23 weeks pregnant found out father is married

[Soconfusedandsadx]

NC for this but I've been on mumsnet a while.
I'm completely heartbroken.
I had no idea.
I am 22 weeks pregnant and received a message last week from my partner's wife!! Someone messaged her and told her her husband is having an affair and all about me.

He admitted it all and has chosen her. We weren't living together but we do work together and I was really happy being part of a couple. We spend lots of time together. I am in love with him and he says he is with me.
Turns out he is still married. He told me he was separated. 😢
I don't think I can continue my pregnancy alone. And the baby will be a reminder of what I have done and what he is.
I can have an abortion this week but I am on the cusp. I have been to Marie Stopes and had my initial consultation. I know the baby's sex and I have chosen a name. I can feel the baby moving.

I don't think there is an easy answer to this but I don't think I can have this child.
I am so angry and so sad and just feeling so stupid. I don't know what to do.
Please no horrible comments. I'm broken.
How can I have this child in this situation? I am already a single mum to three children from my now ended marriage.
I can't stop crying. I can't see a way out. I don't want to abort but mentally I am not strong enough to carry on with this pregnancy now. I don't think mentally i am strong enough to abort.

I was meant to have my abortion prep today and my surgery tomorrow but I've caught covid from my kids and they cancelled my appointment so now it's Thursday for my prep and Friday for surgery.
I'm under the care of my GP and I am also scheduled to see the perinatal mental health team next week as I have long standing mental health problems.
I've got to put my three children and myself ahead of this baby but I feel broken.
If you've got this far thank you for reading. I'm not sure if I have even posted this in the right section. Please feel free to report and ask to move if so. Thank you.

Thank you everyone.
I have been having huge wobbles. I keep wishing I had had an abortion and now I'm past the limit and I can't. I feel trapped 😞
I am getting so much professional support. Got a friend coming up tonight.x

I thought my baby looked like she has a big nose in the scan x

@Soconfusedandsadx it’s just as likely that had you gone through with the abortion you would now be regretting that . Take all the help you can access 💐

I think you are 100 percent right xx

@Soconfusedandsadx, I agree it’s likely you’d have regretted an abortion. I hope your family will help you with the baby - it sounds as though they will.

Also, if I know you can never rely on your older kids to help with childcare, but they might turn out to enjoy it. I was nearly eight when my sister was born and I would help out sometimes by rocking the pram, fetching nappy pins (it was a while ago), and most of all, I would keep her occupied by playing with her. I loved having a baby sister and my school friends thought she was adorable, and were envious of me!

I have a neighbour with four children. One is ten and the other three are under five (the youngest two are twins). My neighbour told me that her eldest daughter is a massive help to her. And the daughter once told me, “I wouldn’t change it for the world”, which I thought was very sweet. The mum works extremely hard, but I expect her life will be a lot easier in a few years’ time when all her kids are in school.

I think that if you hang in there, you’ll find your own way and things will work themselves out. x

Good to hear from you, OP.
Lean into the professional support, one day at a time.
Huge wobbles are normal and
natural but better than the post abortion abyss.

Thank you everyone.
Right now my 13 year old isn't that impressed with me being pregnant. She also does not like the father of the baby - understandably! She wishes the baby was a boy also, she thinks her 8 year old sister is a brat. I'm inundated with girls, my son is 10 and my only son. He wanted a brother also 😃
Keep having episodes where I break down and cry. I am thinking I will go on maternity leave sooner rather than later. I can finish up at 29 weeks earliest.

I can feel the baby moving and I hate it, I have no bond with her. I just feel empty.
Feel like a dreadful person. I don't know how I am going to get through this.
I have a medication review on the 10th and they should be able to give me something to help my mood.
Thank you as always for the kind and thoughtful replies, means so much ❤️ xx

@Cattenberg my 8 year old is looking forward to helping! She tells me she will give her little sister a bottle and push her buggy.

My eldest makes pointed remarks about the baby being a half sister and about the baby's dad. I got a snap shot of the baby in 3d when I was 19 weeks and she thinks the baby looks like her dad. But we do see what we want in these scans as we were saying before.

I don't even like mentioning the baby to anyone. I really am incredibly depressed. I'm just praying that I bond with my daughter and love her. I am struggling to even eat and I have lost more weight. People at my work do not know I'm pregnant except management. I do have a small bump but just look like I'm a bit bloated.

I'm so jealous of anyone who is enjoying their pregnancy and I feel guilt and anguish when it comes to my unborn baby. She deserves better than me. I keep toying with the adoption idea and I did mention it to my midwife and she said she knows the correct channels if that was something I would pursue but I don't think I would be able to plus my own mother would probably take the baby on herself if I got to the point where I would seriously consider adoption. I think this baby would do better without me in her life. Xx

@Soconfusedandsadx you are NOT a terrible person! You're under a huge amount of stress at the moment, it's natural you haven't bonded with your baby yet as you're still coming to terms with the blow you've been dealt. Hopefully once you're on maternity leave and you'll have one less stress going on you'll get the time you need to process the grief you're feeling over the life you believed you had but lost and start looking forward to the one that's to come. Thank you for your updates x

This is a lovely message, thank you. You're right I'm under a tremendous amount of stress atm, I've been allocated a midwife counsellor and she told me I need to be kind to myself but it's hard! I've got an appointment at the hospital in ten mins with the doctor who will deliver my daughter and she always gives me a quick scan. I Don't enjoy these now but I always hope they will help me bond xx

You're doing a great job taking one day at a time and accepting the medical support offered.

