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23 weeks pregnant found out father is married

477 replies

Soconfusedandsadx · 18/09/2023 10:25

NC for this but I've been on mumsnet a while.
I'm completely heartbroken.
I had no idea.
I am 22 weeks pregnant and received a message last week from my partner's wife!! Someone messaged her and told her her husband is having an affair and all about me.

He admitted it all and has chosen her. We weren't living together but we do work together and I was really happy being part of a couple. We spend lots of time together. I am in love with him and he says he is with me.
Turns out he is still married. He told me he was separated. 😢
I don't think I can continue my pregnancy alone. And the baby will be a reminder of what I have done and what he is.
I can have an abortion this week but I am on the cusp. I have been to Marie Stopes and had my initial consultation. I know the baby's sex and I have chosen a name. I can feel the baby moving.

I don't think there is an easy answer to this but I don't think I can have this child.
I am so angry and so sad and just feeling so stupid. I don't know what to do.
Please no horrible comments. I'm broken.
How can I have this child in this situation? I am already a single mum to three children from my now ended marriage.
I can't stop crying. I can't see a way out. I don't want to abort but mentally I am not strong enough to carry on with this pregnancy now. I don't think mentally i am strong enough to abort.

I was meant to have my abortion prep today and my surgery tomorrow but I've caught covid from my kids and they cancelled my appointment so now it's Thursday for my prep and Friday for surgery.
I'm under the care of my GP and I am also scheduled to see the perinatal mental health team next week as I have long standing mental health problems.
I've got to put my three children and myself ahead of this baby but I feel broken.
If you've got this far thank you for reading. I'm not sure if I have even posted this in the right section. Please feel free to report and ask to move if so. Thank you.

OP posts:
Burntouted · 08/10/2023 01:47

If you don't feel like you can do it, there's adoption as an option.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 08/10/2023 03:01

Try not to get overwhelmed. Just take things as they come. Concentrate on small things like making some nice food or going a walk.

igor · 09/10/2023 13:39

You sound like you are trying so hard to feel something for your baby girl, but you have so much trauma to process right now I'm not surprised you're feeling so numb.

The fact that you're worried about feeling nothing shows that you're already concerned for her, but at the moment you're in a bad place.

Accept all the help you can get, the love will come afterwards and it will build. For the time being she's perfectly safe right where she is, concentrate on you.

Inyournewdress · 09/10/2023 15:21

I agree with @igor.

Sometimes we are so worried about ‘feeling’ something consciously but actually love and bonding can be very real and present even when we don’t consciously feel it. I’m sure it’s there, you are just at a point where you’ve been through a lot and it’s not coming to the surface in the way you recognise as typical. But it’s there, and you’re doing everything you can for your little girl, and in time things will be clearer.

If there is one thing I know about mental health issues, medication changes and hormones around pregnancy and post natal times, it’s that things aren’t always what they seem and your anxious thoughts can lie to you. Things can seem scarier and more drastic than they are. The distress is real but it will pass by and you’ll look back on the worries with a very different perspective.

Big squashy unmumsnetty hug coming at you OP, in 1..2…3…🫂

Floralnomad · 09/10/2023 15:34

I would try to stop worrying about whether you are bonded with the baby , hopefully that will happen when she arrives and if it doesn’t then I’m sure that there will be help for you . Concentrate on your existing children at the moment 💐

Cattenberg · 12/10/2023 23:59

I hope you’re doing OK and being kind to yourself,@Soconfusedandsadx

Inyournewdress · 16/10/2023 09:32

Thinking of you and hope you’re feeling a bit better but if not don’t worry, just hold on and take it day by day/hour by hour, you’ll get there xx

ouiouiouioui · 16/10/2023 20:33

eastiseastwestiswest · 18/09/2023 11:22

What an awful situation and what a shitty person he is.

It's really hard to imagine having another baby right now because you are hurting so much but it's possible that you feel you want to end the pregnancy because of the emotion of the relationship ending and not because you don't want this baby.

Do you have other support around you? Parents? Friends? Could they help
You with the pregnancy and with your baby? Are your children supportive of a new sibling?

I am completely pro choice but aborting a baby at 22 weeks I find so hard to imagine-
I really think it would be an incredibly traumatic experience that you may find sits with you for the rest of your life. I think you would need to give birth to the baby at this stage in your pregnancy.

Yes at 22 weeks when everyone knows you are pregnant and the way they do the abortion.... plus knowing you don't have time to make a good decision before you have the 23 week cut of..... oP I think you should keep.

