23 weeks pregnant found out father is married

[Soconfusedandsadx]

NC for this but I've been on mumsnet a while.
I'm completely heartbroken.
I had no idea.
I am 22 weeks pregnant and received a message last week from my partner's wife!! Someone messaged her and told her her husband is having an affair and all about me.

He admitted it all and has chosen her. We weren't living together but we do work together and I was really happy being part of a couple. We spend lots of time together. I am in love with him and he says he is with me.
Turns out he is still married. He told me he was separated. 😢
I don't think I can continue my pregnancy alone. And the baby will be a reminder of what I have done and what he is.
I can have an abortion this week but I am on the cusp. I have been to Marie Stopes and had my initial consultation. I know the baby's sex and I have chosen a name. I can feel the baby moving.

I don't think there is an easy answer to this but I don't think I can have this child.
I am so angry and so sad and just feeling so stupid. I don't know what to do.
Please no horrible comments. I'm broken.
How can I have this child in this situation? I am already a single mum to three children from my now ended marriage.
I can't stop crying. I can't see a way out. I don't want to abort but mentally I am not strong enough to carry on with this pregnancy now. I don't think mentally i am strong enough to abort.

I was meant to have my abortion prep today and my surgery tomorrow but I've caught covid from my kids and they cancelled my appointment so now it's Thursday for my prep and Friday for surgery.
I'm under the care of my GP and I am also scheduled to see the perinatal mental health team next week as I have long standing mental health problems.
I've got to put my three children and myself ahead of this baby but I feel broken.
If you've got this far thank you for reading. I'm not sure if I have even posted this in the right section. Please feel free to report and ask to move if so. Thank you.

Absolutely not true, and not even logical.

You literally couldn't be any wronger.

If he’s never been married to the OP or is not named on the birth certificate he hasn’t got parental responsibility and wouldn’t be asked for consent. If he wanted to stop the adoption process he would have to apply to the courts for a parental responsibility order and even then the courts could approve the adoption without his consent if it was considered to be in the best interests of the child.

This poster is correct @whatwasthatgrandma. If he has never been married to the OP or is not named on the birth certificate he has no parental responsibility and wouldn’t be asked for consent to adopt.

The OP didn’t choose to get pregnant and only discovered the pregnancy at 14 weeks. She had expectations of a relationship with this man, which have now vanished into thin air because his deception has been discovered by both the OP and his wife. Puts a whole different spin on things and neither option is easy.

unfortunately whatwasthatgrandma is correct, in the first instance social services would speak to the father as they would prefer the child to go to a parent. Him not having parental responsibility doesn't matter, SS would prefer the child with him if it's possible. It's not about legality it's about best practice.

Jesus what an utter, utter shit-bag of a man.
I'm so sorry you are suffering this OP. Please get as much support to talk it though as you possibly can.
But also please, please know this - you did no wrong. You did not fuck up. You were led up the garden path by an unscrupulous lying bastard who deserves every damn thing coming at him.

I do think you should consider telling the wife about the pregnancy. IF you chose to go ahead with it her children will have a half-sibling. I think you need to do the very, very best thing for your own mental health whatever you decide that to be, you have to get to a place where you are as confident as possible with your choice and where you are acting in your own best interests and not out of shame or fear. Please take care of yourself OP. 💐

Again, this is absolutely and obviously untrue.

If a woman wants to give a child for adoption, the father if known is absolutely involved. He can get parental responsibility any time he likes, and he does need to consent to adoption.

Do you seriously believe an adoption order would ever be made for a child without talking to its father? And that the father can very easily take the child on himself?

A late term abortion will be traumatising for a woman who originally wanted the baby. OP will have to give birth whether she decides to abort or continue the pregnancy. This is so different to aborting a clump of cells with a pill. I'm shocked that so many people think late term abortion is the easy option.

Hopefully OP's older children's father is still in the picture. This would be harder if the dads never paid and weren't involved in their children's lives. I really feel for OP and how her latest ex fooled not only her but her entire family.

Absolutely no one is saying or thinking that late term abortion is the easy option. At all. There is no easy option clearly. And if you'd RTFT or even only the OP's posts, you'd know the father of the other DC was in the picture. I'm shocked that people dip in on a thread this serious with their ha'pennorth without even reading it.

That’s a shocker I must admit however I think it would be highly unlikely he would be wanting to the baby given his current behaviour although they Would look to the ops family I think to see if they would consider it - of course if I was in the ops shoes I simply wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate

It’s all by the by anyway as the op is not looking at that as an option - adoption is a minefield anyway … it certainly didn’t used to be the case when I found myself in a similar situation as a teen but that was admittedly absolutely donkeys years ago

I was in a very bad place following my own marriage ending and he was attentive and funny and kind and so different to my ex. We would just laugh, all the time. Non stop. He made me feel like I could conquer the world

Men like this have a nose for women like you. They are scum. What looks like kindness is actually only for their own ends. It’s manipulation. You’re mourning the end of a relationship with a man who didn’t really exist. It was a useful mask he wore to deceive you. He’s not the man you thought he was and, distressing as it is in your current circumstances, you’ve had a lucky escape.

