23 weeks pregnant found out father is married

[Soconfusedandsadx]

NC for this but I've been on mumsnet a while.
I'm completely heartbroken.
I had no idea.
I am 22 weeks pregnant and received a message last week from my partner's wife!! Someone messaged her and told her her husband is having an affair and all about me.

He admitted it all and has chosen her. We weren't living together but we do work together and I was really happy being part of a couple. We spend lots of time together. I am in love with him and he says he is with me.
Turns out he is still married. He told me he was separated. 😢
I don't think I can continue my pregnancy alone. And the baby will be a reminder of what I have done and what he is.
I can have an abortion this week but I am on the cusp. I have been to Marie Stopes and had my initial consultation. I know the baby's sex and I have chosen a name. I can feel the baby moving.

I don't think there is an easy answer to this but I don't think I can have this child.
I am so angry and so sad and just feeling so stupid. I don't know what to do.
Please no horrible comments. I'm broken.
How can I have this child in this situation? I am already a single mum to three children from my now ended marriage.
I can't stop crying. I can't see a way out. I don't want to abort but mentally I am not strong enough to carry on with this pregnancy now. I don't think mentally i am strong enough to abort.

I was meant to have my abortion prep today and my surgery tomorrow but I've caught covid from my kids and they cancelled my appointment so now it's Thursday for my prep and Friday for surgery.
I'm under the care of my GP and I am also scheduled to see the perinatal mental health team next week as I have long standing mental health problems.
I've got to put my three children and myself ahead of this baby but I feel broken.
If you've got this far thank you for reading. I'm not sure if I have even posted this in the right section. Please feel free to report and ask to move if so. Thank you.

Just to send some more love and support.

I hope you are doing good.

If it’s been a bad day, I hope tomorrow is better.

Please take care of yourself, rest all you can, scale back life to the basics and surround yourself with positive people.

Huge hugs 💐

what @Sparklecats said!

I hope you’re ok, thinking of you.

@Sparklecats thank you xxx
And thank you to everyone who has replied ❤️
I'm 31 weeks pregnant now. Rock bottom. I'm still working but will be giving up soon.
It hasn't been an easy ride. Due to my poor mental health and other reasons, my three children have been put on a child in need plan and I am attending a conference soon when they will decide if the unborn needs to go on the child protection register which I've been told is likely to happen.
My manager spoke to me yesterday, concerned, as my mental health is clearly not great and she said I'm the worst she's ever seen me. She said I look exhausted. I am. Every day is like wading through treacle.
I've told my social worker I am considering adoption and I am being taken seriously. I can't see an outcome where this baby is brought home and lives with me.
Still not tolerating my antidepressants fantastically and I am missing antenatal and mental health appointments left right and centre. Not keeping up with household chores. I'm in a bad way. The worst I've ever been.
My friend came up today, and helped me tidy up a little and we went for lunch.
My dad is driving down tomorrow - he lives 3 hours away - to see me.
I am dreading the baby being delivered but also can't wait for this to be over.
I sound so negative- I'm so sorry x
Thank you all for being so kind x

Hugs. I wish I could do more for you x

I’m sorry you’re struggling. I hope things improve. Take care of yourself.

Im a similar amount of weeks pregnant and it’s tough going at the end stage even without all the hardships you have. I wish you well.

@Soconfusedandsadx

Please don’t apologise. It is so good to see your update, you are such a survivor and I really am in awe of how you are keeping on coping. You are doing great, even if you are viewing it all in a negative light right now.

You are still in work and you have support around you.

Yes, your children are under a child in need plan, and you’d rather they weren’t. But this is for their benefit and yours. It isn’t forever and hopefully things will improve so that you manage better. Three kids is very tough on your own, add in pregnancy and that is difficult for anyone.

The pregnancy will be over soon and if you want to go forward with adoption I’m sure there will be plenty of people around you to help you work through that decision. No matter what, it is very emotional life changing either way. So please give yourself a break; this is big stuff!!

I advise this to everyone on MN when the going gets tough, but would it be possible for you to get a cleaner, even 2hrs per week to sort the bathroom/s, floors, worktops etc??

Could your ex/family contribute to help or are there any other financial avenues of support you could access??

One thing I think you 1000% need support with as a starting point is PIP; you are SO ill right now, you have a long standing mental health history and it is impacting your life SO much. Yes a lot of it is the psychological impact of the situation. But it has struck me that you have had chronic illness and needed support long before this point.

If you qualify and get this, you would then potentially qualify for community payments for things such as a cleaner, or activities to destress/help you move forward.

Something to think about. And a way of alleviating stress. It can brighten your mood substantially to live in a calm, clean environment and to even have someone calling into the house if you are there on your own.