I think that now you've made a decision about continuing with the pregnancy, you could take some time to make sure your rights are protected elsewhere, if you have the mental energy to deal with it. Sorting things out at work so that the managers know the score and don't get fooled by any future stories from your ex. Looking into what is the best way to pursue him for child maintenance (through CMS is probably easiest, as long as he is still employed at your company). Checking out what else you could be entitled to - even something like free fruit & veg could be helpful.

Good luck, I really hope things settle down for you and you continue to get RL help.

@Soconfusedandsadx You're really remarkable and much stronger than you think! Your life as you knew it upended so significantly and dramatically overnight. I'm sure you are probably grieving the relationship you had and I would presume the future that you thought you would have with this man too? Many women struggle to bond with a baby during pregnancy (even with a much wanted baby) and I think you are being way too hard on yourself. You are a wonderful mother to this new little being already as you have made such a huge decision to keep her, regardless of the impact this will have on your life. You need to just take time to look after yourself and take things one day at a time, rather than focussing on the "bigger" things. You've proved you're a great mum and the love will definitely kick in for this baby in time, if you allow yourself to. 🌻

You've spent the last few weeks desperately trying to disconnect from your baby in the run up to an abortion. That, coupled with feeling unwell with your mental health, it's understandable and natural to have really mixed emotions about the baby. Don't push or beat yourself up over those feelings, let's see how things evolve when the baby is physically here.

Older children can often have mixed feelings about a new baby irrespective of whether they share a father or not. May be resentment towards the baby, in their eyes they see Mum unwell, with lots of upheaval and change, baby being the culprit. Lots of talking and reassurance will help, the family is changing and growing but you're still a unit.

It looks like you're accessing support, keep talking through things and taking each day at a time xx

Hope you’re doing OK today, OP, and you’re treating yourself kindly.
Thinking of you still 💐

I feel horrible tbh. I've never been as depressed as I am right now.
Very very teary and feel like I'm letting my children down.
I want to go on maternity leave as soon as I can and I am starting to show now - I'm 25 weeks. I know I will get less time with the baby after but the way I am thinking I can enjoy the time with my three kids I already have now and try and tag some annual leave onto the end of my maternity leave. I've got a childminder arranged for July for my baby but I can only take six months off due to money and i absolutely have to work. Hats off to any stay at home mums, its the hardest job 😔. I'm really in such a mad panic about it all.
Thank you for posting on my thread still 💖
January seems so far away.
Due to the level of my depression they have brought my planned section forward to January 5th, which is 15 days before my due date. I don't think the consultant wants to do it before then, unless something like pre eclampsia rears its head. I have not had pre eclampsia before and went over my due date with my two oldest and my youngest was a planned section at 39 weeks and 3 days.
I am getting so much care but I still feel really alone and isolated. I cry all the time. I feel like an enormous burden and I have just been indoors all day and not eaten anything. My house needs tidying and the grass needs cutting. I think this is the most depressed I've ever been maybe only topped by when my marriage ended 4 years ago.
I miss my ex husband so much it hurts. I feel like I've messed everything up 😢
You are all so kind to keep checking on me xx

I have read all the replies on this thread and you're all wonderful.
One lovely lady has even been PMing me to catch up.
Thank you truly 💗 xxxx

I hope at the start of January I will be able to post an update that my little girl is here safe and that I love her but I feel so disconnected from her.
Each day is a slog.
I've been told to try and get through each day one day at a time and not look too far ahead. ❤️

Try and take each day at a time x things will get better and you will also not feel like this forever xi hope that posting on her helps you to air your thoughts and feelings. There are so many of us rooting for you ❤️

Sending you love and hugs @Soconfusedandsadx , sorry not to do a longer message but just in the last 24 hours come down with what I assume is covid and feeling utterly grim.

Still - virtual hugs with no risk of virus transmission! 💞

Things will improve for you and the housework can wait. Take time out for yourself.

It will get better! This time of year is also extremely hard (changing seasons, shortening days, all the summer activities you'd usually do have ended). I have none of the challenges you are facing and am also feeling low due to the time of year. Be kind to yourself x

Sending you virtual hugs x

Sending you so much love @Soconfusedandsadx.

You have the strength to cope with this, you already have three beautiful children and have overcome so much to get through the marriage breakup.

While things are incredibly overwhelming right now, gradually they will get better and at some point you are going to be looking back on this in a better and happier position.

Have faith in yourself and take all the comfort and support that you can get from others. Stay strong and one day at a time.

As others have said, the housework can wait, if you feel it would help (and can afford it) get a cleaner in so you’ve less to do. Most of all concentrate on feeding yourself and the kids and getting through.

You are an amazing woman, this reptile putting you through this is a reflection of himself and not you, the positive is you will have your beautiful new daughter and a fresh start without anyone destructive and deceitful in it.

Huge hugs, be kind to yourself all you can. 💐

Sending hugs and love and hoping that a little more time will ease the shock of it all. Housework and grass cutting are not important you are

Sorry to hear you feel so rubbish, you don't deserve any of this.

I've dropped you a message regarding your leave, feel free to disregard though if it wouldn't work out for you xx