Again, you’re mentioning your “fuck up”. You absolutely did NOT fuck up! You were deceived and used. Abusers aren’t all loud, angry thugs. Sometimes Mr Nice masks a cruel abuser. Nobody sees what they’re really like to start with - nobody. Please, please stop blaming yourself. You are a victim and not to blame in any way whatsoever.

Put this selfish, fake piece of crap out of your mind entirely. He’s not worth a minute of thought or a minute of your time. You’ve bonded with the baby, you’ve named it, you’re feeling it move. Is what you’re considering a kind of punishment for yourself? Again, you did nothing wrong - nothing at all.

Get support, focus on yourself and your children, including this baby, put dickhead out of your mind completely, and do what’s best for you all. Not what dickhead wants, not what you think you should do, not what punishes you for the fuck up you didnt make - what’s best for you all.

You are much stronger than you think xx

Oh my heart is breaking for the situation you find yourself in.

First and foremost your heart has been shattered in the most cruellest way and you are realising that the life you had build with him is basically a lie. Therefore rational thinking is replaced with anger and hurt that you want to just stop.

He is an absolute dick for his behaviour and I'm assuming not his first time if he's went scurrying back to his wife. More fool her for taking him back.

He should not get off lightly and if you have the wife's number I would message and inform her of the pregnancy.

Ending or continuing with this pregnancy is your choice to make. I personally don't think I could end it at this late stage but that's me.
It's unfortunate his true colours didn't come out earlier and give your more time to get yourself in a place where you can be sure of the right choice for you and your family.

I hope you reach a decision that you can make peace with. Either way will be difficult.

Sending a big handhold and a hug 🤗

It's also worth pointing out a termination at this stage is not performed surgically. The woman lining is too thin to risk in a surgical procedure so if you do choose to abort it's medical management.

As I had to endure due to foetal disability. And it's hard . Labour and birth with nothing at the end of it except a funeral . Be prepared op. And don't knee jerk , Be absolutely sure on your decision.

https://www.msichoices.org.uk/abortion-services/surgical-abortion/ says otherwise.

I'm sorry that you weren't offered D&E at what must have been an already awful time.

I'd definitely asked for a surgical procedure but was told at the stage of pregnancy I was at it was not possible and I wasn't yet at 23 weeks, it was definitely discouraged and midwives told me medical management was more humane anyway . When I asked definitively if I could have a surgical procedure I was told it simply wasn't possible due to the risks involved 🤷‍♀️

Possibly your case had complications that ruled out surgical management. In any case, I'm very sorry that you had to go through that ending to what I'm inferring was a wanted pregnancy.

OP, if you've already told your other children they are getting a baby sibling, what do you intend to tell them if you abort?

Most of your concerns about proceeding with the pregnancy seem to be centred around your "fuck up". But you didn't make a mistake here; you were deceived.

You were excited about the idea of the baby whilst this man was in your life. Does his sudden exit mean you should feel differently about the baby? Do try to separate your emotions about him from those towards the baby. The baby is not an extension of him; it'll be a brand new person and you get to decide what relationship you have / how much love to give that child.

Imagine if he'd left after baby was born. You'd still be devastated and wonder how you'd cope. But your relationship with your baby would be unaffected, you'd still love them.

Utterly diabolical that you have been left with all these heartbreaking decisions. For once covid is a blessing you get a few more days. Imagine that, someone saying COVID is a BLESSING like wtf. All because it gives you more time to make a huge life decision that will impact you forever. Not fair.
Unbelievable that other than his marriage being affected he gets off Scot free. Then I read through all the points in your post in comparison. He's a cunt
I'm so sorry this is not fair and you don't deserve it

I know you worry that the baby will be a reminder of your mistakes or of this man and the hurt he has caused you.

I think in time when you aren’t in shock and exhausted by a difficult pregnancy with HG, you’ll feel differently. You shouldn’t feel ashamed, you did not know and it’s completely understandable that if you were in a vulnerable place you didn’t see any red flags. He is the problem, not you. He’s clearly not a good man and in time you will realise that deeply enough that you won’t feel love for him and you won’t care that he chose to stay with his wife. You’ll probably look at the baby and not think of him at all, or occasionally think how far you’ve moved on that you don’t even feel that hurt.

I truly believe that if you choose to terminate then the absence of your baby will remind you of something much worse, infinitely worse, than losing this man or falling for him.

@JudyEdithPerry

OP is distraught and no doubt drained by caring for her children while suffering with HG, now this.

Some truths are so big that you don’t need to know someone to know that they will very likely be overwhelmed with grief and regret. There is also the life of a child involved. Yes, there is. Sorry if that’s inconvenient but it’s reality.

@JudyEdithPerry

I think it’s too late for those arguments to be valid. This baby is an existing child.
OP does have other options once her child is born.