That is what I would try and focus on OP, throw yourself into the practicalities. Write down what would practically help to make all of this easier and how to get there.

Psychologically you are very traumatised, but your strength of character shines through.

Please get yourself out of the workplace and away from the asshole as soon as humanly possible.

And think about where you want your life to go forward to from here. You have three gorgeous children and a family with them. Focus on them; children are a wonderful distraction from grief.

You are going to get through this and you will be ok again. I know it is dreadful for you right now. But this is not forever.

Be kind to yourself. And be kind to the baby too as much as you can. The baby is not him, they are a person distinct. Try and frame it like that whenever you’ll be assessing the next steps.

Please take care, and stay strong. Xo

No advice to give; hopefully the people who know you and are working with you are giving you the best help.

Just wanted to say you’re in my thoughts, you are walking on through the worst of storms, and sending best wishes to you and all your children xx

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so bad and good to hear you and your kids are starting to get some more support. It definitely still sounds like you're doing the best you can with the hand you've been dealt and making sensible longer term choices so I've no doubt things will get better eventually, even if they feel impossible now. You can do this.

Thank you all. I am in tears reading your replies.
Xxx

I am thinking I am going to work next week and the following and then I will finish up. That will give me a month before the baby is delivered.
Saw my dad today. He has left now but we had a good conversation and he has left me with food for thought.
My only coping mechanism right now is that this baby will be given up when I deliver her. I know I get 6 weeks before I would officially "sign her over". The social worker told me they will need to get the biological father's consent. I can't see him arguing.
Went to a pub with my dad today and there was people in there with cute little toddlers; it was hard to see the little girls. Made my heart ache. I saw them and I think, I could have my little girl and yes it would be hard but I could raise her by myself. But she does deserve so much more and an adoptive family could provide her that. I have no money, my wages are crap. I've never been a brilliant mum; i am not one of those mothers who love playing with their kids and i am desperate to work, did not like maternity leave. I have had the worst PND in the past, following the birth of my son, he turned 10 in July. Did not get it with my youngest baby who is currently 8.
I am calling the baby Grace.

I will be getting a cleaner in once I am on maternity leave and the money I save on petrol driving to work (45 mins each way) will be spent on a cleaner.
I am so scared of being on maternity leave. I am not a natural mother and I really am ridiculously unwell.
I was booked in for my glucose tolerance test end of October but I was too anxious to leave my house and did not make it. My midwife booked me in again for Saturday but again had a huge anxiety attack and once again did not make it there. I don't think I have GD - my 31 week baby bump is not big and she is not a large baby but you just don't know. Got midwife Tomorrow and a growth scan next weekend. I also missed a midwife appointment Friday and missed my perinatal appointment Thursday last week.
My midwife is a lovely lady and I am so embarrassed to admit once again I did not make it to my GTT test.

I think the advice from @Sparklecats was spot on , you do need to try and see this baby as separate from her toad of a father . When you first got pregnant were you happy to be pregnant or was it really only because it was his baby ? You have other children who have survived to 8+ so your parenting can’t be that bad , I’m sure if you asked your other kids they’d spout your praises as a mum . Best wishes . I hope being on maternity leave helps 💐

@Floralnomad I was happy. I wanted her. I can't believe the complete 180 that my thoughts have done.
I know she's not her father but it's really hard separating the two. Xxx

I’m sure it is and is easy for people like me to say it but you have to believe that you’ve been a good mum to your other kids and you can be a good mum to Grace . Try and look to a few years ahead and imagine what things will be like then 💐

Ok so, you are talking about adoption on the one hand, but on the other hand your heart aches whenever you see little girls, and you have named your daughter Grace (I thought of the Robbie Williams song Grace when I read this - written about his daughter Grace with Nicole Appleton that never was, it’s a beautiful song).

Anyway, 90s nostalgia aside. I think you’re angry with the man and feeling unsupported which is what is pushing you towards adoption. The angry can be dealt with through therapy and time. The support is a practical thing that can be implemented.

Good job on plans to go on maternity and getting a cleaner 👏

Money

• apply for PIP (see guides on how to fill in the form online and get social worker/CAB support. You have a mega history of chronic mental health to the extent that it is disabling and you have daily care needs as a result.
• if you are diligent in filling in the form and supply adequate evidence you’ll likely get it. And this will mean you get increased UC payments (so long as you call and notify them within a month of PIP award), you will also have access to other grants, supports, reduced price tickets and travel so overall life will get better
• consider firstly moving to another office or other job entirely whenever maternity is done.
• Also consider what sort of a career you would like, your prospects and whether it is better for you to go back and retrain full time or part time alongside part time work. You are young enough to conceive therefore you are young enough to study if you want to change your path - support is generous for people who are disabled and have children up to undergraduate level. If you already have undergrad then there are plenty of part time funded courses.

