the right thing under my circumstances as I had a partner who said right from the moment we found out he would leave me and not
support me in any way if I went ahead . I'd have been 45 with a new disabled child and a single parent . I then developed really significant health issues too.

But emotionally and physically it was extremely hard and 7 years later im not sure I've come to terms with it .

The later the term the more issues to navigate such as the feticide. That's an injection given directly into the heart of the foetus to terminate life . This is not an easy procedure. It's traumatising . The whole
Process is.

Neither option is going to be easy . But there are times I wonder what if . There would have been absolutely no way I'd have aborted if the baby had been healthy in my case . The only thing I could cling to was I knew the decision was right . Be absolutely sure op . I wish I could give you a massive hug.

bemorebernard · 20/09/2023 16:34

Btw the relationship was dead from that moment in anyway . I left a couple
Of years later .

Lookingforthecoffeerevels · 20/09/2023 17:19

Thinking of you lovely during these difficult days 💕

CambridgeLass · 20/09/2023 17:45

bemorebernard · 20/09/2023 15:43

Op

You MUST make this decision of your own volition. Please do not be swayed either way by others , listen to your heart and do what is right for YOU . YOUR SISTER ISNT THE ONE GOING THROUGH THIS .

I'm trying to stay totally neutral. This is YOUR decision .

This.
It’s not his decision , it’s not her decision. It’s yours. Whatever you decide to is not going to be an easy decision, but it will be the right one for you and your children.