23 weeks pregnant found out father is married

[Soconfusedandsadx]

NC for this but I've been on mumsnet a while.
I'm completely heartbroken.
I had no idea.
I am 22 weeks pregnant and received a message last week from my partner's wife!! Someone messaged her and told her her husband is having an affair and all about me.

He admitted it all and has chosen her. We weren't living together but we do work together and I was really happy being part of a couple. We spend lots of time together. I am in love with him and he says he is with me.
Turns out he is still married. He told me he was separated. 😢
I don't think I can continue my pregnancy alone. And the baby will be a reminder of what I have done and what he is.
I can have an abortion this week but I am on the cusp. I have been to Marie Stopes and had my initial consultation. I know the baby's sex and I have chosen a name. I can feel the baby moving.

I don't think there is an easy answer to this but I don't think I can have this child.
I am so angry and so sad and just feeling so stupid. I don't know what to do.
Please no horrible comments. I'm broken.
How can I have this child in this situation? I am already a single mum to three children from my now ended marriage.
I can't stop crying. I can't see a way out. I don't want to abort but mentally I am not strong enough to carry on with this pregnancy now. I don't think mentally i am strong enough to abort.

I was meant to have my abortion prep today and my surgery tomorrow but I've caught covid from my kids and they cancelled my appointment so now it's Thursday for my prep and Friday for surgery.
I'm under the care of my GP and I am also scheduled to see the perinatal mental health team next week as I have long standing mental health problems.
I've got to put my three children and myself ahead of this baby but I feel broken.
If you've got this far thank you for reading. I'm not sure if I have even posted this in the right section. Please feel free to report and ask to move if so. Thank you.

Ohh, good luck with everything dear, 🥰you sound like you have a good family ( your XDH also sounds like a good person) so hopefully they will be a good support to you, don’t be afraid to lean on people who care about you in times of need, most people like helping others.
Now that you have made the decision to keep the baby focus on your mental health so you can I’ll hopefully be well enough when the baby arrives,
Dont communicate with the father of the baby for the moment ( deal with issues related to him later/ maintenance etc) and just focus on yourself and your family, II think you need a break from him.

By the way, I wouldn’t bother telling his wife, she will find out anyway.

🥰❤️

By the way, I wouldn’t bother telling his wife, she will find out anyway.

That's a good point, thanks. Still want to be a fly on the wall.

I'm also very relieved that you've not been rushed into a decision while you're in a bad place mentally. It will get better from here. It won't be easy, because having 4 children is never easy even in the most ideal of circumstances, but you will be able to cope and you will be a magnificent mum with a wonderful family. I'm so glad you're on the way to getting proper support. Well done, you're doing great.

When you feel better, you can start making practical plans for child maintenance, maternity leave, and everything else. You might find it helpful to speak to an umbrella organisation like Citizens' Advice, which would be able to pull together your rights in terms of employment, maintenance, government support and everything else, to make sure you get the support you're entitled to - financial and other things.

Also, there are a lot of organisations that will give baby clothes and equipment to families who need help. A lot of the prolife charities do it on a large scale, but you also get local groups set up on a peer-to-peer basis. That might be worth looking in to, down the line. For now, rest up and get well.

I'm so relieved that you've been able to come to a decision with the support of your family and ex.

It'll undoubtedly be hard work but you've got this! You'll get your strength from your little girl.

Congratulations on your daughter, so glad you are getting support. All the best to you and your precious baby

@Soconfusedandsadx I’m glad that you finally made a decision and also told people that you need help. Take time to get yourself back on an even keel, you’ve been through a huge amount the last few weeks.

Looking forward to hearing when she’s arrived safely.

Best of wishes OP xx

I’m so glad you have found some support.
I wish nothing but the best for you and your family. Congratulations on your beautiful daughter, when she comes!

Such great news OP. Glad you have found the support you need. Congratulations on your baby girl ❤️

Oh lovey, you've so much to look forward to now. Glad your getting support. I wish you best of luck going forward.

well done you ! You have your family support , you are getting help and you will be ok .
You may not realise this yet but you are already a wonderful mother to your girl .
you will be ok hun

Wishing you and your baby girl the very best, OP. You will be a wonderful mother to her, and it sounds like you have a supportive family. It won't always be easy, but things will absolutely get better ❤

Please don't worry...once baby is here although it's hard at first...Ease does come along. You won't worry about her father anymore or feel like you need him. Im so proud of you and I wish there had been someone there to stop me from my termination.

Wishing you the best with getting the right support ❤️

Congratulations on your little girl 😊

And like others have said just concentrate on you and your family ❤️

Wishing you all the love and luck in the world. I hope everything goes well for you xx

All the best OP. Sending best wishes and congratulations ❤

Thank you everyone. ❤️
I am having good care taken of me and got a lot of support from mental health teams. I am a huge red flag for them I think as I'm so low.
I've been booked in for a planned section on 12th January at 38+6 so I know what date she will be here.
My consultant gave me a quick scan yesterday and the baby looked well. The consultant confirmed it is definitely a baby girl too.
I won't lie I am so fucking scared.
X
Thank you all for your kind words of support, means more than you know xx 😘

We're all here for you, just ask

Thank you 💛
My consultant has prescribed me low dose mood stabilisers, some sleeping tablets and I am still taking my beta blockers.
I am 24 weeks tomorrow.
Marie Stopes dated the pregnancy slightly ahead of what the NHS did but I am going by my NHS dates.
At the scan yesterday I saw the baby's face - she had her arms and her cord in front of her face but could see the lower part of her face. Her mouth looks like her father's, he has quite full lips and from the look of the scan, her mouth is identical.
Funny the things we notice. I mean it was obviously only 2d but her nose and mouth were clear but I think we see what we want (or don't want to see!).
I just hope i am able to love her when she arrives as still feel numb. Xx

You will love her when she arrives, I have absolutely no doubt of that at all xx

You will love her so much when she's here xx keep accepting any help on offer to you. You've got this 💕

@Soconfusedandsadx I hope you're feeling much more positive. You're right sometimes we see what we want to see. I was worried from the scans my baby was a boy and had his fathers skull shape. Turned out it was a girl with my shape and features!

What I've learnt. Having a child with a father involved or no father involved is hard regardless. Once baby arrives even if you don't feel joy straight away (obviously because you've just given birth and are exhausted and what not). The moment you hold her and realise this little being is dependent on you and you are responsible will shoo away any negative thoughts. The moment she smiles for the first time (even those gassy smiles 😂) will melt your heart.

I had a tough time with each birth especially my third. But my baby girls smile Everytime I remember it helped me push those clouds away. There have been tough times but it's gotten easier.

As PP have said, we are sending you very best wishes and peace.

I’m glad you’re getting better support and medication now. Medication may be contributing to feelings of numbness, try not to worry about that.

Don’t babies usually look like their fathers when they are born - evolutionary thing to reassure of paternity - but then that can change very quickly?

I’m sure you’ll love your baby once she’s here, though that feeling may not come instantly, especially as you’ve had so much to deal with.

On one of my antenatal scans, my daughter appeared to have a big, pointy, beaky nose. I was a bit concerned, but when she was born, she had a typical wide, flat baby nose. So you can’t always tell from the scans what they’ll look like as a newborn.