Don't punish your baby because of the fathers choice,

ThomasinaLivesHere · 16/10/2023 20:39

@ouiouiouioui Read all OPs posts. Her original one was written mid-September so there’s no point in sharing your opinion on original post as the decision has already been made.

ouiouiouioui · 16/10/2023 20:46

Oh no I'm an idiot. How do I delete.

Sparklecats · 18/10/2023 19:15

ouiouiouioui · 16/10/2023 20:46

Oh no I'm an idiot. How do I delete.

@ouiouiouioui Report your post and ask MN to delete

Soconfusedandsadx · 26/10/2023 18:19

LucieLemon · 07/10/2023 22:39

Sorry to hear you feel so rubbish, you don't deserve any of this.

I've dropped you a message regarding your leave, feel free to disregard though if it wouldn't work out for you xx

Thank you, I will read this ASAP 😘

OP posts:
Soconfusedandsadx · 26/10/2023 18:28

Thank you everyone for your responses. Just wanted to keep the thread updated although not much has changed...
I am now 27 weeks pregnant and really struggling with my mental health, I'm rock bottom.
I have a lot of support in place including the crisis team as I got to the stage where I was suicidal. I've been low before and had suicidal ideation but never this bad. I've never felt so trapped. 😔
I have raised the possibility of adoption of my baby daughter as I genuinely don't think I am going to be in a place where i can parent her. I'm really struggling with my eldest daughter who is 13 also. Her moods are unbelievable 😢
I can't do anything right with her and it's getting me down. I feel useless.
Still working with the baby's father. They offered me a transfer to another office but I am too scared and can't cope with anymore change. I am planning on going on maternity leave in a month so I just have to get through that although right now it all seems impossible. I just can't see a happy ending here. 😔
I also have social services involved as the perinatal psychiatrist did a referral due to my extremely low mood. They are concerned for my unborn child.
It's all rubbish. 😢
I've got midwife tomorrow. Going to talk it all through with her.
Really struggling. I keep getting told this is temporary and that I will get through this but I can't see a way out I am always crying and feeling guilt and shame. I hate the darker evenings too. 😔 xxx

OP posts:
Mkgmum · 26/10/2023 18:48

I'm so sorry for what your going through, it truly sounds like a horrible situation to be in and still having to work with the father can't be helping at all. When you have other children too it's a lot to be dealing with. I just wanted to say your not alone, I'm under the perinatal team as my mental health has taken a pretty bad turn, I now believe I suffered from antenatal and postnatal depression in my previous pregnancies but this time around it's just been a lot worse during pregnancy. I've read that antenatal depression doesn't always lead to post natal depression so I'm hoping by the time I deliver my medication has had chance to kick in and get me through
Have they offered you any medication? I have restarted mine today even though they weren't keen for me to do so in the third trimester. But I believe when your this low you need something to carry you through and the consultant agreed.
Whatever you decide to do regarding your daughter, at least you can say you did the best you could under the circumstances. You have tried and the father can't say the same, and even if it's no comfort now in time it may be. You don't have anything to feel ashamed about some of us aren't dealt the best cards in life, it's easy for others to say it'll pass but when your in the middle of such a difficult time it's really hard to see that. I don't have any words to make it seem better but your doing the best you can and try not to be too hard on yourself

Soconfusedandsadx · 26/10/2023 18:57

@Mkgmum thank you for your lovely reply. I'm so sorry you are also feeling awful. How many weeks are you? ❤️
I am on medication yes. I had my assessment with the perinatal psychiatrist and he has put me back on the medication i was on before I got pregnant, venlafaxine. It isn't the best pregnancy one but he said because it worked for me previously he wanted me to try again. I am managing to tolerate it at a lower dose now the pregnancy sickness has subsided. Before I got pregnant I was taking 225mg per day and I have just upped to 75mg per day. I was sick for the first couple of days but I do seem to be tolerating it. I just need to get it into my system.
I had horrific PND with my son, he is now 10. I am fully expecting to get PND again. I am so worried about giving up work as I do really like my job and I like the people and the banter.
Still miss the married man like crazy. I do see him at work but we don't hang out anymore. Although had a wakeup call again today as there was bad traffic his way going home and he couldn't wait to get home and leave early and now I just think, desperate to get home to his wife and family. Put me in a horrific mood.
You're right I am definitely going to try to do the right thing for my baby daughter. Sadly I don't think it is me. 😔
She kicks all the time now. I can feel it all the time.
There is no bond there. I feel nothing for her. Xx
Thank you again for your reply ❤️

OP posts:
Takeabreather23 · 26/10/2023 19:23

OP he’s not rushing joke to his wife/family .