Being a good mum

• Just because you have a baby does not mean you have to be chained to them, particularly in your circumstances.
• Forget about breast feeding, it will be exhausting and tie you (I say this as a massive advocate usually, just don’t, there is enough on)
• Go back to work/study after three months in a new environment. You don’t have to take a prolonged maternity and the baby will be ok. Look into your childcare options and funding now. A surprising amount of women are back at work after 3-6 months. It’s doable.
• If this is not possible then arrange a plan and routine for yourself that you must stick to so you are out of the house and in touch with the world during maternity.

Midwive appointments and so forth

• don’t worry, lots of people miss appointments for lesser reasons
• rebook the appointment again and attend the others, draw a line under things and move forward.
• if you have further issues with appointments don’t beat yourself up, you are doing your best. Attending should be easier when you have your leave from work and are less tired/stressed.

Chin up, shoulders back, head high.

You are doing great 💐 xx

Listen to @Sparklecats she’s talking absolute sense .

No pressure @Soconfusedandsadx

Whether you decide to keep baby or go forward with adoption. Literally no one in their right mind would ever judge you unfavourably. Or should be judging you at all!

Have faith that you will get through the next few weeks and that a bit after the birth you will have the right support around you to be able to make your decision. You can only make the decision at that point after the birth, so for now put it out of your head and don’t agonise over it.

Self-care and support are paramount, so get as much in place as you can. Whatever happens, you can and will cope!

Please take very good care of yourself, you deserve it.

Great advice from @Sparklecats again.

I think you’re doing amazingly @Soconfusedandsadx
You have older children, pregnancy, mental health, recent events, work and the rest to cope with…it’s a lot and I don’t think I could do as well. I completely hear what you are saying about how bad things feel right now, but in time I think you could do so much better than you think. But as @Sparklecats says don’t think about that now, take it day to day and let all the decisions wait. No matter what choices you make I think you will have done the right thing by your little one. If you do end up choosing adoption then she will have a chance at life that you gave her by continuing the pregnancy, and if she stays with you she will be loved I know that.

Its so hard when you’re in the eye of the storm and mental peace can’t be found, I have been there but I know you will come through and you’ll bring that little girl through too. Good on you. Sending lots of love x

Really good advice from Sparklecats, also the end of pregnancy is an incredibly anxious time in my experience. This won't last forever, the hormones will calm down when baby is born or shortly after and hopefully if you develop pnd it can be treated more intensely than antenatal depression. Pregnancy takes a heavy toll on some of us, especially when our circumstances are more intense or stressful than average. I know life can be so cruel to some of us, and it can feel overwhelming but there's also a lot of hope too even if it doesn't feel like it. Grace is a beautiful name, I hope when she is born you take pride in the fact you gave her life, carried on working throughout an intensely difficult time (I couldn't manage myself so I already admire you for that, been off since Feb) did the best you could for your other children and really tried to reach out for help when you needed it. Good luck op, also I really encourage you to apply for pip like others have said. I got backdated a few months ago from when I suffered a breakdown, the money really helped. I get the standard rate now and I don't know what I'd do without it x

Hey @Soconfusedandsadx I find myself thinking about you and wondering how you are? You must be about to finish work in a few days, right?
Wishing you well. I'm sure I'm not the only person on this thread who thinks of you from time to time.

I’ve been wondering too @heldinadream
Hope you’re ok @Soconfusedandsadx

@Soconfusedandsadx

How are you doing? Thinking you are just about 34 weeks now. I’m hoping you are off on maternity now and getting your routines in place to make the most of this time.

I know things have been so so hard, but I really think your journey, strength and resilience has been remarkable.

Huge hugs, I hope today was good and if not that tomorrow is better 💐

Hello all. Thank you for your kind messages.
I have finished work and I have a week until my planned section.
You are all so kind and I appreciate every one of your replies xx

I had a social services meeting the other day. My unborn baby girl has been placed on the child protection register due to my extremely poor mental health but I am getting lots of support.
I am not getting her adopted and she will be staying with me (all things going well)

My mother is taking two weeks off work and she will be caring for me and my new daughter for the first two weeks.
I have changed my mind on her name and she is going to be Sophie Lydia. I love the name Sophie - my youngest daughter was almost called it - and my son who is 10 picked Lydia as he really likes the name!
Had a scan the other day. The baby (as of 23rd) was weighing an estimated 6lb 14oz so she had had a growth spurt and is in the 80th percentile for her weight! Her head is in 91st centile and abdomen 96th! She was measuring very average at my last growth scan at 32 weeks.
I still love her father deeply and find it hard he won't be involved or interested in her. I am hoping I manage ok x