He rushing joke to the suspicious wife who will
never believe a word he says again
She will doubt everything he says , and if he is late In traffic she isn’t going to believe him and he knows it.
If I was the wife I wouldn’t want to be with that man. Him who cheers and lies and gets another meal pregnant then walks .

Doe she’s know yet ?
sorry if I’ve missed that ?
Maybe stay working longer just now to save giving you time to dwell.

Your eldest will be unsettled and picking up on your moods. Possibly she is worried about you too.

Mkgmum · 26/10/2023 19:25

32 weeks currently, I definitely noticed a decline in my mood and thoughts around 28 weeks. I've been on that medication myself a couple of years ago and find it helped, I hope the increase in dose starts to kick in for you soon. That's really tough, can you afford to go off for a week or two before your leave starts? I know it's hard to hear but a man like that only cares about himself, you don't need someone like that in your life or your kids. He should be ashamed of how he's treated you, I personally would want him to do the decent thing and leave. You shouldn't have to especially if your happy where you are, your not the one whose done something wrong.

I hope that changes for you when she's born if that's what you want, but if it doesn't I believe adoption can be a positive thing too and you should be offered a lot of support before you make the final decision x

oscarmike · 26/10/2023 20:10

@Soconfusedandsadx what will your network be like when you go on mat leave? Will you have good friends around you to support and provide company? Please don't be too hard on yourself. You are amazing x

By the time your little girl is born the evenings will be (just) starting to get lighter again. Just try to get through the next few months xx

Cattenberg · 26/10/2023 20:15

I’m sorry that you’re feeling like this. Whilst I’ve never been in your situation, I do know what it’s like to feel very depressed, hopeless and guilty and to not be able to see a way out.

But this too shall pass, and I promise you that you won’t always feel this awful.

Also, it’s common for 13-year-olds to become moody and difficult and for their parents to feel they can’t do anything right by them. You’re not hopeless! You’ve been through a lot in the past and you’re going through a particularly tough time now. Please be kind to yourself x

Sparklecats · 26/10/2023 21:58

@Soconfusedandsadx

You need to write down the positives

  • you have managed to make a very big decision under difficult circumstances
  • you have sought and got help for yourself which requires strength
  • you are managing to parent 3 children
  • you are still managing to go to work

In short you are an incredibly strong and resilient woman to have coped thus far.

It is still very early days in the grief of the loss of the relationship and dealing with betrayal. That is before you get to dealing with a difficult pregnancy, morning sickness, history of mental health issues.

It is a lot for anyone to cope with. Keep taking the medication, keep going to therapy, keep reaching out for all the help you can muster. Ask for family support and for more help from the ex husband with the existing kids.

Take it one day at a time, develop a list of things to do/routine and just focus on that.

As to how your mental health will be, how you will bond with your daughter, any other big decisions. It is too early for that. Too big. And you shouldn’t be putting yourself under further stress and pressure contemplating any of it, because you need your energy to deal with what is happening today.

I know it’s shit. But you have shown great strength of character thus far. Have faith in that and be kind to yourself.

If it were me I would get GP to sign me out on the sick until the start of maternity (if possible), go on maternity, and ask for them to switch you offices whenever you go back. Or consider other work whenever you are ready.

Please hold tight to all the hands held out to you, both in real life and on this thread. Everything is going to be ok. 💐

Lookingforthecoffeerevels · 26/10/2023 23:30

I think you're being too hard on yourself. Your feelings are perfectly valid and understandable. Try and take each day as it comes and please try to look after yourself as well as your children. Sending hugs 💕

2023shady · 27/10/2023 00:45

You're doing so well
If you can't think ahead to get through each day then do it hour by hour

Inyournewdress · 28/10/2023 00:27

Really good advice from @Sparklecats
Keep going, it’s true that this is temporary and when hormones and meds and all the rest stabilise you will feel differently. And you are doing amazingly well xx

Callmesleepy · 30/10/2023 22:19

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so down. Do you have anyone who would be able to support you emotionally?

I'd push on work about doing an occupational health referral as you should get some support, part of which may be transferring him to the other office.

Rockschooldropout · 08/11/2023 20:10

How are things ? @Soconfusedandsadx